Jim Kata

Sort of long, so turn back now if you don't want to waste your time.
So here is the situation. I need some advice. I love my girlfriend and plan on having the 2.5 kids and a white pickett fence and a lifetime of debt with her....but the problem is...she is putting on the pounds. She isn't HUGE, but she is a bit more than meaty. She used to be thin but recently it seems that she is getting bigger and bigger.
I know I'm not in the best of shape but I am willing to shed my belly and work on a better phisique if she is willing to as well (actually even if she isn't). But how do I tell her that without crushing her? I know it sounds shallow, but you know what...fuck it..I guess I am. I've always told her (since we started dating) that I don't want to be THAT couple with the fat girl and skinny guy (or vice versa).
I'm not asking her to be kate moss thin, but she could stand to drop 20-25 pounds. How do I put it to her delicately?
She is constantly munching on things and now that she is 21, started drinking beer on a regular basis which makes me more nervous about her weight.
I would offer going to a gym with her, but our schedules are so different (me working 2 jobs and going to school and her JUST going to school 2 days a week and 1 class for 1 hour on another 2 days), that I don't think it can be done.
Her friend started trying to get her to go to the gym with her during school and she was all excited about it, but that lasted one week.
When she was thin and asked if she was fat I would tell her no, and even if she was I couldn't tell her. But I would start saying that WE should go jogging or something if need be.
Well...recently I have been telling her that we need to do some physical activities but I'm getting no response.
Please give me some advice. I honestly see myself with her fat or not fat, but she is only 21 so that leaves plenty of more time for plenty of more weight. I can understand when she is like 35 or has some kids putting on a lot of weight and I am ready for that...but she is too young for it now.
PUH LEEEZE give me some advice.
Thanks in Advance.

Leviathan[NCV]

Well man, I think maybe part of the problem is she JUST goes to school 2 days a week. Leaves too much time to get bored, and eat. Have her get a job, preferably one with some physical activity, sitting at a desk all day won't help much, but possibly some.
Other than that if she's not responding to hints, you may just have to put it a bit more blatently.
If you want her to change your eating habits, you'd better change your own as well, and start heading to the gym.

I'm brutal when it comes to honesty, so take this carefully.

Dunta

Find an activity that you both can do together such as playing Tennis, Walking, etc.... She is only going to get motivated if you get motivated with her.

vveronica

Well from a girls view,, She may be bored yes, but there may be other problems. Lots of times when we are unhappy we eat, hense the label of 'comfort food'. I dont know how your relationship is but, you might want to look at that. You said "Now that she is 21" which leads me to think you and her married young. I dont know how it is in Northern Virginia, but she may be feeling she is missing something in life. If her friends are still single and she is home it could lead her to being unhappy.

Most important of all you have to talk about it. I love the idea "MAKE her get a job." Better idea is a tact of focussing on a home or a larger home or newer. the hawaii trip all think to get her to focus on something other than her unhappiness.

I know it all gets to her unhappiness. I know Im only 90# but, every friend i have that is gaining weight is unhappy about something.

If you want to talk more message me

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yournamehere

My Dad always said I'm one of those people that needs to be hit over the head in order to get their attention. Sounds like your girfriend is the same - your hints are going in one ear and out the other - you need to sit her down and explain your feelings to her. Give her a reality check. Tell her that you're worried about her health if the weight gain continues - whatever it takes - but make her aware that you have noticed the difference in her looks. Be kind; be gentle - but be specific.

You're right about the age thing - if she's 25 lbs overwight at 21, by 35 she'll be huge. If she doesn't change her eating/exercise habits soon, she'll be fat forever. You <i>both</i> need to understand that.

Good luck

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lurkette

Ack! Don't sit down and say the equivalent of "honey, I don't know how to say this, but you're packing on the pounds and I'm concerned." That's a one-way ticket to....somewhere bad. I'm all for honest communication in a relationship but there's a line you generally don't cross unless she has an iron-clad self-image, which most women do not.

