MaxPowers

I know the whole deal with "Why are you letting total strangers make life changing decision?" But this is mostly just venting.
Background story:
Married the girl of my dreams. She was so nice and sweet and we had a lot in common. She did not have many friends, she didn't get out much other than work. She smoked pot like once a week with a friend from work (a much older man, no competition to me) I deployed to Afghanistan for 3 months. While I was gone she made a lot more friends, and started smoking weed every day. I hate the stuff. Her smoking buddies were always guys. Put a lot of stress on our relationship. Came to the point where she didnt hang out with me, all she wanted to do was smoke with her friends. Her personality turned to the pot head wana be gangster. Total turn off. So we separated, and the first night I caught her in bed with another guy, one of her smoking buddies. So it ended there. One of her closest friends told me about 1 possibly 2 other guys she cheated on me with while we were married and I was at various military schools.
So we divorced and she has been trying to get back with me sense. Saying how she has changed and wants me back. We have stayed good friends.

Today:
I am deployed to Africa. I go home in September for a couple weeks. She is crying for me to come visit her for a couple days. (5 hour drive from where I will be staying) I love her to death and would love to get back with her if I KNEW it would work. However, she still smokes pot and she still is always hanging out with other guys that she claims are not her boyfriends just friends. Like the other day I tried messaging her and some guy that was at her house by himself (takes a lot of trust for her to let someone to do that) messaged me back about how he is "keeping the pussy wet while I am gone" This was like a week after she said she wasn't going to do anything until I got there because she wanted to be with me. But that guy and other guys still hang out with her. All her smoking buddies. She said he was "just kidding".
So she wants me to come visit her and see if we can make it work. But if her way of life is what it seems, then I know it wont. She says she can change but she has said that for the past 8 months. If I have it my way, it would be a total lifestyle change from what she is currently doing. I could try to go over there, but if she pisses me off and I want to leave, its either a hotel or 5 hour drive back.
I just don't trust her and I told her that. I know what most of yals advice will be. not to talk to her anymore because she has cheated on me before, but I really want to see her again. What advice do you have? Such as questions to ask her or whatever.
Maybe I am just kinda freaked out because I have never had a girlfriend in the past with boys as every day friends. How do you deal with that?

MSD

That's it. Jealousy is one thing if it's unfounded, but you know she cheated once, and are pretty sure you did another time or two. Why would you go back for more?

PonyPotato

She broke your trust once (or a few times) and continues to indulge in behavior that contributes to her not being WORTHY of trust. Why would you even consider going back?

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snowy

Yeah, she needs to show you she's serious about this and change her lifestyle prior to you even thinking about taking her back, but clearly she hasn't done this. Sounds like she's all talk, buddy. It's probably time to move on.

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pig

Max:

You say you've stayed "good friends." If I were you, I would ask myself what that means, first. Second, I would focus on "staying good friends." You can't change her. Don't try to change her. It's a waste of your time. If you decide to visit her ( and I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad idea -depending on your mindset going into your visit) don't expect anything out of it other than getting to connect with your ex. From what you've described, the damage done to your relationship takes a long time to heal, and it won't happen with a single visit, and it may not be that y'all can be "together." She started engaging in behavior that destroyed your relationship, and cheated on you while you were on duty. She should be the one wanting to come visit you. I can see advantages to you seeing her in her normal element, in terms of you reaching closure on this situation. However, in terms of building a new relationship, I don't see that happening while she's smoking out every day, and more importantly hanging out with a group of people that make you uncomfortable, engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable, and possibly having sex with other guys. All I can say is that I don't see a happy ending to this situation, based on what you've posted. At least not happy in the way I think you want. I think closure would be a happy ending, but that's not what you're hinting at. She would have to make a decision, I think it would involve a lifestyle change for her, and that kind of abrupt change is difficult to maintain, if she was willing to try at all. How comfortable would you be after you went back to your deployment? She would most likely be bored. She'd be smoking herb all day. She'd be hanging out with the guy who is jokingly "keeping the pussy wet" for you. And Goddamn! That's a funny joke. Exactly the kind I would pull on my friend's ex-husband, whom I've (presumably) never met. Jesus, that guy is a real card.

What I'm saying is that if you decide you want to go see her, do it for your own reasons. Do it so you can see how she's doing. Do it so you can see if she's ok. Hell, do it so you can take some downtime, and tell her you're not interested in a bunch of melodrama. You've got limited time while you're on R&R, and you don't want to meet all her friends and have a BBQ. Do it with no expectations of a great reunion, where you settle down to have a fabulous life together. Do it with the expectation that you may be saying goodbye to that period in your life.

Anything else is just gravy. I wouldn't expect too much.

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canuckguy

Someone needs to take a pipe wrench to the druggie who sent you that text message. That is no joke, I could see if your at work around the corner instead of around the world!

Mate you can do so much better, if you go back with this girl she'll continue to walk all over you. Move on to someone more productive in live, she is a negative influence.

I hope it works out the way you want in your head. But you'll be looking back at this girl years from now thanking yourself for dumping her.



/cheating with a soldiers wife/husband to me seems lower than just standard cheating.

