Creizen

Hey so I have a problem which just makes me uncomfortable, basically my gf still seems to be so infatuated with her ex, and every male friend of hers she ever introduces me to, is a person she's had sex with.

Now I trust my gf, we spend nearly all our time together atm, I love her immensly but its just incredibly uncomfortable for me to accept these people being in my life, her ex, and ex-lovers. I've talked with her about it, but she seems to take it as some offence that I don't like her friends. Now I know you stay good friends with your ex's and lovers, but as an example, her ex boyfriend phones her and she's like "I miss you so much" , acting all happy, "I miss your voice". I mean is this weird or am I just overreacting when I feel uncomfortable. She's doing this right next to me, like I'm not there. Whenever I'm doing work in my apartment, i.e I've not got time for her, she goes and talks to her ex-boyfriend. I once caught sight of a message before "You'll always be in my heart, but If I think of you, I'll fall in love with you again". I think she was just trying to placate him, my trust is still strong for her, but why does she have to be like this?

The other example of her ex-lovers is this guy she always wants to see if we walk near his house, who she thinks is amazing, but is infact this utter dumbass, letch of a guy who when they meet tries to get his hands all over her. He infact months ago promised his undying love for her. He just employs women and then corners them into sex as far as I can gather. He's a complete fake basically but she can't see it. Anyway there are many other examples of this kind of thing, guys from clubs etc, this really annoying guy who keeps calling her, asking her for sex all the time, even though he's met me. I mean argh!

The situation before was this : when we first got together, she had like 3 boyfriends at once.. Anyway the ex I talk about is the one she only really contacted online, I think they met once. But anyway when we met she dumped them all. ( I'm actually good friends with one of them now, he's actually a nice guy, he's helped me with getting a job..). Anyway the one online basically just didn't believe her dumping him, and still just acts like he's with her, and she doesn't really do anything about that.

In all of this, am I just overreacting, being jealous, not trusting, I mean I feel I trust her, so in that way why would I be bothered about anything, but its not that, its the guys that annoy me, guys which just use her, and she's too naive to realise. Then I think, am I just another person, using her for my own love. I feel I mainly want to make her enjoy things and be happy, that makes me happy, is that selfish?

I wouldn't think of ever introducing her to my ex-girlfriends/one night stands, it'd be really uncomfortable for me also. I mean a few of my relationships we just broke up as "friends" but we never really kept in contact that much longer because we found other people. My gf seems like she doesn't want to let go.

In the end I think I'm a mix of jealousy(sort of like just wanting her to forget all the people she's cared about, and only care for me) and being uncomfortable. Does anyone have some idea about this situation, or similar situations and how they feel and dealt with it? I know I'm not perfect, but I really want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, and just make her happy, experience everything with her. It just seems her past keeps on interrupting us and she doesn't want to let it go.

ratbastid

Sounds like you'll either get over your jealousy or you'll be the next ex that she adores.

match000

i am not too experienced relationship wise.. but it seems like you need to accept her for who she is and how she acts. If that is the way she is then its kind of hard to change her.. unless she really really cares for you, then she would change it (stop it) if you asked her to nicely, or maybe she would automatically do it if you truly became the only one in her heart.

I think you know the truth but am just too afraid to admit it.. (that you are not the only one in her heart). I guess either keep that in mind and don't fall too deep, or if you do fall too deep, keep in mind that you could get hurt..

Jinn

Each to their own, I suppose.

If I were in your situation I'd be running for the nearest exit. I'd never expect to be treated that way by a SO, as they should know how uncomfortable that is.

I wouldn't date this girl. There are better ones with less self-abusive tendencies, better friends, and a better sense of empathy for their current boyfriend's feelings.

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shakran

I'm with JinnKai. There's nothing wrong with having friends, not even anything wrong with having friends who used to be more. But "you'll always be in my heart?" "If I think of you I'll fall in love again?" Come on. She needs to mature before she's ready for commitment, or at least acknowledge to herself and you that she is not a commitment-oriented person. Of course, your first clue should have been that she was willing to have 3 boyfriends at once. That was kind of a hint that she might not bend towards monogamy.

dlish

looks like she's an attention seeker. the second your not giving her any of your attention she's talking to another guy.

she adores the attention and i wouldnt think she's gf material honestly.

as for her ex that u met but still asks her for sex.. call him up and tell him your gonna kick the fucko ut of him.. basicalluy he thinks she fair game and your a dweeb. grow some muscles and kick the shit out of the fucker. then tell the bitch to fuck off

phewwww.. glad i got THAT off my chest

okay.. i didnt say that....what i meant was.. shes no good for you. you can find someone better

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tooth

She's giving you very good reasons to feel jealous and not trust her. She seems to have little regard for your emotions. Not good relationship material in my book. Time to check out, cause she's not likely to change her ways.

seretogis

Drop her like a bad habit and find someone who isn't so self-involved as to be completely blind to what she's doing and who she is doing it to.

