boobmandan

Hey all - time to share my story. My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to two years now, and we're "stuck" on handjobs and fingering. She seems uncomfortable with giving head. It's hard to describe how she feels, since she won't come out and fully tell me. She thinks it's strange, and she's not one for trying new things, unfortunately. I've gotten her to lick around a bit, but she's still hesitant to put my penis in her mouth. We're pretty intimate (a bit less frequent than I'd like, but that's a different thing altogether), and have a very close relationship. The sexual aspect is what's holding it back, though. She also won't let me perform oral on her... She says she's very uncomfortable with her "area," even though she's admitted to me that she's masturbated in the past (very infrequently, and I don't think she's done it at all since we've been dating).

I could live with the fact that we haven't got to the oral stage if she was willing to have sex. We're in a very committed and close relationship, like I said, and we're both virgins. She had a bad experience in the past - her cousin was very promiscuous in high school and got pregnant/had miscarriages twice. So I think she's afraid of getting pregnant, even though she's on birth control (the patch), and I would be more than willing to use a condom. I think the #1 issue is that she's uncomfortable with her vagina. I haven't even seen it since we've been dating, and I think that's a bit ..abnormal after two years. So I am getting more and more frustrated as time goes on, and I'm just not sure what to do. Any suggestions?

Cynthetiq

are you living together or still in school? when did you start dating in HS?

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boobmandan

We're both 21 years old. Met freshman year at college, we're both juniors now. I live in an apartment where I have my own private room, so that's not an issue.

Edit: Forgot to mention that she regularly has orgasms (occasionally multiples) when I'm fingering her. So it's not like she's not getting anything out of it.

Starkizzer

I'd have her look into the patch. I'm pretty sure alot of doctors won't prescribe it anymore because of the side effects. I thought they had taken it off the market and one of my friends tried to use it awhile back and had some really bad mood swings and felt "odd" while she was using it.

As far as the sexual side of it, my roomie has admitted that she doesn't like oral either. She says she thinks its weird and it grosses her out to think of all the germs. I have tried to tell her that if the people are clean then there is no problem but she still can't get over the way she feels. So I don't thing your girlfriend is alone in her thoughts.

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Push-Pull

Sorry I don't have much to offer except for this....

Don't let yourself believe that marrying her will improve the situation.

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soldsoul4foos

I would start with getting her a prescription for ambiens. j/k. Actually, something that would make her a little less inhibitted might not be a bad idea. So she can more comfortably experiment. Lastly, you could just tell her you want to see other people and see what happens.

Martian

Some folks call it alcohol.

The right environment might help. You could try the whole romantic dinner thing; candle light, a nicely set table, a glass of wine or two, etc. It's cheesy, but sometimes it does work. If I'm going to be honest, though, I don't really think it will in your situation. It sounds to me like she's uncomfortable with her body and/or sex in general, and I don't think you can fix that with a little romance. This is not something you can fix overnight, or at all for that matter. You can help, but it's up to her to face her issues and deal with them. This is why we call them her issues, and not your issues.

Out of curiosity, have you ever had a frank discussion with her on the matter? It might help you both to explore a little bit into why she feels the way she does and how it makes you feel in turn, rather than just guessing or asking a group of people who've never met the girl (ie, us).

Mind, these are just my disjointed 2 am thoughts. I do not ever profess to hold all the answers. So take it how you will.

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JumpinJesus

It could be that being a virgin at 21 that's she's built up sex into something that makes her nervous as hell. It could also be that she just doesn't like giving head. I've heard legends of women out there who don't like it. It's weird, I know, but it's true. Is it that she just doesn't like giving head or does she not like receiving it, either?

I think this is key. If she likes receiving, then I think you can find compromise. If she doesn't like receiving, then you have to start thinking about if this is something you are willing to put up with for the long haul.

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boobmandan

Martian - I have brought it up in conversation two or three times, and I've gathered what information I wrote in my original post. The conversation is filled with a lot of "I just don't know's" and "I know, but..." and other uncertainty. She knows that it's an issue, and she's supposedly "working on it," but I think these are some deep psychological things that obviously take a lot of time.

