Your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

longbough · 06-26-2006, 08:42 PM

As it says: What's your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt?

You know how it goes ... you've got some private jerkoff time to yourself ... so you get some wacky idea to try something ... different. Maybe it's dangerous ... and probably stupid ... but you do it anyway ....

Years ago I wanted to see if I could cum into my own mouth. I kinda wanted to see what my GF put up with. So I did a sort of "neck-stand" with my back propped up against a wall so I could jerk-off while upside down.

There was nothing erotic about it. Each time I neared climax I'd start to lose my balance and my knees would flail to one side or the other and my legs started kicking to either side to keep from falling over. Meanwhile my free arm would thump around the ground and wall in desperation. At times I was flopping from side to side like a pair of palm trees in a hurricane.

In the end I did manage to climax and get most on my face and mouth. It wasn't as fun as I had hoped. My cum certainly tasted better when it was from my GF's mouth and lips. My neck was sore for the next 3 days.

Let's hear your own jerkoff stunt(s) ... (extra points if your jerkoff stunt sent you to the nearest Emergency Department ...)

JStrider · 06-26-2006, 08:51 PM

the trick is to have something to put your legs against above you to stabalize yourself... like the top bunk of a bunk bed...
tried that one once...

other then that I cant think of anything...

3Z3VH · 06-27-2006, 05:04 PM

Worst for me was when I was a younger teen and still experimenting with what felt good...

Suffice it to say Dish Soap is NOT a lubricant, and will basically make you remain nude for about 3 days since you will be so sensitive, even the THOUGHT of wearing underwear makes you literally break into tears. You can also pretty much forget about trying to get any sleep longer than a half hour at a time for those few days.

Siege · 06-27-2006, 06:36 PM

I'm a little disappointed to say that I don't have any interesting stories.

I guess i'm not creative enough

longbough · 06-27-2006, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3Z3VH

Suffice it to say Dish Soap is NOT a lubricant, and will basically make you remain nude for about 3 days since you will be so sensitive, even the THOUGHT of wearing underwear makes you literally break into tears. You can also pretty much forget about trying to get any sleep longer than a half hour at a time for those few days.

arrrgghh... When I was a teenager I did try some liquid soap which got into my urethra .... holy heck! That burned!!!

Infinite_Loser · 06-28-2006, 04:27 AM

Never rub your dick against carpet while watching your cousin's hidden stash of pornos. I learned that the hard way. In the end, my mom ended up rubbing my dick down with aloe vera, as I got a rug burn. Yup... That was embarassing. I never did that again.

lurkette · 06-28-2006, 05:29 AM

Two things, one risky, one just mental!

- At a theater in London, I was watching Hamlet and trying to stay awake. I was in an aisle seat, and I had a big poncho-y thing that made a tent over me. I very quietly masturbated and had an orgasm that looked like a yawn and stretch. I don't think anybody noticed. But if they did, at least it was more interesting than the damn play:-D

- The other one was just stupid stupid stupid. But it lost me points on my purity test! I was driving back to college by myself, on a deserted and straight-as-an-arrow stretch of Minnesota highway, and I hadn't seen ratbastid for all of spring break. I masturbated and had a big old orgasm while driving down the road on cruise control. I'm lucky I didn't crash, but it was a really good orgasm.

simonrex22 · 06-28-2006, 06:51 AM

Most of my adventurous masturbations happened when i was in early high school or a little younger. I used to like standing in front of the mirror and watching myself. then i put my balls up on the cold sink counter in the bathroom which was quite intense due to the cold counter. The only problem was cleaning off the mirror.

Another one was walking around the house all alone and jerking off in every room of the house just to do it. Im not sure what the benefits of that were.

More recently, i had a new neighbor move in next door and the wife was a pretty sexy 34 year old. For a while i would go to the window and wait for her to come outside to smoke a cigarette. I became a daily activity. The great thing was that she always wore tight tops and small shorts.

