PredeconInferno

This is enormous. If you only read it, I'm in your debt. I'm a crushed man, you'll understand.

My Account:

First things first: I would like you to know that this story is nothing more than an account of my feelings about what happened and my journey into discovering what this all meant to me and to us.
October 7…. I know, I memorized the date, it must be important to me. Well it is. That signifies the date on which my girlfriend, my lover, my closest and best friend for about two and a half years…left me. It’s painful to speak about and I’m sure it will remain that way for quite some time. But that’s not the point. The point is that I want to grow from this experience and become a better person or whatever else I can be.
I had known this woman for several months before I actually asked her to be exclusive to me. I had spoken to her often and I learned that she was a very strong woman having gone through many things that no one should have to go through. I knew from the beginning that I liked this girl and had a potential romantic interest in her. After having spoken for a while, she came to visit me in my home state (she lived across the country). This was a spectacular moment for me to find out if I truly felt like I was compatible with this woman. It turns out, I was quite compatible… scarily so. When I had my first moment alone with her, I hugged her. I did it softly and let the hug linger for a short time… it felt incredible to me. From that moment I realized that I would fit with her as the hug was not uncomfortable in any way. I was used to this woman somehow. It was the first time I’d ever made physical contact with her in this fashion and yet I felt like she fit perfectly in my arms. At the time, I didn’t understand why it felt so easy to be close to this woman when before I had always tried to take it slow and easy in order to build that trust. In this instance, I trusted her immediately. That visit lasted for only a few days but I knew immediately, from that first hug, that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her even though it meant she would be 1200 miles away from me most of the time. The rest of the time we spent together was normally with friends and family present. It was great to be with her, I could treat her as a good and very deep friend with people around and we both felt completely comfortable with it. I could hold her hand and not feel ashamed in anyway… in fact it made me feel proud that this woman was so eager and happy to be with me in this fashion. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was in love with her… In fact, I was aware from our first kiss that I loved her, and I opened myself to the idea. That was some two years ago on the night of our first hug… People always say that when you kiss someone new, it feels strange. I happen to agree with that in terms of technique it always feels… different. When you finally build up the courage to kiss a new person it definitely feels different. Normally you have to kiss this person more than a few times to get used to it. After that you’re pretty comfortable kissing them whenever and it’s no longer a HUGE deal but rather more like a display of deep affection (at least in my case). With this woman, however… our lips touching together felt like the exact thing our lips should have been doing. It felt, to me, like our lips were built specifically to kiss the other's. It may be difficult to understand but let me explain: It certainly was different to kiss her, yes. However, she responded to me in a manner that could only be described as perfect. Her body language suggested she felt it was incredible. My body felt submerged in feelings of “rightness” for this woman. I felt like I had kissed this woman thousands of times before and only now understood that. Emotionally when you kiss someone new, there are several things that usually occur. For one thing, you feel excited because it’s a new person (I was most certainly excited in this case). Normally for me there was always a feeling of being unsure to a small degree. Other times when I kiss the woman thoughts run through my head like what the hell is she doing? Or, my personal favorite, "her lips are cold." With this first kiss, her lips were neither cold, nor did I feel like she had no clue what was going on. So when I say it felt right to kiss her, you understand to some degree. Moving on then, I was talking about our relationship around people. I always tried my hardest to treat her with the most respect I possibly could. I also made it a goal to treat her the same around my friends as around her friends and mostly as we would in private. I say mostly here because I believe certain displays of affection are inappropriate in a public area with people about. She seemed to have fun around me and she seemed to be happy to be with me no matter what we did.
Being with this woman after quite some time brought me to a realization… My life felt filled when I was with her. That has never happened to me with any other women I’ve spent time with. At first, it confused and frightened me. There was a long period of time where I wasn’t sure if I was truly in love with this woman. I spent most of my waking time thinking about her in some form. I would often find myself distracted by thoughts of her, hoping and wishing that she would be around to talk to when I got out of class or work. I don’t feel that I was completely dependent on her… but at first, maybe I was becoming dependent on her to make me feel happy. My freshman year in college I grabbed on to her and held her (metaphorically speaking) tighter than a fat kid holds onto the last piece of cake he’s going to have for six years. After my freshman year, which was full of all kinds of ups and downs, I felt myself growing apart from her. I wondered why. Over the next few months, I think I began to understand... I had broken up with another woman to be with this one (for the most part) and part of me always wondered what it would have been like if I had stayed with her. But that’s not the only reason I felt like we were drifting… I attribute it mostly to the distance that separated us on a normal basis. Not only the distance, but I went for months without seeing her at all. Then, I had a brilliant plan (with some nudging from her friends) to surprise visit her when I had a break. It happened in October (it was the 4th, actually, my Mother’s Birthday). She came to hang out with her friend and I was there at the house waiting for her. She seemed surprised to see me (judging by the fact that her eyes were about as big as J-Lo’s ass). By spending the next few days with her, I began to understand that she made me so much happier than I had ever been, even with the aforementioned other woman. After this visit, I understood that this woman made me feel incredible and I didn’t want to give that up for anything in the world. So, in this special surprise visit done by me, I officially asked her to be my girlfriend (before, it was only over the phone, like I said 1200 miles). Hearing her response made me float on air (no, I wasn’t taking acid). She responded with a simple, yet appropriate, “yes.” However, the incredible part about this response was how her eyes lit up and how her smile seemed to melt away everything I had ever worried about. To say this woman has a ‘pretty’ smile would insult her smile. After this day, I felt so secure with this woman that I didn’t wonder about that other woman… nearly at all (yes, still a little. I’ll get to that).
