Asking about ex's... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Radio Monk33 · 06-17-2003, 07:25 PM

Is there a nice way of asking about a girls past history with relationships? It's just something that I'd like to know...

I've been with my first girlfriend for almost 2 months now, and I havent asked. I've made no secret that it's my first relationship.

I would like to know just for the record, and for future reference in case of possible sexual relations.

Now I'm just wondering what the best way of inquiring is. Be straight forward and honest, inquire with one of her friends(subtle, but I'd prefer not to go behind her back), or is their a sensitive method?

Peetster · 06-17-2003, 07:43 PM

No, you don't ask. What happened before you doesn't matter, she is with you now. What she did before you doesn't matter, because it was before you. She is with you now, that's all that should matter to you. Let the past go..

--jones-- · 06-17-2003, 11:35 PM

You could ask her if you feel she is the type of person that wouldnt mind...ie open minded

chavos · 06-18-2003, 01:04 AM

might not be a bad idea to warm her to the topic by discussing a crush/attraction from your past, and push the subject that way. That said, it may be a blessing to never hear about her ex's...there may be something you don't want to know. But simply as a communication exercise, the idea of asking has merit.

lurkette · 06-18-2003, 06:06 AM

DEFINITELY don't go behind her back. Bad bad bad bad bad. I'd say if you're dying to know, just ask her. But if you can live with not knowing, except for health reasons, leave it be. When the time comes to talk about possible sexual safety issues, just ask if she's been safe and/or been tested (being sure to divulge your own er, status) and leave it at that. If she wants to tell you about past relationships it'll come up naturally. Plus, who wants all those other people in the relationship with you? No fun to compare yourself to past lovers.

fuelmyfire · 06-18-2003, 07:24 AM

i just went through all of this recently...except that i've been with the girl for 3 and a half years.

found out that i have been lied to all this time. Good thing i had already mentally prepared myself (as i had a suspicion i was being lied to)

i should never have brought it up though.

BUT, for health reasons, you have to ask!! but don't ask for any more detail than that.

platypus · 06-18-2003, 08:20 AM

Don't ask. If she wants to offer up her past, let her do it on her own time. You're looking for information that, if it exists, you probably don't really want to know about.

Shades · 06-18-2003, 09:49 AM

Don't bother to ask. I was in the exact same position not too long ago, and pretty much anything you hear besides "I dated losers until you, the best evver came along. And there wasn't anything tragic in my past either" is going to fuck you up. Yes it will. Don't shake your head like that, don't be stupid like me and just take some good advice.
Odds are you aren't (yet anyway, just 2 months) and there are (she got cheated on, did some cheating, was sexually mollested, whatever- all shit you don't want to know after 2 months).

gibber71 · 06-18-2003, 05:33 PM

It really isn't any of your business.When women ask me things like,how many people have you sleep with,or the obligatory,have you ever had a one night stand,I repeat the above.None of your damn business.

However when it comes to sex, wrap it up and protect yourself.If she is on the pill and doesn't see the need for condoms,suggest you both get tested.If she's offended by that,keep wrapping it up or move on.

HFrankenstein · 06-18-2003, 08:21 PM

Looks like the nay's have it so far, and I agree with them. Do not, in a million years, ask her about her past relationships. If she has something important to tell you (sexual stuff and the like), hopefully she'll have the decency to fill you in before you... fill her... in...

Bad joke.

And while we're on the subject, if she asks you about your past, dance around it. I'm not so sure about gibber71's idea of giving her the MYOB. Personally, I'd just make a joke of it and then change the subject. "Yeah, I get around. And I mean <i>around</i>. There ain't a base on this diamond that I haven't stolen yet, baby. Hell, I even just broke up with your sister last week. Hey, check out that moon!"

rogue49 · 06-18-2003, 09:03 PM

I wouldn't...you're asking for trouble.

Develop the comfort & the trust...then have the sex.
Otherwise, use the loveglove.
Hell, use the condom anyway...take control of YOUR responsibility.

Slims · 06-19-2003, 01:14 AM

You should be able to ask, and she should answer you honestly. However, it shouldn't matter. Her past history only means that she has shopped around, and would rather be with you than the guys that came before you.

Whatever you do, don't get all wierd about it. In this day and age of sexually transmitted diseases, you do have a right to know how many people she has slept with, and under what circumstances, but you shouldn't pry beyond that.