Oh yeah, when i was about 19 and working in a small retail store, AC Moore, which is a crafts store so there are nothing but women that come in there. Sometimes you get these women with their tits hanging out and i would get so horny i had to go to the bathroom to releive myself.

thespian86 · 06-28-2006, 08:30 AM

When I was 13 or 14 I did it once while my grandmother slept on the couch beside the chair I was in. Talk about an awkward conversation

And Lurkette, don't worry, I do that sometimes when I leave my girlfriends house, after I've fingered her and I have to leave RIGht after.

NoSoup · 06-28-2006, 08:57 AM

Although I can't say for certain this story was true, A while back I was out with some of my co-workers, and one fellow shared his story -

Apparently, if you heat the skin of a bananna and use that it feels pretty real - well, apparently this guy had just gotten a new microwave and to make a long story short ended up in the emergency room with 2nd degree burns all over his dick...

Siege · 06-28-2006, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoSoup

Although I can't say for certain this story was true, A while back I was out with some of my co-workers, and one fellow shared his story -

Apparently, if you heat the skin of a bananna and use that it feels pretty real - well, apparently this guy had just gotten a new microwave and to make a long story short ended up in the emergency room with 2nd degree burns all over his dick...

I've heard that story too. Just minus the burns. Seems like an inexpensive way to get off

yankeefatboy · 06-28-2006, 10:27 AM

Not dangerous, just embarrassing: Jerking off in my bedroom, gf came over to surprise me. She went to the back of the house where by bedroom was and caught me. Not a pretty sight.

Average_Joe · 06-28-2006, 11:58 AM

Here's one that's risky & embarrassing to tell. When I was maybe 14 or 15, I would occassionally sneak into the living room late at night after everyone had gone to bed, turn on the TV, the only one in the house with cable, and jack off to late-nite soft porn. One particular night, I had the urge, but my mother was on the couch fast asleep. Being a very horny teenager, and knowing Mom was a very heavy sleeper, I decided to take the risk. I actually watched a whole flick and rubbed one out 3 times, and my mother never woke up!

Here's another I just remembered. When I was in my mid-teens, I went on vacation with my parents and sister. One night, at the hotel, while my Mom and sister were out shopping and my Dad was in the shower, I ordered one of those PPV porn flix that they offer on the hotel TV system, and jacked off to it for about 10 minutes until I heard the shower turn off. When my Dad went to pay the bill, I saw it posted on the printout, but he never even noticed (I think).

guthmund · 06-28-2006, 03:41 PM

I don't have a stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt. I'm afraid I only deal in incredibly embarassing ones.

I had a roommate share this one with me over lunch. It's cobbled together from what he told me and what I learned from her through a mutual friend. So, it's story by proxy, if that's alright.

My roommate and I worked together. I was low man on the management totem pole and wore a tie, he worked the kitchens and screwed around with the waitresses.

My roommate and his girl du'jour were in his room the previous afternoon and it was getting pretty hot and heavy. They dropped trou and she lept on the bed and began masturbating. Needless to say this got my roommate's full attention and he began jerking off at the foot of the bed. She's really getting into it and decides to flip around and lay down on her back with her head hanging off the bed. He walks over to get a better look because he still wants to rub one out before the main event (this was ritual, he told me. Made him perform better, he said).

So, there they are, her on her back head hanging off the end of the bed and he standing over her. One thing leads to another and she starts (and I really don't know how to say this in polite company) sucking his balls.

Somewhere along the way, something tickles her nose and she thinks she's going to sneeze. The kind of sneeze that shakes your whole body. A big, wet sneeze. She, sort of a reflex reaction thing, brings her hands up real fast towards her face to stifle it. My roommate, who has no idea what's going on, just sees two hands coming real fast towards his most precious possession and he freaks out and tries to get himself out of the way.

Turns out she didn't have to sneeze at all and she missed nailing my roommate in the nutsack completely. Unfortunately, when he tried to catch himself, he stumbled and fell backwards, hit his head on the dresser and, he thinks, blacked out for a moment.

They were both pretty horrified about the whole thing. She gathered up her clothes and hit the door running leaving my roommate on the floor still very naked. They were incredibly uncomfortable with each other for a couple of weeks and then she went back to school and he went back to...well, other waitresses

longbough · 06-30-2006, 04:34 PM

lol ... that's a good one, guthmund.