Here's what you do - you said you're willing to work on your physique if she is, and you have the right idea when you talk about both of you going jogging or something...make this about you. Sit down and say, you know, I've been thinking about losing some weight, starting to exercise and change my diet, but I'm not sure I could do it by myself. Will you do it with me, and that way we can support each other and both be healthier? You don't have to go to the gym at the same time - just agree to embark on this process together, or join weight watchers together, or something. Say if you lose 40 lbs together you'll go on a fabulous vacation. Anything to not make it (only) about her. She'll probably get the hint (probably already has if you've been suggesting that she do more physical activities.) I think this is the ONLY chance you have (that I can think of) of suggesting that she lose some weight without actually telling her she's getting fat and you don't like it. If this fails, you might have to be blunt, but you'll also have to accept the consequences.

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Averett

lurkette hit the nail on the head. Couldn't have said it better myself.

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junglistic

I havent read to much of the above posts, but this is my take on the situation. Be very aware of what you say and how you say it. You being a extremely intricate part of her life with have a profound effect on her now and for the years to come. Hinting she is fat and becoming less attractive to you could send her self esteem down the drain in a second. When you say something that herts her it she isnt going to just forget it, it will take along time and alot of work for you to regain her trust. And for her once again to know you think she is beautiful.

My suggestion is, start becoming more active yourself. Show her how much you enjoy it.

Thraeryn

lurkette is sneaky.

Your name suggests at least a passing interest in martial arts. Tell her you're really interested in starting some sort of class, but again that you don't know if you could do it alone, and that you'd want to have a sparring partner, etc. Not only would you both become more fit, not only would you both learn a defensive art, but it'd also teach a little more self-control and maybe she'd stop drinking so much beer (or, as I affectionately refer to it, "a yeasty meal in a bottle".)

Good luck.

Jim Kata

Thanks for all the advice.
Right now it looks like I'm gonna get myself in shape (which I slowly have been trying to do for the past month) and ask her to join.

I also will take the "I can't do it by myself" route.
Much appreciated.

If she starts to get some excercise I might be able to stop hiding the food from her again.........Just Kidding...............I'll still hide it from her.

p.s. Its not like she is a fat slob or anything. She is just a bit too chubby and I'm worried that it will get worse before its too late.

p.s.s Sort of off subject. The unhappy thing may be true vveronica (but I hope it isn't).... but god damn you women, when us men ask if something is wrong...please tell us...if you keep saying "nothing" and something actually is...than we just accept the "nothing" answer just to avoid the headache of trying to get it out of you.

p.s.s.s Thanks again

Averett

Here's an idea... Don't buy shitty junk food. If it's not around, she won't eat it.

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Jim Kata

Well....She brings over shitty junk food, I have been eating pretty healthy for the past month or so....and what am I supposed to say "Hey don't bring that here, you're getting fat!". I can't do that. She does, however leave it at my house so when cleaning, I sometimes "accidentally" throw it away. Great, now I'm starting to feel like a dick towards her.

SabrinaFair

My junior year of high school, I packed on a few pounds...OK, a lot of pounds. I gained this weight unbeknownest to me....like, I didn't realise I had gotten chubby until after the fact. It's possible that's what happened to your lady fair. I *did* shed the weight through diet, exercise, and a good support system of friends.

Broach the subject carefully...also, make it a "we need to eat well/exercise to be HEALTHY" thing instead of a "we must lose weight" kind of vibe. I absolutely love my daily (Monday thru Friday) workouts. It's "me" time. And while I'm still far from the "ideal" body type (I'm still a size 12) I feel the healthiest I ever have in my life. Work out to stay healthy, and the pounds will come off by themselves.

Also, I totally agree with Averett's suggestion to not buy junk food. If it's not there, you can't eat it.

Well...that's about all I can think of. Good luck.

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Averett

I agree with that too... Of course, we've never seen her. 25lbs might be nothing at all. Or maybe it shows a lot. Still, if you love her, her extra poundage shouldnt matter at all.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Jim Kata

and....

I still love her and plan on getting old with her and always will. Even if she is as thin as Calista Flockheart or as fat as Louie Anderson.