Fast forward a year or two now: I’m a sophomore in college and I’ve been having wonderful success with her in terms of our relationship. For example, I can comfortably tell her how much I love her (which is considerable). Having been with this woman for over a year, I understood what her mettle really was. I understand her deeper than anyone else does. The same goes for her, she understood me very deeply. It was over Valentine’s Day that year that we shared one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. I won’t elaborate, but I will make it known that I felt it was a tremendous bond with this woman spiritually and physically both. To me, it was the first time I’d ever felt that way and wanted to do anything like that. With her, I wasn’t nervous or anything in any way. Such was my deep trust and love for her. If she ever reads this, I hope she understands that doing that was the largest step I’d ever taken with a relationship. In that action I poured my love, my hopes for the future, my compassion, and my trust. I gave her my word that it was her I wanted to be with to no foreseeable end. She left again to go home back to her school and to her parents to leave me struggling in college with classes and loneliness. Being away from her never did feel good to me. I often maintain that simply being in her presence would make me quite happy. Even if she never spoke to me, kissed me, touched me… I would be so happy to be there near her (so long as she knew I was there and wanted me there). If I could have that, I would die a happy man. The absence of her presence is what made my thoughts drift back to the Other Woman… and again I began to wonder what it would be like. So… at the advent of that year I asked her to have some free time to be single again over the summer. I felt that because she was going to a school near me over the school year I would be able to see her reasonably regularly and I would never have to worry about missing her ever again. I knew that if I was near her even so little as once a month I would never have a doubt and I would be willing to continue this for decades. So that summer I wanted the freedom to find out if it was truly her I wanted to be with. I pursued the Other Woman, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. However, what happened was definitely NOT what I expected. I would call her and anticipate seeing her on a given night so that we could have fun with each other, hang out. I anticipated a lot of fun with her. However… as it ended up… she NEVER answered her phone and NEVER bothered to call me back. She never even bothered to tell me she changed her cellular phone’s number (I found out through her mother). This really irritated me, to be perfectly honest. On the one hand, I made a legitimate attempt to see what else was out there for me… and I was completely turned around. I thought that she and I could work well together and have fun like we used to… it would appear I had forgotten a few of the things that annoyed me about her. My conclusion on this experience, the woman I was with was leagues ahead of the Other Woman. This merely fortified to my mind what my heart already knew. I wanted to be with this woman for the rest of my life.
Time to talk about something else for a while: commitment. I was never one to be all into the whole commitment thing (what male is?). So, when she would speak about “our house” and things of that nature… I would turn ice cold and try to turn her thoughts away from that by any means necessary. I was afraid to commit to her because I feared what the future might hold. I understand now that as I was becoming a junior in college, I was becoming more responsible… the hectic college life begins to wane as I prepare to start a career and a complete life. A complete life… an interesting thought I’ll have to talk about later. Right, so I was becoming responsible. With this responsibility came thoughts of my future. The more I thought about it the more it frightened me that I really did want to be with this woman. That’s why whenever she’d talk about it I would become cold an try to tell her something like I “never thought about it” or that I “avoid thinking about those things.” Well, that’s not true, I was just too afraid to let her know that I wanted her forever. I knew she had already made up her mind… so I wanted to play it cool because I thought I wasn’t sure. It wasn’t until about a month into my third year in college (her first year) that I understood something… We were having some troubled times… and I wanted her to know how my heart felt. I told her that it was her that I wanted to be with… I wanted a family, children, and a puppy. I told her that I couldn’t foresee having any of these things if I couldn’t share them with her. By telling her these things, I pledged my undying devotion to her and gave her my word.
I gave her my word. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but you may not understand where I’m coming from. Over the years I had been in college, I became increasingly drawn to feudal japanese culture. The time of the Samurai and the Shogunate appears to me to be a beautiful period of history. Some of you may know what honor is… but do you really KNOW what honor is? If you’re looking for a simple definition: That which rightfully attracts esteem, respect, or consideration; self-respect; dignity; courage; fidelity; especially, excellence of character; high moral worth; virtue; nobleness; specifically in men, integrity; uprightness; trustworthiness. For a simple definition it’s pretty long. Maybe that means there really is no “simple definition” for the word, the idea. Honor to me is all those things. It’s a life style, it’s a way of treating others, and it’s the reason for doing most of the things I do. Honor, to me, is a very big deal. Without it, I am nothing; because to be me, is to be honorable. Over these past few years I’ve tried to model my life after that of someone who is virtuous, spiritual, forgiving, and generous. It definitely hasn’t been easy… but I find that with each passing day I become a little bit more of that man I wish I was. My honor is my life; it’s what makes me proud to be myself. If I dishonor myself, or dishonor anyone else, I feel I have failed in some way. It feels like I fail to be myself and thus I fail my parents and my ancestors before me.