Only once (or twice) have I jerked off in the shower/bathtub ... seemed like a logical thing to do since you're being cleaned off anyways ....

.... I thought it was a good idea until I stepped on a cum-spill patch and started slipping and sliding and nearly killed myself ....

Gonth · 07-01-2006, 09:35 AM

mmmmm, lets see, I did the neck-stand against the wall thing. My bed was against the wall so it was pretty easy to stay balanced. Actually did it a few times, but then I got neck-aches and stopped.

Only other thing I can think of is that I used to use pillows with a sock between them. After using a sport sock the first time....and getting rugburn, oh what wonderful fun that was, I went to the mall and got some expensive silk things. Yes, I went to sears or JC Pennys or somewhere and bought silk socks for like 8 bucks for masterbation. It worked pretty darn well too. I'm actually kind of proud of it.

Other than that...a few public bathrooms but thats not really much of a risk. Exiteing though, knowing that someone is in the stall next to you and has no idea what your doing. But that also works the other way, and now, every time I go into a public bathroom I'm just sure that the guy next to me is beating off.

Washington · 07-01-2006, 04:35 PM

Im a pilot and I once beated off while descending from 14000 to 2,000ft. ITs about a 3min trip, I knew i had to do it quick or be left dissapointed, it took all my imagination powers but I got a load out at 2300, just in time to level off and land.

cargo hauling (single pilot), not people btw...

Willravel · 07-01-2006, 05:04 PM

Solo? I don't have any good stories.

Spoiler: Hand job? My wife gave me a hand in a bathroom not a block from the Sistine Chapel. It was religous.

ASU2003 · 07-01-2006, 05:32 PM

Don't use vaporub as a lube. I'm not doing that again.

Painted · 07-01-2006, 09:30 PM

One time I fucked my couch.

I heard that if you get a plastic bag and lube it up (I used vegetable oil) and put it in-between the cushions on your couch, you could fuck it like it was a chick.

Didn't work.

xepherys · 07-11-2006, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASU2003

Don't use vaporub as a lube. I'm not doing that again.

Please tell me you're not serious? I can't even imagine how that must burn... OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

paulskinback · 07-11-2006, 02:47 PM

Theres been a few, as masturbation is one of my most enjoyable hobbies!

Very young, cut a hole in a peach, tried to fuck it and it disintegrated all over the bathroom (parents)

In the woods taking a short cut after a night at the pub. pitch black standing up in the big wide open. that was great

over my ex gf while she slept heavily drunk. standing next to the bed on her side. wanking in her face! came all over her bed, didn't clean it up

most recently I have tried deep heat muscle pain rub. I recommend it, but not too much and make sure you haven't shaved your nuts a day or so before, stings the open pores (well more like molten lava burning). rub some into the shaft, then the head, when its all rubbed in use some vaseline to work yourself off. kind of numb, warm pleasure.

stbeston · 07-11-2006, 03:11 PM

tried masturbating with a banana (read about it on the internet). basically chop the top off a banana, scoop out the banana as much as you can, masturbate. of course the banana i used had to be HUUGE.
anyway, it was a real mess and the banana stained a chair. my girlfriend's chair. she will live in ignorance of this.

fightnight · 07-12-2006, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Painted

One time I fucked my couch.

I heard that if you get a plastic bag and lube it up (I used vegetable oil) and put it in-between the cushions on your couch, you could fuck it like it was a chick.

Didn't work.

I had a buddy who used to do this, although he recommended lotion as the lube. Never did have the guts to try fucking my mother's couch personally.

Ample · 07-12-2006, 07:00 AM

When I was a teenager, I rubbed one out driving down I-5. I dont think anyone ever saw me, but everytime I passed a big truck I would quickly cover up. Those McDs napkins came in real handy.

cameroncrazy822 · 07-12-2006, 09:54 AM

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Corneo · 07-12-2006, 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cameroncrazy822

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Your joking right?

Redlemon · 07-12-2006, 10:11 AM

Cameron - ew? Are you serious?

