surferlove007

I was reading this articlle about why women and men tend to have a jealous bone toward a SO's ex boyfriends or girlfriends. I'm currently with Matt, we're almost to 2 months together. The only thing is his longest relationship is his current one with me. He told me in the past he has always been scared off from the commitment stuff etc. However with me I can make him laugh so apparently that's why I've lasted the longest among other reasons.

Getting to the point...I was looking through his facebook and noticed he's friends with several of his exes. One in particular bugs me just bc shes this perfect girl who he's always had a thing for. He said they dated for a month and he considered things to be pretty serious in that he liked her a lot. He broke it off because he was in the NAVY at the time and couldn't handle the long distance. We've discussed her and he's assured me he's over her.

Since then she's had a baby and gotten engaged to the father. He said her image is completely ruined since all that and just that things didn't work out. Part of me wonders though if maybe he has that "What if" syndrome. I don't think he does but it does wander across my mind from time to time. I noticed a physical pattern with the girls he's been with as well, they're all quite thin and gorgeous. Don't get me wrong I know I'm a pretty girl etc blah blah this isn't about a low self esteem and I don't want to read post reiterating that I'm pretty, meant in the most positive way mind you. I'm just curious why he's pick me out of everyone possible, I'm athletic, not stick thin and I am no where near as gorgeous as these other girls in my opinion. Which brings me to the question what does he see that I don't about my own self?

Why is it that we feel so threatened by the past that it makes us slightly doubt the future? Perhaps that just describes me. I would to hear other opinions on that.

Jealousy: Why the thought of his ex-girlfriend drives you crazy - by Krystle Hernandez - Helium

Shauk

it's already doomed if you can't just trust him at his word on the issue.

Stop worrying about how you look, if you've already been dating the guy for 2 months, clearly you've met his standards physically, just don't have a suck personality and you're fine.

everyone has "what ifs"

oh and the answer to the thread

"Insecurity"

jewels

You make it sound as though you were waiting for someone to choose you. Weren't you somehow involved in this relationship? Most begin with some sort of mutual attraction, a brief getting-to-know-you phase and things began to blossom or just felt right, ya?

This relationship is your choice and the feeling's obviously mutual. If you allow these thoughts to fester, Shauk's right. But you're beautiful inside and out and this is what made him fall for you. Previous relationships are just that, previous.

Confidence and self-esteem is super sexy, so be strong.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

little_tippler

There are two different questions I can answer here, so I'll start by answering the thread title:

What makes me wary of exes is the fact that once there was, in all likelihood, a high degree of intimacy shared between them and my current partner. Unless my partner finished with them after only a short time spent with them, I am likely to not love the ex. The longer they spent together, the less I am likely to trust an ex if they are still a strong presence in my partner's life. Maybe it seems too strong a feeling to have, but I have been in a few relationships where exes were around that way and it grated me though I put up with it...in one case, I got cheated on with an ex. :\

Your second question, relating to your own situation is of course specific to you and your own issues with yourself and with him. Be confident and don't sell yourself short. All of us have to deal with exes at one time or another. Never think he's too good for you. Never tell him that either. Insecurity on that level opens the door to all sorts of trouble. If he chose to be with you, and you chose to be with him, there are strong reasons for it. You are not those girls, and they are not you. Everyone has different qualities and you have to trust that in you, your partner sees something he was unable to find in them. I also have to say that, you are a very sexy, beautiful woman and you should not be doubting yourself this way. You are also intelligent, driven and have a lot to offer...it's not all about the booty.

In relation to this particular ex...forget about her. She has babies and is going to be married. If you get paranoid about it, it will show, and then you may drive him toward her. Let it go and trust him. Your eyes are open...now relax.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Anormalguy

It depends on how close one is to the exes. A cordial, casual friendship is fine with me, but a close, personal connection isn't. Of course it depends on how you define a 'close, personal connection.'

As Shauk posted, everyone has "what if's."

__________________
In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

Plan9

OP Title Q: Ya know, that part where they start fucking them again.

...

Wow, a guy that age who has a relationship distance record of 2 months? Something ain't right.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Toaster126

It sounds like you are the only one making it negative right now. If you like him, and you trust him, stop introducing negatives into the picture. That will cause you to have a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Plan9

You mean: Snooping'd.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Baraka_Guru

A: insecurity.

This kind of insecurity will often create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Visible insecurity (read: jealousy) isn't an attractive quality. You need to rein it in.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Strange Famous

As long as my ex is able to re-assure me that I am stronger than her ex, and would definitely win if we both drank 10 pints of Stella and then had a fist fight outside a kebab shop... Im pretty happy.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Plan9

Isn't visible insecurity simply a symptom of the larger (real) problem? Insecurity itself is the issue here.

