neflyte

today i broke it off with someone i have been dating for one week. the breakup did not go well (but how often do they go well anyways?) something she told me has stuck, however. i apparently started mentioning my ex only after a couple dates. Yes, i know this is bad. my issue is that i've only had one long-term relationship. that's all I can compare anything to. i haven't dated many times and those times that I have dated have never lasted more than a month or so. I barely remember them.

my question is: how can I relate to someone i'm dating (or interested in dating) when i can't bring up the only relationship experience i've had?

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Wyodiver33

You dated this girl for a whole week? Wow! Just kidding. That's not a relationship. Move on. As far as talking about ex-girlfriends, I tend to avoid that.

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I like stuff.

genuinegirly

Figure out how to not bring up your relationship experience. There's the real skill.
Otherwise she will think you're comparing her to your ex at every turn. Resentment will build. Not healthy for either of you.

Relate the same way you'd relate to any person. Find like interests. Explore your similarities and differences. Talk about family,friends, how you were raised, current politics, silly stories or jokes...

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

kramus

I relate it to a person who can only talk about their job, or their kid, or their car. There was one old guy I spent a summer with who could only talk about his experiences in the war. And I don't mean blood and glory - more like boring shit because he was stuck in a training facility as a non-com telling guys to dig trenches.

Maybe train your mind by doing mental exercises. Like giving yourself a slap in the head with the Carp of Irresponsible References everytime you think of your ex. Not just in conversation, but even when by yourself. *Smack!!*

Then give yourself a shake and change the topic to something more interesting to strangers. Like the arts, or how to plan for a new world of debt management and creative re-assessment. Or something.

Anything but *Smack!!*

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Push-Pull

Whenever you want to discuss relationship items, just tell them "I'm new at this, what are your thoughts?" You'd be amazed at how much you can learn by just listening and observing. (Besides being willing to just listen is almost always considered a good quality.)

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"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

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ratbastid

Well... Look, you ARE comparing her to your ex at every turn. That's what there is to deal with. You have unfinished business with your ex. There's something that didn't get said, something you didn't forgive or apologize for... Something's lingering, which is why the past won't stay in the past. So I'd look there.

Shell

...good time to practice your self-control skills
...it's all about dwelling in the now and looking forward
Wishing you all the best...you can do this

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Zeraph

Not sure what you mean. Just don't mention specifics if you want to talk about your experience.

Instead of saying:

"My ex Soandso used to make me dinner all the time I really liked that..."
to
"I love it when women cook for me..."

thespian86

I think it's healthy to be open and honest about your past experiences, no matter the subject. That is to say, if I couldn't talk about my life freely in a relationship I wouldn't want to be in it anymore.

But, I take issue with comparisons. And with lying to oneself. If you were bringing her up because you aren't over her, then stick to casual or no dating. If you were bringing her up as measure of what you look for, no one will take that well (ie: don't pigeon hole her; let her be a new adventure, not "starting over").

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
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Xerxys

... youknow, it really enhances the family setting of life and puts them in their place. Personally I would chain them to the kitchen, what do you think?"

You need to get over her, like rat said, either find out why your talking about her too much or just stop!!

Halanna

My question would be WHY do you feel you need to bring up the only relationship experience you have ever had?

Why one week into discovering a new person, figuring out if they are compatible with you, if you like them, etc. do you feel the need to bring up a past relationship?

Try and identify WHY you are doing it. Because in a fresh, new relationship, there is not really room for all the past baggage.

The last thing a women you have just met wants to hear, is about your past dating experiences (or lack thereof), or your past with women in general.

You have to focus on the "here and now" and not compare or make excuses for what and who you are.

Enjoy the person you are trying to know, live in the moment with the person you are spending time with and enjoy you being you and learning what is her being her.

Our past experiences can shape, help, hinder, make us cringe, make us smile, but they have no bearing on who you are with, in that moment, for that time.

Stop sharing until you are at a point in the relationship that all the questions can be asked and answered. Until then, stop talking and enjoy who you have chosen to spend the current time with.

Lindy

Try to find someone with areas of commonality. And talk about them rather than you.
I'm going to quote myself (abridged) out of another similar thread. I hope that's not considered bad form, but I don't want to write it all again.

bcarson90

i know what your talking about. i've had only 1 long term relationship to compare. its hard to not think of her when comparing girls, but you just have to think about what could happen with that girl and not think about what happen with another girl.

ratbastid

Oy. People! You can't NOT think something.

Right now, sitting in your chair there: DON'T THINK ABOUT MONKEYS.

Thought about 'em, didn't you? The minute your eyes hit that word.

There's something that isn't resolved about your last relationship. You can't force those thoughts away--you have the thoughts you have, and that's all there is to that. It's not like you ARE your thoughts--you're that thing that's HAVING those thoughts. But why those things keep coming up is because there's some kind of unfinished business with her. Something that didn't get said or completed or acknowledged or apologized for or forgiven. Maybe something you didn't thank her for, or didn't have her thank you for. Whatever you think you couldn't possibly say to her? It's THAT. That's what there is to look at. Because you'll never "get good at not thinking about her". The minute you NOT think about her, you just THOUGHT about her.

neflyte

*sigh* what continues to kill me is i'll never know if i'm truly over my ex. since there's no common sign or rulebook for it, i could potentially never be over her for my entire life.

i think what i'm going to do is stop looking for women. forget the dating sites, etc. if i chance upon someone in the future and we both mesh, excellent. if i remain single for the rest of my days, so be it. i still have family, friends, my career, my hobbies, et al.

frankly, i'm tired of people always telling me i'm not over my ex. i'm giving up.

thanks everyone for the insight, as always.