As for me, nothing particularly dangerous or funny. Stupid would be in high school, in our study (where my family had all of our workdesks). When alone, I'd whack off into a 35mm film canister. (For some reason, the thought of using facial tissues hadn't come to me.) I had a few sessions stored in there, which kinda smelled, but it was OK as long as the container was capped.

Then I spilled it on the carpet. I think I cleaned it sufficiently to cover the smell; no one said anything, at least.

Willravel · 07-12-2006, 10:14 AM

Cameron wins. Jeez, dude.

fightnight · 07-12-2006, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cameroncrazy822

...I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another... I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

I'm as shocked as everyone else, but please explain this "one thing led to another," I can understand how that works with another living human who is responding to your advances... but a dead person?

captobvious · 07-12-2006, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Painted

One time I fucked my couch.

I heard that if you get a plastic bag and lube it up (I used vegetable oil) and put it in-between the cushions on your couch, you could fuck it like it was a chick.

Didn't work.

Couch? I thought you were supposed to put it between the box spring and the mattress.

Didn't work either.

NoSoup · 07-12-2006, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cameroncrazy822

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Wow...

I know the TFP is usually pretty open minded, but....

Really?

Zeraph · 07-12-2006, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cameroncrazy822

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Whether that's true or not, I find it and the replies really funny

Thanks for sharing.

NotAnAlias · 07-13-2006, 12:19 AM

This is like one of those moments in real life when someone says something and everyone stops and just looks at them, mouths slightly agape with shock.

Yay for the internet.

tuffrr · 07-13-2006, 12:52 AM

Whoa, giving stiff to a stiff is definately winning...

mixedmedia · 07-13-2006, 02:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cameroncrazy822

It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

Sheesh, I was really enjoying this thread.....up to this point.

And, technically, I don't think this qualifies as masturbation.

Bill O'Rights · 07-13-2006, 04:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedmedia

And, technically, I don't think this qualifies as masturbation.

Well...technically...he was alone.

In the absolute broadest of terms, it would be somewhat akin to the use of other inanimate objects. Sofas, bananas, a pound of ground round...what have you.

I, personally can't see it. But, then again, there are a lot of things that I'm not...in to, that others are. In any event, i do see a lot of fodder here for another thread...were anyone so inclined.

Oh, and...Wow. Just...wow.

mixedmedia · 07-13-2006, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

Well...technically...he was alone.

Well, technically, I guess you are right. It's hard for me to disassociate a person's humanity (for lack of better) with their body, I suppose. Dead or otherwise. I mean, someone who is passed out drunk is inanimate......

At any rate.....wow, is right.

Sultana · 07-13-2006, 11:22 AM

I do believe necrophilia is a crime, at least in California....

Glory's Sun · 07-13-2006, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sultana

I do believe necrophilia is a crime, at least in California....

without wanting to do any searching .. I would venture to say that it's illegal in all 50 states....

06-26-2006, 08:42 PM	#1 (permalink)
longbough Soylent Green is people. Location: Northern California	Your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt As it says: What's your most stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt? You know how it goes ... you've got some private jerkoff time to yourself ... so you get some wacky idea to try something ... different. Maybe it's dangerous ... and probably stupid ... but you do it anyway .... Years ago I wanted to see if I could cum into my own mouth. I kinda wanted to see what my GF put up with. So I did a sort of "neck-stand" with my back propped up against a wall so I could jerk-off while upside down. There was nothing erotic about it. Each time I neared climax I'd start to lose my balance and my knees would flail to one side or the other and my legs started kicking to either side to keep from falling over. Meanwhile my free arm would thump around the ground and wall in desperation. At times I was flopping from side to side like a pair of palm trees in a hurricane. In the end I did manage to climax and get most on my face and mouth. It wasn't as fun as I had hoped. My cum certainly tasted better when it was from my GF's mouth and lips. My neck was sore for the next 3 days. Let's hear your own jerkoff stunt(s) ... (extra points if your jerkoff stunt sent you to the nearest Emergency Department ...) Last edited by longbough; 06-26-2006 at 08:45 PM..

