Studentech

Hey all, being the youngest member and all must entitle me to somewhat post the most immature of problems? no? ah well, here goes regardless.

My SO and I have been dating for a year and a half now, and sexuality has slowly worked it's way into our relationship. Me, being a lurker on here for a long time, found it rather odd that it wasn't something that we really openly discussed, but I wasn't about to force her into conversations she'd rather avoid (keep in mind we still do talk about it, just not all too often.) I've also been about taking it at her pace since day one, and that's worked really well. but now I feel like I'm at a bit of a dead end on my part. Our situation currently is I'll do to her whatever she lets me, but she hasn't ever expressed any interest in my penis as far as intercourse is concerned. This in itself doesn't particularly bug me (maybe it should..?) Theres always been the thought of sex on my mind after all, I am a teenage boy. Recently however, the thought has become more and more prominent, and during one of our last encounters I asked if she wanted to. I know this was a rather awful way of going about this, and needless to say she got upset.
We talked about it afterwards and she doesn't seem to know why she's not comfortable with the thought of sex. Now here's my question to you all, especially the women of TFP. Is there anything I can do to make her more comfortable? anything I can help with to make this easier for her? or is it just that she doesn't feel she's ready and that I need to be patient?

I've not a clue as to what to do past this really... any input would be appreciated
Cheers

Stare At The Sun

Er how old are you exactly Studentech?

Studentech

I recently turned 18.
Sorry, should have mentioned before.

Stare At The Sun

Just my .02, if sex hasn't happened after a year and a half at 18...time to pack your shit and move on. However if you want to stick it out..

Find out why she shows no interest:
Big into religion?
Sexual Abuse?
Self confidence?
Previous bad experiences?
Not into sex?

Answer these questions, and you'll find out why she doesn't want to get down to business. Also, in rereading what you wrote, she "is not comfortable with the thought of sex? That's a few scary words. Looks to me like she has issues, and you're in for a long road. No easy answer here, find out why she feels this way, and go with it.

Good luck man, sounds like you'll need it.

dlish

talk to her and ask her what makes her uncomfortable. stare at the sun has a few good things to consider. but if she doesnt want to talk, you cant force her to.

you obviously like this girl if you've stuck it out for this long. give it a good shot.

good luck

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SabrinaFair

Of course it is up to her how far y'all "go", but her unwillingness to even have a conversation gives me pause....you might try bringing it up in a non-sexual scenario--at dinner, or when you all are hanging out (not fooling around) It may help her feel more comfortable and less pressured. If she still won't even talk at this point....well, then I don't know what to say other than stick it out and forget the sex, or go your separate ways.

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Ayashe

Seriously a discussion is in order. Let her know that you need to understand. Stare At The Sun came up with some very valid questions to think about. Another thought may be that even if she is not a strongly religious person perhaps she does feel that this is something to be saved for marriage. Though that sort seems to be few and far between these days there are people who follow that thought. Regardless, it has come to a point where I am gathering that you are beginning to feel somewhat rejected so it calls for a deep discussion.

I would refrain from just asking if she wants to have sex and instead try to understand why she doesn't want to. It is up to the two of you to decide if you feel as though you can wait from that point on. If she has had a bad experience in some way, or has some irrational fears, counseling would be in order. After a year and a half I would think that you should have some understanding on this, I would insist on it if I were in your shoes. This is not to say that I am suggesting you drop the girl flat out, your post shows that you genuinely care for her and desire to work this out. Just tell her you need to understand because you are beginning to feel rejected and see how the conversation develops from there. If she truly cannot discuss it, perhaps it is time to consider moving on. Don't force the sex but the discussion on the other hands, it really needs to occur.

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Studentech

Thanks for the reply's guys, honestly i had a feeling something along the lines of "if she hasn't put out by then, pack your shit up and move on" would appear. But I can't see myself ending a relationship that I'm otherwise very happy with just because she won't put out. There's also a few other things that i forgot to mention which probably factor into this greatly
First, she's only 16.
Second, I'm the first boyfriend that she's done anything more then kiss with, so bad experiences is out of play.
I'd also really like to rule out the possibility of sexual abuse, although it's supposedly possible.
She's also not into religion.
I think that the way I came across about our discussions is a bit off, we do talk but talking about sex makes her feel... exposed i think, it makes her uncomfortable.
What I'll do sooner rather than later is sit her down and talk about instead of having sex, if at least I can have a slice of the action. That way if she wants to wait with sex if she wants to, and I'll stop feeling rejected. However, I'm also suspicious whether or not she has a general fear of a penises. probably stemming from sex ed...
Anyway, I'll keep some of these things in mind, but any more input would also be appreciated.

lostgirl

She is probably just scared and unsure about it. I know I was at 16, and now I am a very horny girl.
I used to feel weird looking at a guys penis, because as a girl I was taught it was wrong. Now I stare at them any chance I get. I love cock!
Give her time and understanding and when she is ready she will open up to you.

