Starting a three way relationship. How to find the right person?
 

My wife and I have been together 6 years, and she wants to start a three way relationship. I'm okay with that but how do you find the right person? She has somebody in mind, but the guy she's interested in is not really my type. We don't have much in to bond with. So she wants to still be friends with him, but I feel uncomfirtaqble with her around him knowing he wants her sexually. I know she loves me and wouldn't do anything to intentionally mess what we have, but I have a hard time trusting her around him. Should I tell her I don't want her to see him anymore? Or try and get along with him even though we don't have common ground to bond on?

Before you go any further, HUGE RED FLAG WARNING.

Trust is gonna be key here. If you can't trust her when the temptation is already right there, you are doomed before you even begin.


Have you really laid out your ground rules? Is this a case by case thing as an individual comes into your life, or are you actively seeking someone out?

Answering this questions for yourself will give you an indication of what in fact you are actually looking for. You can't find someone if you don't know what it is you are actually trying to find.

NOOOOOOO!!!!
 

Never EVER enter into this unless BOTH parties are happy... If you are having doubts then its a no no ...end of... In order to make something like this happen you BOTH have to be 100% comfortable... me and Wifey swing. However there is NO WAY ..I WOULD GO WITH A FEM. if wifey was unhappy and like wise on her side ... DO NOT DO IT IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS .........about ANYTHING !!!!

Try to find a local polyamory group. They're becomiong quite common today. That might be a good place to start.

http://i.imgur.com/rlRe1.gifDo not bring partners into relationships who you are not comfortable with!http://i.imgur.com/rlRe1.gif

Okay, amigo, it's lesson time from someone who has been there and is still there.

I don't post here as often as I once did (I haven't been cheating on TFP with Reddit--it's a three-way relationship!) so my credentials in this conversation may be a bit stale. I've been married to one woman for 16 years. The other has lived with us for 4 and change. We're one of two poly triads I know of who are active (for some definition of the term) on TFP.

Here's the thing about where you are. You don't HAVE to let anything happen. You CAN pull the brakes and stop the whole thing. You absolutely can, you have that power and that right, and it's not a problem in the slightest to exercise them.

Ultimately, though, what you're going to have to deal with to be a functioning poly person is that the mistrust is YOURS and yours alone. And you don't HAVE to deal with it, but your choice is either deal with it and possibly be successfully polyamorous, or not deal with it and have no shot at that.

A good analogy: Let's say your refrigerator dies. One response to that is to say, "Well, I guess I can just never have cold food in my house anymore." Another is to dig into the fridge, figure out what's going on with it, and restore it to working order. This is like that. Your fridge is broken. And you don't HAVE to do anything about that, but if you don't, you don't get milk and cold cuts anymore.

You soooooooo absolutely need to be 100% comfortable with the "other" person. You need to talk with her and lay out ground rules. One of mine is no kissing. Everything else is fine but kissing is emotional and I don't want my man or the other girl to get emotional over each other.
If you decide you do want to try it with the other person, then you also need to lay out ground rules with them. All 3 of you must talk openly about it and lay them out and stick to them. I also said, no texting and no phone calls. This is sex and fun only!
Laying out the rules is a must! Trust is numero uno between all parties. If they cross the line... Game over!

what... you mean like two guys and one girl? What kind of a threesome is that????

I wouldnt be happy with that at all. I dont see how it can work.

Two women and a man is allright (although I think there is still a lot of scope for jealousy and hurt feelings)

But men are by nature competitive and aggressive (if not physically then in thought). If two men have to share one woman they will always be competing as to who gives her the best shag, who she likes better, who would win in a fight, etc etc etc.

I dont mean to be overly negative, but I think you need to think very carefully before getting into something like that willingly.

I think it would be awesome but strickly from a woman's point of view!

As someone who is currently in that exact situation, I must disagree. All three should get along for this to work, regardless of gender.

I will admit that when all parties are involved together, things are easier, but that is not a requirement at all.

It's a real curiosity to me how any 3 way relationship can work for people. ( as in two guys one girl.) To me it confirms that we all really can have completely different wires in our emotional department and there are actually shoes out there i'd never be able to step into as much as i try!

Exactly this. I've been in a polyamorous triad for over ten years now (don't think I'm in ratbastid's census, though) and my first thought when I read your post was that you need to realize you are BOTH getting in a relationship with this person. If you're not both comfortable with what's going on, things need to slow down, and more communication needs to take place.

Just like i posted in another thread :D
My advice is the same here, You need to talk about it with your wife . Nothing gonna happen if you tell her what you want and what you think about the guy. But be polite dont lose your self on anger.

It seems to me, as an outsider that it is essential that not just A <--> B <--> C, but that A <--> C as well.

In Rat, and Smrt's cases those things are true, and things have the potential to work.

As a general rule, I would suggest "Never let your partner fuck a person you wouldn't want to be stuck in a lift with".