06-26-2006, 08:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	the trick is to have something to put your legs against above you to stabalize yourself... like the top bunk of a bunk bed... tried that one once... other then that I cant think of anything... __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

06-27-2006, 06:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
Siege is a tiger Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada	I'm a little disappointed to say that I don't have any interesting stories. I guess i'm not creative enough __________________ "Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek" --Kevin Smith This part just makes my posts easier to find

06-28-2006, 05:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Two things, one risky, one just mental! - At a theater in London, I was watching Hamlet and trying to stay awake. I was in an aisle seat, and I had a big poncho-y thing that made a tent over me. I very quietly masturbated and had an orgasm that looked like a yawn and stretch. I don't think anybody noticed. But if they did, at least it was more interesting than the damn play:-D - The other one was just stupid stupid stupid. But it lost me points on my purity test! I was driving back to college by myself, on a deserted and straight-as-an-arrow stretch of Minnesota highway, and I hadn't seen ratbastid for all of spring break. I masturbated and had a big old orgasm while driving down the road on cruise control. I'm lucky I didn't crash, but it was a really good orgasm. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

06-28-2006, 06:51 AM	#8 (permalink)
simonrex22 Insane	Most of my adventurous masturbations happened when i was in early high school or a little younger. I used to like standing in front of the mirror and watching myself. then i put my balls up on the cold sink counter in the bathroom which was quite intense due to the cold counter. The only problem was cleaning off the mirror. Another one was walking around the house all alone and jerking off in every room of the house just to do it. Im not sure what the benefits of that were. More recently, i had a new neighbor move in next door and the wife was a pretty sexy 34 year old. For a while i would go to the window and wait for her to come outside to smoke a cigarette. I became a daily activity. The great thing was that she always wore tight tops and small shorts. Oh yeah, when i was about 19 and working in a small retail store, AC Moore, which is a crafts store so there are nothing but women that come in there. Sometimes you get these women with their tits hanging out and i would get so horny i had to go to the bathroom to releive myself. Last edited by simonrex22; 06-28-2006 at 06:54 AM..

06-27-2006, 05:04 PM	#3 (permalink)
3Z3VH Tilted	Worst for me was when I was a younger teen and still experimenting with what felt good... Suffice it to say Dish Soap is NOT a lubricant, and will basically make you remain nude for about 3 days since you will be so sensitive, even the THOUGHT of wearing underwear makes you literally break into tears. You can also pretty much forget about trying to get any sleep longer than a half hour at a time for those few days.

06-28-2006, 04:27 AM	#6 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	Never rub your dick against carpet while watching your cousin's hidden stash of pornos. I learned that the hard way. In the end, my mom ended up rubbing my dick down with aloe vera, as I got a rug burn. Yup... That was embarassing. I never did that again.

06-28-2006, 08:30 AM	#9 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	When I was 13 or 14 I did it once while my grandmother slept on the couch beside the chair I was in. Talk about an awkward conversation And Lurkette, don't worry, I do that sometimes when I leave my girlfriends house, after I've fingered her and I have to leave RIGht after. __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

06-28-2006, 08:57 AM	#10 (permalink)
NoSoup Non-Rookie Location: Green Bay, WI	Although I can't say for certain this story was true, A while back I was out with some of my co-workers, and one fellow shared his story - Apparently, if you heat the skin of a bananna and use that it feels pretty real - well, apparently this guy had just gotten a new microwave and to make a long story short ended up in the emergency room with 2nd degree burns all over his dick... __________________ I have an aura of reliability and good judgement. Just in case you were wondering...

06-28-2006, 10:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
yankeefatboy Addict Location: northern california	Not dangerous, just embarrassing: Jerking off in my bedroom, gf came over to surprise me. She went to the back of the house where by bedroom was and caught me. Not a pretty sight.

06-28-2006, 11:58 AM	#13 (permalink)
Average_Joe Psycho Location: Under the Radar	Here's one that's risky & embarrassing to tell. When I was maybe 14 or 15, I would occassionally sneak into the living room late at night after everyone had gone to bed, turn on the TV, the only one in the house with cable, and jack off to late-nite soft porn. One particular night, I had the urge, but my mother was on the couch fast asleep. Being a very horny teenager, and knowing Mom was a very heavy sleeper, I decided to take the risk. I actually watched a whole flick and rubbed one out 3 times, and my mother never woke up! Here's another I just remembered. When I was in my mid-teens, I went on vacation with my parents and sister. One night, at the hotel, while my Mom and sister were out shopping and my Dad was in the shower, I ordered one of those PPV porn flix that they offer on the hotel TV system, and jacked off to it for about 10 minutes until I heard the shower turn off. When my Dad went to pay the bill, I saw it posted on the printout, but he never even noticed (I think).