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World's King

At least you know that when you break up with her that you'll still be friends.



Run. Leave. Get away. Or just beat the shit out of her ex.

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Cynthetiq

sorry she reminds me of these kinds of people...

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lankrypt0

Friendhip is one thing, but some of the examples you gave are a little strange. Best bet is to talk to her about it, let her know how it makes you feel uneasy and take it from there. If she really cares about the relationship, she would modify her behavior to make you feel a little more comfortable.

Like I said friendship is one thing, but that kind of "heavy flirting" is a little weird.

And Cynthetiq, I am certainly looking at that

analog

quoted for truth. every last word. go find another chick who isn't so inclined to latch onto anyone giving her attention. THAT is why all her male friends have had sex with her.

Plan9

I refuse to be in a relationship with a woman who still hangs out with guys that used to their meatswords in her regularly.

Call me a cave man, but that's just bad juju.

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Creizen

Oh that guy isn't her ex, some fuck buddy I guess, I told him where to go last time he called a month or so back, she doesn't like him, but the thing is shouldn't she be the one severing these things, not me.

And yes I could beat the living shit out of him, but he has a truck load of friends in this city apparently, and I have just recently moved here, they like control the good clubs, it wouldn't be a wise move, so I just told him where to go.

You all seem to think I should vamoose from this relationship before I get hurt. Other story I forgot was the only friend I met of hers she hasn't had sex with, was someone she told me she used to think she was in love with, and for some reason I have no idea what but she had a threesome with that guy's two best friends. She's always calling that guy too, the one she "used to think she loved".

I'm leaving back to my country in 2 months, she wants me to come back as soon as I can, so I'll talk to her again about them.

And yeah she is a kind of attention whore, she just doesn't want to let go of people's affections for her, or stop them, these past guys I mean.

If I even give the slightest attention to any woman or my work involves meeting with a female client or anything, she gets really jealous.

Plus I'm not sure about the comments she made to her ex- bf, the point is I did steal her from him, and maybe she wanted to placate him, because that guy made a ton of threats to me. I don't want to be all accusing when I don't really know everything. But then I don't want to be played with.

I am afraid that I'm not the only one in her heart, but her last relationships were just cut off by me, I just thought maybe those things are not so easy to cut off so simply. But I don't think she'd leave me for them, I mean I'm the first bf she's introduced to her parents, we moved in together after a week of meeting, when I do look in her eyes, and she says she loves me, I don't feel like she's lying. But in all this I could still be acting naive.

Maybe she's just doing this to get a reaction out of me, to see how much I care about that kind of thing, its not the first time girls do these tests on me, to test my reaction, obviously that would mean she doesn't trust me fully.

This is problem with having a hot high maintenance gf....

Bear Cub

No one has that many sex partners, and then changes their habits out of the blue for what seems to be a half-assed attempt on her part of being in a committed relationship. She wants it all, and wants to keep every possible door open so she can jump train cars if the need arises.

Puppy love is not worth trying to make work. The look on someone's face doesn't mean shit. Hell, I was ready to MARRY a woman who told me she loved me every day for nearly three years, and then wouldn't you know it, when it all came crashing down, she admitted to seeing other people (and I know she was screwing them too, but I had no need to walk down that road at this point, I just wanted out).

As soon as you're gone, she'll be all over those other guys, and vice versa. You're young, you're moving, and there's no concrete evidence anywhere that she's worth sticking around for. Hell, she had three boyfriends at once, so she obviously has no where near the level of maturity or dedication to hold a real relationship.

Get rid of her while it's still easy.

Creizen

I mean I've had experience with gf's cheating, they've never been like this though, my first gf was a complete nympho so it was no surprise, my 2nd was a lying bitch. So the first two relationships in my life were fucked up. This relationship is different though. I think she has changed, all her girl friends say she's changed completely to me. She is young however, 19, and its not like she's really that mature. I put her down to experimenting whilst she's young, I mean I've had more sex partners than her( but I'm not in contact with any of them), I used to different too. But I guess the solution is still to try to talk with her. She just doesn't she it from my perspective though. What do I say?

"Hey I want you to never contact any guys you've had sex with again, else I'm leaving you."

"Babe, I'm going to go on a murder spree if you don't let go of your past relationships."