What good is it to have a cool facade when you're a Patrick Bateman underneath? That's selloutitry at its finest.

Sometimes you just have to put on the blindfold, smoke that cigarette, and pray they don't blow a hole in your heart.

All the paranoia and preoccupation are way bad and only get worse if you pick at 'em.

...

I'd express your feelings to the guy in a manner that doesn't involve cooking a pet rabbit in a large pot of boiling water.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

evilbeefchan

Going through their facebook/myspace/emails and other personal stuff will always lead to jealousy. Seeing all these names and faces you may not recognize with relations that have not been fully explained/disclosed to you will create lots of questions, and these questions can destroy relationships. I don't want to go so far to say it creates paranoia, but sometimes those "what if" questions take a life of their own and run rampant.

It is a lot to do with trust issues, and for most people it is mostly unwarranted. Unless he has a history of dipping back into his ex pool then you shouldn't be worrying over it. If partners can't trust each other then what good is the relationship?

FuglyStick

I've always had a hard time maintaining friendships with those I was once in a relationship with. I don't resent them, and wish them luck, but I don't really want to be involved in their life in any capacity once the relationship is over (I've never had kids, though, which would obviously change things significantly). Some people would say that's a lack of maturity; I say, why do I have to keep that person in my life anymore?

__________________
AZIZ! LIGHT!

hunnychile

Guys NEVER EVER really respect their exes. IMHO. This is a fact. It's done & over and everyone should stop living in the past with "what if". You must remember that he is with you now & has chosen you after all those other exes. Why would you, perhaps the hottest woman ever to grace tfp...worry about those old flames? Don't go "borrowing trouble." Best advice ever, I think. You are a bit insecure because nothing is written in stone & you really care, but don't let your insecurities ruin a great relationship. Have some faith. Seriously. If it's meant to be... it will work out. And you just can't push the river....Relax. Enjoy the times that are here now. Be in the moment and life will work out. (Hard as hell when you're wildly in love, huh?)

I smile because I was there a long time ago.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Plan9

Hope is not a policy.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

noodle

Because they had something with your partner that you do not.
Their relationship.
And you were not a part of that.

__________________

hunnychile

Hope beats the alternative.

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

cellophanedeity

Maybe the sex was better.
Maybe they were prettier.
Maybe their shoes smelled less.
Maybe they made better spaghetti.

There will always be something about you that your partner preferred in their ex. But, obviously, there is a lot that your partner prefers about you, and that's likely why they're with you and not the ex.


Your ex will always have intimate memories of the people that came before you. These memories may be good or bad or whatever, but the experiences your partner had with their ex has shaped them into who they are today.

Embrace the ex! They have done good things for you.

__________________
who am I to refuse the universe?
-Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

savmesom11

Not only do I agree with this statement 200% but a 'man' (and I use that term loosely) who sees a woman as ruined after giving birth and getting engaged leaves me speechless.....actually it makes me gag but whatever...are you going to be ruined in a few years if you two actually make it that long and start a family?

Regarding your original question: I don't really get jealous of the ex's but there is always that bit of: "Was what they had comparable to what we have" in the back of my mind.

__________________
* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Plan9

Yeah, I wonder if Nicole Brown Simpson thought that the night before she died.

...

But seriously... I've had some great relationships with great women. They didn't work out for various bullshit reasons but that's okay. I took away growth points from each of them and I'm a better person for it despite the occasional bout of cynicism. The key to any Good Failure (TM) is to learn from it and use it to improve yourself. I'm the hot commodity of human being I am today because of all the hard times I had with those women I can barely remember.

I concur.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Shauk

well yeah if it's not the insecurity/lack of trust issue, it's the part where you're bugging out about the 2 month thing. That is kinda of f'd up I admit.

MSD

Plan9

Oh, you saw that too? Whew, I thought I was hallucinating misandry again.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

CinnamonGirl

Like tip said, it's the intimacy thing. The fact that he (or she, as the case may be) loved someone else, who wasn't you, and all the little things that go along with that. Those whispered words of affection? Yep, she heard them first. And so on.

It's okay, though. She may have been there first, but she isn't there now. And that's the important thing.

I tend to get into the "she was better than me" rut. She looked better, she was funnier, she wasn't as shy, she got along better with his mom... but you have to remind yourself (or, I have to remind myself) that there's a reason she's his ex.


