Seeing him again?! - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Vindicated0411 · 03-19-2006, 03:16 PM

So I was around my ex-boyfriend of about a year and a half a few nights ago. I haven't really talked to him since I am currently dating one of his good friends. It's a really long story in itself how we ended up together, my current boyfriend that is. Anyways, it's been easiest for me to be angry at him (my ex) and make him out to be the most horrible person I can. My current boyfriend wants me to work out my "problems" with my ex so that they can be friends without complications because of me.

My ex and I ended up talking a little bit at the party, my boyfriend ended up going to bed early. I handled myself well but I felt really emotional after talking to my ex. We both said things to each other and about our past together and what we thought of things currently. The truth is he asked if I could have changed things when we broke up if I would rather to have stayed with him or if I would rather for things to have worked out the way they did. I am glad things worked out the way they did because I love my current boyfriend so much and he means the world to me. I really hope to give him everything I have and that we can make it through college together and see what happens. But sometimes i wonder what would have happened if I work things out with my ex.

I was a little intoxicated at the party which made it easier to talk I think, but my ex said that talking to me at the party made him think of all the "good ol times together" and that he missed me. It felt really good to hear him say this and to even hear him say that he missed me. I can't say for sure because he didn't say it but it felt like from the way he was talking that he realized he screwed up and he wishes in ways that we were still together.

The Dilemma,
My problem that I am posting about is after talking to him, I think about him and am not sure what to do or if I should just do nothing. I love my current boyfriend so much and I don't want to mess things up with him. But what am I suppose to do about my ex. I wish I could get him out of my head and heart emotinally which is hard to do if I have to be around him. I want to try to work things out for my boyfriend so he can be friends and hang out with my ex. But, what should I do?!

ryfo · 03-19-2006, 03:26 PM

You said you were a bit intoxicated when you talked to him, so I would say do nothing. Arrange with your current bf a night out or a social drink with him as a group and see what you think then. I think you will find that you always seem to remember the good times (especially when under the influence) maybe spending time with him in a normal situation will bring back the reasons why you broke upand make it ok to see him now and then.

lurkette · 03-19-2006, 04:49 PM

First, why does your boyfriend want so badly to be friends with your ex? If you want to be friends with him, great, but if you are convinced it's over and really don't want to dredge up old feelings, tell your current boyfriend you're uncomfortable around him. Otherwise, be around him when it's necessary or just happens, and see where your feelings take you. If you can't shake the feelings for the ex, it probably means you need to make some decisions.

Cynthetiq · 03-19-2006, 05:59 PM

Quote:

My ex and I ended up talking a little bit at the party, my boyfriend ended up going to bed early. I handled myself well but I felt really emotional after talking to my ex. We both said things to each other and about our past together and what we thought of things currently. The truth is he asked if I could have changed things when we broke up if I would rather to have stayed with him or if I would rather for things to have worked out the way they did. I am glad things worked out the way they did because I love my current boyfriend so much and he means the world to me. I really hope to give him everything I have and that we can make it through college together and see what happens.

Here you're committed so much and want to give him everything.

Quote:

But sometimes i wonder what would have happened if I work things out with my ex.

Here you don't.

Everyone wonders what could have been. I've been married 4 years and I still wonder what could have been with other girlfriends past. But truth be told, I would not trade it for the world as the woman I am with, Skogafoss is the greatest thing to happen to me in my life so far.

Let yourself wonder, then put the thought to the side and enjoy where you are.

Vindicated0411 · 03-19-2006, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Let yourself wonder, then put the thought to the side and enjoy where you are.

You have an extremely good point. I think that is the mind frame I need to be in and stay in. But one question, what should I do when I talk to my ex? That is when I am what I would consider "most vulnerable."

Cynthetiq · 03-19-2006, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vindicated0411

You have an extremely good point. I think that is the mind frame I need to be in and stay in. But one question, what should I do when I talk to my ex? That is when I am what I would consider "most vulnerable."

why would you do anything different???

If you think you're going to be "most vulnerable" then the answer is simple:

Quote:

If you hang out at the barbershop long enough, eventually you'll get a hair cut.

xim · 03-19-2006, 10:23 PM

A disaster is brewing here...

