spot1021

This is the one area of my life that has been a major disappointment. I've managed to graduate from college, get a high paying-job, and career wise things are going great. But I haven't done anything sexual with a woman. EVER.

There are many reasons for this. I've always been an introverted type, really hated the bar/club scene. Got picked on a lot during high school and just kept to myself out of habit I guess and became a loner. I focused on my education and said to myself all I needed to do was get a good career going and the rest would fall into place. I had left high school with big plans to get laid in college but life has a funny way of changing your plans. I dealt with years of family garbage in college that really fucked me up. I was lucky I even graduated.

I've gone back and forth on going to Reno or Vegas or Amsterdamn and just going to a legal brothel and getting my problem taken "care of." If it wasn't for the risks of STD, I would have done it years ago.

The thing I'm concerned about is if I meet a woman I like I won't know what to do on dates and make a fool of myself, from simple stuff like kissing her to fucking her. It's all outside of my expeience.

Do I tell her? I figure lots of young guys don't know what the hell is going on and make fools of themselves in bed all the time so maybe I won't stand out too much. It's not rocket science. I've seen it all in porn. I'd probably last a hell of a long time in bed too given that I've been jerking off for the last 13 years and my penis is used to the sensation of my hand to get off not a pussy.

If the subject of past relationships comes up, do I tell her and risk looking like a loser or do I lie and make up a backstory to try and appear more normal?

But before any of this comes up, I got to get out there and meet women. Work isn't really an option to meet women and that's my main social outlet and where I spend most of my day. I wake up. Go to work. Go Home. Jerk Off. And the cylce repeats sometimes with the variety of a jerk off after I wake up and sometimes not.

McFrosticles

Trust me, it will eventually happen. The universe tends to unfold as it should.


I know thats not much advice, but..............


Good luck sir

__________________
Good Grief

xepherys

a) it isn't 'strange' as in odd, but it's probably 'strange' as in uncommon these days. Kids are having sex entirely too young, and far too many of them experience more than a 25 y/o should by the time they're 16. But, it's really not a big deal, and the 'right' girl probably won't care. While I think a physical aspect is VERY important... no, VITAL to a good relationship, I don't think experience is. Hell, a lot of women might think this is a great opportunity to mold you to their sexual needs. Lots of guys learn the very WRONG things early on and think they're studs!

b) Yes, be honest. I think that was implied in 'a', but I wanted to be sure.

c) Spanking it for a million years won't prepare you for actual intercourse. Trust me!

__________________
The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible...
-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

My Homepage

Lasereth

1. Sex is not a big deal. It's simply not. It's not life changing and it doesn't affect you mentally or physically. All it does is make you want to have sex more afterwards because now you know what it feels like.

2. 25 year old virgin isn't a big deal either. Being a virgin period isn't a big deal. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and/or exaggerating.

3. Be more confident in yourself. You have a higher education than most people. You make more money than most people. If you're generally a nice guy, then you'll have no trouble with a girl. If one interests you, talk to her. The rest will fall into place if she's compatible! Tell her you're a virgin so she can help you when the time comes. If she's not a brat then she'll probably think it's "cute."

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

Cynthetiq

eh, I know 38 year old virgin girl. not so odd also.

life is about choices and decisions, more than anything be yourself and be honest.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

xepherys

I think that statement isn't quite accurate as written. Sex IS a big deal. People divorce over sex or a lack thereof. People get wrapped up emotionally and mentally about sex and physical intimacy in general. Having sex too young can certainly affect you mentally. Sex is procreation, the carrying on of life. Sex is recreation, one of the best natural things a person can experience. Sex is a big deal. Not having at 25 isn't a big deal, really, but sex in and of itself is certainly a big deal.

__________________
The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible...
-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

My Homepage

Siege

I think he means it isn't life changing in that you won't get any super powers.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Push-Pull

I agree with Xeph. It is a big deal, but with the added emphasis on that it isn't critical that you get started now.

If you must pursue it, then here's my advice....

1) Find woman whose company you enjoy.
2) Explore common interests
3) Have fun and laugh a lot
4) Fall in love
5) Have sex when it finally comes around

I would also add that it is very important that you just relax about it. Refuse to let this get to you and drive your decisions. Any potential mate will probably pick up on this and it could complicate matters. Not to say that you shouldn't talk about it if it comes up, but don't make it a big issue. Stay cool, and good things will happen.

