aa1037

What are your opinions about the signs your partner gives off about wanting to have sex with you for the first time?

To explain a little background: I am a 20-year-old male virgin in college. I've wanted to wait for the right girl, and she is definitely it. We've been seeing each other officially for about 5 months, and we've gone as far as manual stimulation of each other - not oral sex though (not that it is necessarily a precursor to sex).

So my question comes from this: Every step we've taken, she's been basically the initiator. I let her go down my pants before I tried to go down hers, etc. She hasn't done anything beyond that yet. I am interested in having sex with her but I do not want to force it on her, as I've essentially let her choose where she wants to take things. Obviously, having sex with her isn't my #1 priority, as we have an amazing relationship without it.

What kind of cues might I see that might mean she wants to take it further? What might I do to signal her that I want to? (obviously I could straight up tell her, but I'd prefer not to as a first choice) In this relationship, it seems that I should just wait it out and if she wants to take it further, she'll take the initiative.

Any thoughts?

MEAD

If you want to have sex, man, then go for it! Its pretty obvious she's into you, and if she wants to have sex then she wont stop you. Of course, there's really no sly way to just end up having sex for the first time like you might just end up making out for the first time. One of you needs to say something! However, personally I think talknig about it before hand is really important, like take care of issues such as birth control, STDs, emotional commitment. I think it is best to get all that resonsiblity crap outta the way and then know the door is wide open for sex.

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Topper

MEAD hit it right on the head in my opinion. Just try to have an open, honest conversation with her about it. You're not in high school anymore you know!

You can talk about these things in ways that don't seem pushy if that's your concern. Maybe she likes that you're taking it slow, or maybe she's just dying for you to take some initiative. Either way, if your desire is to have something long-lasting, communication will be critical. No better opportunity to start practicing that then the sex talk.

Good luck man!

aa1037

I guess I'm just waiting for the right time to bring it up. I can't imagine a better conversation stopper if the timing is off

Topper

hahah! Oh it's easy... say over breakfast-

her: "MMmm this is really good bacon"
you: "Hey while we're on the subject of pork.."



Seriously though, you can try to wait for the perfect situation to bring it up, but that may not come (no pun intended) anytime soon. If this is really something you want to bring up with her, think about arranging the opportunity yourself. Have drinks someplace quiet where you can talk (non-alcoholic ones A. because of your age, and B. the conversation will be more meaningful if you're both not completely smashed ), or go on a picnic in a scenic location, etc. If the right time is important to you, make that time happen. Just be clear you're not trying to pressure her, etc and I think you'll do fine.

aa1037

Yeah I think I'll find an OK time to do it. I'm not one to set up such a situation with the intent of talking about such a thing. I'll probably just have to man up and bring it up.

FallenAvatar

If the relationship you're building is as strong as you say it is this is a subject that you two can talk about if you want. It basically breaks down to two options.
1) You two talk about it and then have sex, or
2) You just get there without talking about it.

Like others have said she obviously shows interest in you and will be willing to take the step with you. Things will feel awkward but just take things slow and treat her as a woman, not a piece of meat. I don't think you really have to plan for a specific location.. if the time is right you'll know it and things will work out fine. If you don't talk to her about this situation before going ahead with it remember to cover all the bases (condoms etc). Like it has been said just do things naturally if she doesn't like it she'll teach you.

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aa1037

Yeah I think I'm just gonna go with the flow. I'm in no rush and I haven't rushed anything yet. I think it'll come naturally.

analog

I hope I don't have this issue with my next girlfriend... because so far, the "signs" have been...

1. "Let's go back to my house and fuck" (this is when i lost my virginity. )
2. "It was too long of a drive from the airport" (girl i met on the 'net, flew to see her after dating for 9 months, but had already known her very well for 2 years prior)
3. "I like your apartment" (which was right after we entered, and immediately followed by her shifting on the couch onto straddling my lap. she was a coworker i'd known for some time. one-time thing.)
4. "Can I give you a blowjob?" (as far as I knew, we were laying there, silently in my bed, because we were tired. I only dreamed of her wanting me- and then, by some miracle, she actually did. Dated for 5 months, had very frequent, monogamous sex for over a year past that)
5. "If you make that sound one more time, I'm holding you responsible for taking me somewhere and finishing me off." (I was randomly smacking things with a folded advertisement, which was making a "spanking" sound. she was seriously jazzed up. one-time thing with another coworker. She wasn't really my type, but "being able to get a girl in bed" really boosted my self-esteem at the time, which was badly needed.)
6. "I'm glad i had a beer to level me off, or i'd be too nervous" (my oblivious answer: "for what?" to which she replied by leaning in for a long kiss that instantly became sex. we're talking record clothed-to-naked speed here. We'd been laying on my bed because we were both very tired from work that day, and we'd gone out to hang out and have a few drinks.)

