Waiting for the right one to have sex?
 

I was hoping to have some input on this topic:

I am 19 and a virgin. I've had a couple of opportunities to have a one night hook up in college, but it just didn't happen. From what i've heard, a lot of my guy friends regret losing their virginity to someone they didn't care about, or they tell me to make sure to wait for a special girl. However, lately, I've been feeling a little "loose" if you will. Yet, part of me wonders if I'll regret it if I slept for the first time with someone just for physical satisfaction.

I guess I am asking for input, on whether it is right to wait, and whether any of my fellow TFpers regretted doing their first with someone they didn't care about, and if so, to what extend did they regret it.

never done that so i cant really comment. but before i met my gf, i didnt really want to have random sex just to get it over with. so i'm glad i waited for the one :)

Personally it all depends on how ready you are to have sex.For me, I had no regrets on losing it, and once I did I never thought about it.I love the girl I lost it to, but we were only dating 3 weeks before we had sex.She was not a virgin.One of my friends was depressed when he lost his, another was fine with it.Sex is nice, but don't build it up to be something it isn't.If you think virginity is a huge deal, I would suggest waiting for a relationship(I would suggest this anyways, simply because I'm not a fan of one-night stands).


If you're having doubts, I say wait.If you decide not to wait, don't make a huge deal out of it.You don't "lose" anything.Virginity isn't tangible.To me it just means inexperience.


It's 2am, so if this post rambles or doesen't make complete sense, I'm sorry.I'll check back on it tomorrow.

I "lost it" when I was 18, on a 2 night stand while visiting a women's college. I'm glad I did, because that took the sexual pressure off of the next girl that I dated. We didn't go all the way for about 5 months. She's now my wife.

I was 24 before I lost my virginity. To my hubby. We had sex just over a year before we got married. In our case it has worked out BUT we both have seen the pitfall that we stumbled over.

We were both raised in strictly religious homes. So often when our families would hear about someone getting caught having had sex and then making plans to get married the verdict was - well at least they're getting married. The mindset wast that if you has sex with the person you had to marry them to 'make it right'. and that's how we ended up looking at our premarital sex. We ended up marrying each other even though we did not love each other and were scared out of our wits. Hubby married me for more sex, I married him to get out of my parents house and we married each other because we felt we had to in order to make us not feel bad about having had premarital sex. We have discussed this and know those are the reasons we got married. We have since been through a lot together and learned to love each other. We have also changed our outlook on sex. If we hadn't been brainwashed to attach so much emotion to sex then I think our lives would have been totally different.

I said all that to say this - How were you raised? Do you attach much emotional involvement to sex? The amount of emotional attachment may be more than you estimate so be careful about that answer. If you were not raised to place much or any emotional attachment to sex, then go for it. If it was the other way around, more like our childhood training then avoid it until you are quite emotionally attached to a girl of marriage material.

Hear, hear.

We think sex MEANS so much. It's social conditioning and control, is all it is. Sex doesn't inherantly MEAN anything. Sex is wonderful in a lot of ways, AND there are plenty of real things about sex to be responsible about. But all the good/bad/should/shouldn't of sex, the moralizing and judgement around it, is all crap. Being a virgin isn't any better than not being a virgin--you'll likely find that it doesn't actually change things all that much.

Just my two cents. Don't let me talk you into anything you're not comfortable with.

i'm your age and I haven't had sex either. And like you, i've had the chance.

Do what's comfortable for you. Don't let others decide for you. I'm not in any rush to lose my virginity, nor am I waiting for "the one." Whatever happens, happens.

And i'll end off with what i've said before "sex is like air, it's only important if you're not getting any." So that might explain your feeling of "looseness"

no regrets here. I'm in a similar boat as Redlemon. It took alot of pressure off for the next adventure. It all depends on what you're comfortable with. If you're worried about whether the girl is "the right one" or not.. chances are.. you won't be the one. Catch my drift?

Don't wait. Just do it. If you wait then end up marring your first or second eventually you will wish you had taken all those missed opportunities. Not doing it now couold lead to inner turmoil and cheating on your partner in the future.

Sex is great with someone you love, but it's not worth waiting for.

Wow. This is a line of thought I hadn't anticipated...he's not saying wait until marriage, just wait for someone special.

If sex is special to you, then I'd say hold off until you find someone meaningful. If it's not, then...it's just a matter of convenience, isn't it?

I agree to wait until you're ready, you don't want to have regrets. I had many opportunities and almost had it forced upon me, but I waited until I was 18. Then I got engaged and then the engagement broke up and now I'm with jj. I do sometimes regret not having sex with certain people in my past, but it probably would have been a mistake that I would have regretted.

Honestly, well imo, the first time isn't all that great. Of course, I was high and a bit drunk so I don't know how it would be sober. But if it's important for you to wait for someone you really care about do that. It's your body and your choice.

Hooray for the 19 yr old virgins... we should've started a club or something... but unfortunately I lost mine. I lost it to the right person, at the right time and at the right place.

I lost mine to someone I was in love with. For me that was the only way it was going to happen. I think the first time is rather important to many people, just as many first times are important, first time you saw your favorite band live, the first time you rode a bike, etc... This is a pretty weighty first time, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to wait to find the right moment. If you do it to get it over with, it will only add to the pressure of an already stressful situation. You want to be comfortable as possible, and whatever makes you most ocmofrtable, go with that.

How do you figure? Seems to me, if your first time is with the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with, the stakes are somewhat higher than they would be with just a casual partner.