And if she does come with that bottle of Rogaine, I'll gladly take it and use it. I do WHATEVER she asks to keep/make her happy. And wanting her to shed some pounds isn't too much for me to ask for since all I have ever wanted from her is her love and respect to the end.

edit: Oh yeah.....love, respect, and sex. Lots of all three.

skysooner

Exercise and proper diet is something that isn't always obvious to people. I never had to work to keep thin for years. When I hit 30, I started to put on weight. I was up to 239 at the beginning of this year (5'10") which was considered obese. My wife was around 20 lbs overweight 2 years ago when she went on Weight Watchers and started jogging. She lost that weight and has held it off for 18 months now. Even seeing her look fit didn't motivate me. About 2 months ago, I finally got fed up with looking the way I did. I stopped drinking regular cokes. I haven't been to a fast food restaurant in almost 2 months either. I started a mild cardio workout which led to a heavier cardio workout. Since mid-June, I am down 32 lbs. My wife and I now discuss working out, proper diet, we exercise together when convenient. A large part of the reason I have been successful so far has been her inspiration. Lead and she may follow. Weight is a touchy subject with most people, so sometimes the best thing that is said is the thing that is left unsaid and shown through example.

tritium

Sounds like she's eating as a function of something related to unhappiness. Maybe you need to talk about what's bothering her rather than whine about her "meatiness."

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Jim Kata

I will just have quote myself again.

jbrooks544

Exercise is great and all, but it is the eating and drinking part that needs to be controlled. You can jog for an hour and it burns off something like 12.5 potato chips. It is great to do, but not the real answer. I would tell her "hey hon, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think it is important for me to mention that I am concerned about you putting on weight. I have always been attracted to you physically and I don't want to lose that." Honesty. The best answer that I have seen work many, many times is to join "WEIGHT WATCHERS". It isn't some stupid - eat only brussels sprouts and as much animal flesh as you can until your kidneys shut down - diet. It is a way of learning how to eat sensibly for life.

My favorite is my own patent pending diet plan - the N.E.A.D.L.A diet (pronounced needla). It stands for "Not Eating And Drinking Like and Asshole". It works for many.

Averett

Woah. That'd get a smack upside your head I think. There are better ways to say it than that. If some guy said that to me, why in the hell would I want to stay with him? I'm not a Barbie doll. My body changes, as does yours. If you're only with me because of my body, don't bother.

Not trying to come down on you, just sayin that was an incredibly harsh way to put it.

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nowthen

Godammit Forks is spot on. I know we are all supposed to be fully functioning adults by 15 these days, but she is only 21 for crying out loud! She is still growing and maturing! It is entirely possible her body is just assuming its natural state after puberty.

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meff

*sigh* why not accept her as what she is, and look at her heart instead of her body.

ok ok, I know I am a little too lovey-dovey

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motdakasha

The message I got from Jim Kata's original message seems to be different from everyone else's. In his message, I heard a concern for her health and well being in the present and future, not that he thought she was uglier which some people suggested. I think the whole team effort is a good idea, but I would definitely add diet to the regime. Don't tell her you're worried about her weight, tell her you're worried about her health. Weight and health tend to have a strong correlation, but talking to her about her health is much more tactful and I think it shows you care.

If she agrees to work on health with you as a team, that's when I'd ask her to try cutting down on snacks. Throwing out her snacks is indirect and kind of underhanded. Try making a deal with her: you'll provide her with healthier snacks if she promises not to bring unhealthy ones to your place. Depending on the kind of diet you guys go with, these snacks could be things like fresh fruits with yogurt or even a cold pasta (without too much oil or dressing). Or if you want to stick with mainly an exercise theme, ask her to exercise X-amount per every unhealthy snack so she "works it off." It might help her relate junk foods with being unhealthy if she is reminded of how much exercise she needs to do to break even with the calorie intake and burning. The exercise will need to be done within the next few hours after the snack for it to actually be worked off, otherwise it is just stored away into the body and it becomes much more difficult.
Definitely make her aware of how highly caloric alcohol is. There are plenty of websites on it, try googling "alcohol calorie." Here is one website that I think may be useful: http://www.collegedrinkingprevention...coholcalc.aspx

And if you think she is unhappy, ask her. Warn her you're not a mind reader and if she's not being upfront about it, you'll never know the truth. If she has a problem it might just build up until it becomes irrepairable or hard to resolve. It's easier to deal with small problems instead of small problems that turned into bigger ones. Most people realize after it's too late that it's always much easier to talk about them before you explode.

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