Ayashe

Knowing her current age certainly changes things considerably. She is still fairly young, and probably doesn't feel like she is quite ready for that. She is sixteen, not really knowing how to discuss these things yet. At her age, people are rather quick to point a finger and call you a whore if you have sex, so needless to say talking about it may feel rather taboo.

In any case, your suggest at working this out is only going to add to the pressure. If sex is this important you are ready to step outside of the relationship to get your own action I imagine this will either A) push her into sex when she isn't ready B)push her away completely C) you will just hang where you can get your business done and forget about her. Mind you, perhaps I am not understanding you correctly in what you are trying to explain... Chances are though, that if she isn't ready to give you that certain something special she isn't going to be to pleased about you giving it to everyone else.

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ratbastid

You might also want to look into the statutory rape laws in your state. You may be dodging a bullet.

skizziks

why dont i meet girls like you?


ok dude, you have gotten some great advice, better than i could give. i'm still gonna say what i think though...

when i was a young'n much like yourself, i too had a girlfreind younger than me, possibly younger than your girlfriend, or same age. she was hesitant at first, but we took it slow and talked about it and she soon became extremely interested and curious. Im not suggesting she NEEDS to start having sex. What i´m trying to get across is, if you have been together for more than 6 months, ususally by then a girl will start to be experimental and curious. A year and a half? again, im not rushing you to have sex, and it would be awesome if you guys didnt, but by now there should at least be some kind of petting or something. there should be curiosity, you should at least be talking about it. if she is not, then there might be a problem. no matter how much you rule out sexual abuse, you cannot know for sure, even if she says no, it could have happened and she blocks it out.
some humans just are not into sex, but it seems to me, most at that age are naturally curious and want to try stuff or at least talk about it.
so if sex is important to you (and it should be, it is an important part of any relatoinship) i would just tell her she is awesome but not for you, and i would move on.

Studentech

More or less exactly what I needed to hear, thanks

Also Ratbastid; She was legal when I first started dating her thanks to the fact that I live in BC. When I started dating her, the age of consent was 14, read four-teen. Since then the age has been pushed up due to men coming to BC to have sex with younger girls. It's now 16, either way I'm safe.

And to Katyanna; Thanks for your input as well, I definitely will not start sleeping around simply because my SO isn't ready yet.

And yes, I do really care for her, so I'm willing to wait for her to be ready.
However, there had to be some sort of epiphanic experience? Some odd realization that sex isn't the devil's tool of temptation? or something similar. Either way, I honestly think that I've got a bit of waiting to do

Thanks again, and cheers. You'll all find out if something crazy happens

Slims

God, where are those Technical Virgin ads when you need them?

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Plan9

Yeah, it's called "another woman." You're 18. "Waiting for a girl" is lying to yourself about your current life goals.

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Anormalguy

I'll pretty much echo the advice that others (except maybe Crompsin) have offered. I do find it strange that y'all have been dating for 1.5 years, there is some sexual awareness in your relationship, yet she got upset when you asked if she wanted to have intercourse.

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Hyacinthe

I think you're being very sweet and understanding about this Studentech and it's nice to see that you want your first time to mean something to be with someone you actually like and care about.

Maybe that sounds silly, idealistically romantic and amazingly naive to the rest of you but I believe your first time SHOULD be with someone who means more to you then a convenient set of genitalia.

Maybe this is a bit personal but you said the two of you haven't had sex - does this include oral sex, have to ever tried mutual masturbation? Maybe she needs to become accustomed to your penis first - the first time you see a guy naked I have to tell you ti can be a bit scary, specially if the guy is well endowed, generally something along the lines of "what the hell, that will never freaking fit!" even if that response is completely illogical considering the elasticity of vaginal tissues.

Maybe she's afraid of the pain, a girls first time can be painful.

Or it could be any of the myriad reasons Katyanna gave you.

I would advise just one day when you're sitting down cuddling, maybe after you've just watched a movie or are talking NOT when you have been fooling around physically and asking her. Don't phrase it as a "do you want to have sex or not" type question - more enquire as to why she seems to be uncomfortable with you physically, what point she begins to feel uncomfortable and if there's anything you can do to help her feel better about it. Be prepared that there might be nothing you can do - if she's decided she wants to be a virgin on her wedding night for example there's really nothing you can do to change her midn that won't be putting pressure on her and it sounds as though you're really trying to avoid that.

