Masturbation in relationships
 

Hey all,

I'm currently engaged and getting married next year. My fiancee and I were listening to Frosty Heidi and Frank in the car yesterday and they were talking about how David Duchovney went to rehab for sex addiction. I had to run into the bank to make a deposit and somehow they got to talking about masturbating and such. As soon as I got back in the car my fiancee asked how often I masturbate. I told her once or twice a week depending on how much sex we've had and she seemed to get upset about it; but not right away. It was more of a simmering heat until later in the day. We had been having small petty arguments about nothing and it culminated when we came back home later that day and she mentioned how she can't satisfy me sexually, which is totally untrue. I'm a pretty horny guy (I'm 24 she's 26) and sometimes when I'm in the mood she shoots me down; but I'm ok with it and I move on. I just don't understand why it's upsetting and/or offending to some women when a guy says he masturbates in a relationship.

Now I have absolutely no problem with our sex life. I think its great. She's going back to school to be a teacher and I know it will have an affect on our sex life because she'll be spending a lot of time doing homework and reading.

My question to all of you who are currently in relationships is this: how often do you masturbate? Does your significant other know about it/care if you do it? It seems as though it kind of offended her that I masturbate. She keeps asking me why I feel the NEED to do it, which in her mind means that she's not satisfying me sexually. Now I don't know about the rest of you but I don't see it as a problem if I want to spank it by myself, even while in a serious relationship. I would say it has virtually no affect on our sexual relationship and in fact it makes me want to have sex with her even more. What do you guys think? Am I wrong here? Is there a piece of puzzle that I'm missing?

How often: anywhere from twice a day to twice a week. Depending on how much quality time we've spent that week and how horny I am that day. I've been known to masturbate even on the days we've been together.

Does she know: yes, she does and has no problems with it.

I personally have never been with a girl that minded me masturbating, so it's kind of weird to me as well.

I used to be just like her. It's her insecurity speaking. When I was younger and I caught my boyfriend masturbating, I felt crushed. It made me feel as though I wasn't satisfying him. I took it personally and even made him promise not to do it again. :eek:

At the time, I didn't know any better and never discussed it with anyone. It wasn't until I was older and more open sexually that I found that nothing could have been further from the truth. My self-esteem had grown and I was open to discussion.

Now? :shy: Sometimes I love to watch him masturbate over me ... :p

it depends on the situation. i'd say, generally, masturbation in or out of a relationship is totally healthy. in my case, i masturbate nearly every night, though, BECAUSE i'm unsatisfied sexually. and yes, i'm in a relationship.... and he doesn't seem to give a shit one way or the other. sigh. oh well...

I have a great girlfriend right now, and we have a ton of incredible sex. That said, I still rub one out at least a couple of times a week, no harm, no foul.

Partly, it's just 'cause I'm so horny. But also, it's 'cause I like to j/o. It's quality "me" time, completely different than sex. If I'm having sex it's because I want to be intimate with the person I'm having sex with: it's about experiencing them, being with them. But if I'm shaking hands with the ol' pocket monster, it's because I want to relax, fantasize, play around by myself (with myself). Apples and oranges, my friend.

I have always been up-front in my relationships that I j/o, and it has nothing to do with the gf. And I have never yet been with a girl that minded: the reactions have generally run the gamut from "Sure, I understand, I'm the same way" to *smile, roll eyes, shake head with mock exasperation, and say* "Fuckin' horndog!"

We do it together and separately. We do it together at least once a week in lieu of sex or as a warm-up act, and we do it separately several times a week. Like jewels, I like to watch him do it. And I need to get off too--sometimes all I want is to get off without another person involved--so why would I hold masturbation against him? I would be an incredible hypocrite if I were offended by his masturbatory habits.

Snowy said it before I could--I've been married for almost 2 years now, and before that together for 2.5 years, and masturbation has never been a problem.

Do it every day. Every. Day. Usually in the shower, sometimes a second time later on if it's one of those days, and sometimes a 3rd or 4th.

I often do it after sex when I hit the shower a couple of hours later or whenever. When I smell her constantly because she's all over me, it drives me wild.