Also, this whole "he picked you" thing... 1) didn't you choose him, as well? Mutal choosing. Yep. And, 2) I think people really underestimate the "they made me laugh" angle. A shared sense of humor will get you through a lot of rough times. Plus, it's more fun during all the other times.

Oh, and one more thing. No snooping! Bad, bad, bad.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Jinn

I think it's all been covered, so I'll add a +1 for "insecurity" as the answer the OP's question of "What makes us jealous of someone's ex."

If you think you're the hottest shit in town, you are unlikely to ever be jealous of someone's ex. That fact alone makes it pretty clear that jealousy is directly proportional to insecurity. The easiest way to combat it is to realize that you've already won, in the sense that you're with him now. And to realize that they're lucky to have you, rather than vice versa. What his ex-girlfriends looked like, did, thought or believed is really not your concern if approached from this angle.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Baraka_Guru

Wait, I think you guys missed the qualifier: "IMHO" and "This is a fact."

Oh wait....

Now I'm confused.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

snowy

Jinn, you really hit the nail on the head here.

I've had a difficult time wrapping my head around this thread because I've never, not once, been jealous of my SO's exes. There's absolutely no reason to be jealous of them, in my mind. I am the hottest shit in town, and he's mine, not theirs.

In fact, I'm friends with one of them.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Jinn

Indeed. It should come as no surprise that I, too, believe I am the hottest shit in town, and she's mine, not theirs. Her previous boyfriends pale in comparison to my nearly God-like presence.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Strange Famous

But I could beat him up in a drunken brawl???

If so, the rest of these metrosexual qualities dont bother me too much...

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Plan9

The 1800s called... they want their ideals back.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

hunnychile

BTW - All three of you can bite me.

Or become lawyers if you have the balls. Geez, this place just gets drippier by the minute...

__________________
"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

little_tippler

I don't know about this. People always jump to this conclusion but I tend to disagree with any black and white statements like this. What kind of insecurity are you talking about? A person's own, personal insecurity, or insecurities caused by external sources?

I think you can be the hottest shit in town, or even just believe you are, but someone can still betray your trust rather easily. You may never feel jealous, but shit will still happen if it must. I don't think all jealousy is about confidence. Sometimes, it's instinct. I think women can sense when another woman may feel something for her man.

I don't make friends with boyfriends' exes. I could make an exception, but with so many billions of people in the world I can befriend, they aren't top of my list. And having been cheated on with an ex, I never want to set myself up to be a fool again if I can help it.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

kramus

I don't feel jealous of my SO's ex. I do feel distaste for him, however.

He is a black hole of understanding IMO because he 1) spent years jacking off instead of sexing his beautiful, hot, adventurous and willing wife, and 2) he seems to only want to screw her now by jacking around with child support, his steadfast refusal to sign divorce papers after 5 years apart (he lives with and has purchased a home with another woman), and 3) the poisoning of the minds of his current SO and her live-in mom (which sucks because they are the step-mom/step-grandma of my Lady's kids).

The guy is selfish, grasping and meticulously crafty when it comes to breaking things down into numbers and what I think of as alogorithms of behaviour patterns, and then using these patterns to build up long term screwing over of my Lady and what she wants with her kids.

I don't feel jealous of him- in fact I am stronger, better looking, and more creative. Plus I know I can take him even though he is 9 or 10 years my junior (1800's, your ideals are here )

The fuckwad.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Plan9

Oh, no... I'm all for the 19th Century Ideals of Manliness here as an esteem-boosting measurement of self worth.

We could even roll the clock back some more, if you'd like.

...but they're not mutually exclusive.

Let's say I'm this guy:

I feel like I need a relationship to validate various goals in life. Being a single man means I'm "incomplete." Internal.
My exwife cheated on me, told me she didn't want counseling, and divorced me during my last deployment. External.
I'm occasionally a rotten asshole to some women I date because of it. Internal from external.
Some women I date notice that I'm occasionally a rotten asshole. External from internal.

...

Insecurity, like cancer, is insecurity wherever it is.

There is no good cancer and there is no good insecurity.

It can be managed, dealt with or destroyed.

Or it can destroy you and your relationships.

...

I am not friends with any of my exes. I don't see them after we break up. Ever. Granted, I would make an exception if the breakup didn't involve infidelity.

I am not friends with any of my partner's exes. I figure they're the competition... like another lion that'll snag my tasty wildebeest given the chance.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

FuglyStick

Kramus' ex tasted bad

__________________
AZIZ! LIGHT!

thespian86

So how do you conquer it.