__________________
"No laws, no matter how rigidly enforced, can protect a person from their own stupidity." -Me-

"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

RedSabre

I have to agree with Push-Pull. But I'm not so sure it is a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I like it. But the only thing that happened after having sex was that I wanted more of it. I lost it on my virginity on my 21st birthday. I only had it then because I wanted it to be with someone I was going to be with for a long time (I'm marrying her in August).

Had we not been thinking/knowing long-term, I'd probably be in your situation. And while I can understand it can be, don't let it bother you. The way Push-Pull laid it out happened to me. Can't complain.

Also, don't think of it as a negative. Every time it came up with my friends they were surprised I was a virgin but it didn't change anything, and my soon-to-be wife was surprised I was one but thought it was really cute. I think she was somewhat flattered that she could introduce me to it all.

Let nature take its course. It may take longer than you want, but things will work out.

Redjake

It's not a big deal, man. Anyone that tells you otherwise has self-esteem issues. Sex is important, but it's NOT a big deal that you are a virgin. This sounds pathetic, but if you've seen porn, then you know how to fuck. So don't worry about that.

The main thing I could concentrate on is YOUR self esteem. Like Lasereth said, if you have a good job, have a degree, and are a nice guy, you will find someone (or they will find you). However, if you want to accelerate it, you're just going to have to break down and say "fuck it" and just start talking to girls. The worst thing that can happen is you get turned down over and over - and that's not even a big deal. Eventually, you'll find someone you like and someone that likes you and bam, you aren't a virgin anymore, and you'll be kicking yourself for making a big deal about nothing!

__________________
Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

abaya

Ktspktsp and I were both 24 when we lost ours... no big deal. I think men tend to be more self-conscious about it than women though, not that they need to be. I loved the fact that my husband (then boyfriend) was a virgin... it was the best-case scenario I could imagine, personally. We've had a lot of fun exploring together since then.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Plan9

I got a smooth spot like a Ken Doll.

Beat THAT.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Martian

Yeah... so when it comes to sex, I firmly believe that there is no such thing as normal. If you were to take a mean average of the age at which people lost their virginity, you'd probably end up with mid to late teens. But there are folks who go much later and folks who go much earlier. Statistics are meaningless.

In terms of sex being or not being a big deal, well, yeah. In some ways it is; sex is a crucial part of a properly functioning relationship and it has some potential life-altering consequences. That part is a big deal. Actually having sex.. well, before I did the deed, I had sex built up in my head as this absolutely amazing experience. Then I finally did it. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah, it was cool to have that kind of a connection with another human being. But there was a part of me that sort of thought 'wait, that's it?' I'd built the experience up to the point that the reality didn't meet my expectations.

You're not going to be a super stud out of the gate, because nobody really is. It takes time to figure things out. And then, once you've got it figured out you end up having sex with someone else and you have to figure it out all over again, since no two girls are the same. And the bottom line is that so long as you both enjoy yourselves it doesn't really matter anyway.

So, onto the Dear Marrsy advice column.

The biggest thing I get out of what you've written is that you're not being terribly pro-active about the whole thing. The problem with the 'sit back and let it happen' approach is that you're basically waiting for that right girl to come to you and that may end up being a long wait. What you should be doing (assuming, of course, that you don't want to just wait) is getting out and meeting people. It's fine that you don't like the bar scene, so long as you realize that that means that bars are probably a bad place for you to meet girls. So find good places to meet girls; join special interest groups, go hang out at the park, go to an art gallery or a museum. And once you go that place that captures your interest, don't be afraid to talk to people. So what if you were picked on in high school? You're not in high school anymore and by all reports you definitely have your shit together. If you were so inclined you could now be the one who picks on people, but seeing as that's probably not you, you can instead take that and turn it into confidence. You are educated, sophisticated, financially independent. You have everything going for you. So take the bloody chance, find a girl you're interested in and start up a conversation. If things go well, ask her if she wants a bite to eat. Or if she wants to catch a movie or go sing karaoke or what have you. So long as you're not offering to show her your hard drive or anything odd like that, you'll be fine and the worst she'll do is say 'no, thank you.'

