Being single again: how to deal? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Jesus Pimp · 10-24-2003, 02:27 AM

Me and my gf recently broke up after 2.5 years. At first it seemed like the right thing to do since we couldn't resolve some problems we had. It was a mutual breakup. So now I'm single once again. It's been a while and it feels very odd. I'm not sure how to go about dealing. i wake up at nights wishing she was still with me. We agreed to stay friends and eventually hang out when we're ready. I wish I could call her up and ask her to reconsider. I feel like I can't live without her. I want to work things out. I don't know if she is currently feeling the same way. The not knowing really hurts. Any advice on how to deal or if it's even a good idea to call her up at this point to ask her?

mistered · 10-24-2003, 03:11 AM

I think you need to step back and ask yourself whether you really want HER or whether you are hurting because you really want SOMEONE in your life. It sounds more like the latter. If you get back together with her, you're solving the problem of having someone and bringing back whatever other major issues were in the fold.

You'll find someone else. Why not try dating instead? It will take you some time to get to the comfort level you had with the ex, but at least you're not bringing all of the unresolvable problems back into the picture. Good luck, and hang in there.

Jesus Pimp · 10-24-2003, 03:27 AM

Thanks! I think it's the latter too. I'm not sure how to talk to other girls. Maybe I'll wait a while. I dunno.

lurkette · 10-24-2003, 04:08 AM

So your mom finally got her wish, eh?

Sorry to hear about the breakup. The best way to deal is to find things that make you happy and do them, but also give yourself some time to be sad about the breakup. Mutual or not, you didn't want it to turn out this way and it stings. So let yourself be sad for a while, and don't try to just jump into another relationship. Spend some time figuring out what you want, and try to meet a lot of new people. When you feel like dating again you'll know it.

skysooner · 10-24-2003, 06:42 AM

It is going to take a bit of time. When a girl broke up with me (one that I was close to getting engaged to) that I had lived with for a year, it took me a good 6 months before I was able to really feel comfortable being alone. There were times I was relieved it was over (it wouldn't have worked long term), but I still wanted to have someone around. I was able to date during that time, but it was at least a couple of months until I would have been able to give anyone any sort of commitment. Give yourself the time to heal. These are the times you really find out about yourself.

analog · 10-26-2003, 07:38 PM

Typical grievance period is about 6 months for something like that. If you can, try hanging out with girls, with no intention of anything, and see what developes. Go get laid. Really. Good luck!

Church · 10-26-2003, 08:37 PM

Don't worry, this will pass. But if you feel that strongly about, I'll tell you what I did to get my girl back. When we broke up, I kept a journal everyday of the things that I missed. Things like being with her, what feelings I missed that I had with her, what I missed that we did together, etc. After a while, I gave it back to her and gave her time to read it. When she realized how I felt about her from my writing (which I didn't hold back on), she started to see what I had trouble conveying while we were together. And now I can happily say that we're back together.

lyxo · 10-26-2003, 11:24 PM

When that happens, you just have to think back to why you broke up in the first place. There was definitely lots of good in the relationship, but there's just too much baggage left to try to fix, most of the time. You just have to realize that the good can be brought out with anyone else. The person we choose to be with is the person that always has pleasant surprises for us.

macmanmike6100 · 10-27-2003, 12:01 AM

same thing just happened to me about two weeks ago, except that it was only a relationship of one year.

it hurts like hell but these things most definitely require some time to feel it. just feel - i'm struggling not to judge my feelings.

you might want to take this time to think about what you want in a significant other. explore other women, when you feel that you are ready. lurkette and analog said it well, also mentioning that it's worth it to simply spend time with other women, with no ulterior motives.

feel free to be in touch

JStrider · 10-27-2003, 07:38 AM

well ive been single after a year long relationship... one thing that helped me out a ton was getting on a new message board of all people who go to my school and going and partying and hanging out with them...

when your in a long term relationship the 2 of you generally start to have the same friends... so after a breakup if you keep hanging out with mutual friends youll prolly run into her... or atleast be reminded of her by them... and meeting new people is cool...

Quaz · 10-27-2003, 09:49 AM

You and I are in the same boat right now. I had to break up with my long term girlfriend after I finally got fed up enough with her drinking problems. (I'll explain in another thread) Anyway, I learned a long time ago that in every break-up situation. Mutual or not, there is always a winner and a loser. The winner is typically the person who is able to let go and move on the quickest with the least amount of depression. In this situation, even though I broke up with her, I'm the loser. So my old friend depression has returned. I went through a 6 month depression after an old girlfriend 3 years ago and I learned alot during that time. I went through many days where the first thing I thought of was her and it hurts. It was so bad that I thought "Well, you're alive, I guess you'll just have to make it through another day." You have to remind yourself everyday that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that it is just a phase. We'll both pull through this time together.

