Some of my poems... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Irishsean · 10-17-2004, 12:03 AM

I will post more if anyone likes them...

Release

The shadows of memories,
thought long forgotten,
nightmares and fantasies,
precious and rotten.

They drift and they tumble,
and dance through my head,
as tossing and turning,
I lay here in bed.

The night last forever,
the darkness oppressive,
body twitching and turning,
my mind far from restive.

A bright flash of pain,
my terror does fade,
the pain has been dulling,
since wrist met the blade.

maleficent · 10-20-2004, 07:59 PM

It's depressing... but it's good (and I like poems that rhyme -- I'm a simple gal)

amonkie · 10-21-2004, 10:43 AM

"The shadows of memories" is such a strong image - you know what's there but not enough to get a clear picture.... it really reads your state of mind. Thanks for sharing, I'd love to see more

sparkly · 10-21-2004, 10:43 AM

I like it... but i wonder if changing the phrase "a bright flash of pain" to be something a little longer would flow better? All the first lines in each stanza are all 6 and 7 syllables and that one is only 5.... maybe "as pain flashes brightly"? Or something like that.

Irishsean · 10-21-2004, 10:45 AM

Hmmm, good idea sparkly, something had been bothering me about that last part...

sparkly · 10-21-2004, 10:59 AM

'welcome. If you make any changes, post the revisions, I'd love to see

10-17-2004, 12:03 AM	#1 (permalink)
Irishsean edited for content Location: Austin, TX	One of my poems... I will post more if anyone likes them... Release The shadows of memories, thought long forgotten, nightmares and fantasies, precious and rotten. They drift and they tumble, and dance through my head, as tossing and turning, I lay here in bed. The night last forever, the darkness oppressive, body twitching and turning, my mind far from restive. A bright flash of pain, my terror does fade, the pain has been dulling, since wrist met the blade. __________________ There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances. Leon Trotsky Last edited by Irishsean; 10-17-2004 at 06:25 AM..

10-20-2004, 07:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	It's depressing... but it's good (and I like poems that rhyme -- I'm a simple gal) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

10-21-2004, 10:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	"The shadows of memories" is such a strong image - you know what's there but not enough to get a clear picture.... it really reads your state of mind. Thanks for sharing, I'd love to see more __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

10-21-2004, 10:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
Irishsean edited for content Location: Austin, TX	Hmmm, good idea sparkly, something had been bothering me about that last part... __________________ There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances. Leon Trotsky

10-21-2004, 10:43 AM	#4 (permalink)
sparkly Upright Location: Washington, DC Metro Area	I like it... but i wonder if changing the phrase "a bright flash of pain" to be something a little longer would flow better? All the first lines in each stanza are all 6 and 7 syllables and that one is only 5.... maybe "as pain flashes brightly"? Or something like that.

10-21-2004, 10:59 AM	#6 (permalink)
sparkly Upright Location: Washington, DC Metro Area	'welcome. If you make any changes, post the revisions, I'd love to see