Sunstar

I've been going back and forth in my head about this the last few days. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over four years. We've had some really great times but I don't think we're right for each other. Mainly it comes down to trust. He cheated on me emotionally twice. The first was a girl he was involved with before he met me and the second was while we were in the relationship. I forgave him for both. We worked things out and things have been pretty good. However, the second girl he did that with keeps a blog. I left an anonymous comment that was somewhat mean but overall pretty funny. (My opinion) He read that comment and figured out it was me. He then said something along the lines of how I was mean and that the comment was uncalled for. I also found in his browser history that he was searching on the internet for a naked picture of her I had made him delete. These couple of instances have made me seriously doubt if we're going to make it. I'm thinking it may just be wise to call it quits. What do you think?

Coppertop

Pardon my ignorance, but what is emotional cheating?

maleficent

I"m not sure what emotional cheating really is - but it sounds like you don't trust the guy- -and without that- you don't have much of a relationship... Why are you with the guy if he's cheated on your twice?

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skier

You've already got your answer, you're just looking for mental reassurance that it's the right decision.

From what you've put down it really seems to me that you don't trust him at all, and he doesn't trust you at all. This is a weak relationship. In addition to that (maybe because of it) he is "emotionally cheating" on you- getting into other relationships instead of strengthing your existing one.

I think you need to do one of two things:
1. Shake up the relationship. Have a good long talk about honesty, communication, and trust; find out what the relationship means to you, what it means to him, and if you want to continue it. As a result of this talk either start fresh or break up mutually.
2. Make the decision yourself, and break up with him. He has already lied to you and broken your trust deeply TWICE. Is this the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Can you truly forgive him this or will you resent it further on in the relationship?

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

taboo

trust your gut feeling..

Sunstar

What I meant by emotional cheating is that he was saying things to the first girl like he would love her forever, that she would always be in his heart, etc. With the second girl, she was telling him she was in love with him. He said he didn't tell her he loved her but I'm not sure I believe him. Today he left me an email that said if I can talk to her why can't he.

Sunstar

Deleted link

maleficent

I'm not going to read a link...

Why would you stay with someone you don't trust...

What does this guy offer you that you'd put yourself thru this emotional drama?

Any guy is not better than no guy... you deserve to be treated with respect...

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meembo

No trust = No healthy relationship

You can keep this "relationship" going for a long time, but you don't sound happy or hopeful. I hope you find it in yourself to find something better for yourself.

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less I say, smarter I am

poundpuppy34

just be prepaired for the pain that will come ...

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fyi: I am a female

william

Trust is a bigger issue than people want to believe. You break the trust and you break the bond between you. You cannot have an honest relationship w/someone you don't trust.
Yes - it hurts to breakup w/someone. It hurts more to live w/lies. Counseling might help, but imo once the trust is broke, it's done. Good luck!

captobvious

Would you really be happy if you had to constantly check up on your boyfriend?

Like everyone else has said, you need trust to have a healthy relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's there anymore.

:::OshnSoul:::

hahaha you sound like me, hun. unfortunately. I have what I call PKD- Paranoid Karmatic Disorder. I was married- I was completely faithful until I really knew that things were just not going to work out. He was a depressent and was very unemotional and had a lot weird angst in him. It will all due to this: He told me that he has never been able to trust and that his family never demonstrated what love was.
Over time, I became very depressed, insecure, longing for that "spark" again. It wasn't happening. I was miserable. My husband withdrew almost completely. Well- I ended up cheating on my husband. NEVER AGAIN would I do that to anyone- no matter what.
Anywho, he had spied on me. Looked in the web history, read my poetry, etc. I was about to tell him what I did because I couldn't hold it in- but then he found out by a post I made somewhere. At that time, I did not want to get divorced, I wanted it to work out. But then finally I realized that I did it for a reason. And that even if we tried to work past it, things would never be the same.
I then loved single life, a few dates here and there.......then came along this guy that struck me like no one else. All of the sudden- we are together. It's been 9 months and we are living together.
However- for some reason, and it has worsened for me, I started to feel a knot in my stomach. Not like "oh he's cheating on me" not, but that he wasn't being completely open with me. First, I complained. Called him constantly. Then- I browsed through some of his friends on Myspace- that's when I saw "overly-friendly" comments he made to this chick. Although she across the world, it was only 1-2 months before we moved in with each other. And he was complimenting her a lot. Well- I made another mistake which was confronting him on this in a very derogatory manner. When we were discussing this, he brought up that I was the only woman he hasn't cheated on. (I thought....."yet".....and "will he?") then told me it was because they cheated on him first. (I thought...."that's low!")
I told him that it was cheating on me emotionally. Thankful it did not continue- and we also cancelled both of our accounts- out of individual choice- and not just because of this circumstance either, because most of our "friends" we knew in person and we just never talked to the rest.
Ever since then it had been so extremely hard to beleive that he would be faithful. I would be on his every step. I would get suspicious of every little thing that didn't make sense to me.
Well- throughout conversations we've had, he helped me realize my PKD- that I "think" that karma will get me. And I am trying to prove myself right. But I don't want to feel this way anymore! I'm sick of it, he's sick of it (and yes he has trust issues too, but he has let me be me without much question- I thank him for that), and that's it. I have to and WANT to put full trust in him. If I don't it will just push him away.
Now, he has said to me He's just said "I am here for you, I'll be there for you, I'm not going anywhere, Who do I come home to everynight? Wake up to every morning?" But for some reason it bugs me that I have said to him and never once heard him say to me "I am/will be faithful to you" and "you are the only one". Those particular words, being said AND meant, would definately end this stupid feeling. To me, those are very direct.
But I can't say "well, if you just say these things and mean 'em, then I can trust you." I guess that's one part of the situation I'm having a hard time letting go of. And I will. I just have to know that he demonstrates his love and feelings for me with action, not words. He does say he loves me, but there are a lot of women out there like me being told these things (especially if the SO means it........) I can't make him say what I want......I just have to do my part- which is let go and trust.

Toaster126

This is why people should spell out what is "cheating" is to you (emotionally or physically).

Also, jealousy and mistrust corrodes relationships until there isn't anything left. Solve the problem now by having a good long talk about these things where you clearly state what your feelings are, and decide where you go from there.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

:::OshnSoul:::

^^^ completely agree. some might find casual flirting as cheating. Some might dismiss that and just say that having sex with someone else is cheating. I find that if an SO got attached either emotionally or physically with someone else, it is a level of cheating. A part of them, whether big or small, has detached from the relationship. But then of course- you would want to ask yourself what you may be doing to cause this. There is a lack thereof or too much of something that you are giving them.

It has been so difficult for my SO and I to have the time to just sit and talk. But there are a couple free evenings the beginning of next week in which we can discuss things, but we know it's something that needs to be talked out at once- not in little heated chunks.......

shesus

Not much more to say. No trust=bad relationship. If you're snooping through stuff expecting to find things and finding things, it's not healthy for you or the relationship. Life is too short and you deserve to be in a relationship that is loving and trusting.

As mal said, no guy is better than any guy, especially if the guy is not a good guy for you. Have a discussion, but imo move on. Trust is earned and he's already lost yours. That's a hard thing to get back and I don't think relationship should be that much work. They should be fun! Good luck.

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Biffaloo420

I think it would be hard to continue with a healthy relationship at this point because you'll always have these suspicions!