Your ex is still in love with you and you are now dating his best friend. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't originally start dating the friend out of spite for your ex. Regardless, you probably should have known better. But thats spilled milk now. Your in an unstable situation and need to be very concious and careful about what happens.

The only possible reason I can imagine why your current bf would want you to 'resolve things' with your ex/his friend is because either hes socially dumb enough to not see two inches in front of the present with regards to the consequences, or he's doing some weird fruedian thing trying to screw the relationship up.

Can you in your wildest dreams imagine hanging out with the two of them, having completely neutral feelings about your ex, and your ex having completely neutral feelings about you, your bf not suspicious or jealous? No matter what you and your ex feel it is NOT neutral and never will be. If your bf honestly has such a blind intuition about the impending problems this will cause, it is your responsibility to say "NO this is a bad idea".

STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR EX.

All this takes is one party where your bf steps off and you and your ex are tipsy. You feel "vulnerable". He's turned on by your vulnerability and flirtyness, (seeing it as his duty as a man to make a move) makes a move on you (fuck his friend, your hot and he wants you back). And you are of course taken back emotionally and overwhelmed, "I dont know what im feeling...I'm emotional and confused". BAM the whole thing is ruined. You feel guilty, you feel confused, your bf feels betrayed and hates his friend, maybe even hates you, you dont know who you want, but it might not even matter because the situation just got so complicated all three of you might have to go seperate ways.

It might not happen exactly like that, but you need to realize that your walking a tightrope. You need to let your bf know that he is pushing you onto this tightrope.

If you beleive that you can be 'ok' with your ex again without falling for him again, I think your wrong. But even you can, he can't. The BEST possible outcome is that your ex will be so torn up by the situation that their freindship will be destroyed.

Vindicated0411 · 03-20-2006, 05:47 PM

Quote:

STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR EX.

I think you have the best idea anyone has said but how do I tell my boyfriend I just simply can't be around him and I don't know if I could ever be totally ok with him (my ex). My boyfriend wants so bad for everything to be ok, because he considers my ex to be a very good friend. I tried the absolute wrong thing to do which was I gave my boyfriend the ultimatum of the ex-boyfriend or me. That didn't go over well. Pretty much my boyfriend said it was the ex if I was going to put him in that situation. It didn't work nor should I have tried putting him in an ultimatum. I have tried talking till I am blue in the face but it just feels I can't make my boyfriend understand.

lurkette · 03-20-2006, 07:10 PM

If your boyfriend knows the risk (you might fall for the ex again and he'd lose you) and he still wants you to be "okay" with it, maybe you're with the wrong guy. Go ahead and hang around with the ex, and one of two things will happen: you'll get used to being around him and the feelings will fade, or they won't, and your course of action will be clear.

little_tippler · 03-21-2006, 05:27 AM

I agree with lurkette, you're probably with the wrong guy. If the feelings don't fade, something is going to go wrong. Also, even if you went back to your ex, then the other guy will be the ex and then you might find yourself in a similar situation, with the guys reversed. I'm sure things will become clear for you soon, it seems inevitable.

tecoyah · 03-21-2006, 06:53 AM

Bieng the Ex (many times over), I would recommend you avoid me. There is always a good reason for the EX status, hidden in the attraction.

03-19-2006, 03:16 PM	#1 (permalink)
Vindicated0411 Upright Location: Raleigh, NC	Seeing him again?! So I was around my ex-boyfriend of about a year and a half a few nights ago. I haven't really talked to him since I am currently dating one of his good friends. It's a really long story in itself how we ended up together, my current boyfriend that is. Anyways, it's been easiest for me to be angry at him (my ex) and make him out to be the most horrible person I can. My current boyfriend wants me to work out my "problems" with my ex so that they can be friends without complications because of me. My ex and I ended up talking a little bit at the party, my boyfriend ended up going to bed early. I handled myself well but I felt really emotional after talking to my ex. We both said things to each other and about our past together and what we thought of things currently. The truth is he asked if I could have changed things when we broke up if I would rather to have stayed with him or if I would rather for things to have worked out the way they did. I am glad things worked out the way they did because I love my current boyfriend so much and he means the world to me. I really hope to give him everything I have and that we can make it through college together and see what happens. But sometimes i wonder what would have happened if I work things out with my ex. I was a little intoxicated at the party which made it easier to talk I think, but my ex said that talking to me at the party made him think of all the "good ol times together" and that he missed me. It felt really good to hear him say this and to even hear him say that he missed me. I can't say for sure because he didn't say it but it felt like from the way he was talking that he realized he screwed up and he wishes in ways that we were still together. The Dilemma, My problem that I am posting about is after talking to him, I think about him and am not sure what to do or if I should just do nothing. I love my current boyfriend so much and I don't want to mess things up with him. But what am I suppose to do about my ex. I wish I could get him out of my head and heart emotinally which is hard to do if I have to be around him. I want to try to work things out for my boyfriend so he can be friends and hang out with my ex. But, what should I do?! __________________ Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.~ Teddy Roosevelt