I'm also very hesitant to share how it truly makes me feel (that I've seriously contemplated dumping her, etc...), because I have in the past and she gets very embarrassed that she's not living up to expectations and it makes her feel bad. It's actually one of the more frustrating things in our relationship, because I think of all these mean things to say that explain how I feel, but censor myself when we talk. *laughs* It makes me hostile, almost, but I try not to bring it out on her. I think my next step is going to try to change things up when I'm fingering her. Without fail, it's always been where we're laying side by side, her on her back, me on my side. And I'm reaching down. I think if I try to move so I'm down between her legs she might be a little bit more comfortable. (Not to mention I'll have a much better angle to try some G-spot stimulation). I won't force things, of course, but I think this could at least make some progress... I think I'll try to give up on the idea of having sex for our two year anniversary (next week).

JJ - she's never received oral sex. I forgot to mention that she's never had any other intimate partners besides for me. So she has no idea what she's missing. She won't let me try.

Thank you all for your help. I look forward to more responses =)

Daniel_

Tie her up and bang her stupid.

It works in porn movies.

Then again, it MIGHT be classed as rape...


[I bring nothing to the table ]

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ASU2003

Have you seen her in a swim suit? It sounds like she has body image issues (maybe just of the vaginal area), but you need to make her feel comfortable with her body and showing it to you, with the lights on. Maybe you two could take a shower together or something.

I would be looking into some therapy/sex therapy to help her get over any problems she has with intimate acts. If she doesn't want to do that, watch enough porn to desensitize her.

boobmandan

She actually has a really nice body, and yes I've seen her in a swimsuit. I'm say she has a nice body because I'm dating her, I mean she's genuinely very attractive =P So yeah, I think it's just some issues with being comfortable with her vagina...

jewels

You think she's afraid? The pregnancy issue should be nil since she's on birth control and you're even willing to use a condom. The "yeah, but" is usually a prelude to a weak argument. You say you have an intimate relationship so she should be willing to tell you what fears, if any, she has.

If it's a legit discomfort, I can only ask if she's been abused or raped in any way, or possibly been told something as a child that's still impacting her. An in-law of mine had her first wedding annulled because she was so tense and wound up, her new husband couldn't relax her enough to enter her. As a child, an aunt used to tell her (I can't recall exactly what it was) something horrible would happen if a man entered her. (It took some years and therapy to get past this, but she's fine now.) Not saying this is the case, but "yeah, but" doesn't sound like a conversation-ender, but more like a conversation that needs to get started. It could be as simple as she just needs to grab a mirror and take a look at what she's got.

You shouldn't have to think you know what might be the problem. You should know the answer after two years - maybe you just need to ask?

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MSD

I'll give even odds on strict religious upbringing, 1.5:1 on childhood sexual abuse. Betting opens now.

You're on completely different pages and that's not healthy for a relationship. She almost certainly has serious psychological issues that require extensive professional help if you don't want the relationship to end badly.

albania

Werd. I was thinking sexual abuse myself (parenthetically (which I suppose I don't have to announce if I actually use a parenthesis) this reminded me of loveline callers way back when I used to listen to loveline).

Back on topic now, have you thought of therapy for her. This to me would indeed be a big issue. It seems as though she has no "logical" reason, like religious or what have you, for abstinence. Which means she either has an innate aversion to sex, highly unlikely, or some trauma in her childhood like sexual abuse(which she may have even suppressed) has left a lingering impact.

You mentioned that you were in college if so you're in luck. Most decent sized colleges have pretty well equipped student health services where you can get therapy either for free or pretty close to it. I know that my university(in the northeast) offers single, couples and group therapy for somewhere around 10-30 $ per session. See if you can take advantage of this. It may be that she finds it difficult to open up to you and a professional might have better luck, or perhaps she has no actual problems. But, guess what, therapy doesn't hurt you one bit.

TotalMILF

The patch was never taken off the market. Since it has higher levels of hormones, however, it can slightly increase the risk of blood clots compared to other forms of hormonal BC. Smokers and those prone to blood clots should avoid it. If you're healthy, it shouldn't matter.

But LCfedup may have a point: perhaps taking her off of The Patch would help the situation a little bit. Maybe put her on Yaz or OTC-low (or some other low-dose hormonal BC). It could be that her BC is taking what little sex drive she may have had and squelching it. *shrug* Just a thought.