By giving her my word and my devotion I give her everything that is me. By giving her my devotion, my honor is tied to that idea. To summarize this: I can not go back on my word. That is why I feel that if I “moved on” and found some other woman to pacify my immediate needs I would dishonor her and thus dishonor myself. To me, that simply is unacceptable. I know now that if I did move on, whoever I chose as her successor would be dishonored by me because I could never love them and I could never fully devote my heart and my very soul to them. My devotion was given to one woman, and there it will remain.
At this point, you’re probably wondering where the hell I’m going with all of this. I’m just trying to paint a picture of how it felt to be with her, to me. Don’t misinterpret this, please, it was not like we’ve never had bad times together. It’s not like we’ve never been mad at each other. Because, believe me, we have. Most of the time we were having trouble was because I was being a dumbass. Other times, we got in fights because one of us misunderstood the other or said something that ended up coming out completely wrong. This is the main reason why I hate expressing myself with a spoken word. If I could express myself with a thought or an emotion, it would be much more effective. There always seems to be something lost in a spoken word when expressing deep bonds and emotions. But then again, if I could express myself with a thought or emotion, you wouldn’t be sitting there reading this, would you?
On with the show… I came to the conclusion that it was her that I truly wanted to be with. She had thus far given me so much freedom in terms of our relationship. She knew where I stood on freedoms and she let me have them. I loved that about her, it was one of the many things that just drew me to her unlike I’ve been drawn to any other women. That’s why I was able to pledge my devotion to her. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. You know, be there talking to her when you suddenly express to them that you’re willing to give up the freedoms of being single, the freedoms still granted by having a girlfriend, etc… you’re making a promise to be with that person for years to come, decades… half-centuries as the case very hopefully will end up being (I’d say centuries, but let’s be realistic). However, even after I’d professed this true love and this deep passion… this commitment to her… I wasn’t frightened anymore. In fact, it made me feel great that she understood it was her that I was willing to devote my life to. To put this in perspective, my devotion for this woman is such that I would more than willingly sacrifice my life if it meant she could be happy. Would I do anything for this woman? Well yes (to an extent). I wouldn’t rob any banks or assassinate any members of a high government branch (just low ones). What I would do, however, is defend her to the death if I thought she was being wronged, I would stay by her side night and day if she were in a coma, and I would be her nurse (I’d even wear that nurse outfit) if she were sick. Like I said, I gave her my word, and to me that’s more than my bond, that’s my very honor.
So now that I’ve put this in to a bit of perspective for you, when I tell you that her breaking up with me hurts me… you can understand that. “Obviously it’s going to hurt” you might say to yourself but now you have some understanding of how very deeply this hurts me. It shakes me to the core of who I am because I staked my honor in devoting myself to her.
Love… is such a strange concept. We, as humans, use that word far to widely in my opinion. Take, for example, “I LOVE that song!” The usage of the word here simply means that this person has a very strong affinity for that specific song. People say that they love each other but in certain ways (i.e. I love you like a friend, not a lover). This would be incredibly deceiving and confusing to someone who was not of this world. I can understand what that means because I have lived here all my life. I have friends that I love as friends but have no romantic interest in. I say that I love them because I would be deeply hurt if any of them came to harm. Also, I say that because they have deeply affected me in their lives and I feel honored in having known them. I see all around me people using the word love like it’s something very simple… like it comes easy to say. For me, it’s never been something I could just say and not mean it. It’s a very deep thing with me (as a lot of things are you might be gathering at this point). I’m not one of those people who simply say they love something. I’m very serious when I use the word. My love for this woman knows no bounds. When I say that, you can believe it. To understand it, I’d like to share a theory of mine… a belief, if you will.
I’ve never been a religious person. The idea of secular religion never sat well in my mind because I believe that a person standing up there telling me how I should be living my life isn’t what the All-mighty had in mind when he created this Universe. In fact, I believe that religion and worship are two of the most subjective and personal things that ever existed in the world. There were people (Jesus) that we should model our lives after, yes. However, I don’t think that means we have to worship in groups, sing, pray regularly, eat bread, etc. I have issues with all the institutional aspects of religion. I choose to be agnostic. This means that I understand we, as mortals, will never know what the “true” religion is. I also understand that as a mortal we will never be able to speak to God directly. I believe that there is a creator of this universe and I believe that there is a place beyond this world that souls belong. I believe that humans have souls and that’s what makes this world so interesting. Each person has something unique to that person. That is why I say I am incredibly spiritual but not religious. I understand the value of simple life and the value of all living creatures… but I choose to worship and adore God in my own we. The Creator and I have an understanding that I am very comfortable with. I also believe that the universe is balanced by something. Everything in nature has a balance and that leads me to believe that everything in the spiritual world must balance. I believe in a cyclic journey of souls. In short, I believe that humans are influenced by past lives in how they act, and what they appreciate. The Universe undergoes a repetition of its lifespan, big bang to big bang. In this same way I believe our lives have a circular path. We as bodies die, and I believe our spirits go on to continue the circle of life by incarnating another body. My sense of honor I believe is derived from a past life. Simultaneously, I believe that my artistic talent, my appreciation for simple and beautiful things, is derived from a past life or past lives. Given my affinity for the Japanese culture, and given my love of the Samurai sword, I believe that at some point I was either a Samurai or a warrior swordsman. I hope that I was virtuous then as I try to be virtuous now… but I obviously won’t know. I believe that I faced death regularly and did so unflinchingly. This, I believe, gives rise to my appreciation of beauty in all things and the respect for life. Beauty to me isn’t something