purplelirpa

So that I don't botch this effort anymore than I already have, I'm turning to the interwebz for help.

I'm curious about how to teach a sexually repressed, inexperienced, shy guy to be more uninhibited and passionate about sex. When I say inexperienced, he has the whole physical act of fucking down, there have been multiple times when I've had sustained 10-minute long orgasms. But when I ask him to do something like talk dirty to me, or I start trying to pull him on the bed and entice him to have sex with me, he feels pressured and shuts down or gets annoyed. If something else like cuddling leads into sex, he's okay with that, but no scenarios where anything is expected of him.

I've always really preferred guys who know what they're doing and who are very confident about it. This has left me at a disadvantage because I don't know how to initiate very well. I'm really attracted to him, and really want to touch him all the time, but he just isn't responding the way that I would like.

Is there anything I should be doing to get him to open up more without making him feel pressured? I ask him about his fantasies and he says he doesn't have any. I ask him what he'd like to do to me, and he says just sex. He's claiming his catholic upbringing really messed things up for him sexually, and I'm curious if that's just an excuse, especially since he's an atheist now, who has rejected catholicism for the past 10 years.

Any ideas?

Anonymous Member

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but he might just be not that in to you. Maybe I'm wrong.

Cimarron29414

purplelirpa,

Welcome to being a guy. When you come up with the answer, let us guys know. We'd love to use the advice on our ladies.

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purplelirpa

That's not the case at all. That is one thing that's not in question, luckily.

jadangel

Will he watch porn with you? If he will then maybe you could suggest acting out some of the senarios that you like.....I've been with inexperienced men before and they all were more than eager to learn new things......You could get really descriptive about the things you like to do and the things that you would like to do to him. That way he knows exactly what to expect and there won't be any surprises that might catch him off gaurd......

I think you just might have to go really slow with this guy and introduce one new thing at a time and when he is comfortable with that then introduce another new thing. Could be slow going, but if you think he worth it then you won't mind being patient with him.

purplelirpa

I'll include some details about our life. We've been living together since July, dating since February. We met online. He'd been with one other girl, but they lived in different states while they were in college. He hasn't had a chance to date or have sex with any other girls. Just very shy.

I moved to another state to be with him after the 2.5 hour drive on the weekends got to be too much and we realized that we loved each other enough that we wanted to give the relationship a real chance.

He's very giving in many other ways, he's just really not sure what to do sexually, and I'm not sure what to do to show him.

---------- Post added at 03:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:56 PM ----------

I've tried suggesting the porn idea. He used to watch it, but he feels strongly that it objectifies women and that the industry capitalizes on selling false sexual experiences. It bothers him to think about how the women who make it were treated. He does like it when I make him videos, though, but doesn't ever really request anything, so I'm not sure what he wants me to do.

I've tried reading him passages from erotica that I like, and he just seems uncomfortable about it, or thinks it's funny, or is just uninterested.

You're definitely right about the one thing at a time. I guess I'm just trying to figure out the best way to bring these things up.

ZombieSquirrel

Hey ZS from 2005 could have written this.

M said he didn't have any fantasies and that he was not an overly sexual being. He enjoyed sex and he was the first man with whom I had an orgasm (and 1 of only 3 men to do so), so I did enjoy sex with him. I did want more though. I wanted more frequent sex and more "entertaining" sex, but he was just not into it.

This isn't what ended our relationship, but I think it was a good example of my inability to communicate what I needed to be happy. I guess that would be my advice to you. Communicate what you need and you'll be able to explore together. Hopefully he's willing to try and find a compromise. You can work on pushing boundaries together.

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Jinn

Wish I knew, I'm that guy. Any sort of pressure or expectation turns off the faucet and I can't force myself to do anything after that. If it happens randomly or cuddling or something leads into it then I'm OK, but otherwise I find it really difficult. It's killer too, because it leaves the lady feeling unloved or unattractive, and thats simply not the case. It's the lack of experience and the pressure.

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jadangel

It sounds like he is worth it. So just try to be more patient with him And try to comunicate with him that you are wanting to try new thing but at his pace......I wish you the best of luck......
Oh, and one thing my bf likes that isn't too out of the box for you to try, I sometimes meet him at the door in some sexy outfit he's never seen before (I also drop to my knees & give him a bj while he's leaning agianst the front door)......but small steps first, just the outfit for now

Craven Morehead

He may never change. The way each of us are wired sexually, is pretty much difficult to change. But it might not be something worth jeopardizing a relaltionship over. Only you can make that determination.

Wes Mantooth

Yeah I have to agree it isn't necessarily something you can change or fix. If he's not feeling it or just doesn't have it in him to play that role then no amount of coaching is going to change that. Sure he could try but...my god if you've ever been in bed with somebody trying to do something they aren't comfortable with or don't know how to do you'll know how awkward and unattractive it can be, in my case it just ends up being a huge turn off.

My advice would be to just take him as he is and let him express his feelings towards you in his own way. It may not be as exciting but at least its honest and genuine. On the other hand there is no harm in expressing how you feel and asking him to try something new, if it doesn't work then let it be and follow the above advice.

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cadre

Ecstasy.

Oh wait..nevermind...

Anyways, if this is something you can change then the best thing you can do is talk about it and take baby steps. Talk as you go though because that's how you will discover if this is something you can change.

Good luck!

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ASU2003

I think you need to take little steps here, you won't create your ideal scenario overnight.

Having said that, I will have the same problems. Except for the one where if a girl pulls me onto the bed, I would see that as a positive and good thing. And unless you come up with a really good script, there is no way I would even try to talk dirty. You can thank the repressed childhood for that. I would feel self-conscious and stupid saying a lot of things, even if the girl want to hear it. Small steps with positive reinforcement and asking sexy questions might help.

