Orgasm Help... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Will_Negates · 07-15-2003, 11:35 AM

Well to make a long story short my girlfriend has never had an orgasm, not even when she is pleasuring herself. Now, I used to be able to get my ex-girlfriend off but I am getting frustrated and discouraged because I can't get my new one to climax. I want her to feel as good as I do in bed, so is there anything I can do to help her climax? I have only had sex with two people so maybe I'm not doing something right. Any help is much appreciated.

Jim Kata · 07-15-2003, 11:39 AM

I wouldn't show her you are getting frustrated and discouraged..that may decrease the chances of her feeling comfortable enough to have the big O.
Try a vibrator. The first time my woman had one was when she used one on her clit. Sometimes fingers, cock, tongue, aren't enough, no matter who they belong too. But you need a woman's advice on this one. So ladies.....

illdeviant · 07-15-2003, 11:52 AM

ask her what she likes. experiment. try different variations. it's all about communication.

07-15-2003, 01:53 PM

how old is your girlfriend? anorgasmia can have both physiological and pyschological causes. Many women (including my girlfriend) have had problems with this and have found they can have their first orgasm with a vibrator. Once they're able to have their first, they can ususally find different ways of achieving orgasm. It's possible that she may need to see a sex therapist to overcome the issue.

I'm getting long winded but here is the last question. Is this more of a problem for you, or her? If she's actually satisfied and you're making a big deal out of it, you could be causing more harm.

Best of luck!

isandro · 07-15-2003, 02:12 PM

for one, climaxing is not nessecarily THE most enjoyable part of having sex, IMHO. That being said, it should ofcourse be an option

so what's going on, are you both stressed about it? does she feel bad about not being able to cum?

If even she cannot bring herself to orgasm, don't expect to be doing much better. I've never heard of someone being able to climax by someone else but not on his or her own.

Dnz · 07-15-2003, 02:17 PM

Talk with her. If she cant do it herself, then how are you supposed to?

Will_Negates · 07-15-2003, 03:05 PM

Thanks for the help you guys! I don't think she really cares much about having an orgasm or not. Actually, I am probably more concerned with it than she is (i think it's a guy thing) and no I havn't made a big deal out of it with her. The last thing I want to do is stress her out. I know she was sexually assaulted in the past and I was actually the first person she told. Could she not be orgasming because of this? I really hope it's not that because that sounds like a worst case scenario sort of thing. I really would rather not talk about that with her. Even though I'm one of the most gentle and understanding people on this planet, I still think she is extremely embarassed and uncomfortable talking about it to me. Should I try other measures before I talk to her about that, like the vibrator?

lurkette · 07-15-2003, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Will_Negates
I know she was sexually assaulted in the past and I was actually the first person she told. Could she not be orgasming because of this?

Whoa. Sounds like a prime candidate to me. Has she talked to someone about this, besides you, like professionally? This would probably be a good place to start!

Also, not to get preachy, but if you're not comfortable talking to her about this (the assault thing), are you sure you should be having sex with her?

Donkeypuncher · 07-15-2003, 03:31 PM

Yeah; I'm with lurkette - sounds like a very high likelihood that you already know what's causing this and she probably should speak to a professional about it, if that hasn't already happened. Sounds like it hasn't, though.

In the meantime, don't put any weight on her [lack of] orgasms and just have fun. It may take years for her to come to grips with it, but trust me... you'll want to be around when she does.

Oh and... worst-case scenario? Don't make it so big and scary. We all bring baggage to relationships - at least you know what hers is and that makes it infinitely easier to deal with than mystery hang-ups.

