Walking Shadow

My dad got married last September to a owman who is 18 years younger then he is, he's 68, she's 50. I don't have any problems with it, and obviously neither did they, nor did any of our relatives or friends.

I like a woman who is 16 years younger then I am, I'm 38, she's 22. I should also add that I dated a woman who was 12 years younger then I am, and started dating her when she was a senior in high school.

On other message boards when this type of issue comes up, it seems that invariably the poster in the relationship is condemned as being a "sicko/creep/weirdo/child molestor/(insert your insulting phrase here), mainly because they are taking advantage of an immature "virginal person" who has no clue about the big wide world or, if they are younger, are being taken advantage of by an older creep who wants nothing more then to bang their socks off with no emotional commitment, thus scarring them for life.

I guess it's the whole "immature/no emotional commitment thing" that bothers me the most because doesn't a huge part of being a young person revolve around being immature. Christ, these days sex in high school and college is as far from being emotionally involved as you can get.

So, how much of an age gap is too much?

5 years?

10 years?

You can also chime on on anything else I've said.

lankrypt0

To me it is more about the person than their age. I've known very immature 22 year olds who would not be able to handle a serious relationship. And I've met 22 years olds that would be fine with it.

The people in question both need to agree on the goals of the relationship and have the appropriate maturity level.

Redlemon

I've heard a "basic guideline" which is take the older person's age, divide in half, then add 7; that's the minimum publicly-acceptable age for the younger person. In your case, that would be 26.

Take that for what it is worth, which is probably nothing.

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Cynthetiq

My wife is 6 years younger than me. My mom is 6 years younger than my father.

As a rule initially I never dated anyone younger than me until I met one gal who was 15 and I was 19. I waited a few monhts until she was 16 to start dating her. Other than that all the ladies I dated were at least 1 year older than me.

Really it's about what is the individual no hard and fast rules.

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abaya

For what it's worth, my 70 year old uncle is probably going to die soon, and his 40-something wife is going to be up shit creek when that happens (after nearly 20 years of marriage). She's had to wait on him hand and foot because of his old age, but she loves him, so I don't know how much the age thing plays into it.

And my 59 (?) year old aunt has been married to her 42-year old husband for some 18 years, and she got tired of sex after menopause and he cheated on her. Lots. They had a real rough spot for a long time, mostly because of the sex (and him wanting younger women, when he hit his 30s). They're still married, but I don't know how happily.

There's my two data points for you.

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highthief

My wife is 7 years younger than me.

If the two people have thought it through and will be happy together as they age, who cares?

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james t kirk

It depends on how old you are. If a 40 year old is dating a 30 year old, it's no big deal.

If a 60 year old is dating a 20 year old, it will raise a few eyebrows.

I'm 42 and typically date to within 5 years of my age. Not by design, but by just how it works out sometimes. Last summer, I had a brief fling with a 24 year old woman. It was a bit of an ego boost, however, I felt a bit odd; mainly because we didn't seem to have that much in common.

The youngest I would consider dating now is say 29 I'd say.

It all boils down to the two people involved.

Saint

My dad was 20 when my mom was born.

I never really considered it weird until high school, when I told my friends of the age discrepancy.

I don't see it as a bad thing, though. Why does it matter?

pornclerk

I think it depends on what age you are and who the person is. 20 and 35 is a big difference where as 45 and 60 is not so much.

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Jetée

Society always tries to impose its rationale and fear onto those that feel that it shouldn't be such an issue.


Age should not matter in the slightest(except for the possibility of children in the relationship) IF the persons involved are compatible and truly enjy being with one another. Why should society and onlookers(in essence, complete strangers or those unaware) be a factor in determining your happiness?


It depends solely on the mindset of the people involved in the relationship.


Period.

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Ilow

I'm 33 now and i've been talking to this girl who is in her early 20's and she seems far more mature and worldly than the 28-year-old i went out with last week. I try to stay in shape, both mentally and physically and am pretty current on trends, but if i "acted my age" i wonder how I'd feel about the whole thing. A friend of mine once said to me "i can't re-capture my own youth, so I might as well take someone else's" (as she pranced off with a guy 6 years her junior).

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McFrosticles

My girlfriend is 24, I am 20. Really, age is not a factor at all. We don't even realize the age difference unless somebody brings it up.

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analog

When I was 21, I was with a 18 year old at one point. No one batted an eye.

However, I was also with her when I was 20 and she was 17, and when I was 19 and she was 16. Just that 3 year difference gets a little bit of a look at 16/19, when it gets none at 18/21.

(*note- before you get all excited, we didn't happen to have sex until she was 17, which was a perfectly legal age for a sexual partner of mine to be, with me at 20. It wasn't planned that way, that's the way the timing worked out because of when we started dating, etc.)

bluestars87

I have this method I go by. I'm 19, and at my current age level I would only date girls within a two year gap. So 17-21. As I get older, I'll increase that gap. So when I turn twenty, I'm thinking of increasing the gap to three years. So 17-23. And so on, and so forth. You just need to decide how often you want to change the gap through the method I use. I still might stay at 2 years if I turn 20 for example.

