*Nikki*

Is cheating ever an option if you really love your partner??

I am interested to know if any of you have cheated on your partner despite being completely in love with them??

If so, what were your motives? Was it purely sex?

I know for myself it has never crossed my mind with my current partner. However in the past I have been in love and considered doing it b/c I felt neglected on many levels in the relationship. Of course that contributed to why I am no longer in that relationship.
Although I never did cheat physically, I was always cheating in my head.


I was basically just wondering if Love overcomes all desire to cheat?

slimcr

there is no such joy greater than love.

having said that, if u succumb to the urge, your love aint as great as you thought it was.

an urge is one thing, acting on it though, sucks.

In the end, you'll just feel sorry you did.

ratbastid

I'm not crazy about how you've phrased the question, but I think I agree with where you're headed.

Calling cheating an "option" makes it sound like the result of a rational process. Is it a valid "option" to cheat on someone you honestly love, having given it due thought and consideration? Of course not.

On the other hand, is the urge or the desire or the thought--in the absence of a rational process--perfectly natural? Sure. The one way you can know we're more evolved than animals is that we don't necessarily have to take action on every instinctive twitch of thought that goes through our minds.

Have I thought about cheating on lurkette? You betcha. Have I had the urge to or the desire to? Yup! Will I ever cheat on her? Nope, never, not in a million years. At least, not without her permission.

Pragma

With her permission, it's not cheating

And then at that point, if she gives you free license on other females, you might as well drag her along, to make sure the other woman treats you right.

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Ustwo

Sure a new sex partner is more exciting then the old one, thats normal, its genetic, and its going to get you in trouble.

If you really MUST do it, try swinging, best of both worlds.

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absorbentishe

Here's my persective. In my marriage of 8 years, there have been many times that we haven't gotten along, she's refused sex for various reason, and the like. Cheating has crossed my mind, but I couldn't do it. The guilt I would feel would kill me, since I married my wife for love, and the love is still there. There is the "it's just sex" thing, that I contemplated, but the love thing over ruled all. During those times, I spent plenty of time at strip clubs and paid for lots of porn on the net, but cheated, nope.

Johnny Rotten

I guess my typical answer would be, "If you're thinking of cheating, you're not in love." But thinking of cheating is also usually a symptom of a problem with the relationship, or, well, a problem you might be having, respectfully. Some people, usually as a result of a rough upbringing, don't have the skills to perpetuate or sometimes even recognize a healthy relationship. Of course I say this without judgement, since I don't know much of anything about you. But I can tell you from personal experience that there are some troubled people out there who aren't able or willing to resist certain impulses.

onodrim

I have never cheated on Secret, and I don't plan too. While I do love him very much, of course I've found other people attractive and entertained thoughts in my head of being with them, but imagining being with someone else and taking action are of course very different.
The only time that I was very seriously tempted to cheat was in a sort of similar situation. A long distance relationship is hard enough as it is, and at that time I was quite busy and hardly talking to Secret at all. I didn't feel 'neglected' in that he didn't care about me, but because we were communicating a great deal less than we had been, the connection was not as strong, and it was easier to stray. So, yes, I think there is definently a connection between being 'neglected' and cheating. I still loved Secret very much, but because I didn't feel the same connection towards him as before, the temptation to cheat was far stronger.

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"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
-Carl Sagan

Prince

I don't like the way love is presented as some sort of magical thing that conquers all.

There are as many reasons to why people cheat as there are people who do it. Sometimes the reasoning behind it makes sense, other times it doesn't seem to make sense at all.

A lot of people seem to think that sex is secondary to love. It is and it isn't. I love my wife dearly, but if she decided she didn't want to have sex anymore, there'd have to be other solutions, or the relationship would not have a prayer. That's not putting sex before anything, it's just keeping all parts of the equation in mind.

Some people cheat even though they have a loving spouse at home, and a healthy sex life. I think that it has more to do with the person themselves than the relationship. I hear people say that if one cheats then there was something wrong with the relationship at home. I don't believe that this has to always be the case.

I do not believe that there is one answer that would explain every scenario. Sometimes people steal something because the opportunity is there. Sometimes, this also applies to cheating.

You can say as many times you like that you cannot imagine ever cheating on someone you love. But ten years or twenty down the road, there is no telling where you are. All you can do is try and live up to the standards you have set for yourself based on what you believe.

Life happens.

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juanvaldes

no.

tisonlyi

yes.

Stupid, weak, unhappy, drunk and hadn't 'got some' for 3 months or so.

