aintyoboyfriend

Simple scenario.

Our relationship is good, but was under a little distress for a few days. We've been sharing a computer, and she left her messenger up and a buddy sends a message, "thanks for the nudes, I masterbated to them the other day."

I asked her if she ever sent nude pictures to anyone, and she said no, a guy asked and she said that was something that her "boyfriend" wouldn't approve of. I didn't mention how I knew to ask.

What would you do?

Cynthetiq

if it's a lie... then it's a problem.

if it's been discussed, some people have no issue with it.

again, the problem isn't the naked pictures, it's the lying about them that's the problem

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blar

she is lying

i think sending nude pictures is a problem if the SO don't know about it.

if it was me i would really look into this....maybe you should wait untill her messenger is left on again and pretend to be her and say something to the guy like "hey can you send me that photo i gave you i erased my copy of it by mistake" or something just to make sure if she sent him a real pic of herself

Sweetpea

If she didn't ask if you were okay with it... then that denotes to me that she felt it was something to hide, but that's just speculation on my part.

Personally... If i send nude pics. to someone and if i post nude pics. on the board here in exhibit... I let my S.O. know, he's aware of the things I do and approves 100% I don't hide anything from him.

As to... What should you do??

I think you need to sit down and talk to her about what happened and share how it makes you feel about the situation. Have an open conversation about it. She may have possibly thought you would think it was no big deal... or maybe she knew it would bother you and choose not to tell you on purpose. I don't want to speculate... i think you need to ask her yourself why it happened.

in short... Communicate.

sweetpea

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maleficent

compounding a lie with this behavior is worse than the original lie itself...

Tell the truth... Say you weren't snooping but saw the message come up and could she please explain...

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MooseMan3000

Um... maybe she didn't send any pics? Has that occurred to anyone here? Or am I the only one that thought "thanks for the nudes, I masterbated to them the other day," didn't exactly sound sincere? To me, that's some wise-ass being, well, a wise-ass. I don't think any nude pictures were ever sent.

If, on the other hand, you sincerely believe that they were sent, and she's now hiding it from you, then there might be a problem. As said before, it wouldn't be the pictures, but the fact that it's being hidden.

I'll repeat though. I don't think it ever happened.

Oh, and going behind her back and lying to the person on the other end to find out if they were actually sent is definitely not OK. Not ever. If you need to find out, talk to her. Snooping around can only lead to problems, regardless of what you find out.

aintyoboyfriend

Thanks for all of the replies so far. I'm certainly not going to snoop. I know she had some pictures in her blog a while back, but when we started dating, she removed them out of respect for me.

I don't know for sure if she actually sent him pics, but as soon as I asked, she immediately said his name, and followed up with how she told him she didn't think it was appropriate.

She did go on to say she had sent him some a long time ago, but that was it, and had never sent some since.

I'd love to hear more thoughts on this subject.

My real question is, suppose I found out that she lied and did send them, where do I go from there. I'm torn between it being a stupid mistake on her part, or a serious sign that this relationship is in trouble.

blar

true but if she is going to continue to deny

something needs to be done to get the truth

amonkie

If she continues to lie .. that is a sign it is time to leave.

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doncalypso

Actually, if it turns out that she did send out nude pics of herself to another man he ought to leave her ASAP. If he lets her get away with this lie she'll get bolder and pull even crazier stunts on him.

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skier

Or, you know, they could try being honest and communicate with each other. Don't play the blame game, just try to sort out the problem and figure out a solution. If that solution is for you two to end the relationship, so be it.

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Big O

ok.if she sent it then ok, but not ok. just be honest. but don't lie. that's just wrong. what else is there to lie about? if you relationship is open then nothing to fib about. if it's someone you want to be with then take approach carefully. the sad thing is - is that every one has something they want to cover up. be open though. is that contradictive?

AngelicVampire

Messanger normally has a history (I don't know if its enabled by default but I enable mine so I can see what I have said), have a quick browse it may say what she sent and the rest of the conversation.

snowy

Or, like skier said...they could just be honest and communicate instead of being immature and sneaky.

Want a quick way to a break-up? Read the history.

Want a solution to the problem? Talk to her. Personally, I've sent naked pictures to people in the past--people who still have these pictures. They have been mentioned to me since I got together with my SO. So that isn't out of the realm of possibility.

The biggest thing is--trust. If you can't trust her, you don't have a relationship.

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Acetylene

If she sent him some IN THE PAST, but hasn't sent any new ones, then how do we know he's not just talking about the ones she sent him before you started going out? I would call this an open-and-shut case, myself.

But, if you are feeling suspicious, I'd actually say go ahead and read the history. The reason why I say this is, you need to set your mind at ease. If you read it and find that no, it didn't happen, then you will never bring it up again and you can go on being happy together. Why harass her and accuse her lying to you when it might not have happened? This is unnecessary stress on your relationship.

On the other hand, if you do find evidence, then you will confront her NOT about the history, but about the pop-up you accidentally witnessed. That way, you get the best of both worlds: either you find out she is innocent and you feel ashamed for distrusting her and life goes on, or you confront her just like you would have done anyway.

In my experience, it is very harmful to accuse someone of something they have not done. I never, ever accuse someone of a transgression unless I have reasonable proof (not suspicion, PROOF) that they have done it. If someone does not deserve me to trust them in this way, then they are not worth my time. So, in other words, either find your proof and THEN confront her, or decide to trust her for her word and go back to being happy--or ditch her for someone you trust.

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Hektore

It is very possible to bring this up in a way that is non-confrontational and non-accusatory and not stressful on the relationship at all. I don't understand how a successful relationship can be built on snooping around about each other. This screams of communication and trust issues.

The best advice I can give is the same as the rest of some of the other people in here, communication. She told you she sent some a long time ago, if you believe her: case closed. If you don't believe her: your relationship is already in trouble. From the sounds of this sentence I'm inclined to believe you don't think that she was being honest. If you did you would not have any reason to still suspect she is lying, unless there is more to the issue you have not told us yet. If there is nothing you haven't told us, why don't you believe that she is telling the truth? There appears to be a real trust issue here that I think needs to be examined with you two. If you can't trust her, why bother trying to save a relationship with someone you can't trust? Trust, to me, is the most important thing in a relationship.

I would ask her why she didn't come clean about it until you brought up the message, this might at least clear your head a little bit so that you can trust that she is telling the truth. It could be something as simple as she didn't think you meant from before you were together when you asked the first time.

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