Jesus Pimp · 10-27-2003, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SlickPrick
Don't worry, this will pass. But if you feel that strongly about, I'll tell you what I did to get my girl back. When we broke up, I kept a journal everyday of the things that I missed. Things like being with her, what feelings I missed that I had with her, what I missed that we did together, etc. After a while, I gave it back to her and gave her time to read it. When she realized how I felt about her from my writing (which I didn't hold back on), she started to see what I had trouble conveying while we were together. And now I can happily say that we're back together.

That's actually a good idea! Thanks!

31Friction · 10-27-2003, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SlickPrick
Don't worry, this will pass. But if you feel that strongly about, I'll tell you what I did to get my girl back. When we broke up, I kept a journal everyday of the things that I missed. Things like being with her, what feelings I missed that I had with her, what I missed that we did together, etc. After a while, I gave it back to her and gave her time to read it. When she realized how I felt about her from my writing (which I didn't hold back on), she started to see what I had trouble conveying while we were together. And now I can happily say that we're back together.

I actually did almost the exact same thing with my ex. in the end we had to break it off anyway because of other reasons but the statement "You dont know what you have until you haven't got it anymore" is oh so true...

tikki · 10-27-2003, 07:13 PM

Give her time. Calling her up is probably a bad idea, because you may come off as pushy. I tried that route, and all it got me was a broken heart, a bruised hand, and a dented wall.

Just try to keep your mind occupied for a while, and when time has passed if you still feel the way you do today, give it a shot.

How you keep your mind occupied is totally up to you. Some people like to date others, but since I usually keep to myself I have a hard time meeting anyone new, so I usually just work on personal projects. read books, and sit online. You may have better luck though.

OFKU0 · 10-28-2003, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by analog
Go get laid. Really. Good luck!

I say go for it.You think you are hurting now. Give yourself six more months of feeling sorry for yourself only to find out your ex is living the life.Dancing.Drinking.Partying.Making new friends.Getting laid and loving it. Then you'll be pissed off at yourself for not getting busy.Life is right now. Live it.

elfuq · 10-28-2003, 10:56 PM

Have a crazy stupid rebound affair that you know won't last, is almost certainly a mistake. but feels damn good when you're doing it. Thus you get her out of your system so when the rebound falls apart (as you KNEW it would) you are healed and ready to find someone serious.

la_lunasea · 10-29-2003, 10:22 AM

It's fucked up, immature, and pathetic to use a person to get someone else out of your system.
Be an adult, take a good look inside yourself, talk about your feelings with any good listeners, do nice things for yourself, most importantly, just be present. If you live in the moment, it's hard to trip on the past.

If you decide to go the rebound route because you don't have the strength and courage to heal your own ass, make certain the other person is clear about what you're doing.
You may be lucky and he/she may just want to get laid, too, and could give a shit about you as well.
I just hope for your sake that you're not as big of a loser as the previous poster and will utilize healthier means of dealing.

xaneidolon · 11-03-2003, 06:23 PM

I'm in a similar situation. Having been through this before, all I can say is time, time, time. I'm guessing it won't get all that much better for me for another six or so months, but I do know that time will pass and will get better eventually. Also, there is no elegance in a quick-fuck-to-forget...it won't help...

10-24-2003, 02:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
Jesus Pimp The Original JizzSmacka	Being single again: how to deal? Me and my gf recently broke up after 2.5 years. At first it seemed like the right thing to do since we couldn't resolve some problems we had. It was a mutual breakup. So now I'm single once again. It's been a while and it feels very odd. I'm not sure how to go about dealing. i wake up at nights wishing she was still with me. We agreed to stay friends and eventually hang out when we're ready. I wish I could call her up and ask her to reconsider. I feel like I can't live without her. I want to work things out. I don't know if she is currently feeling the same way. The not knowing really hurts. Any advice on how to deal or if it's even a good idea to call her up at this point to ask her? __________________ Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

10-24-2003, 03:27 AM	#3 (permalink)
Jesus Pimp The Original JizzSmacka	Thanks! I think it's the latter too. I'm not sure how to talk to other girls. Maybe I'll wait a while. I dunno. __________________ Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

10-24-2003, 04:08 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	So your mom finally got her wish, eh? Sorry to hear about the breakup. The best way to deal is to find things that make you happy and do them, but also give yourself some time to be sad about the breakup. Mutual or not, you didn't want it to turn out this way and it stings. So let yourself be sad for a while, and don't try to just jump into another relationship. Spend some time figuring out what you want, and try to meet a lot of new people. When you feel like dating again you'll know it. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

10-27-2003, 07:38 AM	#10 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	well ive been single after a year long relationship... one thing that helped me out a ton was getting on a new message board of all people who go to my school and going and partying and hanging out with them... when your in a long term relationship the 2 of you generally start to have the same friends... so after a breakup if you keep hanging out with mutual friends youll prolly run into her... or atleast be reminded of her by them... and meeting new people is cool... __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

10-27-2003, 07:13 PM	#14 (permalink)
tikki Justified Location: West Lafayette, IN	Give her time. Calling her up is probably a bad idea, because you may come off as pushy. I tried that route, and all it got me was a broken heart, a bruised hand, and a dented wall. Just try to keep your mind occupied for a while, and when time has passed if you still feel the way you do today, give it a shot. How you keep your mind occupied is totally up to you. Some people like to date others, but since I usually keep to myself I have a hard time meeting anyone new, so I usually just work on personal projects. read books, and sit online. You may have better luck though. __________________ Take notice. Take interest. Take me with you.

