Is it possible to remain friends after the breakup? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Infinite_Loser · 09-05-2006, 06:29 PM

So my girlfriend of two or so years and I broke up a few weeks ago (No story involved. I'm sure I have a couple of threads floating around here. Somewhere...). At first it was awkward as we ignored each other. We then came to a mutual decision that it was a bit petty to ignore each other totally so instead we decided on being civil towards one another (Saying "Hi" to each other if we happen to see each other and that sort of thing).

At first everything was all right, but as the weeks passed I came to the conclusion that it's a lot harder being civil than it was to ignore her. I smile and say "Hi. How are you?" when I really want to say "Fuck off!". It's also kind of weird because, as of late, she's been acting as if the breakup NEVER happened. I've heard of people who go on being the best of friends after a painful breakup (Which I believe she wants), but I don't know how to do it.

Of course, completely ignoring her would be EXTREMELY petty and vindictive. So yeah... I don't know what to do.

ngdawg · 09-05-2006, 07:32 PM

It's been my experience that you say you'll remain friends, but drift apart totally anyway.
Go with your instincts. If you want to say 'fuck off' instead of a polite hi, stay away completely. In time, you might not care anymore and can be genuinely civil at least. And if she questions why you're staying clear, it's ok to say "I can't deal right now".

ratbastid · 09-05-2006, 07:52 PM

It's totally fine to take as much time dealing with it as you need to take. It's also fine to never completely deal with it. And yes, there are couples who stay very good friends after breaking up. It's totally possible.

TexanAvenger · 09-05-2006, 08:24 PM

One of my best friends is an ex. Many times an ex from high school, actually.

My advice matches that which has already been said, and is based off personal experience. Take some distance, physical and temporal. Give it space and time. Hopefully later you'll be able to take up a friendship instead of feeling the need to say "fuck off." If not, there's nothing you can do about it.

But yes, it is entirely possible... And can make for a particularly strong friendship down the road.

HLP · 09-05-2006, 09:36 PM

Be honest with each other. Nothing will be the same since there is something gone now.

I tried to be civil with my ex and sometimes it works but I tell her everything and try to get everything off my chest. We have been broken up for 4 months out of a three year relationship and I dont think I have told her everything on my mind yet.

Time and honesty dude

FallenAvatar · 09-06-2006, 05:12 AM

It is very possible especially if you work at it, but please remember to not do what I've done and hold on to the fact that you may get back together, that can hurt a relationship for some people. I second and third the honesty suggestion btw.

JamesB · 09-06-2006, 05:32 AM

I have never managed.

For me a lost love is too much to deal with and would prevent a healthy friendship. So my answer (from my experience) is no.

Cynthetiq · 09-06-2006, 05:36 AM

eh.. depends on the people.... i've been talking to a couple exes for a while.

I wrote it here somewhere, those that you want to remain friends with really badly, you probably won't. Those that you don't care if you do, somehow you remain friends.

Ustwo · 09-06-2006, 06:12 AM

Unless a break up is a mutual 'It just doesn't work' thing I can't see it really being possible.

I don't have many EX's in my closet, but those I broke up with I wouldn't have minded being friends with (they never were after) and the one who broke up with me can go fuck herself

Charlatan · 09-06-2006, 06:19 AM

It depends on who is involved and what caused the breakup... Regardless, I always found that time apart after the initial break made being friends later, easier.

Sage · 09-06-2006, 07:10 AM

Hrm...

the only major breakup I went through we were so used to each other we still hung out after. It made things EXTREMELY hard for me, because instead of using that time to get the hell over him I was wondering if we were going to get back together. After he moved away from Asheville, I never talked to him again. Can't say I'm unhappy about that

absorbentishe · 09-06-2006, 07:21 AM

Worst break up I had was in 8th grade. I had to see her almost every day for the next 4 years also... She was mean to me, so I avoided her. I ran into about 5 years after we graduated, and she totally wanted to talk, whatever.

I guess I'm trying to say that time heals all wounds.

high_jinx · 09-06-2006, 12:02 PM

Only way it works is if you both have totally moved on... a good tactic is to take about 6months of not talking and see if you both are on a "new chapter". if so, it won't bother you on a deep level to be around each other and communicate.

Kaliena · 09-07-2006, 10:19 AM

I think it's possible to be friends with an ex but as of right now, I've only managed it with the one where we had a mutual breakup. I found that it was pretty much impossible to be friends with the other breakups as they never stopped being angry/hurt/upset/resentful/bitter about something. The issues never seemed to end.

james t kirk · 09-07-2006, 11:53 AM

I have managed to remain friends with two of my ex's.

I still care about them both.

However, one that I lived with for 5 years, we never speak. I sometimes wonder how she is. But I don't call. Neither does she. It was the nastiest of breakups. (She was having an affair with a flake while my mother was terminal with cancer because I wasn't taking care of her to her standards. I found out, we parted ways. Though we continued to have sex for about a year after we split under the pretense that we would remain friends- she was good in the sack and she liked having multiple partners. Then it got to be too much for her because she was getting married. Complicated? You betcha....)