Will_Negates · 07-15-2003, 04:08 PM

Yeah, you're probably right. I have never asked her though if she was able to orgasm before the incident. Oh and by "worst case scenario" I meant I hoped it wasnt it because I didnt want her to go through anymore bullshit than she already has. I just wish it never happened. How should I go about telling her the idea of maybe getting a therapist? She has been to one in the past but it was before she told anyone what happened, her mom sent her to one because she was depressed and never told the doctor what happened. Would a regular therapist solve this problem or is she going to have to go to a sex shrink? I'm not familiar with this area at all, if you couldnt tell already. Anyway thanks for the advice.

ratbastid · 07-15-2003, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Will_Negates
I just wish it never happened.

Denial won't help, but therapy might. Somebody who specializes in victims' trauma and PTSD might be a good place to start.

Donkeypuncher · 07-15-2003, 04:37 PM

Quote:

I just wish it never happened.

I completely understand that feeling. One of the more significant relationships in my past... the first time we slept together, she began crying uncontrollably afterwards and eventually said it had been a long time since anyone had been that nice to her. I'm thinking... "huh??" The last guy she'd been with had done things like slip into a bedroom with her at a party (she thought, to have sex with her)... tie her to the bed, then had his friends all come in and fuck her. You wanna talk about issues?

But you can't make those things un-happen. You decide if it's something you want to deal with and if so, just forge ahead and roll with the punches. Be understanding, don't press those borders too hard and help her when she asks for help. It may take her a long time to be in a place where she's ready to be helped with it and you can't have control over that. As always... communicate as much as possible. The next time it comes up in conversation, ask her about seeing someone to talk about it; ask her if she's given it any more thought.

Drider_it · 07-15-2003, 05:33 PM

well dude .. i have a friend in your position.. he's been married for 10 years.. and his wife still hasnt had and orgasim yet.. same instance with her...

its thus for them.. (he gave me permission to post) ..

he does anything besides oral they are fine.. but when hands and mouthes start she has a flashback...

could be her problem too.. dude.. you need to get her to seek some help.. if she hasnt.. if you care about her you should.. no one should go though live alone with what happened to them.. if she says she dosent know tell her you could go several cities over and get help that way no one in town will know.. do what you have to though.. just IMO

frankx · 07-17-2003, 11:43 AM

I had a girlfriend who had been previously married to an abusive dick who used to hold her down by the throat when they had sex. Sort of a "wham-bam thank you whore" sort of abusive relationship. The first time we made love she said that she had never had an orgasm and she also wasn't wild about the idea of sex, because she had never been with a man who was gentle and kind during the act. I was very patient and gentle and eventually, after weeks of work and understanding on both our parts, I was lucky enough to be able to give her her first orgasm (with a little help from Mr. Silver Bullet). I learned a lot about myself, too. Suddenly, I really didn't care as much about my own pleasure and getting off. My goal was just to give her that pleasure. We parted ways some time ago, but I am glad to have been able to give that to her. She is now married to a wonderful, kind man, and they have a very healthy relationship.

Not all women are as lucky, however. Psychological and physical abuse, especially the sexual kind, can wreak havoc on what would otherwise be a normal, healthy sex life.

The best thing at this point is communication. Showing frustration or aggravation at this point would not be helpful at all. If anything, it will make her close up more, feel worse, and possibly sever your physical relationship. If she is able to talk through the problem with you, someone she knows, loves and trusts, maybe she will be lucky enough to make a breakthrough.

If all else fails, then maybe it would be a good thing for her to speak to a professional about her problem. Perhaps there is some sort of medical (not necessarily psychological) reason why she cannot climax. In any case, it is important for her to know that you love her and are there for the long haul and are willing to do whatever it takes to help her. That's what relationships are truly all about.

intecel · 07-17-2003, 01:18 PM

If she is completely sure that her history is not the reason, you should go down to the local sex shop (or internet) and buy something called 'cleopatra's secret creme'... I have never had a problem getting a girl off without it, but it's usually about 10 times quicker with this stuff (neighbors hate me now).

Another thing you may want to try is to bring her to the local sex shop and ask someone working there about the problem... They usually have heard all kinds of stories of what works and what doesn't, and what works best in these situations...