I also agree with what others are saying about the body image thing. Has she considered counseling? Most universities will give you a few sessions for free, and each session thereafter is pretty darn cheap.

Honestly, if you can't be physically intimate in an exclusive relationship with a woman that you love.... that's a huge red flag. Sexual intimacy is a HUGE part of any relationship and I bet 99% of TFPers will agree with me when I say that lack of sexual intimacy will ultimately DOOM a relationship. I can say that from experience.

Good luck

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Willravel

A romantic relationship, yes.

Ustwo

Son, what in tarnation are you doing?

Two years of sex that wouldn't even qualify as sex if a democrat were in the white house and you are now asking strangers for help? Its time for you to see if this philly is just shy and virginal, or isn't playing with a full jar of molasses. A lot of women seem to view their private parts as unclean as silverware in New York city, and feel guilty and frightened about enjoying it. You need sit her down and get her to tell you what the issue is and you won't take no for an answer any more than I'd take a Yankees money for good southern land. Now proper decorum wont' let me tell you when the moment is to really pop this question but I'm sure it will come to you when you are getting that feeling. This is a time for steady and escalating pressure, flushing her out of her comfort zone like a pheasant. You need to take charge of this and be a true southern gentleman knowing you know whats best for her and taking charge of the relationship.

I dont' care what them Yankee's say but one in the hand is most definitely not worth two in the bush, and its high time you parted those waters.

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ratbastid

Foghorn Leghorn? Colonel Sanders?

Willravel

Maybe he had a drinky winkey.

Hain

Ustwo... wow. Just wow.

But I have restrained from posting this as you mentioned it was a close relationship, I imagined that this issue would have been known to you. As others have already popped it: I instantly thought abuse when reading your post. My first girl friend was sexually abused when she was younger and it impacted that time when we, as teenager couples, should have been exploring each other sexually.

How I helped her through it (fuck, this just sounds bad like taking advantage of a broken girl, which she wasn't!) was that I was not her former tormentor. I didn't think like her tormentor. I didn't move like her tormentor. I didn't want like her tormentor. I wanted her to be happy, I wanted her comfortable, and most of all I wanted her to scream my name in ecstasy. That last one broke the tension into a good laugh and the relationship really moved forward from there.

Just my 2 cents.

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Aladdin Sane

Does she believe this is a problem? If not, then the problem is all yours, buddy.

She won't change, short of intensive therapy or a miracle from heaven. If she doesn't see this as a problem, she's not going to seek out professional help. If she believes sex is dirty and sinful she certainly isn't going to pray about it.

You've been with her for two years. What you see is what you get.

My advice? Have a very frank discussion. Find out if she sees a need for change. If she does, work with her. Help her find a therapist. Otherwise, it might be time to cut your losses.

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robot_parade

One thing that strikes me as being somewhat absent from the OP - what does *she* want??

Is she a "wait until marriage" type? If so, you need to just respect that. If you can't live with it, then move on.

Is she just waiting for Mr. Right, and you aren't it?

Does she want to have sex with you? Is the problem lack of desire, or is it fear?

Is she afraid of (it hurting, getting pregnant, the wrath of God, giving you the STD she hasn't told you about...etc)?

You might not know the answer to these questions if she isn't telling you, but, honestly, I get a clear sense of what it is you want, but I have no idea what it is she wants. If she wants sex, but is having trouble getting there, then some of the other advice here might help. If she isn't interested...well, obviously you shouldn't try to force the issue or pressure her into it.

Hain

That is something I ignored altogether when writing my post, but I agree completely with it. My situation I described, she would make advances, go so far, and then would break down looking at what she was doing. She wanted to, but still feared the memories.

What does she want?

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Plan9

Teach me, oh wise one.

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Lubeboy

Maybe she doesn't know how to shave down there.

Plan9

I think it's awesome that "Lubeboy" has replied to a thread titled "Stuck on handjobs."

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shakran

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to read an Ustwo post again without hearing "Boy, I-say Boy!" starting it off

Regarding the OP's problem, there's not really much to add as far as the relationship goes. But throughout all of this, try to keep in mind that you are not the only one experiencing frustration here. Something is blocking her from wanting to progress intimately. Instead of automatically kicking her to the curb, perhaps a quiet talk about it when you're NOT making out or in bed, would help.