09-05-2006, 06:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	Is it possible to remain friends after the breakup? So my girlfriend of two or so years and I broke up a few weeks ago (No story involved. I'm sure I have a couple of threads floating around here. Somewhere...). At first it was awkward as we ignored each other. We then came to a mutual decision that it was a bit petty to ignore each other totally so instead we decided on being civil towards one another (Saying "Hi" to each other if we happen to see each other and that sort of thing). At first everything was all right, but as the weeks passed I came to the conclusion that it's a lot harder being civil than it was to ignore her. I smile and say "Hi. How are you?" when I really want to say "Fuck off!". It's also kind of weird because, as of late, she's been acting as if the breakup NEVER happened. I've heard of people who go on being the best of friends after a painful breakup (Which I believe she wants), but I don't know how to do it. Of course, completely ignoring her would be EXTREMELY petty and vindictive. So yeah... I don't know what to do. __________________ I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

09-05-2006, 07:32 PM	#2 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	It's been my experience that you say you'll remain friends, but drift apart totally anyway. Go with your instincts. If you want to say 'fuck off' instead of a polite hi, stay away completely. In time, you might not care anymore and can be genuinely civil at least. And if she questions why you're staying clear, it's ok to say "I can't deal right now". __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

09-06-2006, 05:12 AM	#6 (permalink)
FallenAvatar Psycho	It is very possible especially if you work at it, but please remember to not do what I've done and hold on to the fact that you may get back together, that can hurt a relationship for some people. I second and third the honesty suggestion btw. __________________ Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father, Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.

09-06-2006, 05:32 AM	#7 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	I have never managed. For me a lost love is too much to deal with and would prevent a healthy friendship. So my answer (from my experience) is no. __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

09-06-2006, 05:36 AM	#8 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	eh.. depends on the people.... i've been talking to a couple exes for a while. I wrote it here somewhere, those that you want to remain friends with really badly, you probably won't. Those that you don't care if you do, somehow you remain friends. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

09-05-2006, 07:52 PM	#3 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	It's totally fine to take as much time dealing with it as you need to take. It's also fine to never completely deal with it. And yes, there are couples who stay very good friends after breaking up. It's totally possible.

09-05-2006, 08:24 PM	#4 (permalink)
TexanAvenger Born-Again New Guy Location: Unfound.	One of my best friends is an ex. Many times an ex from high school, actually. My advice matches that which has already been said, and is based off personal experience. Take some distance, physical and temporal. Give it space and time. Hopefully later you'll be able to take up a friendship instead of feeling the need to say "fuck off." If not, there's nothing you can do about it. But yes, it is entirely possible... And can make for a particularly strong friendship down the road.

09-05-2006, 09:36 PM	#5 (permalink)
HLP Crazy	Be honest with each other. Nothing will be the same since there is something gone now. I tried to be civil with my ex and sometimes it works but I tell her everything and try to get everything off my chest. We have been broken up for 4 months out of a three year relationship and I dont think I have told her everything on my mind yet. Time and honesty dude

09-06-2006, 06:12 AM	#9 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	Unless a break up is a mutual 'It just doesn't work' thing I can't see it really being possible. I don't have many EX's in my closet, but those I broke up with I wouldn't have minded being friends with (they never were after) and the one who broke up with me can go fuck herself __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps. Last edited by Ustwo; 09-06-2006 at 06:19 AM..

09-06-2006, 06:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	It depends on who is involved and what caused the breakup... Regardless, I always found that time apart after the initial break made being friends later, easier. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

09-06-2006, 07:10 AM	#11 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Hrm... the only major breakup I went through we were so used to each other we still hung out after. It made things EXTREMELY hard for me, because instead of using that time to get the hell over him I was wondering if we were going to get back together. After he moved away from Asheville, I never talked to him again. Can't say I'm unhappy about that __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

09-06-2006, 07:21 AM	#12 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Worst break up I had was in 8th grade. I had to see her almost every day for the next 4 years also... She was mean to me, so I avoided her. I ran into about 5 years after we graduated, and she totally wanted to talk, whatever. I guess I'm trying to say that time heals all wounds.

09-06-2006, 12:02 PM	#13 (permalink)
high_jinx Psycho Location: venice beach, ca	Only way it works is if you both have totally moved on... a good tactic is to take about 6months of not talking and see if you both are on a "new chapter". if so, it won't bother you on a deep level to be around each other and communicate. __________________ -my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

09-07-2006, 10:19 AM	#14 (permalink)
Kaliena Crazy Location: Pennsylvania, USA	I think it's possible to be friends with an ex but as of right now, I've only managed it with the one where we had a mutual breakup. I found that it was pretty much impossible to be friends with the other breakups as they never stopped being angry/hurt/upset/resentful/bitter about something. The issues never seemed to end.

09-07-2006, 11:53 AM	#15 (permalink)
james t kirk Junkie Location: Toronto	I have managed to remain friends with two of my ex's. I still care about them both. However, one that I lived with for 5 years, we never speak. I sometimes wonder how she is. But I don't call. Neither does she. It was the nastiest of breakups. (She was having an affair with a flake while my mother was terminal with cancer because I wasn't taking care of her to her standards. I found out, we parted ways. Though we continued to have sex for about a year after we split under the pretense that we would remain friends- she was good in the sack and she liked having multiple partners. Then it got to be too much for her because she was getting married. Complicated? You betcha....)