Does he know what you like, what your boundaries are, and how you will react if he does something wrong?

As for fantasies, he is lying. Every guy has fantasies, but they aren't required to share them with anyone else. One of my fantasies is to have sex with a girl from each continent at the same time, but what benefit would there be of telling you that?

Hektore

Well, I'm going to build all of this off the shy bit you said.

I think you're not going to change him being turned off when you initiate strongly because it's an extension of his introversion, at least that what I say about myself feeling the exact same way. Turning it to a performance, or 'on demand' bit destroys my will to participate in anything. I hate being the center of attention, even if it's the attention of only one other person. It's also why I'm never going to feel comfortable talking dirty - it's not who I am and might not be who he is either; if that's the case it most likely never will be, either.

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thesurgeon

You say he has had a repressive upbringing, so, something that might work from your perspective may not from his.

How about instead of asking him to do something that you like, you tell him not to do that same thing, it may excite his naughty side....

ASU2003

That can backfire if he thinks that she doesn't like it and he shouldn't do it. If he is sexually conservative and not rebellious, I wouldn't think he would do something that she said not to.

Like if she said not to spank her, I know I wouldn't in the future, even if she actually wanted it.

Willravel

I'm willing to try anything once, but generally speaking, most of the extra stuff bores me to tears. For some guys, vaginal intercourse where the woman orgasms, especially more than once, is the holy grail. Everything else pales in comparison. Don't get me wrong, I get off on making a woman feel pleasure any way she can, but talking dirty, fur, S&M, etc. does absolutely nothing for me whatsoever.

As 'that guy', ask him if he's willing to try something and if he likes it he'll do it again. If not, it's okay to accept him for who he is.

Calypso15

I've been married to a guy like that for 13 years now. Believe me, it doesn't get any easier to try and figure out how to make him any more uninhibited. There's a lot of love and tenderness in our marriage except in the bedroom. When he's willing the sex is great, but I've learned not to expect it as often as I'd like or to do anything more than what he wants to do.

Plan9

Based on the fourteen seconds I've spent talking to you over the last two weeks, it seems like your sex drive and desire for "passion" (read: a hot animal fuck) is way above average (for a man or woman). Like some in this thread, I used to believe that you could train people. Now I see it's kinda like languages: You can train people, but they lose their "sexual malleability" after a certain age or event. This guy was hardened in the fires of Catholic retardedism. You're not going to bend him into a sex machine easily. And if you bend too hard, he'll just break. Work slowly and gradually with open communication as to your desires (no head games) or just be content with your 10 MINUTE ORGASM. Rumor has it that some women don't get any.

I'm kinda in the same boat with my current partner (another broken Catholic) except I've come to accept that she's really just not into freaky sex practices and that pushing her to change makes her really uncomfortable. She's into two positions and oral and that's basically all I'm going to get. It sucks, but if I want to do the kinky/crazy stuff that The Other Girls enjoyed, I'm going to have to go find another Other Girl. Meh. GS->GA.

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jewels

Issues. Sigh.

He feels threatened or inadequate and inexperienced and will respond over time. This is the time for intimacy. I've found that post-coital talks are the perfect time. You can tell him what you loved about what preceded, making him feel more confident. As he begins to gain confidence, you should be able to slowly open the conversation and eventually he'll feel comfortable enough to experiment and do what it takes to satisfy you.

Sex is an important part of the relationship and a great indicator of the relationship and its future.

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purplelirpa

Thanks everyone for the great advice! Had a lot of sex yesterday and tonight. Feel like what I tried was successful. Ended up showing him pictures of naked women, giving him a blowjob, having him videotape it, then we had lots of sex. Seemed to go seamlessly. I've tried not to bug him too much asking questions about it, but I did let him know that I really enjoyed it.

Plan9

Overwhelming firepower. I like your tactics.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jove

Seems like everything is under control. Job well done everyone.

Plan9

Don't! No! I'm not ready yet!

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"You should not drink... and bake."

dlish

good job Lirpa

9er i think its called Operation Endless Carpet-bomb

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Plan9

I don't know what it's called but whatever it is... I want Lirpa to send the op order to my fuck buddy time now.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jadangel

Congrats on all the happy sex!!!!! looks like you are doing a great job of getting him more comfortable, hope it all works out for you......

purplelirpa

Well, I'll tell you what doesn't work--deciding to hang out at your guy friend's house after the boyfriend is in a bad mood and being mean all day, cuddling with the friend, and then letting him put his hand in your pants. That does not work. As a matter of fact, it does the exact opposite of working, building intimacy, trust, support, etc.

Damn, I couldn't have fucked this up any worse. I thought the emotional problems were bad before this, and now they're going to get really bad. I don't know if I can stay emotionally strong enough through the onslaught of his snide remarks and rebuffs. I couldn't stay strong enough when they weren't true. I'm going to have to find a way to get emotional support in a city where I don't know anyone, when I've had really bad training on how to feel worth anything at all--I'm scared.

We should change the subject to, "How to deal with a stupid girlfriend who makes the worst decisions possible instead of dealing with shit."

Plan9

Wisdom of the Ages: Stop dating oddball people and stop thinking with your crotch.

I don't know much but I know this: Trying to comfort your head with your smoothspot never works.

And only serves to piss off the unfortunate fucker that you come home to afterward.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

eribrav

Ummmm.........

Plan9

Come to Chicago in January. We'll fix you good.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

curiousbear

I am that guy too
Split personality..... That is something I would like. But with my girl, it just doesnt happen. When she does something like that I end up denying. I dont know whether it is the person, or the approach ....
I really wish i come out of that. BCoz it can be hell a lot of fun