MSD

Clearly not enough lube if he's stuck on anything. I say this having held a job with the title "Lube Technician" for over a year.

Kaimi

After a two year relationship you must clear the air. There is no reason for you to feel selfish about pushing the subject, at least to talk about it. Is she worried about your taste? Is she concerned about a gag reflex? I would suggest you and your love share some quality time at a forum where she can see the responses of other individuals. It may be that she is not sure how to do it properly? Let her know that any time she touches you it feels wonderful and bonding, that those moments are meaningful to you. That she doesn't have to worry about getting it wrong. From what I understand(guys correct me if I am wrong here) even a "bad" blow job is still pleasurable. What about asking her or telling her that you are willing to pull out or warn her when the moment erupts?

Another thought for you, have you ever tried to loosen her up with a romantic sensual massage? Sneaking your tongue in certain spots at the appropriate time? She truly does not know what she is missing. I commend you for wanting to work this out rather then to just cast her aside, but she has to open up for you first. Your relationship is counting on it.

Hain

Good advice. It still just sounds like there is something she does not want to tell boobmandan.


No. No, there is such a thing as a bad blow job, and BAD SEX. I believed sex was like pizza: if it is good, it's really good; if it's bad, it's still good. I found out, no, that isn't always the case.


Night on the town, home cooked (ordered from Won Ton's) dinner, wine, massage with mildly scented oils (too strong is bad, so go with the for-sure), candles, music... if nothing else she'll tell you she appreciates the night (and you think to yourself, "I was just blocked by gratitude.").

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abaya

Wow, I must have missed this thread the first time around... reading along, formulating responses, and then BAM! Ustwo's post. I'm done. I gotta stop laughing first.....

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Kaimi

Even better as far as the massage goes. Buy her a nice robe, something short, silky and sexy. Ask her to slip it on for the massage, she would probably not be the most comfortable just stripping off all her clothes for you, at least that is what I would gather. Keep the lights very dim if any on at all. During the massage let her know how beautiful she is etc, make her comfortable in any way that you can.

pig

Fuck all these tricks. You need to have an adult mature-like conversation with her and get to the bottom of the situation. As much as I like the idea of dressing up in a ninja outfit for many of these situations, in this case you need to just have a discussion with her. Asking us why she might have these hangups or how you might progress things is going to waste your time. Just talk to her, and not while you're trying to slip your dick into the general vicinity of her mouth. Don't attack her, but just tell her you don't understand the situation and that you'd like to be able to talk about it.

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Kaimi

I fully agree that the bottom line is that the discussion should be opened up more. The trouble is that she has not fully been open to the discussion either, or at least from the sound of it. Yes of course, they need to talk. The trouble is in making this an open discussion without her getting all embarassed and not wanting to speak up. Like I said, he needs to find out what her concerns are about oral, is it just cleanliness? How about a shower together first. There is more to this that has not been brought out in the open. Perhaps he is right, she is just uncomfortable with her sexuality. In that case, loosening her up in some way may be just what is needed.

pig

I think that these discussions, at least in my experience, are never fully well scripted or timed. You just sit them down in a situation where they can't get away, tell them that you need to discuss something with her and that the important thing to you is enabling better communication and closeness in the relationship. You want to fully understand her, or some such idea, and that this has been bothering you. You love her. You accept her. You're not attacking her. It's very important that she understand that. You just want to understand her, and there are no wrong answers or statements. Make it non-confrontational, and if she loves you and knows you love her, you should be able to discuss it. But don't take little horseshit evasions...that solves nothing.

Or you could use a magic marker to put two little dots on your dick. Tell her you were bitten by a rattler, and she needs to suck the poison out or you're going to die. Slash the tires on all cars in a 3 mile vicinity, and cut the phone lines. Disable email, and stage a riot. Y'all can't go anywhere, and you're going to die unless she sucks the life out of your magic wand. Maybe you can break her barriers this way?

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Plan9

Yeah. Funny. You're still pretty uptight for a lube tech.

You teach sex ed at high schools?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Kaimi

If so, it must be a boys' only class.

jewels

From this:

To this:

You are joking, right?

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pig

jewels: you're on your A-game babe.

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