telekinetic2

Hey,

I was just wondering if/how any of you have patched things up with someone who cheated on you.

My general story is that I went on vacation for a week with some old friends, my girlfriend didn't come. She had a personal crisis the day I left, and I almost came home that day to be with her and comfort her...but she said to stay and enjoy my vacation. So I just used up 500 cell phone minutes calling her a couple times a day to make sure she was OK.

However, over the course of the next couple weeks, I found out she had been calling this guy she met online every night I was gone to comfort her so she could sleep, and ended up going to his place and 'just falling asleep by her self on the couch'.--i believed her that she just fell asleep without even questioning it.

Along every stage of my slow discovery process, every time i would find something out *always from a source other than her* she would tell me I knew everything. There were about four different times where I would find out something new, and she would tell me I knew everything.

I had forgiven her for being lonely while I was gone, it bothered me but, whatever...but I found out several weeks later, and fifth hand, she'd actually slept with him. After I found out, I confronted her and told her I knew something she didn't think I would find out, and she had one more chance to tell me....and she didn't.

I'm still with her, and thoughts of him and her together bother me just about every day...I'll be going about my business, and BAM I'll see or hear something that will remind me of her, and somehow that snaps a shot of him and her fucking or cuddling or kissing into my head. I'll see a couple together, and suddenly I picture it being him and her...every time I think of anything sexual, it's him and her.....

I'd rather get over it..I'm in therapy for it, actually. She says she was at a confusing point in our relationship, and I should just get over it (I get the impression she wishes I never found out about it).

She is done with the whole situation and doesn't want to talk about it anymore....but insists that by being wary of her relations with guys (who are from the same group of friends as the guy she cheated on me with was from) I'm being ridiculous.

*sigh*

Anyone have any helpful input/advice? I'm in therapy (primarly for this), but that's only once a month and its $$$ as all hell...so I figured I'd vent here as well. Any ideas on how I can not be a jealous boyfriend, and yet still be comfortable and be able to trust her again?

Thanks in advance, guys...feel free to share your own stories, or respond to mine.

rainheart

Yea I got some advice. Put your balls back on.

What are you thinking, seriously? She puts you through all that shit and all you do is go to therapy, and she has the nerve to tell you to "just get over it"?

Johnny Rotten

Run away, my friend. That is not right.

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telekinetic2

Well, I've just kind of 'dealt with it' for the past two months...I do care for her, and I didn't expect it to still be bothering me this far afterwards. Her attitude when I want to discuss seems to be "why must you be mean and rub in my face the horrible things I've done in the past?"

Harshaw

Damn Tele, you and I should form a "Guys who like to be doormats" club. She used you, and it doesn't sound like she is very sad about it.
Did she ever apologize? How much remorse did she show? Was this 3 years ago and she begged your forgiveness. Or did this happen fairly recently?
I don’t believe cheating should be the end of a relationship if both people are willing to work it out. But the fact that you are spending money on a therapist instead of working it out with her seems like bad news. Telling you to get over it is really only a valid response if this is something that happened a long time ago that you have worked on.

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This too shall pass.

telekinetic2

hehe...sorry Harshaw, my response is sort of in my edit of the post above yours :-) we submitted simultaneously

Mephisto2

Dump her and move on.

Trust me mate. I've been there and done that.

Mr Mephisto

Harshaw

If she isn't going to try to help you work through it, stop dealing with it and break it off. I have learned (just today actually) that just because you care for someone and love them totally, it still may not be enough for a relationship to exist. I think it is one of the dumbest parts about relationships, I don't know how they could evolve with such a fatal flaw.

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This too shall pass.

MuadDib

Several questions. Were you in therapy before this happened or because this happened? How long have you been together? Has she cheated before? Have you cheated before? What do you think it would take to trust her again? Do you want revenge in any way?

Don't beat on yourself. What happened is NOT your fault and you are NOT a doormat for trying to make it work. Some relationships can and should be saved after infidelity. On the other hand, many shouldn't. Pry the most important question I want answered to give you valid advice is do you want to save this relationship? why? (if your answer is something akin to "because I love her" tell me why you feel that way)

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Rodney

Classic female evasion behavior. I say that with apologies to the many women on this board who are enlightened enough not to stoop to such things. She messed you over, but you're the bad guy because you're making her feel bad by not forgetting all about it.... yeah, run. She doesn't sound like she's mature enough to come to terms with the consequences of her own behavior. Which means, anything she does to hurt you will _always_ be your fault. And she'll keep doing it as long as you put up with it, or until somebody she likes better comes along. Then she'll drop you and justify it by saying that she has to leave because you don't trust her or something.

