Doctor_Max

So my girlfriend and I were talking last night and apparently she has feelings for another guy, but still wants to marry me (we were engaged but called it off about a month ago). She wants to see whether these feelings are nothing or if there is something more. And to do this, she wants to break up with me and date him for a bit. She says one day she'll show up at my door and I'll know that she's mine. At this point, I still love her with all my heart and still want to marry her. But shes liked this guy for a couple months.

I don't know whether I should wait around for her or not. She says she'll know in a month but I don't know how certain she is. I should mention that she's my first girlfriend and we're both juniors in college. I've known her since high school but have only dated her about a year.

I just don't know what I should do. I really love her still and she tells me that she loves me too (I really believe her), but for her to give the other guy a fair chance she can't be in a relationship with me. I want to be with her but it hurts so much right now to be in limbo like this.

tenchi069

Why should you agree to be anyone's back up plan? I know you love this girl but you really are better off with someone that wants you more than anyone else, and not with someone that will settle for you if something else doesn't work out.

On the other hand, she may just be getting the whole cold feet at the thought of being married and spending all her time with one person the rest of her life. Even if that is the case, the chances of her being ready for marriage are slim.

Bad situation all around, and I really hope everything works out for you.

-tenchi

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ERROR- PLBSAK
Problem Lies Between Seat and Keyboard.

ratbastid

It's times like this that make me happy to be a polyamorist. We just don't have to deal with shit like this.

A few weeks ago I got some bites on a two-year-old profile I put up on a dating site. I'm meeting one of those girls this week. I'm really excited about it, and so is lurkette. There's an emotion that poly folks call "frubble" which is sometimes referred to as the opposite of jealousy. It's the feeling of joy you get from seeing someone you love being happy and in love with someone else. It's not always an easy place to get to; you have to pierce your jealousy first. But it's an amazing experience.

(She also thinks that me being with another woman is very hot. So no matter how it goes with that woman, I'll be getting laid. )

I know this doesn't help you much. Just try to remember that love, being an intangible phenomenon, is not by its nature a finite and quantifiable commodity. The more you love, the more capacity you have for love.

rockogre

Run! Run fast and far. I've seen this episode several times. Crewman number six always dies, and you, my friend, are crewman number six.

And I am sorry!

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Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

Ustwo

Oh dear god, you fell for this?

I know love makes you stupid, I've been there too, but don't be stupid. Let me translate her actions for you.

She likes you, she may even think she loves you, but shes not sure you are good enough/the right one for her. She wants to see if there is something better out there, and doesn't care much how it will affect you. She is out for herself. I once read that love is a condition where the happiness of someone else is more important than your own happiness. By this definition she is not in love, and I'm willing to go with this definition.

My belief is that in the long run her personality is such that even if she chooses you are the one to marry, she will also be the type to seek divorce if thing get difficult and something that seems better comes along.

While I normally see eye to eye with ratbastid on these issues, don't get confused with his polyamory post. Thats a very special situation, and does not apply to young relationships as far as I am concerned so don't think in this case you are doing the loving thing by waiting while she tries to find your replacement.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Bill O'Rights

I cannot stress this enough...get out now! Trust me, you've just been relegated to the status of "insurance policy".

I know from where I speak. I've been there...I've done that. And...I didn't even get a damn t-shirt.

Yes...love does make you stupid. Don't be dumb as well. You came to us for advice. That's a good start. So...here's my advice:
Think with your head, and not your heart. Your heart doesn't have all the information that your brain does.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

absorbentishe

What's the saying, set her free and if she returns it was meant to be? Something like that.

I was looking at it sort of selfishly, if she wants to see another man, tell her you're going out with another woman. Either she agrees, or she goes ballistic. If the later, then you have the right to throw that back at her. If the first, get the velour drapes, you're heading down swingers row!!

ShaniFaye

I have to agree with Ustwo...in a relationship like lurkettes and RB's and like mine and Daves....we do NOT say....oh Im interested in somebody else....I want nothing to do with you while I find out if they are good in the sack.

Either she loves you enuff to marry you or she doesnt (and Im so sorry to say it sounds like she doesnt) She really expects you to let her run off with somebody else for *a month* and then automatically take her back if the guy figures out what a psycho she is and turns her down? (or something similar)

Hon, no woman that loved and cared about you would put you in this position this way. A woman that loved and cared about you would just tell you flat out....right now I just dont think you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and would walk away.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

snowy

This woman is simply practicing emotional fuckwittage.

