Problem with a classmate... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Regziever · 09-30-2003, 07:41 AM

I have a slight problem with one of my classmates.. I think he's comming on to me. He's always tryning to get close to me, I mean real close.. He's always standing inside the half metre (2,5 feet??) circle around me that people usually keep distanced to be able to have a sane conversation. He's always nice and overly interested in what I have to say.. He's always trying to touch me, like keep his hand on my shoulder and my back when we're walking and talking.... I'm not sure but I belive he's either gay or bi.. It's kind of weird since I am not into that stuff..
The problem is that if he is gay and for some unknown reason started to like me how do I give him a hint that I'm not that way??
I don't want to hurt him since he's a good friend and I most definently don't want to make a scene if I'm wrong and he's not gay...
I'm pretty lost at this.. Any ideas???

Redlemon · 09-30-2003, 08:02 AM

Is he from a different country? Different cultures have different "personal space" zones.

lurkette · 09-30-2003, 08:08 AM

If the problem is the contact itself, try just subtly interrupting it - stopping to tie your shoe while you're walking or something, and starting out walking a few feet further away so he can't have his hand on your shoulder.

If you're concerned about him coming on to you, wait till it happens and just be honest - sorry, I'm not gay and I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend. Simple - same as you would say with a girl who liked you and in whom you were not interested.

Rlyss · 09-30-2003, 08:10 AM

Have you already got a girlfriend or a partner? Maybe you could keep mentioning her and talk about her a lot, and he might get the hint.

Or you could just keep moving away from him a foot or two every time he does that, and politely shrug him off when he touches you.

I think the best way might be to wait until he touches your back or your shoulder like that and laugh and say 'Sorry mate, I just ain't like that!' in a joking way, and then keep talking about whatever you were talking about before. It saves face both for you and him - if he does have a crush on you he'll get the hint and not be too humiliated, and if he doesn't then he'll realize that he's a little too close for comfort and he'll back off, and he probably won't mention it again.

Of course, there's always the chance that he simply doesn't realize what he's doing. Like redlemon said there, different cultures have different notions of what constitutes personal space, and what's too close for comfort.

Regziever · 09-30-2003, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by redlemon
Is he from a different country? Different cultures have different "personal space" zones.

No, He's from the same country with the same culture and same stiffnes/rigidity when it comes to respecting other peoples personal space that most native Swedish persons is programmed with

...

krd913 · 09-30-2003, 08:12 AM

Find a girl and bring her to your room when he is around. You can see how he responds is will also let him know you like girls

Regziever · 09-30-2003, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by lurkette
If you're concerned about him coming on to you, wait till it happens and just be honest - sorry, I'm not gay and I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend. Simple - same as you would say with a girl who liked you and in whom you were not interested.

Hmm.. I am afraid that that culmination/turningpoint will come at all.. I want to stop it before it even reaches that point... Both for his part and mine.. I'm not sure how I would react if he did openly come on to me, He's a good friend and I want it to stay that way...

Regziever · 09-30-2003, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Dorito2
Have you already got a girlfriend or a partner? Maybe you could keep mentioning her and talk about her a lot, and he might get the hint.

I'm not in a relationship...
Your other advice is good though.. Thanx..

Regziever · 09-30-2003, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by krd913
Find a girl and bring her to your room when he is around. You can see how he responds is will also let him know you like girls

Good advice but unfortunently i don't live in a dorm.. Thanx anyway...

jbrooks544 · 09-30-2003, 08:49 AM

I would say when he touches you "i'm sorry, - I'm kind of weird about this - nothing to do with you - I am really sensitive about my 'personal space' and it kind of freaks me out when people talk too close or touch me, etc." Make like it is some kind of phobia that you have to everyone in general, and that you are really sorry to have to mention it - but that you are working on it...

Averett · 09-30-2003, 09:11 AM

Thats good sound advice from jbrooks.

absorbentishe · 09-30-2003, 09:22 AM

If you don't want to lose his friendship, then don't make any kind of scene with him, and definatley don't gay bash. If he is making sexual tension, then you should clear the air with him, in a semi private environment. Just be frank, and let him know that you like his friendship, but do not want anything more, and the fact that you like chics shouldn't hurt his feelings too much.

Dano069 · 09-30-2003, 09:27 AM

I agree, Jbrooks advice sounds solid.

SecretMethod70 · 09-30-2003, 09:35 AM

Just be a "guy" around him - talk to him about how attractive some girl is. Mention some ex-girlfriends to him in conversation.

Talk enough about being in relationships with girls and he'll get the clue.