Believe me, I have seen this in action. Fortunately not done to me personally.

zfleebin

I would say hightail it out of that relationship. This kind of behavior is not only problematic but reoccuring. my 2cents now ill go

telekinetic2

Well, I talked to her tonight after seeing a few of the responses...she said that even though it will make her feel like shit, because she feels shitty every time she thinks about it (classic female, eh Rodney?), she'd rather feel like shit and have me talk to her than me not tell her 'everything'...so I guess that makes me hopeful...I told her cuz she's on the board and would see the thread...She says I misunderstood her the last time we talked: when she had said she never wanted to talk or hear or think about it again, she meant 'unless I want to talk about it.' Somehow. I don't understand it, but I guess it's a step in the right direction. Thanks guys.

alfred183

My dad cheated on my mom before, but they were grown up enough to talk about it and build trust again. Takes a lot of effort, but some things are worth saving. Gotta really think about whether or not this is one of those things and what you can do to make things better if it is. It's really important to be able to communicate openly and really listen to what the other person is saying so that you don't misunderstand and take a step back.
Anyway, sorry I can't be of more help. You guys really need to help each other...

slimshaydee

You know that is crap dude, everyone pulls that line (it's like the something suddenly came up line to get out of dates, or the it's not you its me line). You both obviously dont have trust (sorry cant think of the right word here) in each other, otherwise she would have felt so guilty and told you what she'd done wrong, especially after you gave her so many chances to tell you. The fact is, she deliberately lied to you, and witheld important information from you. The icing on the cake was when she told you to get over it, dont take that crap from her man, you are better than that. There are plenty of other women out there for you.

Kyo

Grow a backbone, take off your rosy glasses of optimism, wake up and smell the coffee. No second chances, no looking back. A woman like that isn't worth anyone's time.

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Dibbler

After reading through all the posts and responses from Telekinetic, I think this one still says it all...

Ripsaw

Hooly shit. You're in therapy, because she cheated on you. Okay. Let's just take this as one of the little curveballs that life throws you. And move on to the next thing that happens in life.

The grocery store is out of milk. Therapy.
My cat died. Therapy.
I lost my job. Therapy on layaway.
I got a job but I hate my co-workers. Therapy.

Seeing the trend? Continue on with this, and you will always need help to get through things. As for the cheating, you have officially earned your "Screw Anything That Moves Card". You can forgive her transgression, and not use it, but you will never forget that she was unfaithful. I would have kicked her to the curb as soon as I found out she was sleeping with someone else.

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yournamehere

Okay - I just deleted 20 minutes' worth of a post, but figured scathing sarcasm might not be in your best interest right now (damn - and it was some of my best work).

Instead, I'l just point out what I thought was a very telltale sign:
You mentioned <i>"I had forgiven her for being lonely while I was gone, it bothered me but, whatever..."</i>

Man - you were gone for <i>a freakin' week.</i> - it's not like you deserted her. And consider the irony - <i>you</i> were the only one alone that week!
And wasn't she originally supposed to come with you? That's the impression I got - that she made up that "personal crisis" story to stay with her new fuck buddy.
News Fash - <b>It's not your fault that she cheated on you</b>
Stop beating yourself up over it.

I think everything that needs to be said has been said in this thread, and none better than by <b>rainheart</b>.

Like someone suggested, you need to mentally and emotionally bitch-slap her to the curb. (not physically, of course)

Regroup and move on - better things await you, my friend.

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Cynthetiq

Like a hot potatoe....

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quadro2000

I believe that the only reason for a relationship to continue after infidelity is if both parties are not only truly sorry for what they did but are willing to work towards fixing the issues that allowed it to happen in the first place - they need to face them head-on at any time and both have to be completely committed to not letting it happen again. They need to work at rebuilding trust.

To be honest, it sounds like you are willing to do this but your girlfriend isn't.

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rainheart

Ok, just a word of advice, don't treat her like she IS a whore. Okay? She's not. Just imagine if you were a girl and had the sex drive of a man, you'd hit whatever walks 5 times every day.