Get out while you have a chance.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Sage

Let's examine the title of your post, shall we? I think it's summed up nicely there:

Exhibit A: "She still loves me"
Exhibit B: "She wants to see someone else"

Now, I'd say those two are mutually exclusive. She really has relagated you to insurance policy. She's a junior in college, and is going "OH MY GOD! I'm a JUNIOR in college! What the hell am I thinking going to get married! I don't wanna have to cancel Cosmo and start reading Redbook!"

The urge for her to sow her wild oats has taken hold, and unfortunately you're left holding the short end of the stick in this situation. But let me clue you in on something: she has just saved you years of greif and a very messy divorce by breaking up with you now instead of when you were married. I know she's your first girlfriend, and you always fall the hardest with your first love, but as people say- there's your first love and then there's your true love, and very rarely are they the same person.

Best of luck- I know it's hard now, but just smile and get on with it, and the perfect woman will come your way- one that won't leave when the going gets tough

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Bill O'Rights

"If you love something, then set it free. If it returns to you, it is yours. If it does not...it never was."

Although...I always prefered;
"If you love something, then set it free. If it returns to you, it is yours. If it does not...then hunt it down and kill it."

Ummm...just to clarify, Doctor_Max...that was not advice. OK?
That was just a parady on an old sappy hippy-dippy piece of poster philosophy. That's all.
Oh...and by the way, I didn't mean to be so cold? Calous? up there. I know it sucks. I know that your heart's just been ripped from your chest and had a bite taken out of it. But...I have been there. Trust me that it will work out for the best.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Ustwo

As someone who has been an on again, off again swinger, this is nothing like swinging.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Jinn

I'm of the opinion that if she finds someone better than me, she should pursue it with as much forthrightness and zest as she can. I've never felt that she should feel "bound" to me, as if I were the end-all man-of-men. And I'm confident enough to know that either (a) she's disillusioned by the percieved grandeur of this other person and will return soon or (b) she truly has found a better match for herself, and I am glad for her.

For me to be jealous of her other interests would be tantamount to feeling like she was my "possession." I realize others feel differently, but I cannot personally accept jealousy in that form as productive or necessary.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

cj2112

quoted for truth. I can't put it any better than snowy did!

Ample

Don’t be a doormat, stick up for yourself or she will walk all over you. If her little plan works out, and she gets to sleep around and then come back to you. What is she capable once you are married? Is she going to “try” a separation down the road, to make sure that you marriage can work? Do you think that she would have the same understanding if the shoe was on the other foot and you came to her with this proposal?

As much as you want to hold on and as much as you hope that you two can have it back they way it was, it won’t ever happen, never. She tarnished it forever, it’s a cruel fact but a true one.

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Her juju beads are so nice
She kissed my third cousin twice
Im the king of pomona

Sultana

You know, that's funny!

But also, I think in a way I'm agreeing with JinnKai--no one is ever *yours* (and I mean *yours* in a very general sense, not pointing anyone out). Whether someone comes, stays, goes, returns...they're never *yours*. Thinking in possessive terms isn't the best way. But yeah, I understand that it's a common reference, not everyone intends a possessive connotation. As long as that's understood.

But I also think that this is very highly likely to turn out in a way that does not bode well for your future together, if you don't want to always be on pins and needles, wondering (and who does?). Couples starting out need a strong start, and this ain't it.

Yes it's painful. But it's not the most painful thing that can happen. Learn from this, and I give you a hug in the meantime.
*hug*

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

rmarshall

You really shouldn't be thinking about marriage anyway. Banish the thought from your mind. Maybe 30 to 35 is a good age to get married, if ever.
You're young. Sow your wild oats. There are many, many women in the world. Try a few. Try several at once.
I got married at 23, then divorced at 32, then married again at 35, then divorced again at 41. No more marriage for me!

Fuckwittage is a real word?

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"Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege" Irish proverb

Val_1

Marriage calls for commitment. She isn't committing. If this is how she shows her "love" now, how would she act after several years together? Get away and never look back.

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

-Frank Sinatra

snowy

Fuckwittage:

Used first in Bridget Jones' Diary, it has now become a synonym for the mindgames men play when dating. It can also be applied to women in rare cases.
It can be preceded by "emotional" to make it about manipulating emotions or just plain "fuckwittage"

Girl 1: Oh Dan said he loved me but he's not ready for a relationship
Girl 2: That's just emotional fuckwittage. Get out of the relationship!


(from urbandictionary)

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Doctor_Max

Well I talked to her a few moments ago and apparently she felt horrible about last night. She now tells me she wants to be with me but just wants to explore this other guy for a little bit for fun. She says shes 90% sure she wants to marry me but she doesnt want to start now. So she wants to date both of us. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this though. I told her there'd have to be rules (limited physical action) which I feel she can follow. I told her I'd think about it but don't count on anything.

rockogre

Man, I feel for you, but I stand by my original advice.