I just don't know how to get things across to her, like I said I tried before and she just went into offence silent mode.

noodlebee

Something sounds suspicious here. Such behaviour seems rather extreme if she allows herself to have this sort of "friendship" with other men but does not allow you to even have small communication with women friends. This is very hypocritical. Have you talked to her about her past? What was her past relationships like with other people, including platonic frienships with women and relationships with family? It just seems to me she is extremely insecure, which is why some people in this thread say "attention whore". It is not an unfounded statement, but there must be some reason.

Regardless, I think you both need a compromise. You have good reasons for jealousy but it may be a good idea to try being less jealous for a while and see if her actions have drastic changes (e.g. she has sex with someone else but not telling you). She has already made some compromise just by telling you about her sex life in the past. Some people can be embarrassed to say such things to their significant other so it is good of her to let you know. But it would be nice to see her take one extra step by seeing things in your shoes and try displaying to her friends more explicitly "I am Creizen's girlfriend only."

Johnny Rotten

Get out while you still have your sanity. Relationships are supposed to be beneficial to your mental state. When they are not, you find another. That's the freedom you have when she doesn't have a ring on her finger. That is your right. She does not appear to have any appreciation for commitment, and at her age, you can't really expect it. From the sound of things, she is not in the mindset to be in a relationship. Eventually she will resent your perspective and fuck someone behind your back, and it won't get better from there.

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Ourcrazymodern?

sex does not equal love.

Where is YOUR heart?

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World's King

She likes strong men.


You're being a pussy. Stand up to her and her bullshit.

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Plan9

I second the "Quit being a disgusting labial split" vote.

Women are like a nice cold beer. You really don't like to throw them away when you've just started... but remember: It is just a beer. There will be more.

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jmad

Does your GF have many girlfriends? I used to know a girl that acted just like your SO, who loved attention from guys, especially her ex boyfriends. Lots of guy friends, only a few girlfriends. It's just the way she is, so if it makes you uncomfortable, bail ASAP.

GK.12.3

The second you do that is the second you LOOSE. Women are the ones that need us. Not us. If this guy runs after this girl who is apparently disrespecting him, then he is just whipped when he shouldn't be.

Anyway,

She IS getting a pleasure out of it and using it as a way to keep you in check. Simply put, if it's not you then it's them.

If this is really the case, I'd dump her right away. If she knows that you love her she wouldn't be putting you through this because it is essentially hurting you.

Your jealousy is normal BUT is a product of her actions - which are inappropriate.

I suggest you don't "love" her and start listening to Tom Leykis before you screw up your life with a girl who obviously has no sense of respect towards you.

I might not have enough experience to say this but there are a lot of fish in the sea. Fuck them, dump them. She's not worth keeping and I wouldn't abide with bullshit like this. There are so many other women out there who will appreciate you for who you are...

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World's King

That's why I said to stand UP to her. Let the bitch go.

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Creizen

I guess I've only portrayed the bad things about her. Anyway I talked to her again, I sorted it out it seems. See how things go.

Its easy for you guys to just say drop her when you're not remotely emotionally attached to it. Plus my situation is a bit messy (the apartment is in her name atm).

But thank for the advice guys.

OzOz

Sounds just like my last girlfriend. Very sweet girl, but had huge amounts of male friends and no female friends that I was aware of. In the last two months, when she had finally moved to live with me after a two year long distance relationship, she would spend all evening "looking for work" and chatting with other guys online and would accept invitations to head out with them, but she'd get paranoid if I so much as smiled at another woman.

I have to agree with everyone else here. This one is much more trouble than she's worth. If she's not willing to live by the same deal that she expects from you, then she's really not a keeper.

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Vlad

Trust me on this one, avoiding a "messy" situation is a really, really bad reason to stay in a relationship. You can find another apartment if you need to, or stay with a friend, or find somebody looking for a roommate. Yes, if you do end up breaking things off then you're going to have to relocate, but it really is a minor inconvenience compared to living every day miserable (if that's the case).

In the end, it really does boil down to weighing the good against the bad. Do the bad things make you more miserable than the good things make you happy? It's very easy to let yourself just sit and hope things get better, if only to avoid "rocking the boat", but that doesn't solve anything. It's rare that a relationship will completely deteriorate to the point where there's absolutely no good left, so the simple fact that there are still good things in the relationship shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in the face of something that you'd consider to be a major issue.