Personally, I tend to prefer honesty as a blanket policy, since it means I don't have to keep track of what I've said. Plus, if you fabricate some story up front and things progress to an actual relationship, any lies you told in the beginning have the potential to come back and bite you in the ass. Keep in mind, however, that honesty has it's limits. You can feel free to leave stories about your teenage acne or the list of names the meathead jocks called you in high school until at least the third date. Or, y'know, leave them out entirely. Your call.

And if you meet that right girl and things progress and you do end up in the bedroom, then you definitely don't want to fabricate stories about your experience. You don't want her to come into it expecting that you'll be a super stud, since as I said above you almost certainly won't be. It's okay to tell her that you're a virgin; abaya found it charming and I think that's the general response, although perhaps some of our female members can chime in on this. Again (and this probably goes without saying, but) this is the sort of thing that you'll leave until things have progressed to the point where it becomes relevant information. Feel free to leave it out of your introduction.

Your penis doesn't know the difference between your hand and a vagina as, contrary to popular opinion, it does not actually have a mind of it's own. You know the difference and when you finally experience the sensation of a vagina, you will feel a distinct difference. It's highly probable that the biggest difference will be that her vagina is either tighter or looser than your hand normally is. Also of note is that I have yet to meet a girl that is able to give me an orgasm equal to or better than the ones I give myself. Sex is fun because it's a team sport, but going solo means that you have a direct feedback loop which results in a better overall response. And after all of that, if you do last a very long time or are even not able to finish, it will likely be a result of nerves. Relax and have fun. If it comes to the worst and your first time experiencing sex results in an accidental discharge, you can follow it up with your first time experiencing cunnilingus and/or mutual masturbation. So long as you both have fun it's not going to matter.

So, I think that about covers it. Any questions?

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Kpax

Dude, before even reading your post, I just wanted to say that I'm in exactly the same situation as you! Hell, I never even kissed a girl until just 2 weeks ago... I'll post more on this subject after I read a few of the replies, but yeah. I mean, I know people don't have it written on their forheads that they're not a virgin, but most of the time at work I figure (different staff almost every day) that I'm the only virgin there, and it makes me feel different, and a difference like that is really hard to cope with because it's not something we can change right when we want to...

OK, so I read your post. You sound almost exactly like me, word for word. For non-religious people, work is the main outlet (for meeting people, but not for the same thing), or otherwise people you still know from school. I used to go to a church regularly, but then someone I knew spread some rumors about me and everybody there hated me, so I haven't went back (this was also within the past two weeks). Lemme ask, do you have any friends? I mean, just let your friends know what you think about, like... anything that's a main dillemma, and they'll probably help you. What the workmates did for Andy on 40 Year-Old Virgin is pretty realistic. They can ask for you, and point to you. Of course, this also depends on your physical appearance.

LOL I also thought about Nevada and Amsterdam, but I brushed that aside because of yes, STDs, and the rules involved that make it awkward from A to Z. Actually, there are probably a lot of other things I considered, that I forgot about. Maybe it was more of just "it crossed my mind." Anyway, I'm not going to do the Nevada or Amsterdam thing. I guess I don't want it that much...

I'm still a virgin, but I would say friends are the best help. Not friends you have too much in common with, but ones that are more outgoing who can take you under their wing. Of course, this isn't something us introverted types can come by very easily, either. When I had, friends (just a couple weeks ago), I got to meet so many girls. The one I kissed was someone I met through my (former) friends. Of course, I haven't heard from her since. Now, I know the subject is "virginity," not kissing, but I think it's the same thing, because even if you could go to bars and put on your game, that would be hard for anyone to do by themselves. Usually you do that as a group, I think.

eggman414

All right, I don't post here much and I might catch some flak for saying this, but here what the hell, we're all grown-ups here and I feel I can relate to you. One of my closest friends is a virgin at 23, I'm the same age, and while I'm not a virgin I have a VERY difficult time meeting women and have never quite been able to figure out why (I've gone very long periods of time without sex, too).

Being a virgin at 25, or any time, is not in itself a particularly big deal. However, you are probably reading all this stuff-what I'm saying here included-and saying to yourself "well, yeah, easy for you to say." People who are in relationships, or have a relatively easy time getting dates, have a tendency to oversimplify the problems of those of us with difficulties meeting members of the opposite sex. Most advice falls into two completely contradictory categories: 1) you gotta relax and it will happen, or 2) you gotta go out there and try. The fact that these two ideas-which can, very broadly, encapsulate most of the advice given here-stand in complete opposition to each other really leads me to believe that many people simply do not get it. It winds up making people like you and me (maybe you'll disagree, but this is how I see it) feel more isolated.

Of course, we are in considerably different positions, but here is how I try to deal with it, and I hope it can be of some help: just fucking forget it. You know how some people can't make any friends or keep a job? You know how some people are drug addicts and alcoholics and don't speak with their families? Guess what, those people have some serious fucking issues and many of them are getting laid. Everyone is fucked up to some degree, and if your biggest problem is that you are a virgin, well, it's really not all that bad. Some of us are just not very good at some things. I'm a terrible athlete, this bothered me quite a lot when I was younger, but I learned to accept it and was the better for it. I have trouble meeting women, too; it's hard, but I'm happier when I just accept that, too. It's not an easy thing, and you will lapse many times, but trust me, you'll feel much better when you just forget it and focus on other things (career, friends, hobbies, etc). This strategy probably will not get you laid - if you start thinking "well, I've gotta stop thinking about it so I can meet girls," then, well, you've just surrounded yourself in circular logic - but it will make you happier and make your life far more enjoyable. Don't go to a prostitute, that won't make you feel better; just remove the monkey from your back and go about your business. Nobody needs to know you are a virgin, the right girl won't care, and most importantly, life isn't a contest. People are not looking at you any differently, your "secret"-if you even want to call it that-is probably far, far easier to live with than those carried around by many, many others.

Of course I'm not a virgin, so I realize that this is all very easy for me to say. But I definitely can relate to that feeling of isolation - I felt it for a long time, albeit for a slightly different reason (which I won't get into now in the interests of staying on topic) - and there's just no reason for it. Life your life and try to put it in the back of your mind. God knows when you'll get laid, but I guarantee you'll feel a hundred times better.

jth

<- 28, soon to be 29 year old Virgin. it doesn't bother me, it doesn't define me as a person. When/if I find a Woman that I would like to be with and it's mutual then awesome. Until then, I've gone my entire life without sex and I'm just fine, a happy man. I have no problems talking to Women, meet loads of them all the time. They just all happen to be taken or just not interested mutually or just not the right time.

Something like Sex I don't think should define anyone, either an abundance or lack of it doesn't seem to effect me or my relationships with other sexually active people. I have friends who seldom get laid to friends who fornicate on a highly regular schedule. There are more important things in life then Sex.

obviously there are the urges and that's the natural way of things, procreation, attraction etc etc. Maybe I'll be a Virgin for my entire life, and to be totally honest, it doesn't bother me one bit.

So don't be worried if you haven't gotten laid yet, you're 25, young and obviously have the proverbial "world at your feet"

__________________
"A real leader faces the music, even if he doesn't like the tune." - unknown quote

spot1021

I have friends at work and the rest are old college friends that I really just email or IM with. None live near me anymore. Once people move away and get involved in their own lives, it's just really easy to lose touch. And my personality has always been to leave people alone if I sense I am annoying them or bothering them. I tend to withdraw if I don't get a lot of attention from people.

I also have lots of internet friends I've chatted with on various forums I participate in and we chat and email but they live too far away to do anything in real life with.

But I definitely agree that it is much easier to meet women when you have a good group of friends to introduce you to people. And I could certainly use a nudge from more extroverted people to go out and do stuff. It's just way too easy for me to stay at home and read or watch tv or play video games or play on the internet or with myself. LOL

I'm not really concerned about people picking on me as much now as generally being embarassed about my situation. It's like the big missing piece to the puzzle. I know I'm so much better than most people my age, education, career, and financially. But this area I feel so far behind. I'm almost positive most people would be shocked if they knew I was a virgin cause I come across as very confident and put together at work in my area of expertise and am the go-to guy for lots of stuff. A lot of this is an act as I was raised never to show weakness or complain or whine about personal problems. In truth, it's been really hard to enjoy any of my professional success when I feel that I'm damaged or broken goods in some way since I've never gotten laid.

The problem is where I work most of the people are older than me, or married, or in relationships or otherwise unavailable or unappealing to me. It's just not a place to meet women and after spending 10-12 hours a day there, it's very easy to come up with excuses like I'm too tired or whatever to go out.