03-19-2006, 04:49 PM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	First, why does your boyfriend want so badly to be friends with your ex? If you want to be friends with him, great, but if you are convinced it's over and really don't want to dredge up old feelings, tell your current boyfriend you're uncomfortable around him. Otherwise, be around him when it's necessary or just happens, and see where your feelings take you. If you can't shake the feelings for the ex, it probably means you need to make some decisions. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

03-19-2006, 10:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
xim Insane Location: One with the Universe	A disaster is brewing here... Your ex is still in love with you and you are now dating his best friend. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't originally start dating the friend out of spite for your ex. Regardless, you probably should have known better. But thats spilled milk now. Your in an unstable situation and need to be very concious and careful about what happens. The only possible reason I can imagine why your current bf would want you to 'resolve things' with your ex/his friend is because either hes socially dumb enough to not see two inches in front of the present with regards to the consequences, or he's doing some weird fruedian thing trying to screw the relationship up. Can you in your wildest dreams imagine hanging out with the two of them, having completely neutral feelings about your ex, and your ex having completely neutral feelings about you, your bf not suspicious or jealous? No matter what you and your ex feel it is NOT neutral and never will be. If your bf honestly has such a blind intuition about the impending problems this will cause, it is your responsibility to say "NO this is a bad idea". STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR EX. All this takes is one party where your bf steps off and you and your ex are tipsy. You feel "vulnerable". He's turned on by your vulnerability and flirtyness, (seeing it as his duty as a man to make a move) makes a move on you (fuck his friend, your hot and he wants you back). And you are of course taken back emotionally and overwhelmed, "I dont know what im feeling...I'm emotional and confused". BAM the whole thing is ruined. You feel guilty, you feel confused, your bf feels betrayed and hates his friend, maybe even hates you, you dont know who you want, but it might not even matter because the situation just got so complicated all three of you might have to go seperate ways. It might not happen exactly like that, but you need to realize that your walking a tightrope. You need to let your bf know that he is pushing you onto this tightrope. If you beleive that you can be 'ok' with your ex again without falling for him again, I think your wrong. But even you can, he can't. The BEST possible outcome is that your ex will be so torn up by the situation that their freindship will be destroyed. __________________ If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com Last edited by xim; 03-19-2006 at 10:26 PM..

03-20-2006, 07:10 PM	#9 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	If your boyfriend knows the risk (you might fall for the ex again and he'd lose you) and he still wants you to be "okay" with it, maybe you're with the wrong guy. Go ahead and hang around with the ex, and one of two things will happen: you'll get used to being around him and the feelings will fade, or they won't, and your course of action will be clear. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

03-21-2006, 05:27 AM	#10 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	I agree with lurkette, you're probably with the wrong guy. If the feelings don't fade, something is going to go wrong. Also, even if you went back to your ex, then the other guy will be the ex and then you might find yourself in a similar situation, with the guys reversed. I'm sure things will become clear for you soon, it seems inevitable. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

03-19-2006, 03:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
ryfo Psycho Location: melbourne australia	You said you were a bit intoxicated when you talked to him, so I would say do nothing. Arrange with your current bf a night out or a social drink with him as a group and see what you think then. I think you will find that you always seem to remember the good times (especially when under the influence) maybe spending time with him in a normal situation will bring back the reasons why you broke upand make it ok to see him now and then.

03-21-2006, 06:53 AM	#11 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Bieng the Ex (many times over), I would recommend you avoid me. There is always a good reason for the EX status, hidden in the attraction. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha