The question with no answer
 

You meet a girl. You like the girl. The girl likes you. You begin to date. Things click into place. You spend a lot of time getting to know each other. You have everything in common. You let down your firewall. You fall in love. She falls in love. It is amazing for the two of you to have met. You become each other's favorite person.


She stops calling. She stops coming over. You ask what's wrong and she says nothing. She doesn't call. No explanation is forthcoming. Weeks pass. When you calls she treats you like a nuisance.


After a while, you get the point, whatever the point is. Which is to say, you don't get the point, but you realize she's never going to tell you, so you decide to stop banging your head against the wall. You stop calling. She doesn't mind.


A month or two down the road you see her with another guy, holding hands, laughing, kissing, dating. She looks at him the same way she used to look at you. She sees you and say hi, smiles, is very friendly, as if nothing is peculiar, nothing is ambiguous, everything is as it should be. Something in your chest cringes up and tries to hurt you.


You go home and stare at the floor and cry a little. Not too much, because if you start you won't stop. You wake up the next morning and decide to think about her one last time. There are no bad things so you you just think about the good things.


You wonder if something is wrong with you.

You select all files and hit 'delete'. You put your firewall back up. You do your best to never think about her again.


Wish me luck.

No worries my friend.One of the best adages in the world is,"What comes around,goes around." You are an individual and you create your own opportunities. Lot's of fish in the sea to catch.

Good luck.
And if you can, find a release. For me, its music.

Don't worry man, it's not you. She'll probably do the same thing to the new guy, and the guy after him, and so on. If she wasn't willing to even tell you what was wrong, she isn't worth your time or your tears. Pick up the pieces, move on, and you'll find out that not all women that shallow.

Docbungle, I am so sorry. It sounds like she's a colossally mean person who, for whatever reason, decided she didn't want to be with you and didn't have the courage or the humanity to make herself uncomfortable enough to tell you why. I know you saw something in her, so I'm sorry for your disillusionment. But like everyone else has said, you're better off without her. Please don't let the firewall stay up forever.

So few men understand why the women they date lose interest. Chances are, the women who lose interest don't understand why, either.

Fortunately, I have a generally good idea of what causes this bizarre phenomenon. But rather than take credit for this myself, I'll simply refer you to a handy little set of dating advice columns (<a href="http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove/index.html">clicky</a>). This guy really knows what he's talking about, I think. The main point he usually makes is that you have to make the woman chase you, not just in the first few weeks, but throughout your relationship, hopefully until one of you dies.

Read through his stuff. The answers will come.

I've read Doc Love for a while too. I'm not sure if I trust him or not.

He goes against people like John Gray Phd. on certain issuse, but hell, he sounds right.

Entertaining either way.

put your firewall back up, that's the best thing to do.

time 2 forget about her.

maybe find a girl she was envious of and show her off in front of ur ex for some revenge.

Shit happens, get over it.

That being said, aren't you glad you got to have her and know love?

Don't be afraid to let your guard down again. I think that our lives our enriched by our successes, and failures.

there arent many things that sting like that. you got the right idea for sure though...dont harp on it and move on. as for women losing interest...*shrugs*...there is no ironclad way of developing one thing that works for all women. there are plenty of good women left who dont require prerequisite advice from relationship phd's. just be patient and you'll meet one eventually.

Falling in love is like an addictive drug to some (as opposed to being in love). Call it the "thrill of the chase" or whatever, either way, it's not you or anything you did. You have the ability to love and there is someone out there that will love you back, she could not. Take it for what it was and move on.

It hurts, you move on. You meet someone new, hopefully interesting enough to bring the wall back down.

<--- wall still up :(

Put it behind you and move on, and dont look back.

Good luck

I have had this happen to me also. The thing that lingers with me is those goddam unanswered questions. I could feel better about the situation if I only knew some answers. Did something happen to change her feelings?, Did I treat her bad and not know it?, Was she never really into me?, Is she all the more happy without me in her life?, .. etc......

I don't have an explanation but I wanted to let you know you weren't alone. I just had a similar thing happen to me and we were living together (her idea) and then it was as if I had the plague. It hurt too much to have her treat me that poorly so I asked to change her attitude or leave... she left. I'm dating again but am reluctant to let anyone get that close too soon.

Best of luck!!!

Been there man. It sucks but you just gotta move on. A rebound fling always helps too.

I'd turn the world to know how to fix this for you. I wish you the best in healing your heart.
As far as that firewall goes...try, try with all you have to bring it down. Don't let it rule you.
My own firewall is stopping me dead in my tracks and I ache for the day I can release the demon that fuels the flame.
I have the fire hose in my hand and the drizzle has begun but it's a long road back my friend when you let it burn out of control.
Give it all you have to douse it now.

You people are really cool. I just kind of needed a place to vent, to write it all down and try to make some kind of sense of it, but your comments seem sincere and I appreciate the time and thought that went into them.

Cheers.

Well, I'll go against damn near everyone in this thread.

Roughly four years ago I met Andrea, and we were friends for about 6 months, just chummin around, hangin out. i dont get along with guys that well, as I generally have divergent ideas about the place of women in the scheme of things. Well, in December of 99, we started dating. we went back and forth, rediscovering our attraction time and time again as we fought, learned and renewed our relationship. Then, after I'd left a new girl to come back to her, things had become fine all over again. And, just as you said, I finally fell. Well, two weeks later, I'm tossed aside, and she starts dating a friend of mine, another one of those in the long line of people we'd chummed around with while we'd dated.

Jet to now. Up until two weeks ago, I'd never known what had happened at that point in time, why things had gone the way they had, and how I could have changed them. For three years, I carried around all the emotional "what-ifs" that stemmed from my first truly significant relationship with the opposite sex. But I'd burned her out of my mind, found new infatuations, a new love, and things kept turning out for the worst, even when the girls in question were deeply into me more than I into them.

Well, 3 years have passed, and I've grown up...alot. not that "I'm a senior not a freshman" growing up, but the kind that comes from overexposure to the real world from the age of 16 to 20. I'd gotten a taste of the real world while I was with her, and now I live and breathe the real world. And here we sit. We've been talking for 2 weeks, and things are back where they were four years ago. That attraction is still there, and she still knows exactly where to hit me to make it hurt or to make the world stand on its head.

So my advice, yea, put that firewall back up, but don't just say "fuck it" or "forget women" like I did. Learn from it, give it time, and revisit it a year or three from now. Not in a creepy call from the blue, but if circumstances draw you back together, even on a chance bump-in, talk to her. Hell, I'd seen Andrea over a half-dozen times in situations we could have spent time talking together over the past 3 years. But I wasn't ready to man up to the situation. Give it time.

Good luck

Well when it comes to stuff like that nothing you can really do. Don't plague yourself with the questions of why this and what if. Instead remember the good times and look forward to better times that are certain to come. Words often mean little in times like this but hope things get better for ya :D

cheers

Perhaps a quote from "Dune" will suffice...

"There should be a science of discontent. People need hard times and oppression to develop psychic muscles."

Go on a drunken bender to get her out of your system.... Just kidding, but seriously, everything will work out eventually. If she ever starts talking to you again, just play hard to get, like you want nothing to do with her, and she will really pursue you then. My $.02

way back in the day... high school.. i started going with this girl, christie... we were fucking inseperable. we both had a great time being young and silly... you couldn't pull us apart with a prybar... it was great. then i went off to college and she went off and did her own thing and it drifted...

i hadn't heard from her for years when my buddy calls me up and i come over to a little shindig where she's there... cold shoulder. barely a hi and then she's on her way... talk about heartbreak. what did i do? i got over it. shit happens in relationships. sometimes they work out beautifully, sometimes even the best things are doomed to fail... you just live and learn and move on.

Doc- Always remember in situations like this: People act the way they do usually because of who they are, not because of who you are.

Translation: Don't beat yourself up looking for the "what did I do wrong" or "what could I have done differently". Sometimes people act like assholes because they are indeed assholes, not because of something you did. I'm a firm believer in the "everything for a reason" theory....you'll find an even hotter chick one day, and be glad you weren't tied down with whats-her-face.

I was fucked over exactly the same way by a girl who I've known for 10 years. Just one day she suddenly stopped feeling any emotion for me. There's at least a handful of people like that in the world, on both sides. I'm sorry you had to experience it, and that I had to experience it. Look for someone better, because there IS someone better for you out there.

Better to have loved and lost...

There's a lot of good people in the TFP.

I can relate
been there, done that,
just happened some time ago.

All I can say is keep repeating to yourself
"Let it go, do what you need, and move on"

You'll sooner or later with time grow beyond the pain,
and you'll find yourself focusing on your own life.

And when that happens, step through the door again,
and put yourself out there.

Update:

This story now becomes extremely typical when you find out she screwed someone else behind your back. You've finally gotten over her and then, of course, all the little hidden truths begin to come out of the woodwork. Does anyone have any f@*cking integrity anymore? Is anyone sincere? Does anyone (age 25-30) really give a shit about anyone else? Am I becoming a pessimist? I believe so.

It's sad and I feel sorry for you, especially since you seem to be a sensitive person.

I hear you. For years I had this idealistic image of the society, of the people and the bonds that connect them. The rules were simple - if you're good to others, then you get in return what you gave to them. Not that I was like this, because I wasn't, and I only came to realize this not long ago. Now those ideals are crumbling to pieces with each new day.

All right, so maybe I won’t help as much as I thought with this :confused: .

Lots of people have integrity, lots of them don't. Many who don't have good intentions but have no control over their impulses.

You don't need those people. I'm sure there are wonderful things about her but the bottom line is that she's obviosuly not ready to settle down. If it's not a challenge, she goes looking for one. Is that really who you want to be with?