And the advice about joining clubs and getting out and meeting people is what I've been thinking about for a long time. I know it's right. I know it's what I have to do. But I guess I've been in the same situation for so long, changing my ways is scary so I procrastinate about it. I always say maybe tomorrow or next week or next month. I have all these ideas like travelling, joining a gym, learning to scuba dive, political groups, etc. It's getting out of a completely predictable environment to something not so predictable. I know I have to do it but the change is scary for me. But I know if I don't do it I'll never change my situation.

That's a great attitude you have if it works for you. But everyone is different. I could never be happy being a virgin for life.

I won't be 30 and a virgin. I'm going to try my hardest to be more outgoing and meet women but if I'm your age at 28/29 and still a virgin, I'll go the nevada/amsterdamn route if nothing else for my self-confidence and mental health. I'll use a condom, hopefully go to a place where the girls are tested regularly for STD's, take every precaution I can and just get it over with. It's probably no less safe doing it this way than going to a random bar and hooking up with any girl. It may be even more safe as the working girls in the professional establishments are usually very health conscious with their bodies and never have unsafe sex. I''m not there yet. But everyone has their limits.

I just want to experience how sex feels. If it's no big deal in the end, fine. But I want to be able to experience it. It has literally been on my mind every day since I was 12 years old and first discovered my penis could do really cool things. Evolution has wired humans to be sexual and to be deprived of this basic human function is unnatural for me. I firmly believe that to be the case in my situation.

Maybe your situation and sex drive or just outlook on life is different. I can't speak for others or criticize their choices. I can only speak for how I feel and I feel like I am being deprived. I feel like one of those poor unneutered miserable dogs that you see that can't find a mate and humps the furniture and everything else for relief.

World's King

It's as strange as someone wearing pants.





Get over it. Live you life.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

match000

I think Martian and a few others pretty much summed up all I wanted to say..

but i'll say it anyways.

I didn't lose it until this year and I am 23.

The road to 'losing it' didn't begin until I was mid 21, when I was a senior in university and I got fed up with doing nothing about it and just taking the 'sit back and do well in school/life and let it happen approach'.

The problem with that approach, for me, was that it didn't work as long as I stayed the same nerd that I was. As soon as I slightly un-nerded myself (dress better, do my hair, etc) was that the girls who *came* to *me* and expressed interest (a few) weren't up to my expectations.

The one that did, well, I messed it up with her and I had a big thread on here about it lol. Actually, Martian helped me alot on that one (big thanx man!).

Anyways, after that I basically decided to *do something* about it instead of the "sit back and wait for it to happen approach". So what did I do?

I went out and talked to girls as much as I could. It didn't mean I was a crazy neurotic on the street who approached strangers all the time. It just meant that whenever I had a natural chance, I'd talk to them (sitting across a stranger in a school cafetaria, waiting in line at the bus stop, waiting in line at school for a sandwich, in class to the girl next to me, etc).

And when I talked to them, I wasn't just talking. I was practicing being flirtatious (without using canned pick-up lines, but if you need a start, try it with some canned ones). What you need to develop is the ability to remark on the natural context: the situational pick-up line. This is not really a pick-up line.. it just allows you to chat with most people naturally without putting them on guard.

So after I did this for a semester I got quite good at it. Simultaneously I did a warddrobe change, read up on fashion, and eventually settled into my own niche. I also developed / improved on interests that helped in socializing: singing, dancing, etc.

Anyways, the biggest advice I think is to just keep hanging out with anyone and everyone. It doesn't matter if its guys or girls. If you just keep hanging out (just to be social), the one who you like and who likes you will come along. And at that point, you will have the social skills to do something about it (cuz you have been developing them).

Hope that helps..

elydian

I'm going to take a slightly different approach to some of the other replies. A lot of the advice here is sound. However, if you're anything like me, merely trying to accept that "it's nothing" and "it'll happen when it happens" is not going to satisfy you or give you any peace of mind.

Consequently, I suggest losing it as soon as possible, either by following the "meet girls" advice above, or going the Amsterdam route. This way, you'll put your mind at ease, either by making you feel better that you're no longer a virgin, or merely finding out that it was no big deal after all. Either way, you'll be able to let it go and feel at peace.