:-/

No excuses, my bad, but from my side, it didn't affect anything about how i felt towards my S.O. though i'm sure she would have been heartbroken.

Sex != Love != Sex

Shades of grey, i suppose.

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"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

lurkette

I'm with ratbastid. If I ever had the urge to cheat on him, I'd discuss it with him first and I'd either get permission or we'd work out whatever was the problem.

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tisonlyi

High minded principles are a great thing.

Shame they dont work in practise.

"Dear, I know its not your fault that your genitals have been out of commission for nigh on 4 months... and I fully understand that the frustration borne of the ailment which you are suffering as an ongoing concern has driven you from all forms of sexual activity. BUT. Would it be alright if, given your distressed state as it already is, I go out and slip a length to some random randy harlot? Only, I think your mother might begin to think somehting is amiss at the dinner table if i keep turning up with raging erections..."

If he was alive, you could ask george bernard shaw about that.

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"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

Holo

Sex is a VERY important part to a relationship to me. If the sex suffers, a part of my commitment dies with it. I've come really close to cheating once, but decided against it. But every time a gf decides she doesn't want it for a month at a time (it's happened with a couple) I feel a lot less loyal to them.

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

vveronica

from the womans side I guess I'm unusual. YES I havebeen completely in love and cheated. But I've never been the faithful type. Am i proud of it,,, no not really... would i do it again,,, Most likely..

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tisonlyi

I don't think you're so unusual in that you've cheated like that, I think you're unusual in admitting it.

There's a big stigma for cheating, women x 10 (100? a survey needs to be done here i feel).

My $0.02

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"I do not agree that the dog in a manger has the final right to the manger even though he may have lain there for a very long time. I do not admit that right. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." - Winston Churchill, 1937 --{ORLY?}--

numist

Holo has a good point.

I think of sex as the ultimate expression and sealing of love with someone. I know that not everyone holds that ideal (in fact, most probably dont), but I think that it is best when there is a deep connection and feeling of intimacy involved.

Even though Ive been away for a month now, and even though I really do miss the sex, there is no way I would ever cheat on my girlfriend.

Its really funny though, my g/f talked to one of my friends, and my friend told her that Id never cheat on her, even if were my last day on earth. Made me feel good to know that I had a good reputation like that.

I love my g/f, and sex is a very important part of that love for me. Whereas everyones opinion on the importance and meaning of sex may differ, I would NEVER cheat on my g/f.

saleenobsessed

In past relationships i probably could of but with my boyfriend now its never crossed my mind. I'm so deaply in love with him i could never bring myself to do it. I think you just know if you can cheat they arnt the one, myself i found the one

Yalaynia

My current relationship I have never once thought about cheating. I love and respect him to much to even consider it. With us being so far apart he has said that if I ever found someone else to be with that was closer and wanted to call it off with him that I would have the decency to tell him before hand. Not that I will ever think of doing such a thing.
My past relationship was filled with so many ups and downs, I was constantly getting accused of this that and the other. One of the others was sleeping with another guy. I had been with my now ex for like 9 years when he started to accuse me. Every time we got into a fight about anything he would throw up that I slept with someone. Finally after a while of being accused the oppertunity came about and I pretty much said what the hell and went and did it. I only ever slept with the guy once and never again. I am far from proud of what I did and the reasons for doing so were rather stupid, but that was years ago and I cant change it.

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I couldnt think of anything to put here , but I guess anything would do

*Nikki*

Maybe love does hold some magical bind over us. Maybe more then we realize.

I like to think that love can be so true and pure that nothing could break its bonds.

Then again I am a hopeless romantic. I think that this thread though proves that there are some of us out there that still believe in love and that alone gives me hope.

i8one2

NO...
myself and subby have a complete and understood commitment called her COLLAR. With it comes absolutes.

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lonster

I never thought i would be one to cheat but after going out with my current g/f for about month i saw my ex out in town (we were still friends at the time, hard to do i know) the drunkenness took over and to cut a long story short i went home with her. Not that the drink is an excse. Though the feeling of guilot is not something that i would wish upon anyone, therefore i had to confess and the feeling that i was going to lose my girlfriend made me realise that it was wrong to do such a thing. Sure you may see someone and think "that would be nice to go home with" or something similar and if the chance arrises it can be tempting, but for the emotional rollercoaster i went through weeks after it is not worth it.
So i suggest if you are in need of some "new" sex, talk to your partner and try spicing it up a different way.

cj2112

Maybe I just have a different view of love than a lot of people, but to me cheating and love are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. Love to me is as much a verb as it is an emotion. It requires action, it is how I treat somebody. I can tell you I love you, then beat the crap out of you, that is not love. I can claim I love you, even have some feelings for you, and cheat on you, that is not love. So to answer your question, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

InTeGrA77

Yep, that's me in a nutshell, and it was the end of a pretty good relationship that had lasted for a long time for me. I always go back to this guy for some reason. We don't really have anything but a physical attraction for eachother, so we never get together. And when we aren't together/messing around, I want to be, which is usually when I'm in the middle of a relationship.