gender, human, animal, tangible specific. For example, we say that a person has a beautiful face, or that is a beautiful dog, or that is a beautiful flower. However, we also say that someone has a beautiful personality or that a sunset is beautiful (these are both intangible). In this same respect I understand the sheer beauty of the relationship I had. Our spirits combined together was the most beautiful thing I have ever felt and I feel nearly lost without that connection. Referring back to the balancing and cyclic life spans… I believe that our spiritual lives must also balance inevitably. To me, the woman I loved completed my life’s circle. I made mention of a complete life before… and this is where I elaborate on that. The woman I was with felt like she completed the circle of my spiritual health and life. Being with her was the most amazing thing that I’ve ever experienced. I believe that my spirit has connected with hers in some past lifetime. Together, we are greater than the sums of our parts. To be with her was truly a thing of beauty. With her, I understood what love truly was… I felt what love truly was. Having met her, I am deeply moved. I didn’t know this at the time, but now I understand that it is with her spirit that I must live my life. Without it, I feel that my life circle will never complete. Perhaps the circle will be a complete circle, but the case of that circle would forever remain chipped and marred. This is what I mean when I say that with her my life felt completed.
On to her half of this story… After reading all I’ve just written, you may be ready to strangle her for leaving me… but just hear this out before you do something that brash. She is a young woman going to college for the first time in her life. She has now been introduced to all sorts of wonderful freedoms in which she can do, pretty much, whatever she wants. That includes things like drinking… and dating other men. Has she dated other men? Not that I know of (at the time of writing this). However, I am aware of one instance where she kissed another man and felt nothing for him. She told me that she wished it was me and that she knew it wasn’t right. I believe she told me that she didn’t want that to ever happen again with this boy but I’m not completely certain on that one. In fact, I’m not certain with too much here. Anyway, so she’s got all of these freedoms, right. She’s in college and she wants to fully enjoy her independence from her parents… and from me. She came to college not expecting all the fun she would have and all the friends she would make. That’s why I never saw this coming and that’s why she never saw this coming. I believe some of her reasons for doing what she did involve her desire to make sure it’s me that she would like to be with just as I wanted to make sure it was her that I wanted to be with. If that’s the case, I can more than definitely respect that. However, that doesn’t mean I have to feel good about her breaking up with me. Besides, this just doesn’t have the same feel as when I asked for time apart. This feels like it’s much more of a gamble to me… and I don’t like that (mainly because I have a deep, passionate love for this woman). Most important decisions in life involve some sort of gamble, I understand this. That doesn’t mean I have to like that gamble.
My brother has a different theory on why she did what she did. His first rule: Women aged 18-20 are all clinically insane. He made it quite clear to me that he believes they don’t know what the hell they want. I spoke to my female housemate and she fully agrees with that conclusion, “Hell, I don’t know what I want ever.” If you knew my housemate you’d understand that she most definitely is NOT a typical woman. My oldest brother has a theory that women in this age range have a desire to “experience life, and that means options.” What I gather from this is that he means they see they’re in college and they realize they’ll be here only once, and must go out and have as much fun as possible. I’m told that for a girl, college is quite a big deal. They all want the same thing, my brother told me, and they think they are each unique and special. Women at this age feel a need to make some discernible actions in life… actions that usually mean hurting others in order to “make a change.” At this point I’m paraphrasing so if you’re upset, take it up with him. These “discernible actions” that he spoke of are merely a reaction to a combination of new freedoms (freedom from parents, for example), an unconscious desire to be responsible, and a need to start their own social lives independent from their parents. I believe that a lot of what he says here is true to an extent. I believe that women really don’t know what they want at this age. Also, they feel a desire to experience everything. I can respect that with the woman I was involved with because I understand there were certain things I disapproved of that I’m sure she wanted to try (i.e. drinking). I remember her saying that she wanted to be free and not tied down no matter how much I wasn’t actually tying her down. This confused me greatly at first… but now I believe I understand what it meant. I can live with this. I understand how I may have been inadvertently tying her down. However, with her, I don’t believe it’s quite the same as what my oldest brother had told me. I agree that I think a large part of her decision came from what he told me. However, she is actually a very unique woman, that’s just one more reason why I feel so drawn to her. I’ve spoken to her since we broke up and it was only about a week after (a week and a few days, I believe) that she had sent me a few messages telling me things like she, “can’t stop thinking about me” and that she “misses me.” At first, it made me feel wonderful… since the entire time I was sad was because I thought she was able to break up with me without a second thought or care on the subject. However, knowing that she’s having a difficult time gives me some measure of peace on the inner pain battle front. Finding this out only a week after our breakup shows me that she is actually making an attempt to find herself and not just to party. It shows me that she cares deeply for me, and when I think about her kissing the other boy now… I don’t feel nearly as jealous or angry. At first, I felt compelled to drive to where she was, find this boy, and eviscerate him… but I knew that wouldn’t be the answer. Jealousy is something that I can control and deal with. When I think about that, however, I come to two conclusions: First, it makes me very happy that she’s trying this out. If she had feelings for this boy, I would rather she tried with him and found out he wasn’t right for her rather than wondering for the rest of her life. That’s a good thing, I know this. The other conclusion I draw from that experience is that it’s true she doesn’t know what she wants. When we first broke up, she made no mention of wanting to date other people and she definitely would have had it occurred to her. Overall, I think it’s very good that she’s