__________________
Now watch this drive.

Sultana

If your sex drive or rather, your dissatisfaction with your sexual status is what it takes for you to stop working 11-12 hours a day, and to get out of the house when you're not working, then so be it. In my opinion, it's a good thing this bothers you, because it seems that you need a LOT of motivation to change your methodology. A girl's not going to just fall on your dick, man.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

noodle

My first thought when I read the thread title was "about as strange as a 27 year old female virgin." Who cares? I dated two other guys (less than twice each), both were assholes, neither were right for me and I moved on. I found the person I was looking for. Yeah, people made fun of me and whatnot, but what I found was soooo much better. He's still my only. He's got a few issues with that, but I don't. I know that it is different for women, from a societal point of view, but underneath it all it's only your perception that matters. Whether you wait for The One or jump in bed with your next-door neighbor, it will still happen when it's meant to happen.

__________________

snowy

You gotta put yourself out there, man, whatever that means to you.

As for prostitutes--if you go to a brothel out in Nevada, many of them test their girls for STDs on a VERY regular basis.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Kpax

Wow judging by these posts one would think that the solution is merely the effort away.

I think there is the possibility that some of us just weren't meant to have fun, and I'm really speaking for myself mainly. I hope I'm not the only one on the planet. It's hard to start from scratch and gather a group of friends, and even harder if you want that group to include a romantic aspect.

I mean, cliques are tight, and a lot of factors are involved in just who is able to just walk right into a circle. You have to have neutral looks, and a friendly personality, and looks that make that personality look friendly. W/out those, it's all uphill.

MrFriendly

You know it is hard, it is very hard.

Last year I moved to a new city and literally didn't know anyone there apart from my two flat mates that I moved up with.

Because there were lots of things I enjoyed doing, but could never find anyone to do them with. So I decided to just grow some balls and do them by myself, not only that, but enjoy doing stuff by myself.

So I'd go to a lot of live gigs alone, if I felt bored or lonely, I would force myself to strike up a conversation with total randoms. Slowly I started to get much better at this, and very slowly started to get to know people who would show up to the same gigs and seemed to share my passion for live music.

Now, at the end of last year I moved city again. I knew a few more people down here already, but I started to meet a hell of a lot more new people and make some decent friends because of a certain internet forum I spent a lot of time in. Essentially, it was a community of people that all shared a common interest for tech, and we were all from very different back grounds. But we all liked to come out to the city and meet up with each other and have fun. So that was one way I started to meet a lot of good people.

Meeting new people can be a daunting and scary thought, but the more you push yourself out of your social comfort zone, the easier it gets. And not just to meet people, but also get to know them. One of the biggest things i found was your confidence in myself sky rocketed, and man, since I've really found my feet and started to become very comfortable about who I am, I'm getting way more attention from girls than I ever had before. People really take notice of someone they can tell is confident about themselves.

You just gotta put yourself out there and do something that YOU enjoy doing and are comfortable with. But, you should be prepared to place yourself in awkward and difficult social situations in order to learn more about yourself. Once you start getting yourself out there you'll start to find other aspects of your life start to fall into place....with a little bit of effort of course

__________________
You are not a slave

Martian

The thing is, it's hard, but it's simple. It all boils down to just eating your social barriers and getting out there. Manning up, if you will. There's no workarounds, there's no easy way to do it. You go out and do things you enjoy doing and make a point to interact with no people while you're at it. You may even embarrass yourself a few times, but you keep doing it anyway.

The way I see it is, if you're asking for advice you must not be happy with the way you are now. So why not be the person you want to be? If you want to be social, why not just go out and do it? What's actually stopping you, apart from yourself?

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

MrFriendly

Hehehe, yeah, I've had some absolutely cringe worthy moments that I look back on and think "Oooooooooooh my god I can't believe I said that and how badly I handled that situation". But hey, yu learn from it and become a stronger person for it!

I still get put in social situations that simply frighten the shit out of me, but hell, I'm much better at just rolling with the punches and knowing when to just bow out.

Some people are just naturally very social and do this kind of thing with complete ease. It has never been something that has come easy to me and took a lot of effort and demon facing to get passed. But I have to say, all the terrifying and painfully awkward moments were totally worth it.

__________________
You are not a slave

vinz

Hello!Don't mind it seriously.You are very fortunate. Wait for the right time because you will come for that matter later.Don't be insecure about yourself!ok

Kate M

I'd like to add my ten cents worth by saying that you are not alone. I have been interviewing people about virginity loss for the past year and blogging about it and never cease to be amazed by the amount of virgins out there.

They all say the exact same things as you.