06-28-2006, 03:41 PM	#14 (permalink)
guthmund big damn hero	I don't have a stupid, dangerous and/or funny jerkoff stunt. I'm afraid I only deal in incredibly embarassing ones. I had a roommate share this one with me over lunch. It's cobbled together from what he told me and what I learned from her through a mutual friend. So, it's story by proxy, if that's alright. My roommate and I worked together. I was low man on the management totem pole and wore a tie, he worked the kitchens and screwed around with the waitresses. My roommate and his girl du'jour were in his room the previous afternoon and it was getting pretty hot and heavy. They dropped trou and she lept on the bed and began masturbating. Needless to say this got my roommate's full attention and he began jerking off at the foot of the bed. She's really getting into it and decides to flip around and lay down on her back with her head hanging off the bed. He walks over to get a better look because he still wants to rub one out before the main event (this was ritual, he told me. Made him perform better, he said). So, there they are, her on her back head hanging off the end of the bed and he standing over her. One thing leads to another and she starts (and I really don't know how to say this in polite company) sucking his balls. Somewhere along the way, something tickles her nose and she thinks she's going to sneeze. The kind of sneeze that shakes your whole body. A big, wet sneeze. She, sort of a reflex reaction thing, brings her hands up real fast towards her face to stifle it. My roommate, who has no idea what's going on, just sees two hands coming real fast towards his most precious possession and he freaks out and tries to get himself out of the way. Turns out she didn't have to sneeze at all and she missed nailing my roommate in the nutsack completely. Unfortunately, when he tried to catch himself, he stumbled and fell backwards, hit his head on the dresser and, he thinks, blacked out for a moment. They were both pretty horrified about the whole thing. She gathered up her clothes and hit the door running leaving my roommate on the floor still very naked. They were incredibly uncomfortable with each other for a couple of weeks and then she went back to school and he went back to...well, other waitresses __________________ No signature. None. Seriously. Last edited by guthmund; 06-28-2006 at 03:46 PM..

06-30-2006, 04:34 PM	#15 (permalink)
longbough Soylent Green is people. Location: Northern California	lol ... that's a good one, guthmund. Only once (or twice) have I jerked off in the shower/bathtub ... seemed like a logical thing to do since you're being cleaned off anyways .... .... I thought it was a good idea until I stepped on a cum-spill patch and started slipping and sliding and nearly killed myself .... Last edited by longbough; 06-30-2006 at 07:34 PM..

07-01-2006, 09:35 AM	#16 (permalink)
Gonth Upright Location: Home sweet home is Decatur GA, but currently schooling in Rochester NY	mmmmm, lets see, I did the neck-stand against the wall thing. My bed was against the wall so it was pretty easy to stay balanced. Actually did it a few times, but then I got neck-aches and stopped. Only other thing I can think of is that I used to use pillows with a sock between them. After using a sport sock the first time....and getting rugburn, oh what wonderful fun that was, I went to the mall and got some expensive silk things. Yes, I went to sears or JC Pennys or somewhere and bought silk socks for like 8 bucks for masterbation. It worked pretty darn well too. I'm actually kind of proud of it. Other than that...a few public bathrooms but thats not really much of a risk. Exiteing though, knowing that someone is in the stall next to you and has no idea what your doing. But that also works the other way, and now, every time I go into a public bathroom I'm just sure that the guy next to me is beating off. __________________ You are the most important person in your world

07-01-2006, 04:35 PM	#17 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Im a pilot and I once beated off while descending from 14000 to 2,000ft. ITs about a 3min trip, I knew i had to do it quick or be left dissapointed, it took all my imagination powers but I got a load out at 2300, just in time to level off and land. cargo hauling (single pilot), not people btw... __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

07-01-2006, 05:04 PM	#18 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Solo? I don't have any good stories. Spoiler: Hand job? My wife gave me a hand in a bathroom not a block from the Sistine Chapel. It was religous.