06-17-2003, 07:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
Radio Monk33 Psycho	Asking about ex's... Is there a nice way of asking about a girls past history with relationships? It's just something that I'd like to know... I've been with my first girlfriend for almost 2 months now, and I havent asked. I've made no secret that it's my first relationship. I would like to know just for the record, and for future reference in case of possible sexual relations. Now I'm just wondering what the best way of inquiring is. Be straight forward and honest, inquire with one of her friends(subtle, but I'd prefer not to go behind her back), or is their a sensitive method? __________________ "Punk rock had this cool, political personal message. It was a bit more cerebral than just stupid cock rock, you know" -Kurt Cobain

06-18-2003, 06:06 AM	#5 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	DEFINITELY don't go behind her back. Bad bad bad bad bad. I'd say if you're dying to know, just ask her. But if you can live with not knowing, except for health reasons, leave it be. When the time comes to talk about possible sexual safety issues, just ask if she's been safe and/or been tested (being sure to divulge your own er, status) and leave it at that. If she wants to tell you about past relationships it'll come up naturally. Plus, who wants all those other people in the relationship with you? No fun to compare yourself to past lovers. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

06-18-2003, 08:20 AM	#7 (permalink)
platypus Essen meine kurze Hosen Location: NY Burbs	Don't ask. If she wants to offer up her past, let her do it on her own time. You're looking for information that, if it exists, you probably don't really want to know about. __________________ Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

06-18-2003, 08:21 PM	#10 (permalink)
HFrankenstein Crazy Location: New Jersey / Delaware	Looks like the nay's have it so far, and I agree with them. Do not, in a million years, ask her about her past relationships. If she has something important to tell you (sexual stuff and the like), hopefully she'll have the decency to fill you in before you... fill her... in... Bad joke. And while we're on the subject, if she asks you about your past, dance around it. I'm not so sure about gibber71's idea of giving her the MYOB. Personally, I'd just make a joke of it and then change the subject. "Yeah, I get around. And I mean <i>around</i>. There ain't a base on this diamond that I haven't stolen yet, baby. Hell, I even just broke up with your sister last week. Hey, check out that moon!" __________________ When in doubt, sauerkraut.

06-19-2003, 01:14 AM	#12 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	You should be able to ask, and she should answer you honestly. However, it shouldn't matter. Her past history only means that she has shopped around, and would rather be with you than the guys that came before you. Whatever you do, don't get all wierd about it. In this day and age of sexually transmitted diseases, you do have a right to know how many people she has slept with, and under what circumstances, but you shouldn't pry beyond that. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

06-17-2003, 07:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	No, you don't ask. What happened before you doesn't matter, she is with you now. What she did before you doesn't matter, because it was before you. She is with you now, that's all that should matter to you. Let the past go..

06-17-2003, 11:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
--jones-- Crazy	You could ask her if you feel she is the type of person that wouldnt mind...ie open minded

06-18-2003, 01:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
chavos Banned Location: St. Paul, MN	might not be a bad idea to warm her to the topic by discussing a crush/attraction from your past, and push the subject that way. That said, it may be a blessing to never hear about her ex's...there may be something you don't want to know. But simply as a communication exercise, the idea of asking has merit.

06-18-2003, 07:24 AM	#6 (permalink)
fuelmyfire Insane	i just went through all of this recently...except that i've been with the girl for 3 and a half years. found out that i have been lied to all this time. Good thing i had already mentally prepared myself (as i had a suspicion i was being lied to) i should never have brought it up though. BUT, for health reasons, you have to ask!! but don't ask for any more detail than that.

06-18-2003, 09:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
Shades Insane	Don't bother to ask. I was in the exact same position not too long ago, and pretty much anything you hear besides "I dated losers until you, the best evver came along. And there wasn't anything tragic in my past either" is going to fuck you up. Yes it will. Don't shake your head like that, don't be stupid like me and just take some good advice. Odds are you aren't (yet anyway, just 2 months) and there are (she got cheated on, did some cheating, was sexually mollested, whatever- all shit you don't want to know after 2 months).

06-18-2003, 05:33 PM	#9 (permalink)
gibber71 Loser	It really isn't any of your business.When women ask me things like,how many people have you sleep with,or the obligatory,have you ever had a one night stand,I repeat the above.None of your damn business. However when it comes to sex, wrap it up and protect yourself.If she is on the pill and doesn't see the need for condoms,suggest you both get tested.If she's offended by that,keep wrapping it up or move on.

06-18-2003, 09:03 PM	#11 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	I wouldn't...you're asking for trouble. Develop the comfort & the trust...then have the sex. Otherwise, use the loveglove. Hell, use the condom anyway...take control of YOUR responsibility.