If you love someone you don't play them, and you don't play with others. She's eventually gonna rip up your heart like cheap confetti! Seen it too many times.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

Jinn

I can understand walking away from the relationship and never coming back, but I'm not understanding why there should be any "anger" or "resentment" towards your female friend. You should walk away because you're not interested in her anymore, or because you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves in a such a manner. That doesn't mean she's evil or that you should hate her --

She's NOT yours. People can never be expected to act out of anything other than their own interests. Sometimes, people can act altruistically or selflessly, but you cannot EXPECT them to.

Despite the claim that love is putting someone elses' feelings before your own, you're still in the relationship because it's beneficial to you. If it wasn't, why would you even bother? Just to bolster her happiness? Not unless you enjoy being used.

If she feels that she can have a happier life elsewhere, isn't it incredibly selfish to stop her? You need her so bad that she can't leave you? You're impeding HER happiness in a selfish need for her.

If she was so perfect for you, then she wouldn't be leaving. You might be hot shit, but that doesn't mean that you're a perfect match. I'm sure there is another person who is a better fit for you, too. Or maybe she's the fit, but she needs to prove it to herself empirically.

I can see leaving, and I can seeing sad. But I can't see being mad at her. I think if you truly love someone, you love them regardless of whether they're with you or not. If someone I love did something that benefitted them, I'd be happy for them -- not upset that they're not with me.

EDIT: not as applicable in light of the recent update, but I left it for general sake

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Doctor_Max

Woah, I never said I was mad at her. I was heartbroken and all that, but not mad. I wasn't even mad at the guy she likes because he can't help things. They did it right by not doing stuff behind my back so there's no reason to be mad.

Jinn

More addressed to the people acting with indignation above.

I'm glad you're taking what I believe to be the mature route -- and you're right. She at least gave you the chance to refuse, rather than doing it behind your back.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Sage

Well, yay for her for not actually cheating on you... but honestly, she is just using you as insurance.

"Honey, I love you and want to be with you, but I don't want to BE with you be with you... I don't want to be 100% committed to you so I'm going to go screw around with someone else, but don't be mad at me because I want to screw you too"

It's like... love is an all or nothing thing. You can't love someone and then only give them 75% of yourself. Honestly I think you're both too young to know what true love is and what it means to have the type of committed relationship that is required to have a happy, stable marriage. She's your first girlfriend- that means you're inexpierenced when it comes to relationships. Go get some more expierence, and in a year or two you'll look back on your relationship with her and be like "I thought that was being in love? That was a load of bullshit, that's what that was."

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abaya

Quoted for truth. I don't even act surprised anymore when I agree with Ustwo on relationships. He knows what he is talking about, period. It doesn't matter how she *thinks* she feels, or what she's telling you about how she feels. The only thing that matters are her actions. And right now, her actions are telling you that you're not a priority. Are you okay with that?

Quoted for truth again. In fact, you can't even give 90%. Or 99.5%. Capeesh? If you're not getting 100%, walk away.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

CaliLivChick

Also, what's to stop her from, a few years down the line, saying "Hey, I think I want to explore stuff with this other guy... let's get separated, and if things don't work with this other guy, I'll come back."

Nope. Don't play the fool. Walk away. In fact, run away. Quickly. She's not ready. If you feel selfish walking away, think about how much grief and heartbreak you're saving her too. She's not ready to get married, but doesn't know it yet. You're helping her out by walking away. It's a win-win situation, in the long run.

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Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

ObieX

Why are you even considering getting married at that young age man?! These are your best years, get out there and use them before you're too fat old and ugly to get laid If she wants to go out with other people maybe you should consider the same thing. Dip your scoop into the honeypot of a few girls and try some shit out

Seriously if you let her do this to you you're going to be her bitch for life. She'll do it all the time and she will probably not tell you about it in the future.. she'll just consider it to be "ok" to go and fuck around with other guys. Do you want that? Also, how do you know that this guy she wants to "try out" doesn't have some STD which your girl will then bring back to you at some point? Fuck that.

Really that whole situation is just messed up. You wont get out of this relationship what you want to get out of your ideal relationship. You'll just end up her little whipped bitch.

Kinda sorry i come off as blunt as i do... don't mind the swears.. i'm from NJ this is just how i communicate

Edit: btw how do you know she isn't already messing around with this guy? or other guys? It's not worth the BS man, just run while you can.

