Why do we want what we can't have? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

MEAD · 05-11-2006, 09:38 AM

Hey, guys. I'm returning once again (as if you remember me), and much more happily if not for a bit curiousity and concern. Anyhow here we go...

I'm in a relationship now that going very well I think. We both care about each other a good deal, and I find her amazing, smart, attractive, fun, (great in bed!) etc.. As you can see I think highly of this girl, but there is something a bit disturbing to me...

If anyone remembers, I was dating a girl earlier in the year, and for many reasons, but much to do with my inexperience with relationships, things went to hell, and I let myself get hurt by her. In getting myself back in order, I readjusted my views, learned how to be happy for myself, and felt much better in general. Though all the while this girl still piqued my interest even though I knew things werent ever going to happen. So I went on with my life anyway because that's what you gotta do, and eventually found my current girlfriend, who is by my accounts so much better than this previous girl. (That was the good part)

(Now for the bad part) However, I still get this nagging feeling whenever I think about that earlier girl. I'm a bit concerned because I feel like I find myself a little too interested in her, I wouldn't cheat on my current girlfriend or break things off to be with this other girl, but ya know, it annoys me that I still want this other girl. I'm almost positive that it's one of those things where you want what you can't have, but I want to know: Who else has ever felt like this? And should I feel guilty for feeling this way? (because I do)

fresnelly · 05-11-2006, 10:08 AM

The relationship you're in takes effort, and is wrapped up with daily life. The "other" exists mostly in your fantasy realm, with none of the baggage, needs, or negative qualities found in a full personality.

Whether it's an unrequited love or a fancier new car, you're just drawn to its idealized form. Teach yourself to see the through that escapism, and your wanting will lessen.

aberkok · 05-11-2006, 10:39 AM

Ditto. The grass is always greener. Besides...you're a long way from actually acting upon any attraction to your old girlfriend. Just because you are committed to someone, doesn't mean nobody else can have the ability to be attractive to you.

Be patient and give it time. These feelings will likely pass.

Mantus · 05-11-2006, 03:23 PM

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a former lover. Infact I think it would be pretty silly to suddenly stop having feelings for someone you once cared deeply about.

CaliLivChick · 05-11-2006, 05:48 PM

Agreed. The feelings will probably pass with time. Depending on how intense/long the previous relationship was, it may take a few years, but they will diminish along the way until they wither away to nothing.

savvypup · 05-11-2006, 08:46 PM

I so understand what you mean MEAD. I've liked this guy from afar for years - I'm associated with him through my work but he doesn't work for the same company. And when we first met, I was pregnant and we were both married, so you know, he's cute, but .... 3 years on, we hook up but he's now gone back to his wife, for circumstances I can fully understand.

However, I in hindsight, I should never have gone there, because I CANNOT stop thinking of him and wanting to see him. We had very little in common except for 1 thing and he thinks mainly of himself, which I've noticed alot of late, but some screwed up reason, I can't get him out of my mind. I guess it's the whole cliche saying 'every girl wants a bad boy' - nice to have for a bit, but not forever ........... but I can't help it. I'd like that 'bit' to last just a bit longer.

savvypup · 05-11-2006, 08:47 PM

Oh yeah ......... can you pinpoint what you find so intriguing about this girl?

Wyodiver33 · 05-13-2006, 10:57 AM

I am not seeing anyone right now but I had a situation where my ex-wife and I started to talk a lot. It's been ten years since the divorce. All of the sudden we were spending hours on the phone and things were looking good for a reconcilliation. Then we started fighting about silly things. My point? I think we always remember the good times and tend to block out the daily bad things that cause relationships to fail.

