blizzak

My girlfriend and I have been going out for about a year and two months, and over the course of university(in 3rd year now), i've noticed a trend. Perhaps it's because i'm also "taken" now as well.

I've become friends with a few girls since I joined this particular club at school, and at one point it came out that I had a girlfriend, talk ensued, etc. This one girl and I have been having decent conversations and we've grown to be friends who talk about a lot of things when we're together. And just today I was waiting with her and another friend cause they were waiting to be picked up at school. She gave me a big hug before she left!

It may be nothing, it may just be a hug as friends. But i've seen this happen a lot, in which girls are very flirty and friendly with guys who have girlfriends and not so much with other guys. I don't think it has so much to do with a "want what they can't have" attitude, but more of the idea that since the guy is taken, nothing can happen between them, so might as well have some fun. I'm just wondering if anyone else has observed this in recent times. Back when I didn't have a girl or anything I got no attention...weird how things always seem to be at one extreme or the other when it comes to girls!

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healer

No woman wants a man another woman doesn't want.

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Carno

No, that's exactly what it is.

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Bill O'Rights

I disagree. Well...maybe in some cases. I mean, your always going to have the few that make a sport of trying to "take" guys from other girls, but overall...I don't think that's the case.
I think it's more a situation where a girl can now feel free to be a little "friendlier", open up a little more, without fear of the guy thinking that "Ooooh...she just gave me a hug...I'm gettin' laid tonight". The pressure is off.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

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snowy

There you have it.

I've personally noticed a higher level of physical intimacy (hugging, snuggling) with my guy friends who have girlfriends because they are "safe".

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maleficent

Bill is very wise

and as someone who occassionally tries (unsuccessfully) to get a little flirtatious sometimes... it's more fun to flirt with the guys who are 'taken'... they get an ego boost, and well nothing will come of it... They are going home to the wife, the girlfriend, whatever... It's harmless...

Sometimes a hug is just a hug...

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ratbastid

I think it's a combination of the mentioned factors.

People--not just women--want what they can't have. It's in our nature. Doesn't mean we're all boyfriend-stealing hussies (ahem), but the unattainable has a tendency to be built up into something very, very attractive.

Add to that the presumed "safety" of the taken guy, and that attraction can get expressed in fun, flirty ways that are enjoyable for everyone involved. Well... maybe not so much for the girlfriend.

ngdawg

And one more to add to the above: Because you do have someone, your confidence is higher, your 'air' or vibes come off better, so you're that much more attractive.

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fresnelly

Have I mentioned lately that I'm married?

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Daoust

I agree with the girls feeling safe idea... I also think that guys think that girls are more attracted to them because they, the males are taken. The whole idea of forbidden fruit. The guy thinks the girls are hitting on him, because he is taken and that whole idea of somebody wanting him and seducing him is a turn on.

That's a hard paragraph to read. I know what I mean.

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Charlatan

/me hugs fresnelly...

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JustJess

I have to agree with the "safety" idea. I tend to be a bit flirty anyway, but I feel MUCH more comfortable with those who are already taken, because it is harmless, or those who are friends/know my husband, because they know I'M taken and so it's usually harmless as well.

And Daoust, I gotcha - men may be slower to realize that women are just feeling safe with them, and think it's a "she wants me cause she can't have me" thing - so their egos are boosted. To be honest, unless a single guy is friendly with Quadro, I am suspicious if they are too flirty with me in the beginning...

Fresnelly - here's a friendly, non-wife-threatening smooch on the cheek from me! :*

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snowy

How YOU doin'?

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Daoust

How YOU doing?

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

Siege

Speaking as a guy who isn't taken, i'd have to say that that's not necessarily true. I get hugged by lots of my female friends. I guess it helps that i'm just a great guy

Or they think it's ok because they think i'm gay or taken when i'm neither.

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Supple Cow

For me, it's 100% because they feel safe to me. I've had more than one close friendship with a guy suffer because he and his SO broke up. It stopped feeling safe to do all the things I used to do as part of our friendship because many of them could be interpreted as flirting when dealing with a single guy. I have a couple of friends with whom this is a regular cycle. We hang out lots when they are with other people, but once they're on the hunt, we steer clear of each other for a while. Or maybe I steer clear of them more than they steer clear of me. It takes a lot out of the friendship when you have to wonder if everybody still agrees on what a hug means.

