The Unsexy List
 

From http://www.nerve.com/regulars/quickies/unsexy/

1. Lip liner. To paraphrase David Cross: "Lip liner makes your mouth look like an asshole. You're talking and I'm imagining six different types of shit coming out of your mouth."
2. Instant messaging.
   
   j_dunlevy_69: so do u want to go out with me?
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of course!
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't get to go out of the house very much.
   j_dunlevy_69: me neither
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is so crazy!
   j_dunlevy_69: do u even mind that i am 19?
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No way! But he might
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He will not allow me to have a boyfriend.
   j_dunlevy_69: why?
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He says my womb must be kept pure.
   j_dunlevy_69: do u think that also?
   a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't know. He is very religious and stuff.
3. Office cubicles. The ultimate in sexual frustration: a tiny little room too private to flirt with your neighbor and too public to pleasure yourself.
4. Match.com personals. Fun-loving gal, 42, likes long walks on the beach, long Sunday afternoons at Linens 'n' Things, bridge . . . PLEASE KILL ME.
5. Lord of the Rings. The movies are fine, but did you know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually get your virginity back?
6. Denise Richards. Sexy two years ago, but now looks like she's been ridden hard and hung out wet.
7. Nu Metal. Musical genre or soundtrack for gang rape? The debate continues. As fads go, makes goth look positively sensible.
8. Teddies. One time, a girl surprised us by wearing a satin teddy to bed. We excused ourselves to the bathroom and had a little cry.
9. Livejournal. How I'm feeling: bored. Song stuck in my head: "Raspberry Beret." Air of mystery that once surrounded me: gone.
10. Star diets. Has anyone seen the other half of Beyonce Knowles, Kate Winslet, or Christina Ricci? 'Cause it left with all the good parts.
11. Drinks with "sexy" names. Bar patrons who order a "screaming orgasm," "sex on the beach," "blow job," or "long slow screw against the wall" are 77% less likely to get laid than the ones drinking beer. Wonder why.
12. Heath Ledger. They fussed over him a while ago, but he just looks like your older cousin's dumb metal boyfriend from 1987.
13. Ashton Kutcher. Okay, the backlash started already, but it still hasn't been publicly pointed out that his neck is thicker than his head. Shit like that was genetically selected against a million years ago.
14. Fan fiction. That gangbang between the Backstreet Boys and the cast of Buffy is much hotter in your head than on your website. Please keep it there.
15. Pilates. Yoga minus the kinky contortions. There are better ways to spend an hour on your back.
16. Jenny from the block. Forget the "real" J-Lo. We'd rather fuck the one who demands white candles and 450,000-thread-count sheets in her hotel room.
17. Valium. It gained fame as the drug that kept Donna Reed fem-bots from having nervous breakdowns and burning the roast. Except you're not cute like Donna Reed. You're just slurring your speech. Stop it.
18. Your cats. Attachment to a non-human mammal that doesn't give a fuck about you bespeaks emotional damage. It's the kind that transforms you from "alluringly quirky" to "certifiable."
19. Little digital cameras on your cell phone. These are for taking dirty pictures and posting them online, not for snapping your fully clothed friends in bars. When will the populace understand this?
20. Television. Despite the amount of reality raunch on the small screen, "Come over and watch a movie" is always going to be more of a jeans-loosener than "come over and watch TV."
21. Over-grooming. Being clean and neat is good. People appreciate a white smile and trimmed fingernails. If you're spending time and money getting your asshole bleached, step back for a sec.
22. Perfume/cologne. A throwback from a time when people didn't wash.
23. Continentals. Everything sounds sexy with an outrageous accent. Sure, whatever they say seems profound, but that's because their 300-word vocabulary was gleaned entirely from Doors records. Context, people!
24. The movie Unfaithful. Case in point. Only archetypal soccer moms get hot and bothered by the idea of an unkempt Gallic type who speaks in prose. Yuck!
25. Stillettoes. Exactly 87% of women who wear them hobble around like newborn foals.
26. Martini glasses. By the time you drag your Cosmo or sidecar across the bar, there's 40% less liquid in it.
27. Food — particularly oysters — as aphrodisiacs. Funny how all these vaguely genital-esque foods happen to be culinary Spanish Fly. "It kind of looks like a lady's naughty part!" he says. "Mmmm ... I'm eating it as if it were a big glob of come," she replies. "Perhaps we should go and do it!" they say and promptly leave the raw bar. A load of posh nonsense.