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Laugh-O-Matic

If the age difference crosses one generation, I'd look down upon it. No 19 year- old-dating-a-60-year-old Lolita styles for me.

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Creizen

My dad is 68 and my mum 41, so thats a 27yr difference, they never had any problems, my dad is really fit for his age and doesn't really have any health problems at all yet. It's simply down to the type of people. Labelling older men as creeps is a generalisation, but I guess a lot of the time it does ring true. Though my dad was a porn photographer before he retired, and thats when he met my mum....

What is interesting I think, is a older woman with a younger guy, my friend at uni is 19 and his gf is about 36 I think. They seem to have a really good relationship but I wonder what will happen when they get older.

hagatha

It always seems to be less of an issue if the guy is older than the woman, but heads turn and people start wagging their fingers if the woman is. You get names like "cougars" if the woman is looking for a younger man, but there is no derogatory label for a man seeking someone a lot younger.
That bugs me.

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Jetée

"Cradle Robber" comes to mind, as well as "Lecherous Old Man"...

not exactly endearing terms for a man to hear...

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Sultana

I would say that if one is looking or attracted to a gal simply because she is younger and thus, in their eyes, more attractive solely in a physical, superficial way, then yes it's icky.

If one cannot ever carry on a meaningful relationship with a female closer to one's own age, but instead needs someone not as demanding or mature, then it's icky.

If you both have a real connection, and can make conversation as well as knock boots (old skool alert!) then it's not icky.

But be honest about the connection part.

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hagatha

Oh yeah, and "dirty old man" too. How could I forget?
Point taken Jet.

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Jinn

What's wrong with that? No matter how politically correct we get, it's a natural fact that younger people are more attractive than older people.

I don't really think there should be an age "limit" (beyond those sensible for sub 18) because physical age is very often entirely not linked to emotional age. You can't talk about relationships in terms of physical age simply because "the number of years since my birth" really says nothing about the person or their emotional maturity. Realistically there should be a 5 year "emotional age" limit in people dating, but it's not something we're used to quantifying.

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Sultana

Well, what I mean is that if there are two equally beautiful women, and one becomes more attractive to a guy solely based on the fact that she is younger than the other, then I think that's icky.

I know I'm not saying this the clearest way possible, but if that low age number is what is catching the attention, I do think that's icky. I also have a problem with the "TEEN, BARELY LEGAL" pr0n sites and promotions as well.

And for the record, I don't think younger people are automatically more attractive than older people.

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troit

My rule was always 1/2 your age +7. This seems to take care of society's view of age difference - the older we get, the less it seems to matter.

Examples:

If your 20 - you can date a 17 year old.

If your 60 - you can date a 37 year old.

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hagatha

It really depends on the 60 year old. You know, when you're in your late 30's and early to mid -40's you're in your stride. Career's on track, if you've got kids they are pretty much grown and life is wide open. Dating someone who's getting ready to retire and may or may not be in the best of health is not necessarily the way to go.
Use all the formulas you want, I agree with Sultana, there has to be somekind of real chemistry to make any relationship work, and don't kid yourself, significant age differences can and do cause problems.

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World's King

Doesn't matter.


As long as it's legal.

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Plan9

Yeah, I was gonna say:

Between 18 and 80 and less than 2 weeks dead.

That's desperation for ya. Cobwebs on my junk.

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tenniels

I don't have a set age number that I'm willing to date, but I tend to date guys that are in my age range, not that I set out to do so, it's just the way it happens. I don't really care what other people do, if their relationship works, whatever right? Although, my mum is dating this loser that is pretty much right in between us age wise. I think he is not enough of a man to date me, mind you my mum, but that is just because I care a great deal for my mum and think she deserves a whole helluva lot better. I'm trying to get over it and just be happy that she's happy. Truthfully, I'd hate him no matter his age, so I don't know if I can say age factors into it at all. Anyways, my last boyfriend was a couple years younger than me (I'm 24) and it was a pretty big deal in retrospect. Now, this could just be that his personal level of maturity was not in line with mine, or it could be a general thing that guys a bit younger and I do not match up in that area, who knows. I guess every trait is very individual and I could end up dating a 20 year old guy next and we'll match up just fine. I don't ever see myself dating a Jack Nicholson-type or anything though, as intriguing his type is (older playboy) I just wouldn't be able to do it and not laugh all the time about how ridiculous it all would be.

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Martian

You do what makes you happy. Both my sister and one of my best friends are with guys in their mid thirties; my sister is 25 and my friend is 23. I personally have spanned a four year age gap (23 to 19) and though that's as far as I've gone to date I wouldn't have any issues with longer spans in either direction, provided that I enjoy the girl's company and am attracted to her. As long as you're not dating a minor I really have no issue with it.