07-01-2006, 05:32 PM	#19 (permalink)
ASU2003 immoral minority Location: Back in Ohio	Don't use vaporub as a lube. I'm not doing that again.

07-01-2006, 09:30 PM	#20 (permalink)
Painted Pleasure Burn	One time I fucked my couch. I heard that if you get a plastic bag and lube it up (I used vegetable oil) and put it in-between the cushions on your couch, you could fuck it like it was a chick. Didn't work.

07-11-2006, 02:47 PM	#22 (permalink)
paulskinback Insane	Theres been a few, as masturbation is one of my most enjoyable hobbies! Very young, cut a hole in a peach, tried to fuck it and it disintegrated all over the bathroom (parents) In the woods taking a short cut after a night at the pub. pitch black standing up in the big wide open. that was great over my ex gf while she slept heavily drunk. standing next to the bed on her side. wanking in her face! came all over her bed, didn't clean it up most recently I have tried deep heat muscle pain rub. I recommend it, but not too much and make sure you haven't shaved your nuts a day or so before, stings the open pores (well more like molten lava burning). rub some into the shaft, then the head, when its all rubbed in use some vaseline to work yourself off. kind of numb, warm pleasure. __________________ 'Everything that can be invented has been invented.- - 1899, Charles Duell, U.S. Office of Patents. 'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' - Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation

07-11-2006, 03:11 PM	#23 (permalink)
stbeston Upright Location: ny,ny	tried masturbating with a banana (read about it on the internet). basically chop the top off a banana, scoop out the banana as much as you can, masturbate. of course the banana i used had to be HUUGE. anyway, it was a real mess and the banana stained a chair. my girlfriend's chair. she will live in ignorance of this.

07-12-2006, 07:00 AM	#25 (permalink)
Ample Psycho Location: In your closet	When I was a teenager, I rubbed one out driving down I-5. I dont think anyone ever saw me, but everytime I passed a big truck I would quickly cover up. Those McDs napkins came in real handy. __________________ Her juju beads are so nice She kissed my third cousin twice Im the king of pomona

07-12-2006, 09:54 AM	#26 (permalink)
cameroncrazy822 Junkie Location: MD	It was the summer of 93 and I just got he sweetest internship I could for my crimjust major.... a morgue autopsy assistant. It was great and right up my alley as a forensics minor. So I'm there for a few weeks and start to feel more and more comfortable with the processes and surroundings. One day I find myself very turn-on after a prolonged lunch with a new female collegue. Make a long story short there was an arrival of a 19 year old female who died from a non-traumatic and non-homicidal reason. I'm down in the intake room with it by myself and one thing led to another. She was absolutely stacked and I took care of business right there and right then. It was weird after the fact thinking about it but while it was happenin' I had no worries about finishing. I hope they didin't do a vaginal/anal swab for DNA.....

07-12-2006, 10:11 AM	#28 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	Cameron - ew? Are you serious? As for me, nothing particularly dangerous or funny. Stupid would be in high school, in our study (where my family had all of our workdesks). When alone, I'd whack off into a 35mm film canister. (For some reason, the thought of using facial tissues hadn't come to me.) I had a few sessions stored in there, which kinda smelled, but it was OK as long as the container was capped. Then I spilled it on the carpet. I think I cleaned it sufficiently to cover the smell; no one said anything, at least. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

07-12-2006, 10:14 AM	#29 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Cameron wins. Jeez, dude.

07-13-2006, 12:19 AM	#34 (permalink)
NotAnAlias Tilted Location: Auckland, New Zealand	This is like one of those moments in real life when someone says something and everyone stops and just looks at them, mouths slightly agape with shock. Yay for the internet.

07-13-2006, 12:52 AM	#35 (permalink)
tuffrr Registered User Location: On the internet	Whoa, giving stiff to a stiff is definately winning...

07-13-2006, 11:22 AM	#39 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	I do believe necrophilia is a crime, at least in California.... __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.