The important thing is to realize that this was HER, not YOU. Anything you could have done to keep her around would probably betray your nature and eventually, that always falls apart anyway. You did nothing wrong and ultimately, neither did she. You just had different ideas about how things would go. Let it go and move on. never stop looking inward and trying to improve yourself for yourself - the right woman will love who you already are and it's all good from there. Whatever you do, don't turn this into a "women suck" vibe... that'll only stall you indefinitely from the happiness you seem to be looking for and when you snap out of that, you'll feel dumb for the lost time. They don't all suck, just some of them. Just like guys. We're all human.

For what it's worth, I've been there and I'd bet most everyone who has read this thread has, too, and we know how you're feeling. It's not fun. As someone else said, find a release that feeds your soul and the right girl will find you. Just... you know... don't forget to say hi to her when she's making eyes at you in the checkout line, ok?

lol. ok, I'll keep that in mind. Thx.:)

My thoughts exactly, fhqwhgads. You can't hold yourself responsible for what other people do.

Yeah that sucks. I remember getting so bitter and dissapointed with ppl in general. But in the end you're the one who decides how much you give, how 'good' of a person you are. Don't stoop to the level of the shitheads you meet. If you're anything like me you'll wind up feeling even more miserable...

But it's not much use. If you close yourself off from harm, you'll also close yourself off from all the good stuff that might happen.

docbungle, I've been there man. I'd known her for about a year (went to the same college). We had two weeks that were very good --in my mind anyway-- until she wanted to cool things down a bit. Then things got freaky, she went home one morning and just said something like 'see you around', wich was totally inapropriate. Somehow I got pissed off enough to go to her house that night to ask her what the hell she was on about and she just mumbled something about 'needing some time for herself, going through a rough time'. I even said I wished there was something I could do for her. Never figured out if she was being honest, or just making generic excuses. Anyway it didn't help me at all and I wasted most of my summer feeling like an idiot for wanting her back.
I've talked to her a couple of times since, and I'm cool with it. I've decided she's a screwy kind of bitch and can't, or chooses not to mind other ppl's feelings. Whatever. Did I mention how good she was in bed?

quote:
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Does anyone have any f@*cking integrity anymore? Is anyone sincere? Does anyone (age 25-30) really give a shit about anyone else? Am I becoming a pessimist? I believe so.
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Integrity is NOT dead! It's just very, very rare. Don't stop believing man. I'm 26, and I care. And so do the other ppl who replied to your message :)
So don't give up just yet!

dammit, I meant to say something about that, too. That is very, very true. Stay open, do what feels right to you and if someone neglects that or it isn't valuable to them - that's on them, NOT you. Don't keep up walls - it just makes it harder to find happiness when someone good comes along and it might even make them pass you by.


The crazy ones ALWAYS are. The nuttier the girl, the better in bed; it's almost universal. That's not to say non-nutty women aren't, but it's not as high of a percentage. Something about their needing excitement, I think...

Good luck dude. This sounds like an amazingly difficult situation and i feel for you. I hope you find the strength and courage to carry on and seek out better things and people in your life. Don't let this situation hold you down.

Just keep on moving forward my friend :)

If nothing else, look at all the replies you've had on this thread. These are all (or most, whatever) people who've never met you, yet all take the time to think out a post that they hope will help you, and other readers with similar problems, to heal and move on, without expecting anything in return.
I think someone still cares :)

Works for me, I get totally drunk and dramatic to get it off my chest, and the next day I get this terrible hangover reflecting my emotional misery, reminding me to clean up my act and move on. But I need to be ready to take that step first, otherwise I'd keep drinking...

Crazy ones......!
 

[
The crazy ones ALWAYS are. The nuttier the girl, the better in bed; it's almost universal. That's not to say non-nutty women aren't, but it's not as high of a percentage. Something about their needing excitement, I think... [/B][/QUOTE]


First off, thanks Doc for baring your soul to this forum. Ouch, nothing like a personal soul-thrash to bring out the empathic waterfall of compassion from people. What an intense forum. iwent through a perfect parallel situation, except I had a 2 month head start on you. Love, betrayal, false hope for reconcilaition, females-are-devil-spawn, hate, apathy, pull-my-head-out-o'-mine-arse, finally, realize when you get close to someone, and it doesn't work out, IT ISN'T YOU. That was a hard-ass lesson from beyond the bogs of doom.

There is so much human truth in these replies. Another detail: You are reacting perfectly normally. If you learn anything from this script o'replies in your personal movie, it isn't you. All of your emotions, no matter how raw, are perfectly human.

Now, to address the quote. Hell, ya. I fell for a bi-polar woman(duh) and the sex was out of hand. Dude, I haven't seen 30 yet(though I am approaching) and I needed to find viagra, f'chrissakes. For you freudians out there, my mother is textbook bi-polar. I have broken the cycle. No more of that, after 29 years. Point being, this forum rocks the party that rocks the party. I feel that the amount of replies tto doc's situation speaks volumes for the quality of humans that peruse the TFP. Be who you are. That is the challenge.

Surround yourself with your friends, they will still be there no matter what. After a while it gets easier to smile and laugh and check out others.