As someone once said to me, 'the only way out of this, is into it'. Ok, they wern't talking about virginity loss but you get what I mean. Jump into the game and make some mistakes. Say stupid stuff and don't worry about it too much. People find that kind of stuff surprisingly endearing. 'Mr Friendly' speaks some words of wisdom as well - find some people who like the same things as you - theres no better basis for a relationship of any kind.

I would only take issue with one point here and that was the person who said you will learn everything you need to know about sex from porn. Not true. The mechanics, perhaps. But the intracacies, the little things that make us all unique - no. Every woman is different and the only way to find out what she likes is to ASK!!! A lot of women don't have orgasms from men jack-rabbiting away on top of them. A woman will only love you more if you really communicate with her and find out what makes her tick. This is my number one bona fide best piece of advice possible. Communication is the only thing that leads to true intimacy.

Martian

Quoted for truth, and for hilarity.

Also true. However, I will state this now, so that it's been said. None of the guys here should be going to any brothels because your problem isn't actually your virginity; rather, it's the underlying issue that leads to your virginity, which is a lack of socialization. Attack the root issue, not the symptom.


So a big ol' welcome to Kate M, who with this post has established herself as a woman of much sagacity. I'd like to follow that up though and say that I don't think there's really even much porn that teaches you the mechanics of it effectively; I'm reasonably sure that if I were to attempt some of the positions seen in porn films, I'd either throw out my back or pop a knee out of place or have something similarly catastrophic happen.

Porn is fantasy. It's set up to be an ideal, and with good reason. If you're looking to get your rocks off, you probably don't want to see the bloke accidently smash his head off the bookshelf or the pair of them fall off the bed. You don't want to see the goofy orgasm faces people really make, so they make fake ones instead. Real women rarely look like that, real women do not make those faces or noises. Real women don't generally enjoy you doing your impression of a jackhammer on their cervix.

Real sex is fun. It's also funny, messy and a bit absurd. What it is not, ever, is what you see in porno flicks. So go on and get that idea right out of your head.

There's really not that much to know, except that you need to communicate and pay attention to your partner. If you can keep those two things in mind you've already learned everything you'll ever need to know about sex (and relationships in general, for that matter).

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Lasereth

When I say "sex is not a big deal" I meant the first time is not a big deal. Sure in general sex is a pretty big deal if you're in a new relationship or whatever but the virgin-losing first-time sex experience isn't a big deal.

__________________
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

Kate M

SO agreed re Sultana's post. I might have to find a way to work that into my blog. Still laughing about it.

And yes to everything you said about porn. Don't even get me started. I don't have a massive problem with it...I just wish that 1. women didn't look so stupid in it and 2. that this wasn't the way that sadly, a lot of young people find out about sex. The fact that a lot of them are here at the TF project instead, gives me much hope.

skibum

My answer: You think too much. Just don't worry about meeting someone, don't worry about sex, its all a bunch of crap. Relationships are overrated. They come with drama that isn't needed, and reward that isn't worth it. In the end none of it matters, so live your life how you want. Don't worry what anyone else thinks.

But I would take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm far from what anyone would call normal. I have no close relationships. Outside of work I only talk to 3 or 4 people, most of them I am lucky to talk to once a month (if that). Since may of 2006, outside of business transactions and family events, I have had almost no physical contact (a hug at a halloween party is it). I have more emotional attachment to my camera and car than to any person in my life.


And really, its not so bad to live like that.

match000

Its not good to worry about anything, but if you don't kick yourself into high gear and take action (you can start slow, but at least start doing something) then how will things ever get started.