I'll expand on all that when I get back...

telekinetic2

mmmm...sarcasm...heheNo, she wasn't included in the plans...we had transportation + hotel reservations a month before I met her. And the crisis was real, some guy messed with her while she was drunk at a party. And I was alone by choice...I was wingmanning for my buddy with the bikini babes on the beach, wishing she was there or I was with her.
Not really beating myself up so much...I was just wanting to try and make it work, if possible.

rainheart

Ok, so like I was going to say...

Treating her like a whore makes no sense because being a promiscuous girl in American (North American?) society is so damn hard without being looked down upon by the masses that you just about cannot do it openly, and if you foster those feelings into her she will probably walk away or worse. If the only way she thinks she can go about hooking up with another guy is by deceiving you, then she is worried about looking like a slut . The reason you have been cheated on is because she felt like she couldn't tell you (unless she's into deceiving for sport, in which case get your sorry ass out of there), and that is because society looks down upon promiscuous girls. This by no means excuses her actions however, don't feel pity!! Taking a weak stance on all of this will NOT help you AT ALL!

Yes, in some way, you have now received a "get pussy for free" card (ridiculous isn't it), should you decide to cash that in is up to you. But, obviously, don't be surprised if she walks if you do that.

How long has your relationship lasted? A month? And already there's been a "confusing point" in that relationship?

Now you are in therapy because your girlfriend cheated on you. So this indicates that you were very shocked to find out she did indeed cheat on you. This indicates that you were attached. If the length of your relationship is one or say one or two months and you are already attached, these might have been the reasons:
1) You get attached way too easily.
2) This girl must've really been something (as in exceeding beyond your standards)!
3) You were fooled into thinking this girl was really something.

I don't know how #2 can apply if she cheats on you.

You are trying to work it out with your GF despite the fact that she played you, and lied to you untill you yourself found out what had been going on.

All I wonder is, what does that communicate to her, when you let her lie to you time after time, when you seek therapy as a result of her infidelity, when you try to work it out between the two of you for what she's done? What does that communicate to her?

Feel free to clear anything up for us.

telekinetic2

So...this thread has been very helpful for me...I don't think i'll break up with her just based on the responses, but it at least lets her know that I'm not ridiculous for taking this stuff seriously...she's now said she's willing to do anything to patch up the relationship, including paying out-of-pocket for couples counselling.

To answer some questions, we were kind of thrown together quickly by some wierd circumstances a couple months before this happened....there is a lot more drama in this relationship than i even want to get into here....

numist_net

long post warning: if you dont care, skip and read last 4 lines, if any of this post.

setup: last year, I met a gal, we have been friends since then, nothing more, I am not a character in this story. She had a long distance thing going with a guy (who currently lives with me... great guy). They were together for over 2 years, and had plans on marriage, were already engaged, the works.
She met another of my friends, and he got in close, and split them apart, and started going out with her this year. Justin (ex b/f, my roommate) and Luke (other guy) are not best of friends now, but that notwithstanding, Luke and the woman involved in all this are no longer together and not speaking anymore.
Justin still is her friend, they talk, and he helps her when she has her emotional breakdowns, but will probably not get right back with her withoug some serious consideration, because, being of italian background, he holds trust and respect very high, and it will take a lot of time to repair it if it ever does mend.

Anyway, that all said, if shes been cheating, take a big step back and look at your position. Trust and respect are the most valuable currency you will ever trade in in personal relationships. Think of the cost, and then make your choice.

Johnny Rotten

Dude. Counseling for people who are just dating? She cheated on you when you'd only been gone for a week? What about the next time you have to go somewhere, like to get some groceries or drop off some mail at the post office? You are <i>way too trusting</i>. No one is worth being cheated on in the space of a few days, and being told they should shut up and deal with it.

alfred183

telekinetic, I think you should tell everyone the whole story if you want acurate responses. Like, for example, were you guys on a break at that point? I'm not sure if it's still cheating if you're on a break. I don't know all the details, so I'm just giving an example...
Did she really tell you to shut up and forget about it or is that just what you decyphered from her words?

SLIMM

let me tell you one thing i have learned from experiance,

you do not have to put up with shit like this!
my ex cheated on me,actually two of em did and it was the hardest thing i ever had to deal with! but there are good people out there,people who are loyal and loving and who can be trusted!
you only have one chance at this life so dont waste it,and dont let anyone else waste it for you!
if she cheated then do whats best for you!
if you love her and you think she just made a mistake thengive her another chance but let her know how you feel!
if you think she will do it again then go,NOW!
move on and find that someone special who is out there for you!