murphy54 · 05-16-2006, 04:39 AM

because you have to aim high with youre arrow to hit what is bellow

05-11-2006, 09:38 AM	#1 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Why do we want what we can't have? Hey, guys. I'm returning once again (as if you remember me), and much more happily if not for a bit curiousity and concern. Anyhow here we go... I'm in a relationship now that going very well I think. We both care about each other a good deal, and I find her amazing, smart, attractive, fun, (great in bed!) etc.. As you can see I think highly of this girl, but there is something a bit disturbing to me... If anyone remembers, I was dating a girl earlier in the year, and for many reasons, but much to do with my inexperience with relationships, things went to hell, and I let myself get hurt by her. In getting myself back in order, I readjusted my views, learned how to be happy for myself, and felt much better in general. Though all the while this girl still piqued my interest even though I knew things werent ever going to happen. So I went on with my life anyway because that's what you gotta do, and eventually found my current girlfriend, who is by my accounts so much better than this previous girl. (That was the good part) (Now for the bad part) However, I still get this nagging feeling whenever I think about that earlier girl. I'm a bit concerned because I feel like I find myself a little too interested in her, I wouldn't cheat on my current girlfriend or break things off to be with this other girl, but ya know, it annoys me that I still want this other girl. I'm almost positive that it's one of those things where you want what you can't have, but I want to know: Who else has ever felt like this? And should I feel guilty for feeling this way? (because I do) __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

05-11-2006, 10:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
aberkok “Wrong is right.” Location: toronto	Ditto. The grass is always greener. Besides...you're a long way from actually acting upon any attraction to your old girlfriend. Just because you are committed to someone, doesn't mean nobody else can have the ability to be attractive to you. Be patient and give it time. These feelings will likely pass. __________________ !check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

05-11-2006, 05:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
CaliLivChick In Transition Location: Sanford, FL (between Daytona and Orlando)	Agreed. The feelings will probably pass with time. Depending on how intense/long the previous relationship was, it may take a few years, but they will diminish along the way until they wither away to nothing. __________________ Don't trust anything that can bleed for a week and not die. Oh wait, that's me... nevermind... you can trust me.

05-11-2006, 08:46 PM	#6 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	I so understand what you mean MEAD. I've liked this guy from afar for years - I'm associated with him through my work but he doesn't work for the same company. And when we first met, I was pregnant and we were both married, so you know, he's cute, but .... 3 years on, we hook up but he's now gone back to his wife, for circumstances I can fully understand. However, I in hindsight, I should never have gone there, because I CANNOT stop thinking of him and wanting to see him. We had very little in common except for 1 thing and he thinks mainly of himself, which I've noticed alot of late, but some screwed up reason, I can't get him out of my mind. I guess it's the whole cliche saying 'every girl wants a bad boy' - nice to have for a bit, but not forever ........... but I can't help it. I'd like that 'bit' to last just a bit longer. __________________ ciao bella!

05-11-2006, 08:47 PM	#7 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Oh yeah ......... can you pinpoint what you find so intriguing about this girl? __________________ ciao bella!

05-11-2006, 10:08 AM	#2 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	The relationship you're in takes effort, and is wrapped up with daily life. The "other" exists mostly in your fantasy realm, with none of the baggage, needs, or negative qualities found in a full personality. Whether it's an unrequited love or a fancier new car, you're just drawn to its idealized form. Teach yourself to see the through that escapism, and your wanting will lessen.

05-11-2006, 03:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a former lover. Infact I think it would be pretty silly to suddenly stop having feelings for someone you once cared deeply about.

05-13-2006, 10:57 AM	#8 (permalink)
Wyodiver33 Just here for the beer. Location: Ft. Lauderdale, Floriduh	I am not seeing anyone right now but I had a situation where my ex-wife and I started to talk a lot. It's been ten years since the divorce. All of the sudden we were spending hours on the phone and things were looking good for a reconcilliation. Then we started fighting about silly things. My point? I think we always remember the good times and tend to block out the daily bad things that cause relationships to fail. __________________ I like stuff.

05-16-2006, 04:39 AM	#9 (permalink)
murphy54 Upright	because you have to aim high with youre arrow to hit what is bellow __________________ Originality is the art of hiding your source of inspiration.