discovering herself and figuring out the things she had doubts about and wondered about. However, just because I think it’s a good thing doesn’t prevent me from feeling jealous when I think about it. I frequently have blasts of intense emotions which will subside eventually… but still hurt nonetheless. So it makes sense to me why she left me. For her, it was an opportunity to find who she really is and where her heart truly lies. College is a growing experience and she never expected it to affect her this much. I see now that she wanted to break up with me because she wanted to make absolutely certain that I am the man for her. Unfortunately, understanding the situation doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. Like I said before, she is the woman I love more than anything in this world. I’ve told her that, and she knows how I feel about that. I understand that I had to do the same thing with her… but I came back to her so that should at least tell her a little bit about my choice. I sincerely hope she comes back to being my girlfriend, but I know it won’t be the same as it was. Hopefully, this will make our relationship stronger than before.
Knowing why this happened hasn’t helped me to any great extent in how sad I feel and how lonely I feel. I don’t know if I feel betrayed… but at some point I’m told I will feel that way and that I need to deal with that in order to be prepared to be her’s again. Initially I felt a sadness deeper than anything that had ever affected me to that point. When my grandfather died I was sad, believe me. However, I knew then that without him I would successfully go on to create and love a family of my own. I love my grandfather for having fallen in love with a woman and created a family of his own. Loving that family is the greatest compliment anyone could give to their creator. Ever since I was a senior in high school I knew that I wanted to have a family of my own. I saw the sacrifices that my parents made for my siblings and me, and it made me understand the deep love that a parent has for their child. That, to me, is the greatest compliment they could ever give their parents. In all reality, I would be lucky to be as successful as my parents in terms of being a parent and monetary success. To me, this woman I had been with for so long was the best chance for me to have a family like my parents. After having been with her for as long as I was, I learned a few things about her. I know what kind of a wife she will make after she’s willing to settle down and have a family. Having been with her, I know how capable of making decisions she is, and I know how loving to me she can be. She provided me with more love and more devotion than I’d ever experienced from a single woman. It’s easy for me to see this now that my own “wild” days are drawing to a close. As a mother, I understand that she would rival my own mother in how much she would care for her children. I have long sought to find a woman that would be as sensitive and caring as my own mother. Perhaps it’s some sort of oedipal complex showing through here, but I understand how much my mother loves her children. I would be so lucky to have a wife that is willing to do as much for her children as my mother was willing to do for my siblings and me. So the thought of never being able to be with her again… frightens me and makes me incredibly sad. I once described the sadness to my friend as “looking into a deep, endless abyss… no end in sight. While you’re looking down you feel a deep, cold wind blow up from its depths and penetrate your core. It’s so cold that it feels like your body never knew what warmth was like and will never know again.” There’s a large measure of hopelessness in that description and a large measure of depression. I felt hopeless initially, like I wouldn’t know what to do without her. I understand that logically this isn’t true. However, emotions rarely can be abided by logic. I remember the day after it happened (it was a Friday, right before a four day break from school) I felt more alone than ever before. I spoke to my mother on the phone about what had happened and she told me that I needed to try and move on, treat life one hour at a time and try to keep busy. However, I really didn’t have too much to keep me busy while here… no friends were here (they all left to go home for the break). I discovered that there was quite a bit of alcohol in the house with me. It was at this time that I had never ever felt such a pressure to turn to the bottle in and attempt to forget my sadness and how badly I hurt. Depression… well it should be obvious why I feel depressed given my feelings for this woman. The extent of my devotion for this woman was so great that making her happy became my goal. Her happiness was the key to my own happiness while in the relationship. I say this because whenever I made her happy, it made me feel incredible inside. Because of my love for this woman I was prepared to do whatever it took to make her happy. College… well, that’s not entirely for her but most of the reason I actually want to succeed in school was because I want to provide her with the life she dreams of. I’m aware that this is a flaw on my part and that I really shouldn’t need her to be happy. Over the time without her I’ve come to realize that so much of my happiness was derived from making her happy. I understand that one thing I need to discover is how to be happy on my own. If I got back together with her right now, at the time of writing this, I’m not sure that I would change anything about our relationship. I’ll talk about that later. There was also a large measure of confusion about her decision on this matter. Clearly it didn’t sit well with me that she would have done something like this. The worst part of it, however was that I never expected this to happen. She had always been the one who was ready to commit and she had always been willing to have a life with me. I thought about how well we worked together and I spoke to people about it. From nearly every person I spoke to they felt that we were wonderful for each other. Her own mother wanted me to know she was sorry that this happened because she knew how much I cared for her and she knew how well we worked together. Her cousin (my best friend) became incredibly upset with her for this decision. She has never had success with men, always choosing the ones that will treat her worst. This decision to leave me, in my best friend’s opinion was the worst one she’s ever made. I was told by his mother that he doesn’t want to speak to her ever again. That saddens me because she didn’t leave him. I don’t understand why he would never want to speak to her because to me, she is the most incredible person in the world. Evidently he never saw her like I did (which is probably a good thing). Her Aunt (my best friend’s mother) felt very sorry because of what happened. I’ve known her Aunt since I was not more than an infant. I consider her a mother to me. Her Aunt knows me incredibly well because she also played a role in raising me to the man I am now. A very unique perspective arises from her Aunt in that she knows her very well and me very well. I was told by her Aunt that she thought we were great for each other. Also, her Aunt told me that she was confused because she thought that the whole reason she went to school near me was because she wanted to see me regularly. I don’t have an answer to that one but I know it confuses me, also. I had waited two and a half years to be able to see this woman regularly and now that I can she leaves me. This never sat well with me and gave rise to a deep confusion and questioning of myself. My own father expressed to me that what happened is not a measure of my character, but it is only a display of how much she’s been changed by college. I’m told by other friends that he’s right about this and that as a person I haven’t changed any… but that didn’t stop me from missing her an unbearable amount.
