sexymama

Short and simple: The ex lost his job. He has taken in two foster teenage boys for the income. He assures me they are not sexual preditors and that they are very nice children. Our daughters are 10 and 8. I do not want them staying at his house with the boys there as I don't know these boys or their background. What do you think?

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StormBerlin

I can see your concern. I wouldn't let my girls stay there either. Hopefully he'll understand.

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maleficent

I hate stereotyping, however teenage boys are not children, they are (with apologies to the teenage fellas here) buckets of hormones.

Hopefully social services is aware that your ex has the girls part of the time, and didn't place these young men who could be at risk. Can you talk to social services to find out the history of these young men.

I'm more disturbed that someone took in foster children as a means to make some money, these are peoples lives, the need to help them, and want to improve their lives should be what fostering is all about, not just some easy cash. (Yes, I wear Rose Colored glasses)

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Polyphobic

Maleficent is 100% correct.
To take foster children in to make money is just plain wrong.
I'm not qualified to give you advice on what to do regarding your kids. However, if it were me I'd sue for complete custody. But that's just good old paranoid me.

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Amethyst

I'm more disturbed that someone took in foster children as a means to make some money, these are peoples lives, the need to help them, and want to improve their lives should be what fostering is all about, not just some easy cash. (Yes, I wear Rose Colored glasses)
I agree with maleficent aobut this no one should get foster children to make money! Never.

If I were you sexymama I would contact social services and see what you can find out about these two boys and go from there.

sexymama

I will be making an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. Unfortunately, he won't allow me to access social services (I asked.) But he is demanding that the girls see him with the boys in the house. The girls' counselor says there is no way they should go. I've given him five options, including me bringing the girls to him and him coming her to stay with them (while Lebell and I honeymoon -- so we won't be around.)

FYI - I know that being a foster child doesn't make you a bad person. However, it does mean you may have some garbage to deal with that isn't your fault. I love children -- I'm a teacher. I simply feel that I must put the safety and innocence of my daughters first.

Thanks everyone for your input -- I am taking it to heart! (And agree totally about the motivation for him taking in Foster children -- but, unfortunately, that is not my problem.)

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

mr sticky

Says it all!
Good luck..and who knows, maybe this will change him and be a positve thing in his life, despite the poor reasoning for his choices.

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raeanna74

Please keep us up to date. I hope this works out.

I don't see how you couldn't contact social services yourself. You could do it on the basis of being concerned for your daughter's well being. They don't have to give you much information but they may make some changes with his foster care if they learn about your concern. It would be worth a try maybe. I'm sure your Lawyer will be able to advice you about it though.

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Esco

Agreed. If you have some concerns it's best that you act on them right away.

BTW, I can't think of a worst reason to have foster children. It's shameful.

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sexymama

My appointment is later today. (It is 1:14 in the morning and I can't sleep due to all this stress.) He is still pressuring me; but I talked with the girls' counselor again today and she said I'm doing the right thing.

As for contacting social services myself, we live 540 miles apart -- so I never thought of it. Not a bad idea. I'll see what the lawyer has to say.

Edit

The lawyer seems to feel we have a firm case. He will go after changing visitation to make it supervised when foster children are present or unsupervised when they are gone and we have proof of such. Only down fall, the retainer is much more than I can afford. Mom is helping out -- good old mom! But I still need $1,000 more. My kids safety is worth it, so I'll figure it out.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

fairsquare

I've met several situations where people have taken in children to help support their income. You might not believe this, but people generally aren't too interested in adopting older children. The money is the key and it works. The good news is that the families that have to take in the children are at least in some way screened. This isn't perfect but it is something. Also, just because a person likes the money doesn't mean they aren't doing a very large social service for society. Think about it... what is baby sitting? Its taking care of a child for money plain and simple. Love is nice for baby sitting, but as a parent I would be satisfied about keeping them out of trouble. My mother takes in a foster child which she wouldn't do if it didn't at least involve some cash incentive(my bias is now showing), and all of the children have left in much better shape then when they arrived. the part about affecting other children.... well, my mother didn't start until we were all gone and i don't think she would have. I would recommend meeting the kids she took in and making your own judgement. I've seen basket cases and saints.

sexymama

^Good point -- and fair. He does have a right to be paid for watching after these boys. I wouldn't teach if I didn't get paid.

I'm still frustrated though. He talks with the girls every Sunday evening. This evening he must have told them I won't let them go visit, as the eldest asked me why when she was done with her call. I simply replied, "honey, I will let your dad see you. He can come here any time he wants or I can take you down there. I simply won't have you staying in his home while the foster children are there." Lebell backed me up -- and she responded, "we stayed when _____'s (the girlfriend's) foster children were there." I said, "but I didn't know they were there and when you called me up to express concerns about them, I was not pleased." (He had promised me they wouldn't be around.) "She said, "It was just that they were so mean." "My point exactly." "Oh." Nothing more was said.

I'm ranting -- but it just gets me that we are paying money on lawyers when I'd much rather be using the money to take them to visit their dad. (And yes, I told him that.) So sad for everyone involved!

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.