Liquor Dealer

Thought you guys needed to relax a bit!

A man walked into a cowboy bar near Waco, TX and ordered a beer, just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to the guy and knocked him flat.

Climbing back up to the bar, the man said, "This must be Clinton country"!

"Nope," the bartender replied, "horse country."

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Life isn't always a bowl of cherries, sometimes it's more like a jar of Jalapenos --- what you say or do today might burn your ass tomorrow!!!

The_Dude

:O

i've posted this before, but i'll post it again to counter liquor dealer

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There's this rich woman and she's out car shoppping. So, she goes out to the local benz dealership and buys a fully loaded benz for $ 100k. Everything that can possibly be put on it has been put on it.

So, she drives it off the lot and notices that the radio only has 1 button. On or Off. And she can only listen to one station after turning the radio on because there's only one knob.

So, she decides to drive it back to the lot and complain. The dealer said that the radio is completely voice activated and she can just say what she wants to hear and the radio would automatically switch to that channel.

She drives off the lot, and says "rock and roll" and the rolling stones began to play, she says "country" and toby keith comes on.

She's listening to toby keith while driving when a guy cuts her off. She yells "ass hole", and the Bush's speech comes on.

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__________________
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrel K Royal

geep

Try this one:

A guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. When the bartender brings him his beer he says to him "Hey bartender- want to hear a Hillary Clinton joke?" The bartender looks at him and says " before you tell that joke look around". The guy looks around and notices that the bar is full of big ugly mean looking guys. The bartender says "See all those guys? This is Democrat Country and we love our Democrats. Still want to tell that joke?" The guy looks down at his beer, then back up at the bartender and says "Nah- not if I've got to explain it that many times".

Liquor Dealer

Dude! Actually it was a John Deere tractor - not a Merc and it wasn't a Bush speech - it was Larry Stecklines's farm report


"She drives off the lot, and says "rock and roll" and the rolling stones began to play, she says "country" and toby keith comes on.

She's listening to toby keith while driving when a guy cuts her off. She yells "ass hole", and the Bush's speech comes on."

__________________
Life isn't always a bowl of cherries, sometimes it's more like a jar of Jalapenos --- what you say or do today might burn your ass tomorrow!!!

Lebell

That bar joke was originally a blonde joke

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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Sun Tzu

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

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To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.- Stephen Hawking

Sparhawk

AND THEN THE DOG VOTED REPUBLICAN!!

Sorry, wrong thread.

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"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

The_Dude

that's hilarious

__________________
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Darrel K Royal