woohog1

ladies and gentlemen I have a question to ask. but before I do a little background.
When my wife and I make love, it is usually (in my opinion) a hassle for her. She is the kind that would just like to sit on the couch and watch a movie and then cuddle for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep. When I ask her why I feel like sex is a chore, or hassle she doesnt say a word or just brushes it off like she doesnt want to talk about it. When she is finally in the mood, like after the dishes are done and the entire house has been vaccumed, and bills filed(that was a joke) it has to be lights off, under the covers, with her shirt on, hands holding her shirt down and there cannot be any talking or noise made. When ever I ask "does this feel good?" or "am I doing that right?" she says shut up, I cant get off when you talk, or what have I said about talking? Its not so much that I need to talk, but I want to make sure she likes it. Any suggestions? Tips that I can use to maybe get her to open up. I dont want it too seem like such a big deal, sex should be fun, not strict or rigid (unless your into that kind of thing)
Also one more question... Often times, I will eat her out and I love to do that, but she refuses to even so much as look at my cock. She wont touch it, hold it, nothing. I dont want to sound ungreatful, but I have taken a shower, I even used sope and it wasnt a saturday. I keep the area neat, no sores or lint at all, but she kinda makes me think it is gross. I have approached the issue of a blowjob, and she just says shes not comfortable with the idea. We have been married for almost 2 years, will be 2 years in june. Im just not sure what is going on. When i try to talk to her about it, again she just gives me the look, or says she is working on it. Any tips/ suggestions would be appreciated. lastly let me say this. I really do love my wife, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but after almost two years, I would like at least one blowjob. seriously though, this is a problem and I need a little advice from others, thanks and sorry for the length of this thread.
woohog1

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Glory's Sun

sounds to me like she's body conscious more than anything. she needs to be comfortable with herself before she can be comfortable with anyone else. I don't really know how to change that.. it would help if she would could use a toy on her own without you around; maybe dress up for herself anything really. She needs to feel sexy about herself and she doesn't.. and that could be a whole list of issues.

the only other reason I could think of is if she had some traumatic experience earlier in life.. a bad boyfriend or something.

best of luck to ya.

MSD

Therapy.

lostgirl

You two need couples counseling and quick. Sounds like guccilvr is right about her being body conscious, but I am guessing there is more to is than that.

Has she always been this way, or did this just start? Was she this way before you got married?

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woohog1

Thats kinda what I am starting to think as well is that she is body conscious... she has not always been this way, and when I try to tell her that,she says it is because she is so much more stressed now than ever. I try to tell her to just come home, not worry about the chores... ill do them and go take a nap, watch t.v. whatever, but then later on when I bring it up again, she simply says there is too much on her mind, like what she didnt get done. So the next time I tell her, well just knock that stuff out first and then relax, but she says she cant even think about it, she just needs to chill out. Im so confused....
seems like everything has to be PERFECT for her to even think about sex. what gives?

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cdwonderful

I know after two years you mostly likely are aware of this, but the key words are patience and reassurance (although therapy is a very good idea as well) Make her feel beautiful and wanted, without coming across as a lust driven beast of course. The groundwork is laid (no pun intended) so you just need to keep building on it. Good luck!

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ratbastid

Okay, in my experience (coming up on 14 years with one wife, 2.5 with the other), sex problems are almost always a symptom of something else. It's the first place you see the stress, because we have a lot of attention on it and it's sort of fragile, but it's almost never the SOURCE of the issue.

Honestly? It sounds to me like she's clinically depressed. That can present a lot of ways--being stressed out is one of those ways. For sure the two of you could go to work on this together.

Is it work-related stresss? What does she do for a living? Or is it "around the house" stress?

There's not a lot you can do about work stress except be a generous ear for her to unload her troubles into. "Around the house" stress, it sounds like you're addressing. Her gotcha that even having that dealt with doesn't deal with it makes me think there's something bigger going on.

Stay the course. This is probably not about you.

Also, stop bringing up sex. Every time you mention it, it makes things worse (as you've no doubt noticed). And yes, be prepared for a dry spell.

woohog1

well just a few minutes ago, she got home after a long day at school. she is a teacher, and after she got home all she wanted to do was just relax. I told her no biggie. We ended up talking for a few minutes and she kinda sorta told me what the problem was. She said that 1. she thinks she is fat 2. she doesnt like her boobs, thinks they are too big, and too saggy, 3. she says "im tired of having kids crawl all over me all day, the last thing i want is someone else touching me"
I realize being a teacher is stressful, but not as much as some other jobs. she is on lexapro, so she wont be as depressed. I think alot of this is on a deeper level stemming from something from earlier in her childhood. I thank yall for the help, more help is still appreciated as well....

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Shaindra

All SSRIs made my libido go into hiding. As in "get the fuck off me" hiding.