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little_tippler

I don't think it matters as long as the people are happy.

My parents had a 12 year age gap.

I know two couples where the age differences are 20 and 24 years.

Who cares?

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noodlebee

I honestly don't know. When you are young, the age difference seems huge. When you are older, the age difference doesn't have such a big taboo. I think the main reason for this is because of education system. When you are young, you have so many different transfers: kindergarten to primary, primary to secondary (or middle/high school), etc.

But when you become the age for a university student, there is less transfer variation. You are usually studying, working or both. By default, you have already reached sexual maturity and your thinking is different because of past experiences.

But I think these things can confine. The "this is illegal" statement seems too strange for me. I used to know a very young girl (mid-teens at the time) who became the girlfriend of my friend (30-something). While I admit I do not enjoy this girl's company, they were very good as a couple and loved each other. I was closer to my friend and he told me that she used to have a horrible past. She experienced many things that I never did even though I was older than her. So why confine her preference if she wants to love an older man instead of her immature teenager peers?

I think this "paedophilia" concept attached to an issue as presented by the original poster is somewhat paranoid. Well, it is more like sex-related issues have this paranoid aura. For example, a father is holding his daughter but she is crying and screaming for her mother. Other people so quickly assume he is a paedophile. I remember a friend holding her nephew at the mall. She was very young and people talked loudly behind her, assuming she was a teenage mother.

As for the law itself, I honestly don't know if it is good or bad. It is good to prevent true paedophiles and immature teenagers. It is bad for mature teenagers and sincere older adults who just want a normal healthy relationship.

sapiens

They aren't automatically more attractive than older people, but youth and attractiveness judgments are highly correlated, especially in women.

If you look at relationship research, as men age, they prefer prefer women increasingly younger than themselves. The only age group of men that prefer women slightly older than themselves are teens.

Women generally prefer men older than themselves. Averaged across cultures, women prefer men about 3.5 years older than themselves.

Infinite_Loser

Age ain't nothing but a number. So long as you and her can deal with it, then what other people think is irrelevant.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Age differences are more pronounced when you're younger.
Mutual attraction (and respect) tend to conquer all.

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xepherys

Jetstream said is best... it just doesn't matter. What does age have to do with emotion? I mean, once a person is, say... legal, at least for social norms, who cares what the age difference is?

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Telluride

The only time I ever find big age differences to be "icky" is when you see someone who's, like, 19 years old sleeping with/dating/marrying a really, really old person. And that's just because I suspect that somebody is being used. If I knew the facts and determined that wasn't the case, I wouldn't complain.

I personally wouldn't want there to be more than about 10 or 15 years age difference with the women I date (since I'm 30, I wouldn't date women under 18 for moral/legal reasons, but you get the idea). I wouldn't want to be an active, healthy 40 year old man with a girlfriend or wife in her 70's or 80's who couldn't go out and do much. Nor would I want to the opposite; where I was the really old guy who was too physically fragile to go out and have fun with my young girlfriend/wife.

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iamtheavalanche

it shouldnt matter much anyways unless its obviously a little kid. i mean, when i was a senior in high school. i was labeled as a pedophile jus for talking to a girl (since she was only 15 and i was 18).

imo, as long as the girls ok and you guys arent doing things that break the law then i think it shouldnt matter. but yeah, thats just my opnion.

ItWasMe

It doesn't really strike me one way or the other seeing other couples with age differences. Personally, for maturity reasons, I prefer someone no less than 5 years younger or 10 years older. (Although hubby is my age.) Any younger/older than that, they seem to be in different stages in life than I am with different goals, etc.

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Deltona Couple

I still get a laugh at people's reactions when I tell them that I am one year closer in age to my wife's mother, than I am to her! (currently wife is 28, I am 39, and her mom is 49)

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abaya

Y'know, I do a lot of research about marriage migration (a.k.a. mail-order brides, or chat-room brides in this day and age), and I have to be honest and say that when I see a birthdate for a husband being in 1936, and the birthdate for the wife being 1977... honestly, yeah, that does set off my "creepy as hell" alarm. Are the rest of you actually okay with something like that?? Especially when the couple has never met before, and one person flies across the world to get married to a total stranger... and there's a massive age difference... I just don't know how I could live with that. Each to their own, clearly.

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Sweetpea

I could not have said it better myself Sultana.


my brother in law is married to a woman 17 years his junior... she was 14 when they met, he was 31 ... he married her after she turned 17 her mother had to sign minor emancipation papers.............. They have been married 11 years now... and the Ick factor still remains because she still acts childlike and he treats her like that.... Their couple dynamic is pretty wierd for all of us to be around and that has not changed with time.

Seeing this situation has skewed my views on age differences, I personally would not go more than 8-10 years in either direction... but in the end... it's the couples' decision, not mine.

Thanks,

sweetpea

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