Either way, fact is, first-time sex is generally lousy. There are exceptions, but... Personally, I lasted literally about four seconds my first time. She was great about it (and I did better the second time!), but that could only have been more awkward if she was somebody I had designs on a long-term relationship with.

I waited for a while before I had sex, and I regret it now. I thought I cared about making the first time special, and I was wrong. I didn't give a shit.

The truth.

I lasted a respectable amount of time (probably due to the condom), but when I finished my first time, I wasn't that impressed. I figured that oral sex was still far superior. It got better. :D

(Above quoted in agreement)

My wife and I were talking about the a couple of days ago, and the concept of waiting for marriage. We both agreed its a bad thing to do. Now your first time is special and all that, don't get me wrong, but sex makes people do stupid things. Having sex is such a basic human instinctive need that it clouds your judgment. By getting the sex part out of the way and seeing that its not 'that important' in the grand scheme of things (and it takes a while to get to this point) means you can focus on what really matters for a strong relationship.

There comes a point where you won't be having 'great sex' in every relationship. Peoples desire level changes, work can get in the way, and pregnancy has a huge effect for some people. If having sex is the corner stone of your relationship you are going to be in for rocky times. Sex IS important for a relationship, but its not the most important thing.

I'm almost of the mindset that getting your son a hooker for a 16th birthday present isn't such a bad idea. The pressure on a young male to have sex by his peers is pretty strong, and the desire to just 'get laid' can override rational thought.

Do what you feel is right of course, but at the end of the day it won't matter that much. I did it for the first time with a girl I didn't care about, I then started to care about, and she then ripped my heart out, and thank god because I'd have made a huge mistake staying with her. I'd have rather it been a one night stand from the get go, I would have gotten the virgin thing out of the way without the crushed heart thing :)

I'm sure that had I been with that 'special girl' from the start it would have SEEMED like the best thing when I was still 19. Now that I'm 35 and can look back, I'm glad I just did it, I was far more emotionally ready for what became my special girl I met at 21 because of it. I had sex with that special girl our second date (and everything BUT on the first, damn her thinking she should take it slow :D) and also last night.

i havent had vaginal sex, but have been fingered and such. my boyfriend of 2 years and i have talked about alot of things, and have decided to wait for marriage for sexual intercourse. we plan on marrying in a couple of years, and are completely open to tlak about anything, which is why it worked for us i think

This is a great thread.

When I was under 16, I thought that I would wait until marriage. I grew up in a household much like raeanna. From 16-18, I thought that I would wait until I was engaged. Very few (less than 10) people in my High School class had sex. Nobody was even in relationships for the most part.

Then I went to college. I had no idea what I was doing, how to play 'the game', and that there was such a thing like 'one-night stands'. I place way to much emotional and love aspects towards sex to do that. I want to be able to have sex over and over and be close to the girl I'm with. So, when the girls have 6 years of experience, and I haven't seen a breast since I was a baby, there is a problem there.

If I don't get in a great relationship, I realize that I will wonder what I missed out on. Sleeping with lots of random girls does sound fun. But, I would rather have a relationship where both of us are each others only partner. Maybe that is because so many people I know in real life are in that type of relationship, but it just seems like it is almost impossible to find.

If the first relationship didn't work out, I think I would be free to be more sexually free and open. Swinging would really bother me as long as it was with people we were close to. I have definitely been brainwashed to think that paired virgin monogamy is the best type of relationship.

At 26, I would have a really hard time turning down sex at this point, if there was any type of emotional connection with it. I still want to have it in a commited relationship. At 30, that might change. I know I place way to much importance on sex.

wait till you find someone kinda special.. .but dont wait too long find a nice girl that you like and just go for it...


oh and one more thing

USE PROTECTION!!!!

Look, I didn't 'do it' until fairly late.

I simply wasn't impressed by the prospects that were on offer earlier, and the more overt they became the more annoyed I became.

But the thing is - once you have had sex a few times, it's less of a big deal, and I think you become more comfortable with women (or men.. depending). Anyways, I did.

Don't get me wrong, I think that it would be great to have sex for the first time with somebody of great importance to you. That would be very romantic. I just think that the odds are stacked against you. It's being a muso I suppose and wanting your first public gig to 100% successful be in front of cheering fans. Not likely to happen.

That's probably a stupid analogy... Forget about it. But yeah. As humans, even when we a mad keen on somebody we still make mistakes, so it's probably worthwhile to go off and do the sex bit independantly of all that romancy stuff.

Ok, so in the end I'm saying there's no need to rush - but no need to wait either. Just make sure you use a condom eh.

Same here, and it's what I recommend. For you that could be a one-nighter. For me it wasn't. Everyone is different, and what's right for one person isn't right for another.

The wide variety of responses have been covered, the only thing I can add is to take issue with a few comments.

For me, this was the opposite. I waited until I reached a point where I could honestly say I loved the person I was going to have sex with. Because there was a great deal of care for each other, the clumsy first time attempts were not embarassing, but part of a funny thing we could laugh about. Some people (nobody in this thread, yet) insist that you need to throw your junk down every hole in order to improve your technique. I believe that if you have longer term partners, you are much more likely to get better. If you care about each other, she'll be much more accepting of different positions, input areas, and experimentations. If you try to do something new with casual partners, you're likely to get an icy stare.

Some other advantages of sex in a caring relationship:

1. Much easier to get lucky on a regular basis
2. Much easier to discuss birth control options
3. It's nice to have somebody to talk to afterwards

That said, the only way to find somebody is to date them, and not "wait" for meta-girl to fall out of the sky and into your lap.