If she feels that uncomfortable talking to you about it (hopes are she doesn't but ....) give her the addy for the forums - providing you're cool with her being on here) and get her to talk to some of the women on here. I'm sure we can convince her that penii that a thing to be chrished not feared.

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dlish

quoted for truth


cant really say anything more than what others have said.

hyacinthe would probably be the best person i'd look to advice on a lot of sexual issues.

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PonyPotato

His girlfriend is 16, so she would not actually be able to become a member of TFP and participate. She would, however, be able to read this thread as a lurker.

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snowy

It may be that she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

When I was not much older than her, I had a boyfriend, and we dated for almost a year. We made out occasionally but never went any further than that, mostly because I didn't want to. I didn't want him to be my first. I just wanted a boyfriend. Sex can add a lot of emotional ropes to a relationship, especially one that's been in existence for a while, and it can make things messy. That can be scary. I was scared.

A few months after we broke up, I met a guy who I was much more comfortable with in that regard, I felt ready, and we went for it. I was 19.

She's 16. You ought to wait until she is emotionally ready to have sex, because she might not be there yet, and you shouldn't pressure her to get there sooner, as it will just backfire on you. If she's really important to you, you'll wait. And no, there isn't some sort of big epiphany in regards to sex. It's more like you wake up one day and you realize you're ready to handle it in your current relationship. She may think you're not in that place yet, or she may think she herself is not in that place yet.

If she's not that important to you, and sex is more important, you should probably consider moving on.

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ItWasMe

You asked if she wanted to. Hun, that's how it's done. You ask, and either a)she accepts and you proceed, or b)she declines and you don't. You don't advance, retreat, or push. You enjoy where you're at. (and yes, I know girls can ask, too)

So forgive me, but I'm not following the part where you "know this was a rather awful way of going about this, and needless to say she got upset." It's been a while since I've been a 16 year old girl, but I have no idea why a girl who is already fooling around would get upset when asked if she wanted to go further. Unless she felt pushed or rushed for some reason. Some scenarios my friends and I heard long ago were "come on, all the other kids do it" ... "come on, we've been together a long time" ... "how long are you going to make me wait?" ... "WHY?" or "WHY NOT?" I am sure you are not that inconsiderate, which is good. Because those methods of persuasion can backfire. Girls can and do share information about which guys not to date because he has bad breath, he has a bad temper, or he is too damned pushy. Some of those guys had a little trouble getting dates later.

She's young, she's still figuring herself out. Just because she isn't comfortable talking about it with you, or doing it with you, doesn't mean she never thinks about it. It doesn't mean she has a "penis-phobia". But it sounds like you only talk about sex when you bring it up, knowing that you are going to receive a negative reaction. When you walk into the room, what do you hope goes through her head? What do you think goes through her head? Do you want to be the guy she mentally cringes from, thinking "here we go again"? That can happen more easily than you might think.

You might not mean to make her uncomfortable, but it sounds like you might have done that. It sounds like you do care about her, so I suggest this. Offer an apology for making her feel uncomfortable. Just assume that you did, even if you don't know what it was. Assure her that you won't push. Tell her to let you know if/when she wants to do more. Then just let her enjoy you and explore with you without worries of pressure.

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Studentech

Thanks for the huge post
And to answer your first question, no not at all too personal. I came on here to talk about it and I personally haven't ever been to shy about sexuality (blame Freud.)
Well, there's nothing that I was afraid to try with her, and I did everything she let me, so yes, that included oral sex and mutual masturbation (Me to her, like I've said, she's never touched my penis.)
Thanks for the offer to talk to her about this, but I think that she's had enough of me stressing sex on her. I'll just give more time to figure this out on her own. Who knows, I may end up sending her this way to lurk someday, regardless. Lord knows it did wonders for me

Thanks for the post
I know that sex is a huge step in a relationship and that's why I was so... careful about how to approach this all.
I'd like to think that it's not me personally, but just the thought of sex entirely that's putting her off of sex.
Yeah, I totally agree that I should wait, and I will. My intentions were never to pressure her into sex, but more so to find out the proper manner as to how to go about approaching this, and what would be the easiest from the girl's point of view.
Thanks, but this girl is very important to me, sex can wait.

I knew enough about first times to not just stick it in there and hope for the best, that's why I asked. I think she may have felt a bit pressured due to the fact that we were in the middle of one of our fits of passion.
I don't know if she thinks about it or not, and it's not exactly any of my business unless she wants to talk about it, in which case she knows I'm always receptive to talking.
And in all honesty? when I walk in the room I hope that she's happy, that she's had a decent day, and (if she has a playful look in her eyes)that whatever pounce is upcoming, doesn't immasculate me completely. And no, definitely not. which is why I've laid off of the sex talks as a whole for a while. And yes, I know I may have made her uncomfortable, but like I said, I'm just going to give her her time and hope for the best. And also just enjoy what I'm doing now.