I'm having problems with an almost ex of hers. Yes, the dreaded 'best friend who i crossed the line with'. He seems to always be there. Texts. Phone calls. Classes. For the first month and a half I managed to stay level headed, dealing with the problems he presented her, the conversations we had about his inadequacies as a friend. Etc. And the constant reassurance that she cares for me [which I know and trust], and that he is just a friend [which I know and trust]. My problem is more with me feeling infringed upon as her boyfriend. I'm the romantic lead, he is the friend. But the checking in on her, the 'emotional support' he attempts to provide her, the way he dicks her around. I'm tired of him now. And it isn't really her fault, beyond the fact that she sees this from another angle (more realistic one).

The truth is that I'd like to pretend it's the infringement thing, that he's stepping on my toes, but I think I'm scared I'm not good enough for her. I know I am. I know I'm wonderful to her/for her. But I can't stop being:

- Touchy/Sensitive
- Snarky
- Clingy

A lot of my problems right now are amplified because I'm bored and lonely (not in school this semester). I'm living back home instead of in Toronto where I had built a life for myself. I'm feeling kind of lost.

Advice?

and [ps]: this guy is an asshole and even aside from my stellar display of a 16 year old's mentality, I wouldn't like him. And he does cross the line. I just can't deal with it in a proper, normal for me, non-childish way. I'm too in my head about it. Fuck.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Toaster126

Being clingy and needy will drive people running away from you, thus ending the relationships. That enough to make you guys stop being neurotic?

I mean this in the nicest way possible, by the way.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

surferlove007

I love all the responses, I meant to reply last night but got side tracked by homework! Jewels, I love the idea of how things have bloomed you're completely right. This thread has really done wonders for my point of view and even the past couple days I've felt better after reading many of the responses.

Little Tipper, you're words are just amazing. You're right she has babies, she's getting married and hopefully I won't have to see her until his best friend gets back from Iraq (7 months from now) Which who knows what will happen by then. Today was a much better day for us, mostly because I'm chilling the fuck out about the paranoia.

Yea well apparently I'm a lot of FIRSTS for him..first to break the 1 month barrier (even though I've told myself the time doesn't matter) first person he said he's ever put before himself and more mushy gushy things etc. Part of me keeps thinking he's going to realize what's going on and rush back into his old trend. After today however I don't think that will be the case. I also think him being in the NAVY for 4 years had something to do with short relationships.

Definitely don't want self-fulfilling prophecy coming true! I've taken your words to heart.

Working on the insecurity issues. Working out everyday has helped. However I've come to accept that even if I work out 2 times a day everyday I won't ever be what society deems ideal, and I don't want to be. He loves me for how I am and has told me he loves how I strive to improve myself constantly.

You're right about the facebook issue. He doesn't have a history of going back to his exes that I'm aware of. He's the kind of person that once it's over usually he doesn't ever talk to the person again except this one girl I don't like for reasons explained earlier.

Let me explain the term ruined. Ruined as in her as a person emotionally, not physically. She got pregnant out of marriage (something he's quite against) and has bounced between many men and pawned off the kid on her parents to raise for the most part.) I suppose the best way to describe it would be he sees her as unattractive with responsibility and other various factors for the path her life has taken. You know writing that made me feel a ton better...

I hate the "she was better than me" rut. I've reminded myself that I get along great with his family, he takes care of me, buys me lunch/dinner a lot, makes sure my cars working and overall treats me wonderful. He's a stand up man with a lot of values I have. I've heard a shared sense of humor can be the essential piece to a marriage. Being able to laugh together about stupid and sometimes ridiculous things can be the cushion to handle various things later on down the road.

I know I stopped snooping on facebook. No reason to. It wasn't helping, just hurting.

Yes!

little_tippler

I just want to say that I have been with a man of 26 whose relationship record was also two months...it really didn't worry me. He was lovely and to this day I'm sure the amount of time he'd had with girls had nothing to do with the kind of man he was. And yes, we made it past two months

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Plan9

Pfft.

Well, I certainly feel like a dunce for wasting years of my life with so few women when I could have been spreading the seed with two-month stints!

...

Am I the only one that feels a little awkward with these "firsts" occurring at age 26? Dunno. Granted, I have no perspective because I'm all about the long term... but I feel like, if nothing else, people mature faster in the military. The "get married, buy a house, have a kid" bit happens quick for a lot of army guys. They want to have something nice to come back to after spending XX months in the desert playing John Wayne.

Generally speaking: Despite being used as such, military service isn't an excuse to be an Indecisive Igor / Playa Pimp. "Porksword Crusader - GO!" = all bad.

...

I'm glad that your issues were resolved and that you're not going down the path of the Psycho Hose Beast anymore.

That's the ticket.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."