I'm really good at reading people in general... but attractive females i'm interested in... and who i think might be interested in me... that first phase of knowing each other leaves me totally clueless, most of the time.

healer

I've only had sex with one person, so my experience isn't exactly vast in this regard. But how it happened for me was, well, a surprise even though we had talked about it. We'd been kissing and fondling and engaging in every possible kind of heavy petting possible so I guess it was inevitable.

We both wanted to. I think that's the important thing. Every relationship's different and after 5 months you should be able to read her pretty well by now. Like you said, it'll come naturally.

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Ustwo

Dude, she is letting you into her pants, she wants you to do her, so DO her. Quit being so worried about going to far that you make her make all the first moves. Instead, next time you are messing around, take off her clothes and go down on her, followed by fucking her brains out (ok it will last about 6 seconds the first time, but you will get the hang of it). If she doesn't want to she can say 'wait'.

Imagine this, she wants you to do her but is afraid of making the first move, you are afraid too make that first move, guess what happens, NOTHING. At some point SOMEONE has to make the first move. Quit acting the insecure, unsure, nervous virgin and be a man. Sure you ARE an insecure, unsure, nervous virgin, but she doesn't need to know it.

Hell I think if I waited for my wife to 'start' it, I'd still be waiting

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xepherys

a) Most girls don't WANT to be the one to make all the first moves. I'm not saying to be pushy, but chicks dig guys with confidence.

b) Again, waiting for a "moment" isn't always good. But it's often easy to CREATE the right moment. If you want to do it the "right" way (because not everyone has the animal magnetism that analog seems to exude), take her out for a romantic date, dinner, nightime stroll by the lake, anything of that "girl flick" sort of date, take her home and make out... tell her she's beautiful, tell her how you feel about her and tell her you want to make love to her. "make love" works far better for MOST girls (not all) than "fuck" "bang" or "pork"... especially after a romantic date. Ending a romantic evening with "I want to slip you my sausage" is a sure way to piss her off.

Gonth

I want to use this sssooo bad now.

On a slightly more serious note, I agree with what seems to be the popular assumption here, which is that you need to just act. If you have the confidence to just bring it up and talk about it, it goes along with what Xeph said, chicks dig guys with confidence. I'd be willing to take bets that if you bring it up, she'll think your amazingly confident. And like you said, once the talk's out of the way you can concentrate on the sex.

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Topper

heh, right up there with "I want to put my beef in your taco!"

All this sex talk is making me hungry...

Sweetpea

sex is sometimes a hard topic to bring up and speak openly about and since you're new to it, probably surrounded with a bit of anxiety. But talking about sex is really just like talking about everything else once you get the first few words out
like anything else, being open and commincating is the key to feeling comfortable with it.

To me, it sounds like you two might be ready for the next step in your physical relationship, but only you two can really make that decision. don't put too much pressue on yourself, just bring it up casually when you feel comforable and the thought occurs to you... but not when you're doing anything physical together, because then you both might feel pressured.

Just relax and bring it up, don't feel you have to 'wait for the right moment.'
Good luck

As a side note. And have you thought about what are you planning to use for Birth Control?

sweetpea

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Toaster126

If you aren't mature enough to talk to someone you love about sex, you shouldn't be having it. You are using your lack of sexual experience as an excuse to avoid possible rejection and awkwardness.

Man up, talk to her about it, and then make sure she gets her cookies.

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ColonelSpecial

Here's my one piece of advice that hasn't been said:
If you guys do end up having sex for the first time in a moment of passion kind of way without talking about it before, please discuss things with her afterwards (not immediately, no need to kill the mood). While an open dialogue is important, it doesn't necessarily have to happen before the physical action gets started. You both will appreciate it to know that you are on the same page with all of this.

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aa1037

Planned on using condoms.

Acetylene

Afterthought on the birth control issue--not everyone can handle condoms, I have a friend who is allergic to spermicide and another who is allergic to latex, and I hate them myself. It's worth talking to her about it because if she would rather use a hormonal birth control there will be a waiting period before it takes effect. You could use this as a good reason to check yourself for any STDs you might not know you have, in preparation for a new partner. If you mention to her that you are doing this I'm sure she will get the point

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Toaster126

If you are planning on using condoms, make sure you educate yourself on how to use them properly. The vast majority of condom failures are due to user error - both breakage and not stopping pregnancy. You should practice this before game time... you'll want to be able to do it flawlessly when it counts.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

aa1037

indeed. thanks for the advice