Bear Cub

Fuck her sister. That'll show her.

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Hyacinthe

dlish thanks very much for your comment - it made me blush irl

PonyPotato you're right - I completely forgot about the age thing

Studentech

I actually meant in regards to her doing so to you (not exactly mutual masturbation if it's not mutual ) getting her used to your penis involves her seeing and touching it and realising that it's not scary - that it's not about to attack her at some point (sound ridiculous but most fears are illogical)

I still advocate the full blatant discussion - if she's not able to articulate why she's uncomfortable with sex you'll just have to lkeave it for a bit. I am a string believer that if you can't sit down and talk about sex with someone you shouldn't be having it (ofcourse that being said my SO and clients at work still find it amusing that I start blushing when they talk dirty)

It's nice to see that she means so much to you, comments like that give me alot more faith that human kind isn't destined to go down the moral gurgler.

In the mean time there's always porn after all!

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Acetylene

Penises can be extremely scary, like Hyacinth says. If you have touched and gone down on her, and she hasn't touched your penis at ALL, then she is scared of it for whatever reason.

When I was 16, I feared that A) If I touched a penis it would immediately impregnate me and B) If I touched a penis that would make me a whore. Neither of these is logical but that's what I thought.

My general fear of penis went away very quickly after touching one, but I did need to be persuaded to do so. He wasn't rude or pushy, but he explained that nothing bad would happen, and we wouldn't do anything I didn't want, but it would feel great if I would just hold it. Lo and behold, nothing bad happened.

I planned very specifically to wait until after I graduated high school to have sex. This delay was important to me. It was arbitrary, but I felt that after I reached that milestone I would be ready to cope with the potential consequences of sex, and not before.

I had a boyfriend for 3 years who knew about my sexual "due date" and waited patiently. After graduation I was good to my word and continued to date (and have sex with) him for 2 more years. He was an ass in a lot of other ways, and a colossal waste of time, but he WAS very patient and in this regard he was a good boyfriend and I appreciated that.

I happened to have a specific timeframe in mind, but she might not. You may be able to get her to define one that she feels comfortable with... start suggesting ridiculously faraway dates (Never...wedding night... 25th birthday) and let her narrow it down to something closer to truth.

Alternatively, you can try what my boyfriend did with me, and try to get her to just touch or hold your penis with no strings attached. Explain that nothing else will happen and you will still love her afterwards regardless, but you would really appreciate it. She should soon feel silly just holding a perfectly good, no-longer-scary penis and will look for something more interesting to do with it!

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Two words...



Wine Coolers.

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Starkizzer

That's the quickest way to get into my pants.

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curiousbear

I think she is young. Avoiding intercourse is normal. But she not even touching your member is a concern! And not willing to discuss it is real concern. It is good that you are not rushing

Introduce your penis to her very slowly and funfully. Have you rubbed your hardon on her front or rear while hugging and both are fully clothed? have you guys humped (imitate intercourse) with your inners on? Have you asked her to hold your fist (that is holding your penis) with both of her hands and control the strokes. like a game?

These things helped me out

You are still better off! Mutual Masturbation is still a strong fantasy of mine. I am 33! So be glad and continue to love her the way you do, cheers

walkdontwalk

So eager to deflower a 16-yr-old?

Keep in mind that you'll be shaping her views of sex for at least as long as your relationship lasts; that fact alone should cause you to wait until she was at least 10000% comfortable with the idea of being with you...

If you're willing to wait, best you find ways to keep yourself occupied until she comes around (internet porn, frozen turkeys, slamming it in a desk drawer etc, they all work).

If not, find yourself someone older and more experienced.

Neither choice is wrong - it all just depends on how you feel...

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abaya

Preface: I went through a religious phase in my teens. When I was 19, my first real boyfriend would get hard-ons through his jeans (poor thing, I think back now!!) and they scared me... I didn't really know what was going on, so I basically ignored them. We were together for a year and our pants never came off, once. It was only kissing and a little bit of boob-touching, but I wasn't even comfortable with that, after a while... I ratched back my boundaries pretty severely because I was so afraid of breaking the evangelical rules we were supposed to be living by. (I'm a pretty black and white person, I learned... I either follow the rules to the hilt, or I break 'em all.)