Battlefield

Dude I came clean to my gf about KISSING another girl...and I am still working my way out of the dog house...if I can even make it. You need to seriously consider dumping her. She cheated. Whats worse is she wouldn't even tell you when confronted about it. Therapy might help you get over it but it won't stop it from happening again.

a2k

If your therapist is good, s/he will quickly turn the tides and show you that your issues aren't so much with your being cheated on as much as they are something like:

1) Putting yourself in a position where you got cheated on
2) Not having the confidence in this and other relationships to make a decision on how to deal with it and move on

Only you can decide if this is worth working through, but I can tell you one thing from my experience that may or may not apply: For about the first 10 years of dating, I was in relationships because of what I thought of the girl - "she's beautiful, smart, fun, sexy, blah, blah". I would put this before the relationship that we created and how we interacted. I was in awe that I got to be with her, sleep with her, etc., even if our relationship was shit, our interaction was shit, and she treated me like shit. I was a victim of the pedastal.

A few years ago there was a paradigm shift in my perspective toward relationships that took them to a whole new level. I woke up one day and realized that while all of those great things about these women I'd been in 'relationships' was cool, a relationship based on my admiration or awe was a pretty one-sided relationship. Suddenly, it became all about the way we interact, the way we treat each other, and the relationship that we build together. For the first time, I'd go on a date with a really hot girl and quickly lose interest if I didn't see that interaction potential.

What I'm really getting at is that no matter how great she is, if the kind of relationship you create with her puts enough stress on you to land you in therapy, is this the kind of relationship you want?

Schwan

Another rock to the pile... not that I have any authority on this, but I'd run. It's just not right - I wouldn't have bought all that bullshit about confusion and so on, but then again that's my opinion.

skysooner

Someone that would treat you like that is not someone that you want to be with in the long-term. You can never trust that she won't cheat on you again, and the fact that she wants to hide it so much indicates that she is feeling very little remorse.

powder

You are a fool to stay with her. She will do it again. It is a symptom of a bigger problem.

telekinetic2

Not as far as I knew...we had been on-again, off-again for a while, but if we were on break, why would she call me in california to cry to me about what happened at the party, and why would I have wanted to come home to comfort her? Whether things were ambiguous before I left or not (which I'm not sure of one way or the other, from her perspective) the fact that I lost three nights of sleep wanting to come home, make sure she was ok, and beat the crap out of the guy that messed with her should have said something about whether I cared for her or not.
OK, so give her the benefit of the doubt for a second...assume she thought we were on break (I did not). She still lied to me repeatedly for several weeks about everything!
We talked about the situation, she said she was willing to help me do 'whatever' to get over it, but she never wanted to talk about it again, and every time I tried to breach the topic, she'd shut down and ignore me and make it obvious that she thought I was being mean.

SiN

why all the drama?

just go already.

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bad30th

No judgements here weither way, buuUUUuuuut

Maybe is my 6th sense or my Spider sense or something but I think I am starting to notice a trend Not too sure tho....

Apex Shok

Hate to say it this way and I am sure that this will offend some people. (But this is a subject that really pains me)

You broke my trust, I have never broken yours. I gave you my heart and you just stomped on it. I have never lied you and you continue to lie to me.

I have never disrespected you like you did me.

I took the advice that a buddy of mine gave me.

Stick it in'er butt, blast it in'er face, and kick her to the curb. IT IS OVER..... NOW.

Then call up your real friends. ( The one's that wont' mind gettin you all drunk and crying on thier shoulder. ) Get her outta your system and never see her again. You can't trust her, and you don't need people that you can't trust around.

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telekinetic2

coincidently enough, bad30th=aforementioned friend hehe.

BonesCPA

Short and to the point, SiN. Ditto.

One other thing, we don't know your ages, but I will assume you are probably early twenties. My only thought is that you have a lot of years left, is she the one you will spend it with, keeping in mind that you will always be reminded of the time she cheated. Ten years from now she comes home late from the bar, are you going to be wondering what happened or who happened?

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Back into hibernation.

Apex Shok

No, more like early 30's, just really immature.