I guess that I'm not really too much of a long-term relationship person at the moment. But it always seems that all of the guys that decide to date me fall HEAD OVER HEELS for me, and end up getting hurt in the end...

Although I deeply regret the last time that I cheated, I'll probably do it again sometime...but I doubt with the same guy.

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EruptiveDreamz

I can't say I am expert in this field. I really to be honest don't know if I have ever really been in love. I know what I think love should be for myself. I know what I want love to feel like within for myself. I know how I want to be treated by someone who loves me and thats with the same respect and nourishment that can only make love grow stronger everyday. You water a lawn and watch it grow. You mow it .. you care for it and the day if ever you decide you want a diffrent yard it's because that yard no longer has the ability to fullfill your needs. It could maybe.. with alot of work. If you have the energy and the time to form it back into your wants.

I have been what I wanted to believe was love. But for me I question now in my life, how could it have been love when it came down to the same option as I read above. Something for me was missing in that relationship for me to have ever thought about wanting to cheat and for all that matters for someone to have cheated on me. I have walked away as a friend and I have walked away as an enemy. I am involved in a relationship right now. No it's not easy, it takes work on both sides. I'm still not sure what love is all about.. but I am learning and hope neither of us ever feel like walking away from this one till the day we have to walk through heavens door and meet our maker.

Should either of our heads turn towards thoughts of another with thoughts of actually wanting to follow through with the action of those thoughts? Naww! Then somethings wrong with the relationship. Hopefully we both have what it takes out of some self dignity and respect for the other person involved to at least be honest and open enough to admit to it before hand and not be in such denial to think it's okay and everything is just hunky dory. Life as usual... yeah right!

It doesn't go without someone loosing something that is so priceless within. And that would be? "Trust" .. the trust you put in another person with what? The most valuable thing you can give a person and thats the love that comes from deepest part of ones heart. And that love is? Being able to give the person you are within so freely..trustingly and not to mention innocently. To allow someome access to see you for who you are right down to the bare necessity of your soul being of life and the way you live it, thinking you would never be hurt and your world never shatter is one of the hardest things I have in my life yet to find again.


Best senerio would be that we could hopefully walk away friends and I wouldn't piss in his whiskey. ( *Scratches Head*.. I must have alot pissing thoughts on my mind here in the last two days) Anyway to make my long story shorter. :-)

To share together is one thing but to cheat? All I can say on that is just becareful with not only your heart but the heart of the person you may be with. But thats just my opion. Some people can do it and feel just fine. Guess thats what makes this world and life what it is. Learning experinces and finding out what a person as one individual on the face of this planet we live on want in life and from life for ones self.

Continue... life as usual. Thanks for the good conversational as well as thought provoking thread here.

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sixate

Cheating is never an option for me. The circumstances don't matter.

Once a cheater always a cheater. Before I get involved with someone I try to find out if they've ever cheated. If they have then I'm gone. I won't get involved with someone I know isn't trustworthy.

My friend swears to be in love with his wife, yet he's cheated on her 15 times that I know of..... So yes, people can cheat even though they're in love, but not me.

StephenSa

Wow, cheating. That's a heavy load to bear in my book. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends even when I suspected and found out later they were cheating on me. (Of course this required the big break up). I am engaged now and would never cheat. Never. Ever. Do I see girls I'd like to sleep with? Oh yeah. Am I presented with the opportunity? Unfortunatly yes. From time to time I'm tempted in a fantasy sort of way but I would never do it. I love my dear fiance' like I've never loved another and such a thing would cheapen our relationship. As long as its her and me we're unique. If I fool around I feel our love loses its special meaning. The bond just between us two. Also, a cheater has no honor. No matter the circumstances. My honor is more important than tawdry sex, no matter how tempting. Stay true. It just makes life better.

Fire

I tend to side with the view that once trust is broken it stays that way, and would myself never want to be with someone that had cheated for fear that if they did it once.... as to fucking other people for fun, with permission I have seen many couples do it without problems, as long as their relationship is rock solid....