Regziever · 10-06-2003, 07:07 AM

I did as SecretMethod70 suggested, he seemed to take it pretty well.. although he wasn't in school today..

cas305 · 10-06-2003, 10:25 AM

If he is really such a good friend then you should be able to be honest with him on how it makes you feel. If I was doing something that a made a friend of mine uncomfortable then I would want them to be honest with me. Just try to be sensitive with how you confront him, especially if he is a little light in the loafers, as you don't want to offend him.

mmjau · 10-06-2003, 11:22 AM

Hoppas det ordnar sig 8)
(Hope it works out - swedish -> english

jeenyus · 10-06-2003, 02:16 PM

Tell him to fuck off. Maybe that's to much but tell him you need your space. If that doesn't work tell him to meet you in a closet and when he's waiting for you, smash him over the head with a hammer. Ya, that should do it.

forkies · 10-06-2003, 04:17 PM

god, you guys. so many of you seem to have no idea what it's like to be robbed of your sexuality. many of your comments are just plain inappropriate and homophobic.

as for advice: JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM. you have no reservations coming on here and asking for advice from total strangers...if you are truly close to this guy as a friend and value your relationship, it should be possible to talk about it intelligently, honestly, and reasonably.

i'm sure it's a difficult/awkward situation, but try to break down the gender roles you are maintaining. if he is touching you in a way you feel is inappropriate LET HIM KNOW. otherwise, he will probably just continue to do it (whether he is trying to come onto your or not).

take care, and i hope everything works out!

Regziever · 10-07-2003, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by mmjau
Hoppas det ordnar sig 8)
(Hope it works out - swedish -> english

Tack

(I'm assuming people in here can guess what that means.. If not plz PM me and I will translate.. =) )

Regziever · 10-07-2003, 06:40 AM

I tried to make it as sensitive as possible. Going from one subject then just cruising in on one of my ex-gf and that she was really good at this and that witch was connected to the subject.. Just as a simple chitchat comment to keep a conversation alive.

He seems to take it pretty well.. He's still friendly and nice but he has stoped being over-interested..

Thanks for the help everybody!

Regziever · 10-07-2003, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by forkies
as for advice: JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM. you have no reservations coming on here and asking for advice from total strangers...if you are truly close to this guy as a friend and value your relationship, it should be possible to talk about it intelligently, honestly, and reasonably.

take care, and i hope everything works out!

That's the core of the problem, internet gives me anonymity and makes it much easier to ask for advice. If I fu*k it up in rl i have to live with it for the rest of my life.

I did as SecretMethod70 Suggested because it seemed like the most sensible way to handle it without being forced to confront him. He has yet not told me that he is gay but i have a verry strong hunch that he is. But then again I could have been wrong and if I had confronted him (even in a sensitive manner) it would have caused some serious damage to our friendship.
The idea to say something about an old gf was perfect. No risk of trashing our friendship.

Thanks for your advice though.

arcane · 10-09-2003, 01:35 AM

set boundaries man...just happen to mention how hetero you are and how comfortable you are with your decision. if he doesnt get the hint then try something more direct.

09-30-2003, 07:41 AM	#1 (permalink)
Regziever Sexy eh? Location: Sweden	Problem with a classmate... I have a slight problem with one of my classmates.. I think he's comming on to me. He's always tryning to get close to me, I mean real close.. He's always standing inside the half metre (2,5 feet??) circle around me that people usually keep distanced to be able to have a sane conversation. He's always nice and overly interested in what I have to say.. He's always trying to touch me, like keep his hand on my shoulder and my back when we're walking and talking.... I'm not sure but I belive he's either gay or bi.. It's kind of weird since I am not into that stuff.. The problem is that if he is gay and for some unknown reason started to like me how do I give him a hint that I'm not that way?? I don't want to hurt him since he's a good friend and I most definently don't want to make a scene if I'm wrong and he's not gay... I'm pretty lost at this.. Any ideas??? __________________ Life is shit, Death is even worse, So what's the point of killing yourself? /Ignatius Camryn Paladine

09-30-2003, 08:02 AM	#2 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	Is he from a different country? Different cultures have different "personal space" zones. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

09-30-2003, 08:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	If the problem is the contact itself, try just subtly interrupting it - stopping to tie your shoe while you're walking or something, and starting out walking a few feet further away so he can't have his hand on your shoulder. If you're concerned about him coming on to you, wait till it happens and just be honest - sorry, I'm not gay and I'm not interested in you as anything more than a friend. Simple - same as you would say with a girl who liked you and in whom you were not interested. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

09-30-2003, 09:11 AM	#11 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	Thats good sound advice from jbrooks. __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

09-30-2003, 09:27 AM	#13 (permalink)
Dano069 is Nucking Futs! Location: On the edge of sanity	I agree, Jbrooks advice sounds solid. __________________ I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