She knows about all of it, and even when she's not in the mood she'll oblige me in ways similar to panty sniffing, but better :)...or in ways I don't openly talk about on the web ;). Oh and we've been married almost 12 years.

with the last ex at the start of the relationship i stopped completely but as the trouble brewed more and more i´d prefer funtimes with myself over sexing her. by this point i really didn´t care what she thought about it and wasn´t about to ask her opinion either.

I think the real issue is probably all the other stuff, and the whacking it just put it over the edge.

Masturbation is natural. I would go as far to say that it is not a substitute for sex with your partner. It is something else entirely.

Yup, exactly. It's "me" time that has nothing to do with your partner.

Been with the wife for 12 years, great sex life, but still - we both need a little time to indulge ourselves without concern about how the other feels.

I'm known to doing anywhere from one to 3 times a day. Mostly cause, well, having relationships across the country suck (things will be changing hopefully soon :)) and I don't get to have that time with her yet :( She knows that I do it and I know that she does it, and its no biggie here.

I've found that when I'm in relationships masturbating is really detrimental. I've got a LOT of porn, and jerk off pretty often, usually 5-6 times a week, sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less. I've found that sometimes if I've jerked off within 12-24 hours I can't orgasm when I'm having sex with a girlfriend. Furthermore, the constant exposure to porn desensitizes me to my partner...when I get bored of porn clip I just keep browsing til I find something interesting...can't do that as easily with girlfriends. I've decided that with my next girlfriend, I'm going to a) not masturbate or expose myself to porn at all so that I will remain interested in sex and enjoy it more than I have in the past, and b) wait at least a month or more before having sex. I've had so many one night stands I've literally lost count of my partners, probably somewhere in the range of 25+ women, and I've never waited longer than a week or two to have sex when I've been in a relationship.

In fact, oftentimes the impetus for starting the relationship in the first place is my desire to have sex. If you can masturbate and keep a good sex life more power to you, but I for one have a hard time and am going to try taking a different path the next time around the block.

Masturbation within the context of a relationship serves two purposes. First off, it serves as a bridge of sorts. It's very very (very very) rare for two people to have the exact same sex drive. If I want sex every day and my lover girl wants it every other day, then I can always just rub one out on the off days to keep myself happy without her having to do something she's not overly interested in.

Quite apart from that, it does serve as 'me time,' as has been noted and explained already.

In either case, the only time it's unhealthy is if it begins interfering with other aspects of your life, be they social, professional or sexual.

I'd wager your fiancee was already having doubts about her performance in the sack. Her overreaction to your masturbation is more to do with her than you. You might try suggesting that couple's therapy would be a good idea; it generally is before tying the knot anyway, since any minor issues you have now are more likely to get worse after marriage.

It really is just an insecurity thing. She needs some reassurance - from you - that she's giving you enough. I'd say the most important piece of information to her is this: you will never prefer whacking it to being with her, given the option. Make sure she knows, it's like getting a back rub - you time, relaxing time, that's it.

Clearly whacking it is not a concern in my relationship. No secrets, no worries, it's all good.

My wife knows that I masturbate, & I know that she likes to spend some 'special time' with her favorite toy. It's no big deal, we're very open with each other and have been married 21+ years.

A related digression--I had a testicular infection a few years back that required a hospital stay involving extremely potent antibiotics. In my follow-up care my urologist said that ejaculation every two days (with my wife or alone) was healthy because it cleaned out my male plumbing and kept my testicles from laying around doing nothing. So I'm just following the doctor's orders :lol:.........

my gf never masturbates. I do it for her.
but i do it a lot, and some times she does it to me too.
if we hadnt done anything together for a while and if she finds out I masturbate, it hurts her.
we are still far away from the comfort level of watching each other doing it themselves

My 2cents on your situation:
Encourage her to learn how to pleasure herself. People are only afraid of what they don't understand.

My experience:
I masturbate. I enjoy being self-sufficient sexually. I like the fact that I can give myself an orgasm. It is an incredible help when Tt is away on business, or when he's determined to make me orgasm and can't quite get it right himself (it's tricky, I admit).

I like it when Tt masturbates. It's a turn-on.

How I view masturbation:
A basic need, not a point of infidelity.
If my husband were to masturbate with another woman physically present in the room, then I'd probably consider it unfaithful.

