MEAD

Haha yeah, its hard to not come off sound creepy in this situation. Hell, maybe I am creepy I dunno... Anyways this is all hypothetical, and I'm just freaking out about how it could all go wrong already because I really like her. I'm over-sensitive, and fall in for women too easily. I'm just trying to not fee llike a loser here, I really feel like I deserve someone great, and I'm sick of it not happening.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

Carno

I think your original post gives a different impression. At least, I got a different impression from it. I thought you meant you were thinking about going in and calling her all the time, giving her things, talking smack about the bf, etc.

I don't really consider what you want to do moving in on someone who is taken. Hell, I do the same thing. Nothing wrong with letting someone know how you feel about them.

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http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

maleficent

I know nothing of psychology, I just think I know everything...

the question you should be asking yourself... if this woman was unattached and available, would you still be interested in her? Would you even notice her? Is part of her appeal that she is involved?

I honestly wonder if it's not the hunt that you prefer rather than the actual prize. What makes this woman awesome? The fact that somoene else has already gotten her?

I know a lot of women and men as well, who are rather like dogs chasing cars... Chasing the car sounds like a great idea... and it's a helluva lot of fun for the dog - but what exactly is the dog going to do with the car when it catches it?

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stevo

I started dating my wife while she was involved with someone else. They ended their relationship soon after, but he had a DUI and a suspended license, so she used his car to drive me around. That was pretty cool.

__________________
"If I am such a genius why am I drunk, lost in the desert, with a bullet in my ass?" -Otto Mannkusser

NotAnAlias

A-fuckin'-men.

stevo

Its not that plain and simple. Sometimes someone needs help in opening their eyes to see what is really going on and what else is out there.

I say go for it. Do it to it. Just make her call you stevo one time

__________________
"If I am such a genius why am I drunk, lost in the desert, with a bullet in my ass?" -Otto Mannkusser

maleficent

What makes you so sure that 'help' is what's best for that someone? Do you want someone that easily manipulated? (not saying your wife is) but people have to make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions -- they do not need outside 'help' or interference...

Some people out there just want what someone else has...

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RCR

You missed modesty too.

I am in a long term and long distance relationship with a girl whom i am deeply in love with. Now i know of a guy who is actively trying to take my girl from me. I hate him more than words can express,

If this girl is going out with someone, she isnt fair game, live with it, and find a single female.

By the way im 20 and my lady is 21,

stevo

I never said to manipulate someone and I'm not saying I know what is best for anyone. All I'm saying is that just because someone is in a relationship shouldn't bar you from an attempt. I'm talking boyfriends-girlfriend. IF they aren't married then technically they are still single.

How can someone know what is best for themselves if they are never presented with the option? I'll bet dollars to donuts that the couple in question will break up one day and by then MEAD may have missed out. She's not married to the guy so there is nothing sacred about their relationship. Alls fair in love and war.

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"If I am such a genius why am I drunk, lost in the desert, with a bullet in my ass?" -Otto Mannkusser

MEAD

Hey Mal, you've always given me good advice, and to make things clear Im not 100% sure if she is acutally dating someone, I just brought this topic up because I thought it was interesteing and something I might have to face if she is involved currently. I like her for who she is.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

Willravel

Find out if she's involved. If she's free to date, go fourth with my blessing. If not...well I suspect you get the idea.

Cynthetiq

If it's God's will then it will happen on it's own, and via free will you can make appropriate choices. Self-will is manipulating the results to that which benefits you most.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Coppertop

I guess you can chalk me up to the "go for it" group. Why let life's opportunities pass you by? If she is not interested, she will let you know. I know of several people here on TFP (who have yet to post) that have "stolen" (as misleading a word as that can be) their SO from someone else - people whom most seem to hold in high regard. Perhaps life isn't quite so black/white as some would suggest it is.

Cyn, those things need not be mutually exclusive.

Cynthetiq

Self will is ALWAYS mutually exclusive.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Toaster126

God helps those who help themselves.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Cynthetiq

and like I said previously...

You reap what you sow.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Suave

I am going to refrain from derailing this thread into another debate about the logic of these types of statements.

Instead, what's the harm in him asking, if only just once? I only have anecdotal evidence, but I've come under the impression that a lot of people (although it's been said about females specifically) will not "jump ship" until another one comes along to hop onto. He's not necessarily being a homewrecker by finding out how she feels.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Cynthetiq

Yep, that's just what I thought about when a best friend stole another best friend's girlfriend. What's the harm in the question of "Would you have ever considered going out with me?" Pretty innocent right? Ruined 3 friendships.

Yep, that's just what I thought when I was out on a double date with my then girlfriend's coworker and he joked about "getting the opportunity to date her one day." She eventually cheated on me with him and eventually got married to him.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Zar

I believe I can offer some input on this topic. During my sophomore year of college, I met a very charming, beautiful girl in one of my classes. We became fast friends, and I was quite interested in the prospect of becoming more than friends. However, I soon afterwards learned that she had a boyfriend, and it happened to be a guy that I knew. They'd been together since high school. He was an alcoholic, a slacker, and generally (in my estimation) was not worthy of being with this girl. But I backed off nevertheless. Like the thread title, I didn't want to be the guy everyone else hates. I stopped the flirtiness, and basically just stuck to talking about very platonic things with this girl. I thought, maybe she'll see him for what he is, maybe she won't.

Flash forward a couple months, when I had already long buried the idea of ever getting together with this girl, and lo and behold, she broke up with him, with no prompting whatsoever from me. And now we've become engaged to be married. As she says it, she had no idea what else was out there once she escaped the rather small pond that was her high school, and that I "rescued" her.