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Impetuous1

I think it's just that when a man is single, women giving them a hug is going to be misinterpreted as the woman being interested. However, for some women, when a man is known to be taken then some women feel like they can be themselves around the male without fear of misinterpretation that they are actually interested (or so they think as has become apparent by some in this thread). But also, of course, you must take into account the personality of the unattached woman. Sometimes she is the kind of person who likes to see if she can "get" the guy.

Suave

Agreed! Just like the way girls are more touchy-feely with their gay man friends. I know this from movies.

Question: Does this translate to attractiveness as well? Like if you're a girl, are you more apprehensive about being open and friendly to guys you find attractive versus those you don't?

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Toaster126

Increase in confidence, being more "safe", and the fact that women want what other women have. All have been addressed, so I'll wander off now.

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Lead543

I think it's because a taken man is demonstrating admirable attributes. He's got a girlfriend, most likely treating her in a way that the single girl would want to be treated.

To reverse the situation, I'm hit on less now that I'm in a relationship than I was before. All I get is "streak is one lucky guy"

Regardless of reasoning I think people should think twice before they decide to flirt with an attached man or woman. In my opinion it's disrespectful and rude.

match000

So... I don't get it ladies. You say you can be 'yourself' and 100% be friends with men who are taken. You don't feel as 'safe' with single men.

Then how the heck are single men supposed to just be friends with women? It seems almost as if women arent interested in being friends with single men, cuz you can't 'let loose' and talk about 'anything'...

Zeraph

I dunno, I've had the opposite happen to me recenty. It comes out that I don't have a girlfriend, and suddenly I'm the center of attention (they became more flirtatious.)

maleficent

It's the perception that if a guy is single, then he's on the prowl for the next available piece of tail... Ergo you have to be on the defensive to stop that... Guys who are 'taken'... (well some are.. but most aren't prowling... and are safer candidates..

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Impetuous1

I'm in agreement with Lead543. Some women (and men) really should think twice before flirting with the attached person of the opposite sex. Some guys or gals who might never have thought of cheating or breaking up with their SO might do so when they are being hit on. But then, I guess you could also say that that person probably wasn't in it for the long haul anyway and it's better to find out sooner than later.

I also notice that some men who I'm pretty sure are attracted to me find out I have a boyfriend, they immediately back off. To the point where they are even afraid to talk to me again. Weird.

match000

Umm, it's because I don't want the girl to think I'm hitting on her. You see, I'm inexperienced so when I am talking to a girl in an attractive way its usually flirty. If I stop being flirty to a girl I usually just come across as dead-boring. So... the problem is I want to be friends with her but I'm used to being flirty with girls but I don't want her to think I'm trying to take her away from her BF. So I just back off totally.

Impetuous1

The problem with that is when that happens, I think "Oh, so he just wanted to get into my pants after all and had absolutely no interest in anything I said." Oh well. Catch 22 I guess. I see where you are coming from. However, I usually have a pretty good idea when someone is interested in me and I usually preempt the whole situation by avoiding them. I also do the same when I find someone attractive and am in a relationship. I'd rather not be tempted.

match000

I see. That's interesting, it makes sense kind of. I don't think ANY girl likes to be friends with a 'boring'-esque guy right? That's kind of why I have changed to be a little more flirty, joke around, you know, treat her like one of the guys (bust and tease her more).

So then the question is, can a guy and girl who both find each other attractive but are not interested in each other (yet) truly be 'just friends'?

Or does one or the other inevitably like the other in a way that their friendship is at risk?

Who's to judge if one or the other began the friendship simply out of a subconcious intention to 'get in the other's pants'?

I guess this question and problem has been around forever, haha.

match000

Out of curiosity, how do you tell when a guy is interested in you in that way? Some guys flirt just cuz its their nature...

Impetuous1

I'm a bit of a geek so I can't speak for the majority of women on what is boring. I'm sure that some of my interests such as science fiction, fantasy and politics would bore a lot of women to tears. I think treating the opposite sex like you would treat members of your own sex is a pretty good idea. At least then they feel like they're being treated like equals.