On my journey to find a way to cope with what happened I’ve spoken to several people about what happened asking for advice… looking for some bit of information that might give me strength. I obviously spoke to my brother about this… and another very good friend of mine (who happens to be female). My female friend has been very helpful in providing opinions and help when I need them. I’ve learned to understand some things because of what my Female Friend has been telling me and because I’ve had time to think about some things. Is it difficult to find a reason to keep going? What the hell do you think? I’ve spoken to my Female Friend about everything that I feel and she’s always the first person to receive any new information on my thoughts or developments. Over the time I’ve spent away from this woman I’ve begun to realize a few things. On one hand, we had a very healthy relationship. We loved each other, and we provided strength for the other. To some degree I think I was dependent on her. It sounds strange given that I want her to be happy at all costs, but I think because I devoted myself to her that much my goal in life began to revolve around her. In reality, my goal should be to succeed in college not to provide her with the dream life she wants but rather to provide myself and my family with my perception of the dream life. I regarded her as my family at the time so I was perfectly fine in giving her everything. Even now, I miss her very deeply and I regard her as very close to my heart. My devotion to her and my desire to make her happy at all costs conflicted with my internal self in that I forgot how to be happy without her. At time of writing this, I find it very difficult to be happy without her. It’s easy to be happy when I’m out with friends and doing things because it keeps my mind occupied. However, when I’m home alone… at night… I find that I get unbearably sad and unhappy. It’s at these moments that I can really feel her absence. The pain of not having her presence near mine in body or in soul feels similar to a knife buried in my chest that slowly turns on an axis along the handle. I’ve made progress since we first broke up. At first I was sad all the time, and I cried myself to sleep every night. I had a perpetual feeling of nausea when I would think about what had happened. Since I thought about it all the time, I always felt that nausea; it was not a pleasant experience. However, those feelings were wrought from my belief that she never thought about me and that she was perfectly fine without me. It tore me up inside to think that she was happier without me than with me. When I found out that this wasn’t the case, it gave me relief. After I found that out it helped me to look past the sadness and the nausea. After that I could look elsewhere to what I needed to work on. I understand now that I need to discover how to be happy again, for myself. I don’t really like the taste of that idea in my mouth because it seems selfish… but it’s something I have to do for my own mental stability. If we got back together as I am now, it wouldn’t be good because I wouldn’t be strong enough to be myself. When I can learn to be happy on my own all the time then I’ll be more ready to get back together with her. I have very strong hopes that I will get back together with her because she made me feel incredible, and I feel that with her my life can be completed. My complete life is something that my Female Friend never approved of me saying. She felt that I was saying that part of me is missing without her. At first, I told her that it felt like I was empty inside and that without her feels like I’m missing the most important part of myself. Since then I’ve learned a bit more about that. It’s not that I feel like part of me is missing, I just feel that part of my life will never be fulfilled. I’m aware now that I can be the same person I was before this happened. My Female Friend told me that I’m “just as amazing now” as I was. It’s difficult for me to see that right now because I was dependent on her in a way I shouldn’t have been. Having written that now, I can see that I’m capable of moving past this and growing to be able to be self-sufficient. I feel that, at the time of writing this, I’m mostly where I need to be. I’m mostly where I need to be in terms of finding out how to be happy on my own. However, I don’t feel I’m ready to deal with the idea that it might never be. Right now, I have hope… if I don’t have that hope I don’t know what will happen. It pains me to think that she won’t be a part of my life. That’s another thing I have to deal with. In order to be fully healed from this ordeal I have to be ready to accept the fact that it may never be. If it never will be, I believe that I could never love a woman like I love this one ever again. I feel that I’ve connected with her deeper than I’ve ever connected with any other women. I gave her my word and my devotion so to be with any other women in a sexual sense would dishonor her and dishonor me. From what I spoke about before, it should not be confusing how I feel about honor. In addition to being able to deal with that fact, I have to understand that if we get back together it will not be the same and she will not be the same. That’s probably the easies thing to deal with of the list. I understand that she’s changing and that she’s unsure who she is anymore. It’s not a problem for me to adapt to her if she has a few different traits. What’s going to be difficult for me, what is difficult for me is trying to find out how to be happy on my own and being ready to have a different relationship. In thinking about it I’ve come to the conclusion that if we get back together I’m going to have to take it very slow. I think it will become very difficult if I show affection using physical means any time before a few months into seeing her again. I’ve also realized that I’m going to have to start completely from scratch in order to try and make this work to the extent that I want it to. I’m going to have to begin by dating her. When I say I’m going to take it slow, I’m saying that I won’t ask her to be exclusive to me for quite some time into dating her again. Again, I’m going to have to be used to the idea that it may never happen. Planning like that isn’t healthy for me. I need to heal properly and that doesn’t include me planning for a future that has her in it. I need to prepare myself for the possibility that she’ll never come back to me. At the moment, it appears she’s figured out a few things about our former relationship that make me believe I have better chances than just 50/50 of her coming back to me. Does that make me happy? Of course it does. However, at the same time it makes me leery. In knowing that she’s progressed this much already it makes me worried that I won’t be ready for her if she decides she wants to be with me again.