I still don't recommend the sit-on-your-ass approach.. lol

vyrmillion

This may sound odd, but the more you care and worry the more you will make it not happen. If you go out with the focus to have sex - women can smell it almost like an antipheromone. They often prefer the confidence of nonchalance - but that can't be feigned. I reckon I have had more success after i was married and became single because I did not care so much. I did however not have sex till i was about 24 but only because i could not see the beauty of a drunken female - while my male friends took great advantage of the same situations. Oddly as one of the few dark skinned guys in my school it was assumed i was going to be shagging. Once i hit my stride in my mid 20's i married , then when seperated in my mid thirties - ?? well it is more fun and confidence is something my beloved ex wife (She really is a top lady we just dont get on) taught me. And when you get the chance - dont make it about 'geing off' make it about making it as cool as you can manage for her - it helps your focus / performance and eligibility for an invite back for a second , third or 23rd occasion. Oh and I sincerely wish you well - i dont wish you to get laid - just to feel more comfortable that the first opportunity has not arrived. I can say i have never woken with someone i regretted and my first time was sober (scarey as hell) but absolutely 'fucking awesome' - pardon the pun. And dont count the orgasms - taht game is a losing one. Neither of us came the first time for me - she always believed she could not and damn i was nervous. but despite her experience i taught her much and she defined the arena for me so so sweetly and expertly once we hit our stride. Daaamn - I digress! I have not done forums stuff before My pardon if i have talked too long. Do Widzenia !
Seeya cats oox
re 'The beauty of a drunken female statement by the way - a woman i know / admire and have the 'hots' for - if she drunkenly propositions me and is not too drunk - that is way different . but i just dont like a woman i dont know who is drunk ..... ok I will shut up - sorry sorry .
GL TY BB

Kpax

Man, I wish this were true. I mean, I guess it is, but...

kangaeru

In my own personal experience, it took finding my own inner confidence to get over the hump for the first time. I was 19 at the time, but I had been through my first year of college and thought I might be doomed.

I had however done everything else besides sex in my high school days so maybe sex didn't seem AS significant to me.

But, like Martian said, the root of this problem is the trouble you find socializing. The thing you've got to face is that you fear rejection from others, and your avoidance of this unpleasantness causes you to make no friends. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You've got to find some kind of core confidence to drawn upon. You've got to say to yourself, "I like myself. If this person doesn't like me, I don't give a fuck. I didn't know them before this moment, I will forget them five minutes from now. Life goes on."

When you can do that, you'll be able to define yourself to other people, and you'll find people who like you will just gravitate towards you. Either way, you need some kind of innate self-belief to shield you from being hurt by rejection or you're always going to doubt yourself because you have no strong sense of self-identity.

What do you stand for?

__________________
Dont be afraid to change who you are for what you could become

ForgottenKnight

I'm going to jump in here and say something for the first time in a very long time.

First, thank you all who responded to Spot1021's post.

Second, I would like to say I'm in a similar situation. I'm 24. I'll turn 25 in a few weeks and being a virgin at 25 started to scare the crap out of me. Long story short, I was questioning every belief I normally stand for and was going to abandon some of them just to have sex with a stranger from the casual encounters section of craigslist. I would like to note that she is probably one of the hottest woman (and hottest asses) I have ever seen a photo of, and would have been fulfilling her fantasy in order to have sex. But I no longer think that a one night stand, or a series of such, is something I really want to do. My very good friend MrRevolver and I were chatting and we concluded that to answer some of my questions I should look here. But instead of finding the answer to the question I came here looking for, the question I have been asking myself and choosing to ignore has been presented. Kangaeru said it best, "What do you stand for?" And in reading all the responses, I came to realize the answer to the question before it was even asked. What do I stand for? While I may have to still sort out a few things, I know what I don't stand for: what I was about to become.

I almost rushed into a lifestyle I partly idealized and partly hated, without thinking of the consequences. I started taking action without thinking it through, and had I continued along the lines of those actions, I would have ended up regretting it. I have some friends who push me to go get laid despite my resistance (and really bad luck at the bars when I did try) have slowly refined some of my social skills, but at the same time were turning me to become just like them. They were only looking at the recreational side of sex, but not the fact that they're all single, not able to hold down a lasting relationship, single parents or paying child support, and fighting with their exes. And I was seeing only the number of years old I was and looking at it from their views and beliefs, but not my own. Their want for me to join them in having sex all the time with random people for the pleasure of it is not what I really want. I'd rather have the pure long lasting relationships of some of my other friends who abstain from sex before marriage or had very few partners.

So my advice to myself and to Spot1021 is relax. Take action, but take it slow. Work towards changing yourself into the person you want to be rather than rushing into the opposite because it briefly looks appealing. Think things through, and then later on think it through again. Figure out the answer to kangaeru's question, "what do you stand for?"

__________________
"People say I'm strange, does that make me a stranger?"

EULA

Spot: You are not a failure.

Average_Joe

If it helps, I managed to make it all the way to 29, and only because the right opportunity never presented itself. Now that I'm married and have a family, I don't regret not taking care of my virginity when I was younger. Just be patient and find the right situation if it really matters to you.

__________________
I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.