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"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Anormalguy

Don't give up on dating and finding a special woman; just learn not to drive women away by talking too much about your ex.

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In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

Shell

...you're not alone.

...NO one EVER forgets their first love.

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

Martian

I think you're coming to the right conclusion, but for the wrong reasons.

First, let's get the obvious out of the way. The reason people keep telling you you're not over your ex is.. because you're not over your ex.

You want to know what the sign is?

Here's how I knew I was over my first love -- the day I could sit and think about the good times we had without feeling any pain or regret. I know I did and said some stupid things, especially towards the end. I wasn't perfect, but I did the best I could with the tools I had. We had some good times, and once I really, truly accepted it was over I was able to think about those times and not feel the sad or hurt. I knew then that even if I'd had the chance I would never go back to that. It's in the past. I'm not the boy I was in those days, and I sincerely doubt she's the same girl. I don't Google her, or wonder what she's up to, or who she's with. She doesn't often come up in conversation these days, and certainly not with Magpie. I'm not ashamed of those times, or trying to hide them. It's just not relevant, and it's not really something I can share. It's a keepsake, but it has no impact on my current relationship.

That's how I knew. It's not an instantaneous thing. It's a gradual process, and nobody can tell you if it'll take a month or a year or a decade. You'll be done when you're done and that's all there is to it.

Someone once told me that losing a relationship is a lot like losing a loved one. You grieve, you feel anger and regret and sadness. And eventually you get past it and you remember what you had with fondness.

So yeah. Ditch the dating sites. Don't go on the prowl. These things are not productive and will not help you get to where you need to be.

I think ratbastid is right. I think something is holding you back. I don't know what it is; how the hell should I? It seems readily apparent that you don't know yourself. Here's the part that hasn't been said, though -- whatever it is, it's gone. That train has left the station. Your past relationship needs to be left in the past. That's where it belongs, and you'll never move on as long as you keep carrying it around with you. Whatever it is, whatever you left unsaid or whatever you regret, you need to let go of it. I can't tell you how to do that, but I'm confident that sooner or later you'll figure it out for yourself.

I've had a lot of 'relationships.' Some were about companionship, some were about just plain sex. Some were just flings. I've been in love twice. The first woman broke my heart. I never thought I'd be whole again. I never thought anyone else could come along and make me happy the way she did. In a sense, I was right; the woman I love now makes me happy in a completely different way. There's no comparison to be made, because what I have now and what I had then are so utterly different. What I had then worked well for who I was at the time, and what I have now works for who I am today.

Time does not heal any wounds. We heal the wounds ourselves. It just takes time, if you can dig it.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

ratbastid

You're over her when YOU SAY you're over her. It really is as simple as that. But you can't say that yet, can you? Or if you do, people don't buy it, and you probably don't buy it yourself. So there's something you need to handle first, is all.

And it doesn't have to be hard work or take a long time. Getting resigned and throwing up your hands is to be expected, because you're getting a LOT of juice out of keeping this thing around.

Look, if she were sitting right there next to you, and you knew you could say ANYTHING to her, ANYTHING at all, what would you say?

hrandani

I went with Martian's option for a couple of years, then went with plan B:

Make some new friends and go out, drinking heavily for months until you can't even remember her name.

Worked for me! As a bonus you'll make some horrible, life changing decisions under the influence that will take your mind completely off this fantasy relationship you have going on.

Iliftrocks

By the way, after you finally get over your first, then try thinking about how you say things to the new prospective women in your life. You can always say that you prefer a particular type of activity or interaction, without ever having to give the context of a previous relationship. You would say I'd like for a partner to do such and such, without ever having to say that "Sarah used to do this thing with her tongue..." No names, and try not to mention past relationships with anger, either.

Good luck

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Xerxys

Yeah, this is a great bonus.

genuinegirly

This excellent advice reads like poetry.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Plan9

I've violated this (anger) and had partners violate this (name thing)... what seems like all the friggin' time.

*waits for WillRavel to toss up Universal Life Excuse #1*

I'm mildly bitter about my failed marriage. The partner-using-ex's-name thing really pisses me off.

The fact that it happens right when the relationship stalls out and starts the downward spiral...

Total warning sign? I think so. Wow, internal newsflash.

Hmm.

Thanks, ILiftRocks. You leave me with things to consider.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

neflyte

It's always good to not feel alone. I'm sure many people go through this sort of thing; i just don't meet them or talk to them, etc.

If such a day ever comes for me, i'm reasonably sure i'll be old enough not to be able to get what i really (still) want out of a relationship. i suppose i'll just continue doing whatever it is i'm doing until something happens. maybe then i'll have gotten over my ex.

Not enough mind-altering substances in the world for that one. besides, drinking heavily hurts my brain in the morning. i need that brain for work. an interesting point about where i am, though: i've made lots and lots of new friends since i moved away from where my ex lived. my life is much different from what it was, so perhaps that's a good thing.

anyways, another day of work beckons. thanks again to everyone for the advice!

__________________
"I'm not a vegatarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown

Iliftrocks

Unfortunately, I got all this from experience. The best teacher. Running your mouth to your new love like she was "one of the guys" and you slip just a little, then WHAM, she's crying and you're a bastard. I've learned to think, at least a little, before I start running off at the mouth.

And I'm bitter about my failed marriage too, another one of them lesson things.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."