I do think a guy and girl who find each other attractive can be friends. But maybe not great friends with a huge emotional attachment. I think it's just too similar to what you have with your SO and can lead to jealousy and doubt. (This depends on the people of course but I am speaking in generalities.) Most people become complacent with people they are used to having around. You start talking about sexual topics, give each other little touches here and there. Then one day things are a little rocky in your relationship and you start telling the friend all about your problems giving them ammo against your SO and giving them perhaps the idea of a green light. Pretty soon, the friend knows all about your history with your SO and doesn't hesitate to remind you of certain incidents. But of course, they only know one side. Then again, maybe I am completely off, but unfortunately I am speaking from experience. Yeah, I'm still embittered.

As far as how i can tell when a guy is interested, it's not usually that difficult but of course there's margin for error. It's not usually one sign but a combination of them. There's the flirting, which of course some guys love to do. But if I see them flirting that way with other women then I usually rule that out. There's also the gaze that makes you whip your head around because you can feel their stare. Then there's the blushing when they talk to you and they don't blush around other women. Also, defending of my opinions/actions to themselves and others. Oh, and also laughing at jokes that even I know are a bit lame even when I utter them.

Prince

Possibly one way to tell whether you're just someone fun to hang with, or a challenging pet project, is to pay attention to whether or not they keep asking you questions about your wife/girlfriend. If they often ask questions (as in are curious about her or you and her), then there's probably something they're after that's more than just hugs and laughs.

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Jinn

This is a perfect example of the "buddy-system" trust relationship that we see every day. If you go to a mechanic that you think looks good, but no one has ever been there before, you're taking a big risk.
However, if you go to a mechanic that you know someone has been to and has been at least satisfied with, then you corroborate your assumption that it's a good decision and are more likely to go there.

It's about what you think vs what you think the world thinks:

There's really only a few assumptions you can safely make about a single guy:

He's male.
He's attractive to ME.

As you can see, there's very few assumptions you can make with a high probability of being true. A man in a relationship, however, has many more.

He's in a relationship, so that means someone else thought he was one or more of the following:

Nice
Hot
Rich
Caring
Good in bed
Loving
Kind
Funny

While it may could be one or it could be all, being in a relationship means that he's been given the "used mechanic" stamp, and you corroborate your personal opinion with the world opinion.

So, "Nice Guys," maybe your strategy should be to pretend you're in a relationship until she gets interested, and then whip out the "I'm not in a relationship" card. BLAMO, it's like the 1-2-3 punch in the game of probability that relationships are.

And to the guys actually IN relationships, be happy that you get the best of both worlds; an awesome girlfriend, and people thinking you're better in some way than you probably are!

That's my take on it, anyway..

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Ishmal

me and my mates started noticing this years ago...

we just subscribe to the "want what u can't have" theory

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Xazy

Well before posting anything here, I sent this question around to all the single girls I know. After 9 of the 10 came back saying it is the challenge... You can take it for what it is worth.

LazyBoy

You are exactly right...I was dating a young lady about a month and a half ago, and I had a couple others interested in me...Though I didn't date around, and stuck with the one...

Now, that young lady has decided the better of dating me, and I'm sittin here at home by myself...And it looks like its gonna be that way for awhile...

-Will

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maleficent

Instead of blaming the female for wanting what someone else has... ever consider that while you're with this girl - your confidence level goes up a bit...

As a female, i'll tell ya nothing sexier than a man who's got confidence... (not arrogance - but confidence) ... you've got this fine young filly on your arm, and you are walking a little taller, chest out a little more... you think you're the shit - well other people notice this as well...

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Toaster126

Upon second look at this thread I'm reminded of the Chris Rock bit. He says that men look at a good relationship and think, "I need to get me a woman like that." Women look at a good relationship and think, "I need to get him."

Or something like that. I refuse to get out the DVD to confirm the actual statement.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

ASU2003

I pretty much agree with all of the other ideas here. But, also think that when you have a girlfriend, a guy does activities together as a couple and meets more people and becomes more interesting. Where a single guy would look out of place and look desperate or not allowed to go.

Now, how do you find a girlfriend or even girls that will be friends with you if you are a single guy?

Jove

Easy. Go up to a girl and start a non perverted non sexual neutral yet funny conversation and you should be good to go.

ASU2003

A lot of girls will still think the only reason you are talking to her is to get in her pants.

Or is that just my negative thinking pattern at work? I probably am way too worried about what other people are thinking.

Jove

I think you are overanalyzing everything, but I do that all the time. I just make a fool of myself and all goes well.

Just get people talking about a subject, like their favorite movie, book, or tv show.