I still have my doubts. There is a logic part of my brain that operates with the scientist in me. This part of my brain is the practical one, the one that tells me that I need to be realistic about a lot of things. It may seem to me that she’s progressed very far. She kissed another guy and couldn’t think of any thing but me and how much he didn’t compare to me. That’s good news… or is it. She did this with just over a week after leaving me. Some people will tell you that’s way too soon to think any thing else. I tend to agree with them. I’m told that, for a girl, she’ll have that feeling forever if she’s to be certain I’m the right one. By this I mean that six months down the road if she’s not back together with me and she kisses a guy she’ll still feel strange doing it. I find that very difficult to deal with because I know that after sufficient time you forget just about anything. However, my Female Friend is confident that even then she’ll think about me all the time if I’m to be the man for her. I can understand where my Female Friend is coming from with this idea, however. I’d taken a break from this woman for months at a time in an effort to discover if it could ever work with another woman. I discovered that other women were not for me and it took me a few months to realize it. I had a lot of time in college away from her to discover this and I believe I have. I mentioned this before that I knew I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. However, now I realize how truly unprepared I was. In some ways I’m very glad that we are broken up now because I see how I was too dependent on her in my own happiness. It’s going to be difficult to get past that but I’m confident I can. I also see now, more than ever, that it really is her that I want to be with. After having time spent away from her I’m more than ready to commit to her because I understand how well our souls connect. Not only that, now have I truly appreciated what I found so amazing about her. She truly is an amazing woman. This absence from her makes me understand how truly important to me she is. I’ve never longed to be with a person as much as I long to be with her. There were times when I was with her and wanted to talk to her… felt like I needed to be with her because I felt so lonely and I missed her so… but nothing that ever felt like this. Now I worry that it could never be with her. This worry makes me realize that I may have taken her love for granted. Going along with my doubts, I’m trying to deal with the idea that I may never be with this woman. That idea kills me inside and I feel depressed, lonely, and infinitely sad. Fearing that I may never have her again I understand how important to me she was. I want more than anything to be able to tell her that I love her and that I would love to give her a hug and a kiss… however, I know that cannot be so. If I did that, I would only distance her from me more. Right now, I would love to have any affection she is willing to give me whether as friends or lovers. I find myself sitting in my room on my computer just hoping that she’ll talk to me. I really shouldn’t do that, I know… but at this moment I can’t help but hope that she’ll just start talking to me. Every so often, she actually does. I don’t feel I’m in a place to initiate conversation because I feel I may get too emotion and needed when I know she’s not interested in thinking about those emotions and feelings right now. My theory on that is that when she thinks about them she feels sad and confused. Since those are not things she wants to feel, she’s going to try to not think about it. However, having been with her for over two years and knowing that she still loves me, I know deep inside me that she continues to think about these things. I’m told from some of my female friends that they went through the same thing. There was a period where they just didn’t want to think about it and tried to tell themselves that they wouldn’t. However, I know that isn’t the case and I know she still will.
I suppose that after 13 pages I could conclude this little thing here… but I really don’t know yet because I haven’t gone through everything and figured this stuff out. I’m afraid that if I continue I’ll become overly redundant (if I haven’t already). So that’s why I’m interested in concluding here. Basically what happened is that this woman felt she needed to have freedom and experience all these new things. Unfortunately for me, that means that I cannot be with her. I think she’s not ready to commit to a very serious relationship at this point of her life and she knows that I love her so much that I’m ready to devote my life and my love to her forever. The reason I believe this is I look upon her and see my dream girl. This is the type of woman that I have always dreamed about being involved with. She is loving, caring, beautiful, and has a stunning spirit. I was willing to share things with her that I wasn’t willing to share with any previous girlfriends. When I made love to her, it was truly that… and act of love. I forsook my own morals so that I could give her a display of my affection and my trust for her. I want her to know that I am more than willing to create new life with her and that I’m ready to give her every inch of my heart. If she ever reads this I hope it will be on happy terms for the both of us. I have very high hopes that we will get back together within time. I know I shouldn’t but I find that it’s impossible to prevent. I know that only one woman has my heart and I’m confident that only one woman ever will. It may seem common for a person to say that given how serious my relationship with this woman was, but when I think about it I have a definite permanent feeling deep down in my core. When I think about it, I feel like it will be a forever thing. This is what convinces me that no other women will ever suit me or will ever match up to her in my eyes. In the end, I love this woman very passionately and very deeply. I understand this is not necessarily an ending… but rather it could be a very beautiful beginning. I asked God once to help me with finding strength to continue living my life as I had before… I don’t know if he answered or if my grandfather answered… but I do know that deep inside me I heard a voice that told me the only place I can find the strength I need is within myself.