Ilow

It sounds like you are lacking the confidence to say "I know that I will be able to find a great girl who loves me in the future." This may be the reason why you choose to stay in touch with a wretched person who does not respect you and makes very poor life choices. You have made a very respectable life choice to serve our country and (I am assuming) be an upstanding citizen, while she has allowed herself to participate in maladaptive behavior with unseemly individuals. I don't know you but I can absolutely assure you that you can do better.

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Cernunnos

I would be running for the hills, personally. She has continually failed to make any good on her promise to change her lifestyle for the better and has fucked around multiple times, from the sound of things. She needs to realize how damaging it is for her to hang out with that crowd. Unfortunately, you are unable to stage any sort of intervention, given that her entire support group is comprised of fellow stoners (some of which have been in her pants).

After visiting and assessing the situation, I suggest offering an ultimatum. She can choose you or the lifestyle she currently leads. Any flip flopping will result in the permanent termination of the relationship. You've already expressed to us that you will not tolerate her friends or her habit, so tell it to her straight and be specific with what you want changed.

Stick to your guns, above all. Don't get sucked back into a shitty situation. If she can't handle your offer and fails to abide by the ultimatum, remove her from your life.

You may not be able to follow through on that last bit, but it's what you should do.

paparora

For the record, staying friends or even worse "good friends" does not help the cause. Looking at what has happened, you need to forget about her. You cannot forget about her because you have feelings for her, these feelings will not go away until you move on. Even when you call each other friends, you will still like her as more than a friend (this will interfere with you finding a new life without her). Forget about her completely, move on and find a different woman. There are plenty of faithful woman in this world man, granted more and more are becoming whores these days. But then again, us guys have been whores always.

Simply put, find someone else. Break off everything with this girl.

Clermont

Ok, you clearly can't trust her for a real relationship. Anything long term or meaningful is doomed. It seems fair to just treat her like a fuck buddy though, since that's how she's treated you. It keeps the stench of desperation off you while you're hunting for someone better. Be up front about it and let her know that there's no long term potential.

paparora

Nah man, if he has feelings for her..fucking her is not gonna do anything. It'll just make it harder for him to get over her. Dude this guy is in the military, he can just go to a bar and score dimes without any problem.

Forget about her completely!

Borla

Please see the signs that she is self-destructive, untruthful, and untrustworthy, and RUN!

The problem isn't having a girlfriend that has guys as her close friends. The problem is a girlfriend/wife who lies, has obviously let drugs control her life, cheats on you (and probably did WAY more than you suspect imo), and has no drive to better herself in life.

I wouldn't give her the time of day until she does a 180* and cleans up and improves her life on her own. I'm assuming she doesn't have the greatest career going for her if she smokes pot every single day?




I know there are functioning drug users out there who don't allow it to ruin their families, careers, lifestyle, etc., but it doesn't appear that she is capable of being one of them. Instead it compounds her problems (and probably is a viscious cycle including low self esteem). If you stick around, she'll be like a dead weight around your neck, dragging you down with her.

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Ropespierre

Simple, don't do it.

ASU2003

I don't think I would trust any guy 'friends' of a girl. If she asked them 'Want to do it?', 99% of the time they would say yes.

Spartanx9

She broke your trust man. Best not to be put through that heartbreak again.

Ayashe

I would think that coming home for a two week R & R that is a lot of burden to bring back with you. I would suggest that you take the time with your family and friends, tell her you would like to continue to talk but you are not ready to reconnect with her at this time. Use the time in your deployment to communicate with her and feel out the situation. Tell her your concerns, tell her what you are willing to put up with. I am not big on ultimatums but she committed an awful offense in my opinion. Don't let her crawl back into your life again without some efforts on her part to make a change.

I can understand your love, I have been in a similar situation myself. I took the time, kept up communications with my special someone and eventually we worked it out. It still is not where it used to be, probably will never be quite the same. There has been a lot of shared communication, anger, discussions on the reasoning behind the cheating. It was a mistake, but he otherwise has been a wonderful man to me and it was impossible for me to overlook that fact.

As for the joke text from the asshole, that sort of thing should not be tolerated in the least. Anyone who knows anything about respect should know that there is no such thing as a harmless joke about playing around when a couple is separated by deployment. He should have his "parts" nailed to a wall for that comment.

Wyodiver33

I spent 8 years in the USAF, Special Ops. I went through two marriages. I cheated, and so did they. It's hard. Once trust is broken it can take years to get it back. Often, it will never be back. Sad, but true.

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Push-Pull

Fuhgedaboudher. And move on. That is all.

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Cynthetiq

why?

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ItWasMe

You need your 2 weeks to relax, recharge, be happy. That is what this time if for. Not for stressing yourself out more before going back to the military.

You're going to go see her and find out the hard way if you choose to, no matter what anyone else says. That's okay. My advice is to, first, hide your money! If you decide to give it another shot, don't provide access to your bank account. You are such a catch for a druggie and her buddies...a soldier on deployment. someone who isn't around to spend their money, isn't around to bug them about being on drugs, someone who isn't around to monitor their level of faithfulness around other men. My husband saw alot of this crap when he came back from deployment (from other soldiers' wives, not from me ) Keep your heart close right now.