28. Smoking fetishes. Blowing smoke rings is a neat trick. So is the "French inhale." As for people who jerk off while thinking about this, in the same way that foot fetishists graduate to shoe fetishism, do cig pervs end up worshipping emphysema?
29. All-over tans. Frequently accompanied by a clean-shaved pubic region, a pot belly and a NASCAR visor. A deep-tanned penis looks like a dry-cured meat snack you bought at a gas station. Tan lines — hot!
30. Coldplay. The new Portishead. By this, we mean they make wayyyyy overplayed sex music, the audio equivalent of a party van or bearskin rug. Like mad cow disease, Chris Martin's songs seep into your head and slowly mutilate your DNA until your brain is soup.
31. Candles. Another lame sexual accoutrement handed down from our parents' generation, like Kenny G and bubble bath. Some company must market these items in combination as the Hot Lover's Fun Pak. Probably with a silk scarf and an ice-cube tray.
32. Tongue Rings. You having a tongue ring in 2003 is like us prancing around in eight-ball jackets. After four drinks you'll slur that it makes oral sex feel amazing. It doesn't!
33. Lower-back tattooes. Lately, it seems that if there's no faux-Celtic design between your low-rise jeans and your baby tee, something's missing. Recently, we've been seeing girls with their names in thug font in that place. Must save a lot of awkwardness.
34. Burning Man. Thirty-five-year-old men with frattoos and goatees trek into the desert in search of hippie poontang. "Dude! Naked chicks!" By way of preparation, they throw on a String Cheese Incident CD (and take out the Insane Clown Posse) on the long drive from the Valley.
35. Friendster.com. For a few months, it was a secret cute-kid sex party. Then all your exes heard about it. Then Courtney Love got on it. Then strangers started insisting you'd shared some magical experience with them outside Tuscaloosa. You told them you'd never been to Tuscaloosa and that they must have the wrong person. Then they told you your pet hamster’s name from when you were five and you started shaking.
36. Employment. People always talk about "becoming their job," which is the most heinous thing ever.
37. Headgear Trends. Trucker hats, paperboy caps and sweatbands look ridiculous on anyone other than truckers, paper boys and Bjorn Borg in 1976. You can be funny, but not with your head.
38. Lead guitarists. Girls have THINGS for bassists, THINGS for drummers. But do you know anyone with a THING for lead guitarists? No. Too often, they cross the line between cocky and desperate.
39. Novelty hip-hop. Clever modernist lit references + killer hook = suck. If Derrida and the RZA were meant for each other, they would have figured it out by now on their own. They're both smarter than us.
40. Ann Coulter. Oh, look! Psychotic neo-Nazi tendencies and pretty hair! Isn't that cute? No. And think about it: it's not hard to be the belle of the conservative-pundit ball when all the other guests are Rush Limbaugh.
41. Flavored lube. If God wanted us to taste like kiwi, he would have made us kiwis. (Also applicable to lip gloss.)
42. The Mile High Club. You hear a lot about horny, uncreative couples ducking into airplane restrooms together. What you don’t hear about are sprained knees, the smell of disinfectant, and the very real possibility of being sucked through the toilet to your death.
43. Blogging about your sex life. People who do this are under two delusions: a) that everyone wants to fuck them, and b) that their writing is interesting. Which is worse: sexual megalomania or an inability to edit? It's a dead heat. The online equivalent of that excruciatingly monotonous blowjob scene in every porn movie ever made.
44. Planned sex marathons. "Dude, we got a hotel room and didn't come out for three days!" This never happens. Even if it does, it's not cool.
45. Kim Cattrall. We’re all for women retaining sex appeal after forty, fifty, sixty, or whatever. What we are not for: actresses displaying their identity crises by wearing bright green minidresses to the Video Music Awards while snarling supposedly seductive things about 50 Cent.
46. Craigslist Casual Encounters (www.craigslist.org). The anonymously exposed deepest desires of urban youth. Mostly for hand jobs and Vicodin, always misspelled.
47. Teenagers. The aspirational age of our society is about sixteen. But a smoking-in-the-girls-room, fucking-in-the-backseat sixteen. Not a bra-strap-snapping, zit-popping, handing-in-math-homework-late sixteen. Market your lite beer however you want to market your lite beer, but know this: real teenagers are kind of gross.
48. Pot. Many people will go on and on about how great stoned sex is. If by “sex,” you mean “eating saltines and watching infomercials,” then you're absolutely right!
49. Man jewelry (any). Once, Carrie got with this guy who wore his grandfather’s old Russian war medal on a chain around his neck. It was meaningful and tasteful, but all she could think about during sex was Tony Danza. We're just saying . . .
50. The Internet. All those people. All that porn. All that time. Nothing you can touch.