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fresnelly

The easiest thing you can do at this point is back off on sex for awhile, say two-three weeks without pushing for it. Give her that rest she needs after a long day. Just remember that it's still important to be intimite in other ways: shoulder rubs, hugs, bum squeezes, simple compliments, making her coffee etc...

If you neglect this sort of day to day intimacy, her feelings of low self esteem will really take hold.

I'm now reminded of the advice of a much wiser man than me who said that for Women, Sex comes as a result of intimacy, whereas for Men, Sex IS a form of intimacy. Take that for what it's worth.

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getmyfix

Ditto on the lexapro making the libido plummet for my wife. Funny thing is that the only time she ever needed it was when she was a teacher.

On the subject of pills, being on birth control pill also affected her libido and weight. We switched to other forms of birth control and it helped considerably.

That said, the Lexapro helped considerably with the anxiety she was experiencing as a teacher...so I just had to tough it out until she was ready to go off it.

Plan9

Painfully true, in my experience. Except for the butt groping. That wasn't allowed either.

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jimmy1s269

im with you dude. going on a month long dry spell here. only 4 times since the beginning of the year.

I have been trying the no butt grabs hands off approach since the beginning of the year, something she told me might get me laid more often. not only have i not gotten laid more, i dont even think she has noticed how much i have kept my hands to myself.

i have no advice for you brother. hang in there. they say it will get better eventually. rumor has it she might have a sexual awakening when shes like.... 40.

13 years to go, i think i can make it. *cry*

woohog1

thanks guys, I appreciate it. I guess I just need tp stop expecting sex, or at least hinting at it. I appreciate all the help.

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Latenter

I'm in the same boat as you guys. My wife is the same age as yours and has no interest in sex at all. The rare times we do have it she is just doing it for me and sighs and tells me to just finish and get it over with.

She did start taking Lexapro as well, but depression killed her sex drive too. I'm trying to be supportive and not grope/oogle her at every opportunity, but it just makes us even more distance physically.

I love her and am not going to cheat or leave her, but I have seen the "casual encounters" section on craigslist and wished things were different.

edit: Sorry to bring up a month old thread, saw it on the front page and hadn't checked the date!

Strange Famous

I guess really its kind of that you need to talk about it with her and let her know how you feel and that you are attracted to her.

It could be that she doesnt have as high as a sex drive as you and if thats true somehow you maybe both have to reconcile to each others position to a degree.

Or it could well be she has some issues around sex or her own confidence in herself that she needs to work through and which may be difficult.

Without meaning to be harsh at all, you both have to accept that it is a big issue I think, because if two people in a relationship have a very fundamental difference in there need for sex, that isnt a good basis for the long term.

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james t kirk

I'm gonna break from the pack on this one.

Divorce.

I really doubt she's going to change - ever. So you either accept it or move on. If sex is important to you and it sounds like it is, my advice would be to move on sooner rather than later.

Now before everyone jumps all over me and accuse me of being an insensitive prick, I'm not being insensitive, I'm being realistic here.

This isn't "body image" issues. That's a cop out. The original poster stated that his wife doens't even want to touch his cock. What does HIS COCK have to do with her body image??? I could buy the body image thing if she didn't like him to see her, but what's the deal with her refusing to touch him, or even look at him. That's not normal.

Nope, the answer is always more simple - she's just not into sex. (For whatever reason - there could be plenty - abuse, puritanical upbringing, latent homosexual, or just plain asexual (there are lots of those out there.))

I am curious though.... how is it that you didn't know this before you got married? Did she throw all kinds of guilt issues at you then and promise you that once you got married, it would be legitimate then and things would be better? (I had a good friend who went through that - guess what....it didn't get any better. New excuses replaced old excuses.)

So your choices are:

1. Move on and find yourself a nice horny woman (there are lots out there.)

2. Live with it and be asexual yourself.

3. Live with it, but find yourself a girlfriend

---------- Post added at 07:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:21 PM ----------

No, wanting intimacy is normal. Avoiding it or supressing it is NOT normal.

Halanna

The Lexapro is a problem from the start. Talk to her about the medication and maybe you and her can go to her doctor and discuss other options.

Then start small. Ask her if you can wash her hair when she is in the shower. If she lets you, don't make any sexual moves. Just wash her hair, love her and let it go.

Ask her if you can give her a massage. Or a bath. Again, don't make it sexual, let her see that you will and want to touch her body in a non-sexual way. This will help build her confidence and let you touch her when it is "non-threatening", ie: non-sexual.

If you watch porn and she knows it, she is feeling inadequate. That is the biggest problem with women and men and porn. They feel their man is "comparing" them to what they see.

It would appear there are deeper and more serious problems than can be solved by those who are reading.

True love will find a way. If you can't, it's not your or her fault. If you do, then you will truly know love. Either way, love, try, compromise and you will know.

touhy

I agree with Captain Kirk.

Xerxys

I think what he meant was for a while. He can stop hinting but not for long. Baby steps.

Divorce is a whole nether story. I honestly believe this can be fixed if both parties are willing and put in the required effort.