10-24-2003, 03:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
mistered Tilted	I think you need to step back and ask yourself whether you really want HER or whether you are hurting because you really want SOMEONE in your life. It sounds more like the latter. If you get back together with her, you're solving the problem of having someone and bringing back whatever other major issues were in the fold. You'll find someone else. Why not try dating instead? It will take you some time to get to the comfort level you had with the ex, but at least you're not bringing all of the unresolvable problems back into the picture. Good luck, and hang in there.

10-24-2003, 06:42 AM	#5 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	It is going to take a bit of time. When a girl broke up with me (one that I was close to getting engaged to) that I had lived with for a year, it took me a good 6 months before I was able to really feel comfortable being alone. There were times I was relieved it was over (it wouldn't have worked long term), but I still wanted to have someone around. I was able to date during that time, but it was at least a couple of months until I would have been able to give anyone any sort of commitment. Give yourself the time to heal. These are the times you really find out about yourself.

10-26-2003, 07:38 PM	#6 (permalink)
analog Banned	Typical grievance period is about 6 months for something like that. If you can, try hanging out with girls, with no intention of anything, and see what developes. Go get laid. Really. Good luck!

10-26-2003, 08:37 PM	#7 (permalink)
Church Tilted F*ckhead Location: New Jersey	Don't worry, this will pass. But if you feel that strongly about, I'll tell you what I did to get my girl back. When we broke up, I kept a journal everyday of the things that I missed. Things like being with her, what feelings I missed that I had with her, what I missed that we did together, etc. After a while, I gave it back to her and gave her time to read it. When she realized how I felt about her from my writing (which I didn't hold back on), she started to see what I had trouble conveying while we were together. And now I can happily say that we're back together.

10-26-2003, 11:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
lyxo Crazy	When that happens, you just have to think back to why you broke up in the first place. There was definitely lots of good in the relationship, but there's just too much baggage left to try to fix, most of the time. You just have to realize that the good can be brought out with anyone else. The person we choose to be with is the person that always has pleasant surprises for us.

10-27-2003, 12:01 AM	#9 (permalink)
macmanmike6100 High Honorary Junkie Location: Tri-state.	same thing just happened to me about two weeks ago, except that it was only a relationship of one year. it hurts like hell but these things most definitely require some time to feel it. just feel - i'm struggling not to judge my feelings. you might want to take this time to think about what you want in a significant other. explore other women, when you feel that you are ready. lurkette and analog said it well, also mentioning that it's worth it to simply spend time with other women, with no ulterior motives. feel free to be in touch

10-27-2003, 09:49 AM	#11 (permalink)
Quaz Upright	You and I are in the same boat right now. I had to break up with my long term girlfriend after I finally got fed up enough with her drinking problems. (I'll explain in another thread) Anyway, I learned a long time ago that in every break-up situation. Mutual or not, there is always a winner and a loser. The winner is typically the person who is able to let go and move on the quickest with the least amount of depression. In this situation, even though I broke up with her, I'm the loser. So my old friend depression has returned. I went through a 6 month depression after an old girlfriend 3 years ago and I learned alot during that time. I went through many days where the first thing I thought of was her and it hurts. It was so bad that I thought "Well, you're alive, I guess you'll just have to make it through another day." You have to remind yourself everyday that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that it is just a phase. We'll both pull through this time together.

10-28-2003, 10:56 PM	#16 (permalink)
elfuq Insane Location: San Francisco	Have a crazy stupid rebound affair that you know won't last, is almost certainly a mistake. but feels damn good when you're doing it. Thus you get her out of your system so when the rebound falls apart (as you KNEW it would) you are healed and ready to find someone serious.

10-29-2003, 10:22 AM	#17 (permalink)
la_lunasea Upright Location: SF, CA	It's fucked up, immature, and pathetic to use a person to get someone else out of your system. Be an adult, take a good look inside yourself, talk about your feelings with any good listeners, do nice things for yourself, most importantly, just be present. If you live in the moment, it's hard to trip on the past. If you decide to go the rebound route because you don't have the strength and courage to heal your own ass, make certain the other person is clear about what you're doing. You may be lucky and he/she may just want to get laid, too, and could give a shit about you as well. I just hope for your sake that you're not as big of a loser as the previous poster and will utilize healthier means of dealing. Last edited by la_lunasea; 10-29-2003 at 10:25 AM..

11-03-2003, 06:23 PM	#18 (permalink)
xaneidolon Tilted	Time I'm in a similar situation. Having been through this before, all I can say is time, time, time. I'm guessing it won't get all that much better for me for another six or so months, but I do know that time will pass and will get better eventually. Also, there is no elegance in a quick-fuck-to-forget...it won't help...