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EruptiveDreamz

I can understand your feelings on that. But if it all possible sometimes trying to keep an open mind and not just listening to a person should they say "I have cheated", that doesn't seem quite so fair. I think sometimes you have to keep your ear open after those words have rang in your ear and listen to the circumtances.

You never know if you may be passing up someone who has a heart that longs for nothing more than to be with that one person. That one person who makes one feel as tho thier heart is secure and can be committed faithfully.

I guess at the age I am that most people that are single have had some kind of heartbreak in their life. Trying to find a person who hasn't is very few and far in between. It takes alot more work to become involved as a couple with a secure foundation. It's up to the people involved how much time and effort they want to put into to make that relationship a solid one. Once it becomes solid I can't see it being anything more than it would have to be all good.

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Can you imagine Moses asking Congress to pass the ten commandments?

motdakasha

In some relationships it's called "polyamorous" and isn't cheating. Just thought I'd remind everyone that there are more different types of relationships other than monogamous-heterosexual.

If the people involved agreed to a monogamous relationship, then there's no excuse for it. You can want to act out to your heart's little desire, but the moment you cheat (and the definition of that varies) you've broken the contract. At which point, you're at the mercy of the other person and how committed to you he/she feels.

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ariekitten

i think if you love someone enough, you would break up with them before ever cheating. thinking about it, desiring it, those are normal. but i think if you would act upon the desire, then you aren't really in love with them.
i personally don't think its fair to hold your SO to rules and regulations that you don't follow. cheaters just want to have someone who'll always be there for them, no matter what, and in the meantime do whatever else they want to. that has never been something i've liked.
i would never cheat on someone i was in love with because i want them to be happy and i know that if i'm desperate enough to sleep with someone else, then i would be better off without that person anyway....and they would be better off without me.

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deri

I completely agree.

Gwenllian

This thread...seems to assume that everyone is a serial monogamist.

I believe, that you can truly love, more than one person at a time. But I think that gets away from the original idea.

If you are in a monogamous realtionship...where you have both agreed to not have sex, not love for another person...then you should not. I do not think it has anything to do with the amount of love you have for you partnet, but how much respect you have for the "rules" you set up in your relationship.

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The Sober Truth

illesturban

I just don't understand how someone could cheat and still consider themselves "in love." I have never done it.

There's this girl I just met who's boyfriend is back home, who she supposedly (yeah right) claims she will eventually marry, yet she is CHEATING on him with another dude who lives out of town as well. THA HAYELL!? How can she claim she loves and wants to marry him, but is completely ok with having this fling on the side? I don't get it.

Too bad I didn't get her first though, I'd like to be that other guy. hahaha.

LittleOralAnnie

I would never in a million years think of cheating on someone I love. I'm a faithful until the end kind of girl. I treat my honey how I'd want to be treated and if I did have any desires to cheat I'd either tell him or I'd break up first.

SpoilSport

As maudlin as it sounds, I have a tendency to be so enamoured of the one I am involved with I don't see others in that light.

To me it seems that ("open relationships" being the exception) while the urge or desire might be completely normal, living with yourself afterwards would outweigh the satisfaction to be gained with an indulgence.

Prince

Well put, and echoes my feelings on this as well.

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legolas

I am agreeing with what seems to be the consensus. If you are -truly- in love with someone you won't cheat on them. Yes, urges are normal and fine, but acting on them is a different story.

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analog

Nope. Could never happen. Thought enough about it to put a little smile on my face, but nowhere near actually considering it.

BCD

I have cheated a time or two during drunken evenings while involved in insignificant relationships, but am horribly ashamed to admit that on one occasion I cheated on someone I loved while I was totallly IN LOVE with them. I did not have an "excuse" that I wasn't happy with her or that I wasn't getting sufficient sex. Instead, I cheated b/c I thought it would be exciting and justified it by convincing myself that this was purely a "sex-thing," meant nothing to me and, therefore, really should mean nothing to her. Well, it was just a "sex-thing" and meant nothing to me. However, immediately after it was over I felt completely sick to my stomach and ovewrought with guilt. I realized that while it did not change my feelings for my girlfriend, it created a permanent stain in my mind on a previously pure relationship. This was true even though I refused to let the event have an overt impact on how I treated my girlfriend or our relationship. With time the feelings of guilt subsided, but I have never forgotten how the event of cheating can forever change a relationship and have proceeded accordingly.