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Daniel_

One for the reject pile I think.

She's cheated on you, and you're away a lot.

Not a good recipe.

A guy who puts himself in harm's way needs to have someone to rely on at home, not someone he's worried about.

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canuckguy

Just so I understand, no women in your life can be friends with a dude? So I take that your not allowed to be friends with any women then too?

uncle phil

i wanted to say "ditch the bitch," but she's already been kicked to the curb...

keep her there and find someone worthy...

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Impetuous1

Should you give her a chance? Only if you like drama, heart brake and suffering. I would think your life is hard enough without that shit to deal with. Time to move on.

Also, as much as I would like to believe, you can't change people. In addition to that, some people only change when given the proper motivation. By staying in touch with her, IMO you probably haven't provided her with that.

KirStang

Keep your distance.

Wyodiver33

Run, don't walk. Trust me. Please, trust me. Think.

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telekinetic

Thank the Lord you didn't make any babies with this cheating wench, cut ties, burn bridges, block her number, take her off your friend's lists, block her emails, and MOVE ON.

Jozen-Bo

Maybe an open relationship will work?

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CamC53

You should not do it.... from personal experience

skambete

Once a cheater, always a cheater. It has nothing to do with the smoking pot. It has to do with who she is as a person.

That said - thanks for serving your country - but at the same time, maybe you being gone for 3 months was more than she could handle. Maybe if you really want it to work, YOU need to be there for her.

Wyodiver33

Nothing will work. Move on. Don't be stupid. People here, including me, have tried to help you. Just Move On! No woman is worth it if she doesn't have your back. And skambete, there are a lot of things you don't understand about the military, no offense.

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skambete

None taken.

I'm just pointing out the fact that there are always two sides to every story. There's probably a reason she cheated & it probably has to do with the OP not being there - regardless of reason. I was just pointing that out.

Wyodiver33

Hearts can heart, no matter what. But once you get hurt, just turn away. And don't look back. Go on to the next woman. Life is too damned short to be dealing with idiots who don't get the big picture.

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lotsofmagnets

methinks this should be in tilted life. for what it´s worth i agree with pig.

also if she really wants you so badly then she should be prapared to make drastic lifestyle changes and keep them otherwise it´ll all end the same. but chances are everybody else is right: wish her a happy rest of her life and move on as she´ll probably never change.

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Nisses

From an egocentered POV: what do you possibly get out of this relationship if you do start over.

From a bystander POV: once a cheater, always a cheater is maybe a bit harsh, but not too far from the truth.
It would take alot of effort and alot of time together I think to rebuild your trust.

Both of which you can't offer at the moment.

Combined with her pot-smoking and current attitude, you don't exactly align well with eachother (anymore), which I consider a key element for a long relationship.



Let her get her own life on track. Then and only then can you even consider if it's worth getting back together.

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mia_ad

Hi maxPowers, welcome in the club. Got a similiar situation. Just that I am pregnangt from my cheating boyfriend. Don't know either what the right solution is. Funny, he also smokes pot like crazy, even worse, he doesn't communicate and that makes it harder, because you never know what to expect. I know that he hasn't been honest many times. Sometimes I wonder how many sicknesses he might have and hopefully he didn't pass anything on to me yet. But do we really need partners who aren't worthy to trust at all? I for myself like to have a partner I can be very open with (also sexually), but how can you do this with someone dishonest like that? If there is no trust, then nothing can work in a relationship, that's at least my opinion. Wish you my best...

Nisses

The being pregnant would sort of erase most of that hope I would think.


Get yourself tested today rather than tomorrow. For you as well as the child.

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Anormalguy

Move on, & don't look back.

Iliftrocks

I wasn't in the military, but grew up sandwiched between two military towns, so I've seen a lot of this first-hand. My first suspicion is that she's gonna try to lure him in for some good ole unprotected sex, and pop a baby out. Might be his, or not......

I have had a lot of empathy for the military guys, but they seem to make these kinds of choices way too often.......

Ditch her bud, she's bad news. If she didn't even hang out with you, and smokes pot, which you hate, what do you have in common? Love? Love isn't enough. Relationships require work and dedication. I don't believe SHE knows that.

Good luck dude.

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DubYa

Going thru a similar situation myself. That's how I wound up on this thread.
Found out my old lady with "talking" to another guy who happened to be a friend of hers and a semi-acquaintance of mine (never really liked him, kind of a scumbag). Talking all day and all night (she works midnight turn) Apparantly, he was alot closer to her than me. They've been "talking" since February and she had always insisted that they weren't doing anything else. And I can tell you, 99% of the people she talks to on her cell phone (which is never more than an arm's length away from her) are men. I've always had a problem with it and she knows it. "Don't worry. They're only friends." Anyhow, I never believed her that nothing was going on and she eventually tells me that she was indeed sleeping with the guy. Problem I have is I have a baby to worry about, also.
Take some advice buddy, ditch the bitch before you're in over your head. I know it's hard to let go, but you gotta do it.