Just an idea

cheerios · 07-17-2003, 02:24 PM

Will:

about getting her some professional help: offer to go with her? I know therapists in general scare the bejesus out of me... a strong shoulder, and the assurance that there's nothing wrong with her, she's not crazy, we're just gonna talk w/ someone who can help work through these problems better tahn you can, can do a world of difference. I'd emphasise the fact you are worried for her well being, and just want to see she gets all the help she needs in dealing with her assault. Good luck to both of you.

07-15-2003, 11:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
Will_Negates Upright	Orgasm Help... Well to make a long story short my girlfriend has never had an orgasm, not even when she is pleasuring herself. Now, I used to be able to get my ex-girlfriend off but I am getting frustrated and discouraged because I can't get my new one to climax. I want her to feel as good as I do in bed, so is there anything I can do to help her climax? I have only had sex with two people so maybe I'm not doing something right. Any help is much appreciated.

07-15-2003, 02:12 PM	#5 (permalink)
isandro Crazy Location: Groningen, Netherlands	for one, climaxing is not nessecarily THE most enjoyable part of having sex, IMHO. That being said, it should ofcourse be an option so what's going on, are you both stressed about it? does she feel bad about not being able to cum? If even she cannot bring herself to orgasm, don't expect to be doing much better. I've never heard of someone being able to climax by someone else but not on his or her own. __________________ -Life, liberty and the pursuit of hamburgers.

07-15-2003, 03:31 PM	#9 (permalink)
Donkeypuncher Psycho Location: Pasadena, CA	Yeah; I'm with lurkette - sounds like a very high likelihood that you already know what's causing this and she probably should speak to a professional about it, if that hasn't already happened. Sounds like it hasn't, though. In the meantime, don't put any weight on her [lack of] orgasms and just have fun. It may take years for her to come to grips with it, but trust me... you'll want to be around when she does. Oh and... worst-case scenario? Don't make it so big and scary. We all bring baggage to relationships - at least you know what hers is and that makes it infinitely easier to deal with than mystery hang-ups. __________________ "take me down, little Susie, take me down I know you think you're the Queen of The Underground"

07-15-2003, 05:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
Drider_it Junkie Location: Louisiana	well dude .. i have a friend in your position.. he's been married for 10 years.. and his wife still hasnt had and orgasim yet.. same instance with her... its thus for them.. (he gave me permission to post) .. he does anything besides oral they are fine.. but when hands and mouthes start she has a flashback... could be her problem too.. dude.. you need to get her to seek some help.. if she hasnt.. if you care about her you should.. no one should go though live alone with what happened to them.. if she says she dosent know tell her you could go several cities over and get help that way no one in town will know.. do what you have to though.. just IMO __________________ It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.

07-17-2003, 11:43 AM	#14 (permalink)
frankx Psycho Location: The Tip of the Boot	I had a girlfriend who had been previously married to an abusive dick who used to hold her down by the throat when they had sex. Sort of a "wham-bam thank you whore" sort of abusive relationship. The first time we made love she said that she had never had an orgasm and she also wasn't wild about the idea of sex, because she had never been with a man who was gentle and kind during the act. I was very patient and gentle and eventually, after weeks of work and understanding on both our parts, I was lucky enough to be able to give her her first orgasm (with a little help from Mr. Silver Bullet). I learned a lot about myself, too. Suddenly, I really didn't care as much about my own pleasure and getting off. My goal was just to give her that pleasure. We parted ways some time ago, but I am glad to have been able to give that to her. She is now married to a wonderful, kind man, and they have a very healthy relationship. Not all women are as lucky, however. Psychological and physical abuse, especially the sexual kind, can wreak havoc on what would otherwise be a normal, healthy sex life. The best thing at this point is communication. Showing frustration or aggravation at this point would not be helpful at all. If anything, it will make her close up more, feel worse, and possibly sever your physical relationship. If she is able to talk through the problem with you, someone she knows, loves and trusts, maybe she will be lucky enough to make a breakthrough. If all else fails, then maybe it would be a good thing for her to speak to a professional about her problem. Perhaps there is some sort of medical (not necessarily psychological) reason why she cannot climax. In any case, it is important for her to know that you love her and are there for the long haul and are willing to do whatever it takes to help her. That's what relationships are truly all about. __________________ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