I did not really allow myself to become interested in sex and masturbation until I was 22 years old. I didn't encounter, let alone touch, an actual penis until I was 24. By that point, I was MORE than ready/eager to explore and get to know this new member in my life.

Are you willing to wait 8 more years? (I don't think it will take her that long, but seriously, you never know what is going on in their heads... for me, it was religion, but it could just as well have been something else.)

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Tully Mars

Sexual abuse is a bad experience therefore it's not "out of play." As much as you'd like to rule it out I don't see how you can without more info. Info that can only come from her. If she is a victim you're very, very likely the last person she's going to want to discuss the issue with, probably not going to want to discuss it with anyone. Victims of abuse often use denial as a coping tool. Teenage boys are more likely to engage this then girls, IMO. You can have the offender admitting to the acts on video, hell you can have the abuse on video, and a teenage boy will tell you that never happened or that's not me. I've seen girls do the same thing.

But just as you can't rule it out you can't know that's the issue either. You just don't have enough info. It could be as simple as many have stated- she's scared, it's her first time. She may just not want you to be her first time. She made just being having trouble going from "fooling around" to the "the big step." She may see touching or holding your penis as a line that she can't seem to cross.

As many have stated open honest communication between you and her in a non-sexual setting may yield the answers you need. And it may not. I'd go that route, if it doesn't at least lead to some answers I'd be rethinking the relationship. If it does and you do indeed love her then, even if the conversation doesn't resolve the issue completely, you at least have something to build on.

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Studentech

Thanks for your concern, but I truly believe that if she had been sexually abused that she'd be a lot more uncomfortable with anything remotely sexual. Instead I think that it's just more of the fact that a girl's first time can be scary.

I also think that some of you got the wrong message with this post. I'm not hopelessly desperate to get laid, I'm not hopelessly desperate to deflower my SO. All I wanted to know is what kinds of things girls can be afraid of for their first time. I had an idea that the penis being a scary (in their minds) organ was normal, but the things I've read on here helped me understand quite a bit and I think I have firm grounds to move forward with.

I'd like to thank everyone for being so receptive to yet another "I'm a virgin, having sex for the first time, What the hell do I do?!?!" thread, especially given the general immaturity of the topic.
So yeah, Thanks

Tully Mars

Why is this immature topic? It's something everyone does at some point (well most everyone.) You could approach it immaturely, from what I've read you are absolutely not taking that route.

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genuinegirly

List of things women virgins can be afraid of:
sheer size of male anatomy
concern over the pain involved
confusion as to what sex entails
insecurity (doesn't want to do something wrong)
doesn't want to deal with the religious concequences of going all the way
doesn't know quite what it would take to get pregnant and doesn't want to risk it
wondering if she's with the man she wants to remember as her first lover
concern over what her father/mother will do if he/she finds out

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Daniel_

I think this guy needs to talk to the guy last week who posted that his GF wanted sleeping pills and then used the worng name during sex.

On average they've got two perfect women!

/silly humour attempt.

Right - realistcally, if she's 16, maybe the answer is that she's also worried about "breaking the law". If age of conent in your burgh is 18, then it might be a huge deal for her.

It was for me - I had a chance when I was 15, with AoC being 16, and I literally couldn't tak the opertunity off the plate it was delivered on, so we spent the night tgether (at camp) petting, but not screwing.

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ItWasMe

Not necessarily afraid of, but concerned about.
I'll add:
you can't go back (undo the deed if you change your mind)
will someone walk in?
will he stop if she wants him to
wonders will he talk (bragging and ruining her reputation)?
doesn't want to be the first of her friends to take the plunge
wonders if he'll think less of her
does he really love her? does she really love him?

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bagmirror

Y'know, this sounds a lot like my boyfriend and I. We haven't been dating nearly as long, but it is basically the same situation.
I know everyone is different, but this is what bothers me:

-He is a lot older than I am and has boat-loads more of experience. I get afraid that I won't be as good as other girls he will be with and I will disappoint him.
-Just before I started dating him I fell in love for the first time. For real in love. It was a girl, actually, and I was head-over-heels for her. We dated twice. She cheated on me, talked behind my back, and treated me like dirt. The thought of being physical with anyone still horrifies me. I would be lying if I said I didn't still love her. I wasn't enough for her, but she didn't tell me until it was too late. I am afraid that will happen again.
-I am just a very nervous person. c:

Those are just a few reasons she might have for being afraid. I told my boyfriend for a long time I didn't know what was wrong, but we talk about it now. We talk about my feelings for my ex-girlfriend and my lack of experience compared to him. What he decided was to wait for me, and I think very highly of him for it. I trust him with my life.

If you love her, wait.
If not, you shouldn't pressure her into something she is going to regret when you are gone.