Is There Still Sex After 55?
 

My wife is 56 and still stunning. I've seen her turn the heads of guys half her age. During our years of marriage I would be hard put to hallucinate a sex act or sexual activity we didn't engage in multiple times. We kept trying to outdo our imaginations.

However, over the course of the last year and a half our sex has dropped off to zero and I mean nothing. My wife is healthy, physically active, not depressed and can still pass for 35. When I ask her what the problem is she says that we've run out of sex acts. I asked her if that was code for "I want a divorce" and she said absolutely not and hugged me like I was disappearing for the last time.

Finally, I asked if she would mind if I looked up some of the women we used to group with to see if they might be interested in a quick roll in the hay with no intention of divorce. She is adamantly opposed to that.

So, what's a guy to do? We went from 25 years of kink to monasticism in 18 months and she wants both of us to simply give up sex altogether. I would appreciate any thoughts on this.

Is she going through menopause? That has the ability to severely affect her hormones and sex drives, though how much varies from woman to woman.

You have a sex drive, it's part of being human. If you can't have the sex you want with your wife, your choices are either to be miserable or to have it with someone else. Dan Savage gave some advice to a guy in a similar but not quite so dire situation in podcast 219, it was either the last caller or the second-to-last.

amonkie
 

Thanks for the response. I should have mentioned the subject of menopause. She began it when she was 48 or 49. If anything, it was her most sexually deviant time. Even on hormones she was almost sexually manic and that's saying something for her. Her gynecologist took off the hormones a couple years ago (?) and she seemed fine for a while.

---------- Post added at 05:07 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:58 PM ----------

Thanks, but in spite of all the sexual activities we engaged in with other people it was always open and above board. It looks like misery may be on the horizon.

Well, I'm only 35, but wanted to drop you a note saying I wish you both the best. I'm in a similar situation right now and it's extremely stressful for the both of us. I hope things balance out soon. :)

So, your wife has lost her sex drive and she expects you to forgo yours? That's not very nice. I find your post somewhat distressing because I don't want to end up in a situation where my sex drive dries up, or my partner's sex drive dries up. Not good.

A couple of things come to mind.

1. Do you think she could be having an affair? Usually one of the dead give-aways to an affair are sudden changes in behaviour. As much as you might poo-poo the idea of your wife having an affair, I can assure you that it is more common than uncommon. You know the old expression, "I was the last to know." Doing a little detective work may be required.

2. There is something medical going on. Upstairs or down.


You need to discuss your frustration with your wife and tell her that although her sex drive has vanished, yours has not and it's not reasonable or fair for her to expect you to give it up.

If the problem persists and sex is very important to you, well, you then have to make some decisions.

1. Is sex important to you? So important that you can not fathom giving it up? If your answer is you could give it up - problem solved. However, if you can't give it up......

1. Split up. As impossible as this might seem, you need to consider the possibility.

2. Subcontract out that portion of the work. (If you want to stay married, I would recommend the services of a professional and keeping it to yourself - depending on where you live of course.) Discrete subcontracting out of that portion of the work allows you the release you need and keeps your marriage intact. Oh, I'm sure that there are those here who will jump all over me, but I'm just being realistic and being realistic can be a bitch sometimes.

I think you should see a marriage counselor to find out what's behind her reluctance to be intimate with you. Complete changes like that can be a sign of other problems, perhaps something medical. I don't want to worry you, I just think you should get professional help, and I don't mean the kind that James_T refers to...