__________________
Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

PredeconInferno

If any of you have any adivce... anything that can console me... please let me know.
Today is the 43rd day... I miss this woman very much, but I cannot tell her for fear that she'll think I'm being clingy.

Please don't tell me to just "move on" or to just "get over it" because I cannot and will not. What I can do, however, is proceed with my life and I have been.

I have felts so horrible now for these few months... I search for hope... yet I don't know if there is any. Somone please help me with this.

__________________
Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

heather99

Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't read to the end of your post. I hope things get better. I did get a little confused over which woman was which. I did notice that one lady changed her phone number but didn't tell you. Not a good sign, however many bad experiences. Would you be able to give a briefer version of what happened?

Frenchie

First thing that I probably didn't get across was that one big downfall was that one time over this past summer when you were living in the dorms. And you knocked me down, remember that? You shoved me, and twisted my wrist to leave a mark... remember and after that you felt we started making up all you could be happy with is if I gave you head? Do you remember that? That's all you wanted, and usually ever wanted... but not until that night was I entierly disapointed with that fact.

On to what your brother had to say... I will bring it up here because if you posted something about it that probably means that you believe it (and yes I read it)
I left everything familiar to me to start a new life... thinking I could hold on to you, but realizing I can't or couldn't. So I dropped the one thing that was holding me back from finding out where I really wanted my life to be. I wanted my life to be mine, and I knew that I couldn't share it with someone who wasn't connected to me in all the important ways. We had different views on a lot of things that I compromised with to be with you... but what I compromised would never be able to stick, I needed to be alone or someone on the same level that knew what love was... that had been through things that I have been through, and many other things. We had a good relationship... we got along on many occasions, but you made me feel stupid. Yea, that's right, you underminded everything I would say because my grammar wasn't as perfect as yours, but I would state something and you would be like, you're so stupid for saying that, so I would have to drop my guard and forgive it for your sake... I dropped my guard so much for you, and I shouldn't have. I was not happy in NJ, with my friends or my relationships, and that was obvious... but what was not obvious to me what that I was making myself unhappy to keep you happy. I stopped hanging out with people and other stuff of that nature just so we could compromise on things... I did most of the compromising, and that wasn't changing... I did everything I did for you, and not so much for me (Wrong idea)

I'm really sorry that my cousin thinks you're the best thing in the world, if he still does then he should marry you. Because he hears your side... "Oh Lorel broke up with me, and she's a crazy f*in biotch, no reason at all just to get drunk and hook up with guys."
And let me tell you, if you told people that than that's just bull. Because I can tell you honestly that I probably drank 6 times since I have been out here, wow only six, or omg that's way too many. It's fun to go out with people that I like, can have friendships with and trust, not fear that they think I'm stupid, or get jealous that I'm grinding with someone that's not my boyfriend. I know for a fact that you probably wouldn't have been able to deal with that, and I really don't care. It's my life, I am living it for myself, and not to make you happy, which it ending up being... calling my mom on the phone and describing our first kiss, WTF never do that to another girl ever again.

So to finish up... I did not go and get with all the guys I could. I had a good time being single, and an ever better time finding myself, and my love that I honestly feel for one man. So whether or not you wanted to hear it, it's in what I write and feel. I just only hope that you can get over this break, since it's alread nearly 6 months later (maybe you're alread over it, great)
But seriously ignorance at least used to be with you... that's why you didn't and still don't really know why I broke it off... so with your next girlfriend you should understand that you need to understand her and give in a little bit, OMG she used the wrong word in the wrong context... I mean incorrect word. All I have to say is good luck, because at least you used to need it.