What a stuck up little prude.

He should kill himself if he is so damn unhappy and quit pissing on everyone else's parade.

That's fucking funny as hell.

I think cats are sexy

I mean--it's called a pussy for a reason

that's funny and all, but I'm a lead guitarist. (see #38) Kinda bursteded my bubble. Maybe I should switch to bass

41. Flavored lube. If God wanted us to taste like kiwi, he would have made us kiwis.

Huh? I am a kiwi! I don't know if we have our own specific taste though...

Also, I agree with Lebell. Whoever wrote this has some serious issues. Maybe instead of writing up this shit to get his release he should just go get a therapist.

Funny shit. Have a trophy.

51. Writing a list of unsexy things to post on the internet.

that was pretty fucking funny.


and, not to flame or anything, people, its done to be humorus. if you cant laugh at yourself and your quirks, i dont know what to tell you. its sex for christ sakes, it not as if the author was making fun of finding the cure for cancer.

that was sarcasim at its finest.

that was great. lists keep me entertained

Gotta agree
 

Well though out and said. I'll always be amused and enjoy a good laugh for good sarcasm thinly vieling some honest truths. now if only that list could loose the "Sex in the city" metaphors it wouldn't seem half as desperatly hip.

Hehe, I thought the same thing when I read that one.

I think that in the US/Europe, what we know as kiwifruit are referred to as just "kiwis". I believe the only places where the original meaning is widely known are countries we play a lot sports against, ie. Aussie, England, South Africa.

hehehe

some of the stuff made me chuckle, but a lot of it i didnt agree with

hahaha, that was good

there's a new portishead?
someone want to fill me in on this?

Hey, Ratbastid, you hear that? I'm a virgin again! w00t!!!

heh, good shit, thx for the post.

Wow - I envy him for his misanthropic pessimism.

That was good for a chuckle in the morning.

He is sadly mistaken, however, in saying that girls have a thing for bass players...trust me.

Our old lead player on the other hand, was quite a popular guy.

That is the funniest thing I've read about pot smoking in a long while. It simply can't be put more succinctly.

Great list. Good chuckle to start the day.

I never understood friendster. I got invited, I joined, and I waited. All I saw every day was a bunch of pictures of people I would never meet because they all lived halfway across the country (but are supposedly friends of friends of friends) and a lame bulletin board with no context on any of the posts. I have no idea where the cute-kid sex party was.

Hey I've got a very sexy English accent, and my 305 word vocabulary comes from Madness records and I still seem to do all right.

It started off kinda funny, but then he seemed more and more pathetic as it went on. Keep the list to 15 at most, tighten it up. Or maybe he just wants to be the next Andy Rooney.

I thought it was funny enough to share.

Prude? Nerve is prudish? http://burns.thefinaldimension.org/cwm/3dlil/eek2.gif

Considering that Nerve is where Jadzia got the images for "Position of the Day", referring to them as prudish qualifies as an ignorant opinion. You might want to actually *LOOK* first before tossing out labels like that.

Yes, it probably would have been better if they had taken the best 20 or 25.

Funny! Woohoo! Laughs!

Hahahaha. I think those who are offended are taking this a little to personal.

very funny! Thanks for the post

funny in that cynical way... youre a bit high maitenance arent you? (and i dont say that likes its a bad thing either.... i am sometimes.) but never as bad as J. Lo!!!

I laughed, and I enjoyed. Sometimes I laughed because it was funny and relevant to me,sometimes (mostly) it was funny because it was stupid or just flatly whinily cynical/pessimistic IMO and therefore humorous to read. Either way, thanks for posting it.

And let's be a bit more respectful of others's opinions, people. Maybe this person is venting hostility towards what they feel is "wrong" in their lives. Let's not cheapen someone's words when honest effort was put forth.

<b>You have a back-button.</b>

Hey, great laughs, those who shun may have come upon a few points too close to home, hmmmmm?

And hey, it works for Dennis Leary! I'd do him!

Kiwi Fruit are known in the states (at least Florida and Texas) simply as kiwi.

I enjoyed the list, thanks for posting it. Like many of the other responders, a few of them applied to me.. *grin*

I liked it, and it is fun reading other's reactions, i would like to know how some of the other people were touched by the list that made them react so. The nice thing is, I guess I'm pretty sexy, cause none of those things applied to me.

most of that list made me laugh out loud... but then there were a few in there that cut a little close to home...

thanks for the list Roadrage... even if it did scare me a tiny bit.

dude, hilarious. these little things remind me strangely of what the main character of the book called 'about a boy' would say if he were real. heh.