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We Must Dissent.

pig

In addition to much of the commentary given thus far, and not really so distinct from any of it...

it's not so much what she wants to do, on a superficial level - so much as its the way she's going about it. people in relationships are always attracted to people outside the relationship; some people choose to act on it and do so in ways that i think are pretty healthy.

from what you're saying, this isn't something she came to you with, asked you for your opinion, reassured you that you weren't in a position of losing her (or, anymore than you always are in relationships, etc), and that the two of you came to a mutual decision to see other people outside your continuing relationship. sounds to me like she notified you of what she wants to do, she knows its a bad position to put you in, and she's definately putting you on the shelf while she takes care of business. ie. from what i can tell, you're not "still together" while she hooks up with this guy. she's effectively terminating your active relationship, and hooking up / dating this guy.

i certainly wouldn't stop her, and i wouldn't be mad at her...but i wouldn't wait around for her either. i'd wish her well, i'd tell her i hope she has fun with mr. x, and yeah, sure who knows...maybe we'll meet up again down the road. but for now...be done with it.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Toaster126

Dude... get out now. She has shown how much she cares for you by saying she wants a break from you. You are good enough to not be her back up plan.

Besides, I think it's a terrible idea to be talking about marriage when you are with your 1st gf and a junior in college.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

pornclerk

I'm seriously just in awe that someone could say something like that and get away with it. Seriously, try out another guy for a while? That's a load of crap. I personally would not want to be involved with someone who doesn't love me whole heartedly. You must be crushed. Love does make you agree to do stupid things, but really, I would make plans to move on.
The comment about her showing up at your door and you will just know she is yours actually kind of pissed me off. Some people think they can make these high in the sky assumptions and not even realize how stupid it sounds or how much they are hurting someone.
I know I sound pretty critical, but seriously, this girl is playing some bullshit mind game with you. I've seen other girls do this before and it usually doesn't end well.
My advice would be to not give her an ultimatim or anything, but seriously consider if you want to be with someone who could hurt you so badly.

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Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

SAM821

Wow... Damn good quote, very true too.

I have to agree, this girl will walk all over you if you succumb to her greedy demands. Just move on, dont wait around because it will only make your misery worse... kinda like dipping an open wound in rubbing alcohol

Impetuous1

If you're going to agree to that arrangement, don't kid yourself about following certain rules. Also, make it clear to her that you'll be looking around too. Personally, I couldn't handle a "downgrade" in the relationship. If you had started out that way fine but not after you've been committed. It sounds to me like she's just afraid to break up with you.

Johnny Rotten

I hope your seat belt is buckled, because you are in for one very rude awakening.

analog

A person should not be in a relationship akin to an insurance policy. As others have said, you're a back-up plan. She wants to go do what she wants to do (and it's likely not just one guy, either, I hate to tell you) and then when she's done, she'll come back to you, who is waiting, and marry you. Then you have to hope she won't cheat on you once you're married.

Run away. It's gonna hurt, and I know you love her, but she's using you as a backup. You're not a backup, you're a person. Run far away, don't take her back, and chalk this up to worldly experience.

yournamehere

At your ages, she has the right to be sure before committing to marry you. Yeah, sucks for you, but it's better than having her curiosity get the best of her after your second child is born and you're in debt up to your eyeballs.

You're both young - you need to sow some oats; she needs to gather some roots. Life can be tough when you're young and in love. We've all gone through it. Just remember - You can't make someone love you. It's out of your hands. File it under "Things I have no control over right now."

Don't sit around moping and waiting for her, though - tell her that if she wants to date fine - but the wedding is off - period. Not postponed - cancelled. And tell her that you can't guarantee you'll still be waiting around if and when she makes up her mind, and for God's sake, don't wait around!!!

Get on with your life and forget about her. Maybe in a few years you'll run into each other and the feelings will resurface. Don't count on it, though.

Put her behind you and find someone else. Rebound relationships can be fun.

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If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
"If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too."
It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.

abaya

Well-said, Analog.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

JamesB

Doctor_Max I feel bad for you dude.

You lover her to death and always will in some place in your heart. You have had some pretty amazing times with her - memories that will never be taken from you but may seem tainted for a while.

As much as you love her you have to love yourself too. If the two of you were ever really serious about marriage you would not be experiencing this heartache now. YOU may have been in the right mindset but she clearly wasn't.

I feel bad for you man. I lost my true love this summer too. It is time to pick up and move on brother, regardless of the pain. If all you do in a day is wake up and think - I am in a shitty situation but I refuse to stand in this heap of shit, you are doing fine. Move forward!

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-- apt-get install spare_time --

yosho

get rid of her, it will end eventually anyway, trust me

this girl is no good for you, if she doesn't know by now that you are the one, there is absolutely no point getting married. She is selfish and doesn't care about you as much as you think. Find someone better, please!

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mm...sex is fun

absorbentishe

I know, it was sort of a play off the Seinfield episode where he talks about swinging. I just couldn't remember word for word what was said.