I am not saying that there are not girls out there who are going to jump ship every time something sparkly catches their eye, but I do think that there are women (and men) in relationships that really don't do anything for them, that aren't making them happy, because they don't realize that things could be better, much better.

In the end, human emotions and relationships are complicated beasts. It's hard to give concrete advice. But I'll give it a shot. Don't hit on this girl, don't do anything overly aggressive. Just be your wonderful self, and you never know what might happen.

Toaster126

Part of being an adult is accepting the consequences for your actions.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

analog

Well, I also woudn't say that everyone who's said that did so under the worst of circumstances. As has been pointed out, some relationships are really just unhappy people feeling "stuck" where they are, some are people in emotionally, verbally, or even physically abusive relationships. I don't think every instance of "getting with a person who's already with someone else" is the horrible situation of flat-out being an ass and trying to steal someone away from a good relationship.

Toaster126

Some people don't leave relationships without knowing they can move to something else... they don't like being single or don't feel like they can handle it.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

The_Jazz

I've been on both sides of this issue, albeit with different women, but I don't think there's as much black and white here as some people suppose. It's hard for an outsider to kill a healthy relationship without some pretty heavy artillery. If someone's in a committed relationship, your chances of breaking them up without some underlying problem between them are pretty close to nil. I love how people on this board love to respond in absolutes like "you're a dick if you try to break up a couple" (to paraphrase). What if the guy's likes to hit her? What if she wants kids and he doesn't? How about if he's secretly planning on pimping her out? Yeah, trying to break up a couple is usually a dick manuver but not always.

If she likes her boyfriend more than you, you're wasting your time. If she likes you more than him, then maybe you have a chance. If you get in the "friend zone", you've got a problem, but that's something completely different.

The first girl that I ever fell in love with was dating someone else when we met. By the end of the night, she wasn't dating him any more. A few years later, I was dating someone else, and after a few months, it was pretty apparent that it wasn't going anywhere but neither of us mentioned that fact. She ended up meeting someone else, and our relationship ended. Did it suck? Yes, of course, but its not like I didn't know that it wasn't coming.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

MEAD

All this talk has got me anxious, and apt to blow it on the playing it cool front (something I've got problems with), but I'll let you guys know as soon as something interesting happens. Whatever happens at least I'm a bit wiser for it.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

Fallon

You know, this statement just strikes me as funny for what you're advocating and the statement you're replying to.

As for this whole thread, I'm 22, quite stable in my relationship and if I found out a guy was hitting on my fiancee and trying to break us up...My former best friend tried doing that...keyword is former. I've got all the confidence in my relationship in the world but my fiancee makes it abundantly clear that we're engaged and happy together. If they continued to try, I'd take that as an attack against the both of us that would be dealt with accordingly.

I've also had a girl leave me for another guy who was doing this exact thing. It took me awhile to get over that but in the end it was for the better. Does that mean I think it's ok to do it, hell no. It'll come back to bite you one way or another.

yosho

i think it's the girls job to decide whether she wants you or not, and if she's in a stable healthy relationship, than she should make it perfectly obvious that she's not interested, otherwise, it's fair game.

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mm...sex is fun

Sharon

As a girl myself, my suggestion is to be an interesting, independent guy whose company she enjoys, and if she really is single, or eventually becomes single, she will let you know if she's interested.

MEAD

That's all I really want to do.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

Toaster126

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I would be happy to discuss it if you would clarify for me.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

jmad

I'm going to agree with the approach Zar took. Keeping in touch with this girl is fine, and I don't see anything wrong with trying to find out how she feels about her current relationship. That said, you still know she is in a relationship, so don't actively try to end it.

Don't listen to these nay sayers who think that you should totally back off from this girl because she is in a relationship. If she isn't married, she's fair game. Anyways, what if you two are perfect for each other and don't know it yet? I say keep doing whatever you're doing, but don't go in for the kill until you know that she has ended her relationship.

MEAD

So yeah, she didn't have a boyfriend, and things seem to be going decently so far.

__________________
Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

match000

Man, this type of girl doesn't sound classy to me at all. Using her "bf" to be an auto-block for uninterested guys? WTF? that's just mean. Mean to the "bf", not to the interested guys, of course.

match000

By this definition, I would have the green-light to start calling up girls who are taken and asking for lunch.

Sure, I can attribute this to wanting to be friends, but I had put these girls in the no-fly-zone due to their non-single status.

I guess what I'm saying is, your definition of 'not moving in' is pretty loose then, from my point of view.

I had thought that if she is taken, either you generally are friends with her for some reason (club, interest, tennis partner, etc) or you should not ask her out solo (asking her out to group events is ok, but even then I hesitate, cuz that is like poaching on some guy's girl).

match000

I don't think this is me. Everytime I find out a girl is involved (BF), it's always cuz I was genuinely attracted and tried to go in for the contact info

or, in my most recent case, i believe two girls who i newly met together at once were kind of interested in me but the one that was single edged out the other one by mentioning the other one's BF.

match000

Hmm i always thought that the BF/GF thing was best left unalone; ie it was sacred from the outsider's perspective.

match000

that's weaksauce. i've been single all my life (22 now).

match000

So I was surfing and this random stupid dating site has a relationship status: "Always Looking"

So, what if a girl declares her status as "Always Looking" to everyone, including her BF *at the time* they get involved?

Carno

I don't know how you came to that conclusion from my post, but whatever.

And dude, you could have made just one post.

__________________
http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/

Cynthetiq

damn match,

obsessing about this thread????

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Toaster126

Call it whatever you like; if you haven't seen people like that, then I'm not quite sure we are on the same planet.

Perhaps not being single for a while may change your mind about this issue.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)