07-15-2003, 11:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
Jim Kata Swollen Member Location: Northern VA	I wouldn't show her you are getting frustrated and discouraged..that may decrease the chances of her feeling comfortable enough to have the big O. Try a vibrator. The first time my woman had one was when she used one on her clit. Sometimes fingers, cock, tongue, aren't enough, no matter who they belong too. But you need a woman's advice on this one. So ladies.....

07-15-2003, 11:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
illdeviant Crazy Location: Lawn Guyland	ask her what she likes. experiment. try different variations. it's all about communication.

07-15-2003, 01:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
smithja0423 Guest	how old is your girlfriend? anorgasmia can have both physiological and pyschological causes. Many women (including my girlfriend) have had problems with this and have found they can have their first orgasm with a vibrator. Once they're able to have their first, they can ususally find different ways of achieving orgasm. It's possible that she may need to see a sex therapist to overcome the issue. I'm getting long winded but here is the last question. Is this more of a problem for you, or her? If she's actually satisfied and you're making a big deal out of it, you could be causing more harm. Best of luck!

07-15-2003, 02:17 PM	#6 (permalink)
Dnz Tilted	Talk with her. If she cant do it herself, then how are you supposed to?

07-15-2003, 03:05 PM	#7 (permalink)
Will_Negates Upright	Thanks for the help you guys! I don't think she really cares much about having an orgasm or not. Actually, I am probably more concerned with it than she is (i think it's a guy thing) and no I havn't made a big deal out of it with her. The last thing I want to do is stress her out. I know she was sexually assaulted in the past and I was actually the first person she told. Could she not be orgasming because of this? I really hope it's not that because that sounds like a worst case scenario sort of thing. I really would rather not talk about that with her. Even though I'm one of the most gentle and understanding people on this planet, I still think she is extremely embarassed and uncomfortable talking about it to me. Should I try other measures before I talk to her about that, like the vibrator?

07-15-2003, 04:08 PM	#10 (permalink)
Will_Negates Upright	Yeah, you're probably right. I have never asked her though if she was able to orgasm before the incident. Oh and by "worst case scenario" I meant I hoped it wasnt it because I didnt want her to go through anymore bullshit than she already has. I just wish it never happened. How should I go about telling her the idea of maybe getting a therapist? She has been to one in the past but it was before she told anyone what happened, her mom sent her to one because she was depressed and never told the doctor what happened. Would a regular therapist solve this problem or is she going to have to go to a sex shrink? I'm not familiar with this area at all, if you couldnt tell already. Anyway thanks for the advice.

07-17-2003, 01:18 PM	#15 (permalink)
intecel Psycho	If she is completely sure that her history is not the reason, you should go down to the local sex shop (or internet) and buy something called 'cleopatra's secret creme'... I have never had a problem getting a girl off without it, but it's usually about 10 times quicker with this stuff (neighbors hate me now). Another thing you may want to try is to bring her to the local sex shop and ask someone working there about the problem... They usually have heard all kinds of stories of what works and what doesn't, and what works best in these situations... Just an idea

07-17-2003, 02:24 PM	#16 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	Will: about getting her some professional help: offer to go with her? I know therapists in general scare the bejesus out of me... a strong shoulder, and the assurance that there's nothing wrong with her, she's not crazy, we're just gonna talk w/ someone who can help work through these problems better tahn you can, can do a world of difference. I'd emphasise the fact you are worried for her well being, and just want to see she gets all the help she needs in dealing with her assault. Good luck to both of you.