Creizen

Its very difficult to find another apartment, I'm in china, I can't speak fluent mandarin or cantonese, and I don't have a massive amount of money, I'd need help, no friends in this city yet really. The only reason I'm here is for her, I can do my work from anywhere so if I left her, I'd have to fly back home, but my flight is in 2 months, I don't have the money to rebook it, and I don't think theres a chance. It is a massive inconvenience to relocate atm, though theres always a hotel. My parents could bail me out, but things really aren't anywhere that bad I feel.

I think the good does outweigh the bad a lot right now, which is why I'm willing to keep going. I'm not really miserable with the problem, just uncomfortable, somewhat jealous, I just wanted a way to make her understand, talking to her at first just didn't work, but then now I think about it, the first time i talked to her about it, it was that time of the month.

She does have a lot of female friends too, I think maybe I just appeared at point in her life where all her male friends were men pursued. A few years ago all my female friends were pretty much girls I was interested in dating/had already dated. I think this is her first serious relationship, in reality its really my first serious relationship, or well one I've taken seriously.

GK.12.3

Enjoy it while it lasts and get the heck out when you get a chance.
All of the talking that she does behind your back suggests that she is either insecure or does not fully value you and the relationship that you have created.
She's left other people before. I don't see why she won't leave you based on the facts you've stated. Stop the damage before it gets to you and save yourself some trouble as suggested.

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waltert

+1

katyg

Women are like a nice cold beer. You really don't like to throw them away when you've just started... but remember: It is just a beer. There will be more.[/QUOTE]

jeeez, did u ACTUALLY just say that? are we living in the 1920's? do women just belong in the kitchen and bedroom again?

for goodness sake.

noodlebee

Have you talked to your girlfriend again after the first time when she had "that time of the month"? What was her second reaction? Is it safe to assume that she is Chinese? If so, I can somewhat understand the misconception of being an "attention whore". If her family is very traditional, she must have suppressed many things and became unhappy when she was still living with them. In adulthood, there is this huge shouting "FREEDOM!!" in her head and she will want to try and do the things she was not allowed. This was the same for me when I was told to go to Canada by myself to study. I was too innocent to take strong drugs or have sex, but I did go dancing and drinking a lot. Hahahaha... It takes some time for this shouting "Freedom!" to become dim. And then she will become more mature, so it doesn't seem to be a big worry, in my opinion.

There is something you can do if things truly turn bad. Take the train and live in Hong Kong. It was a British colony before 1997 so more people will understand English. If you are not Asian, you can earn extra money part time as an English tutor. There is a huge demand for native English tutors, and it is even better if you know other European languages. You should have no problem using public things like the bank and taxi because most people can at least listen to English even if they do not reply properly. I have not returned home for a long time, but if not much has changed, most of the street signs, shop names and other things are still bilingual (traditional Chinese and English).

MrFriendly

Hehe, I think it was just a tonge in cheek comment Katyg.

Crompsin has a rather keen sense of morbid and dry humor

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Cimarron29414

Sounds like you have it all figured out: Have a good time for the next two months, have LOTS of sex with her. Go back home. By the time you can afford to come back, she will be long gone. This woman will not be faithful to you with you IN town, much less out of town. She wouldn't be faithful to you if you didn't live with her, and I bet she isn't being faithful anyway.

She has deep self-esteem issues that drive her to seek affirmation from men. If you stop playing her game, she will drop you. She also lives for drama, although she might not realize it. So, breaking up with her over "your" jealousy issues just affirms her desirability from men. She is probably a manic.

There is this train and you are sitting on it. Fifty miles ahead, the track runs off a 300 foot cliff. You have been warned - it's up to you what you want to do.

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Cervantes

I have to second Cimarron29414 he's got a good point.

Personally I would just have as much fun with her as I could then happily look back at getting out of it before getting too involved and end up hurt. She's obviously in it for some other reason than finding a serious partner.

Have fun, when you go away just give her the "You are a great gal but not really what I'm looking for at this stage in my life" - breakup. Getting involved with someone who can't respect your feelings has a high probability to end in you getting hurt really badly. That doesn't mean you can't have fun with her, just be aware of what you are doing and keep the distance so you don't get too involved.

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liamfoster

She is definitely an attention seeker, she craves for attentions, whether or not you give her enough.
I suggest you to act disitnerested/indifferent about this whole situation, because as soon as you'll point this out on her she'll feel you're loosing self confidence, she will detect at once your insecurity, and an insecure men is less attractive to a woman.
I recommend you to turn this into your advantage: tease her! as soon as she receive an sms.... go ahead and say... you are a player you! with a smile in your face, make her laugh and tease her about this, then act disinterested.
Be confident and cocky as much as you can, and I know this is the hardest thing because you'd just like to have some reassurances from her, but dont look for them!
Good luck.