09-30-2003, 08:10 AM	#4 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	Have you already got a girlfriend or a partner? Maybe you could keep mentioning her and talk about her a lot, and he might get the hint. Or you could just keep moving away from him a foot or two every time he does that, and politely shrug him off when he touches you. I think the best way might be to wait until he touches your back or your shoulder like that and laugh and say 'Sorry mate, I just ain't like that!' in a joking way, and then keep talking about whatever you were talking about before. It saves face both for you and him - if he does have a crush on you he'll get the hint and not be too humiliated, and if he doesn't then he'll realize that he's a little too close for comfort and he'll back off, and he probably won't mention it again. Of course, there's always the chance that he simply doesn't realize what he's doing. Like redlemon said there, different cultures have different notions of what constitutes personal space, and what's too close for comfort.

09-30-2003, 08:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
krd913 Crazy	Find a girl and bring her to your room when he is around. You can see how he responds is will also let him know you like girls

09-30-2003, 08:49 AM	#10 (permalink)
jbrooks544 Addict	I would say when he touches you "i'm sorry, - I'm kind of weird about this - nothing to do with you - I am really sensitive about my 'personal space' and it kind of freaks me out when people talk too close or touch me, etc." Make like it is some kind of phobia that you have to everyone in general, and that you are really sorry to have to mention it - but that you are working on it...

09-30-2003, 09:22 AM	#12 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	If you don't want to lose his friendship, then don't make any kind of scene with him, and definatley don't gay bash. If he is making sexual tension, then you should clear the air with him, in a semi private environment. Just be frank, and let him know that you like his friendship, but do not want anything more, and the fact that you like chics shouldn't hurt his feelings too much.

09-30-2003, 09:35 AM	#14 (permalink)
SecretMethod70 Human Administrator Location: Chicago	Just be a "guy" around him - talk to him about how attractive some girl is. Mention some ex-girlfriends to him in conversation. Talk enough about being in relationships with girls and he'll get the clue. __________________ Le temps détruit tout "Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

10-06-2003, 07:07 AM	#15 (permalink)
Regziever Sexy eh? Location: Sweden	I did as SecretMethod70 suggested, he seemed to take it pretty well.. although he wasn't in school today.. __________________ Life is shit, Death is even worse, So what's the point of killing yourself? /Ignatius Camryn Paladine

10-06-2003, 10:25 AM	#16 (permalink)
cas305 Insane Location: Indiana	If he is really such a good friend then you should be able to be honest with him on how it makes you feel. If I was doing something that a made a friend of mine uncomfortable then I would want them to be honest with me. Just try to be sensitive with how you confront him, especially if he is a little light in the loafers, as you don't want to offend him.

10-06-2003, 11:22 AM	#17 (permalink)
mmjau Upright Location: Sverige	Hoppas det ordnar sig 8) (Hope it works out - swedish -> english

10-06-2003, 02:16 PM	#18 (permalink)
jeenyus Banned	. Tell him to fuck off. Maybe that's to much but tell him you need your space. If that doesn't work tell him to meet you in a closet and when he's waiting for you, smash him over the head with a hammer. Ya, that should do it.

10-06-2003, 04:17 PM	#19 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	god, you guys. so many of you seem to have no idea what it's like to be robbed of your sexuality. many of your comments are just plain inappropriate and homophobic. as for advice: JUST BE HONEST WITH HIM. you have no reservations coming on here and asking for advice from total strangers...if you are truly close to this guy as a friend and value your relationship, it should be possible to talk about it intelligently, honestly, and reasonably. i'm sure it's a difficult/awkward situation, but try to break down the gender roles you are maintaining. if he is touching you in a way you feel is inappropriate LET HIM KNOW. otherwise, he will probably just continue to do it (whether he is trying to come onto your or not). take care, and i hope everything works out!

10-07-2003, 06:40 AM	#21 (permalink)
Regziever Sexy eh? Location: Sweden	I tried to make it as sensitive as possible. Going from one subject then just cruising in on one of my ex-gf and that she was really good at this and that witch was connected to the subject.. Just as a simple chitchat comment to keep a conversation alive. He seems to take it pretty well.. He's still friendly and nice but he has stoped being over-interested.. Thanks for the help everybody! __________________ Life is shit, Death is even worse, So what's the point of killing yourself? /Ignatius Camryn Paladine

10-09-2003, 01:35 AM	#23 (permalink)
arcane Insane Location: SLC, UT	set boundaries man...just happen to mention how hetero you are and how comfortable you are with your decision. if he doesnt get the hint then try something more direct. __________________ <Arcane> so if you banged 2000 chicks then at least one had a pen0r?