"My 2cents on your situation:
Encourage her to learn how to pleasure herself. People are only afraid of what they don't understand."

for who?

"If my husband were to masturbate with another woman physically present in the room, then I'd probably consider it unfaithful."

if he does while watching porn, or chatting with a online friend? is that unfaithful too? if the another person is a man, is it still unfaithful?

My ex loved the fact I jerked off. She said she got off on it and liked to watch.



My new girl isn't a fan of masturbation at all. And said I'm kind of a pervert for looking at so much porn. But whatever... I'm not gonna stop tossing off to lesbians fuckin' each other with with 12inch dildos.

For my wife and I, porn and masturbation would be a strong topic. I don't typically jerk to porn, so doing so might piss her off. I however would love to see her get off to porn, but she doesn't. Chatting with a chick online and jerking? Haha no way, that would be bad. Maybe not truly unfaithful, but damn close. With another dude? Probably the same. If she chatted with a chick to get off, I would probably see if she wanted to invite her over. This is definitely a one-sided issue for us in that respect. If she chatted with another guy, I would flip out as bad as her.

Curiousbear, why do you ask these things?

I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand your question.

I don't consider it cheating if he watches porn. Nor do I consider it unfaithful if he jacks off with with someone via internet (no unwanted pregnancies). Nor do I consider it cheating if it's with a man (no unwanted pregnancies). What he considers faithful is up to him. He's the one that has to deal with his conscious. Perhaps my morals are tilted. Oh well, works for me.

Married for 14 years. Something between once and twice a day over that entire period. A month ago, when we were bumpin' uglies 2 out of three days, the average dropped, but, now that schools back in session (she teaches) I expect to be at the high end of my range for the next few months while she eases back into the job.

If she were always available and consistently better than my imagination, then manual override wouldn't be enjoyable. But she's a teacher, and we have two school aged kids, so availability is an issue (for the next 9 months), and I have a Very Good Imagination.

Frankly my SO thinks it is pretty hot if he hears that I was hot and bothered and needed to masturbate. It doesn't bother either of us in the least.

You are not wrong in the least. It is your right to masturbate as frequently as you wish, and if she has a problem with it, that's an issue on her side. Since you're in a relationship with this woman and intend on marrying her, obviously it needs to be worked through, but realize that it is an issue of her making.

If you are able to sit her down and explain your innocent reasons for masturbating, assuring her that you're just horny (not a reflection on her inability to get you off), perhaps the rationale will seep through and she can calm down.

As for myself, I masturbate on a near daily basis, sometimes taking care of the urge twice or thrice. My girlfriend enjoys knowing that I am relieving myself, regardless of whether or not she's present.

I'd say anywhere from daily to weekly. It's semi long distance at the moment, and if anything, she encourages it. I know she does it, and I'm totally cool with it. I guess I don't understand the people who get freaked out by it.

:eek:

Sorry.

/silly

OK - I think most men masturbate at some time even when they're in a sexually satisfying relationship. It's not a subject that crops up much in cinversation, however, I've never heard any of my contemporaries deny it.

Dear God, Crompsin, I missed you.

I think people that don't get into this are insecure in the sack. I think its a societal issue, given we don't talk about sex positive relationships with others and yourself. This type of sex education would help out lots of people, however, this is left up to people in relationships to discover and foster, and I'd bet 9/10 people never find that. Its sad really.

Well he masturbates 2-3 times a day still at 45 yrs of age, I don't always know when he does but when I catch him I try to make it fun for both of us. I masturbate, like your self about 2-3 times a week and we try to have sex with "each other that the same time" at least 1 time per week and of course we both have our ups and downs where sometimes it's more often and less on other weeks.

addiction is only an addition if it prevents you from normal life functions.....i.e. you didn't pick your kids up on time from school because you where home masturbating, you didn't pay your bills because you where masturbating.....that is addiction!

In my bf's early 40's he was masturbating 5 times a day sometimes which I loved.

To me it looks like she is addicted to the thought of you masturbating because it's preventing her from enjoying your sexuality. my two cents
-----Added 10/9/2008 at 11 : 52 : 26-----
P.S. you only go through life once! have some fun