Lassus

Sun of my mind



a slow decent into utter maddness
and a rise to the horror
I look upon my future with saddness
for tis a black day on that morrow

every breath it rises higher
consumeing that which I have fought to be
slowly sinking into a ink filled mire
in myself it is utter darkness i see

so on edge so lost
filled with dread of myself
worrying my breaking will have great cost
my deamon is comeing off the shelf

do I hate myself? no
but I abhore what I might become
the sun of my mind sinks low
so run



Sean Caldwell

June 6, 2004 12:15 AM

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Beauty can be found in the darkest day and on the darkest hour and even in the darkest mind

Mavric98

Sweet. That was awesome.

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"Hope is for people that don't stand a chance."

tecoyah

Agreed....well done

"my Demon is coming off the shelf"

Loved this line

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

CoachAlan

You might want use the edit button to correct the spelling of: decent, maddness, saddness, consumeing, deamon, and comeing.
The correct spellings are: descent, madness, sadness, consuming, demon, and coming.

I obviously can figure out what you mean, but having to interpret and figure out your spelling takes away from the proper and intended rhythm of the poem. Especially on words like "decent," which are the correct spelling of an entirely different word.

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"If I cannot smoke cigars in heaven, I shall not go!"
- Mark Twain

Lassus

lol I write my poems out of obssion. Being compelled at any given moment to scrawl a poem on a peice of paper, on a napkin or on my arm isnt something thats really enjoyable. So takeing time to correct spelling isnt something I have ever considered nor will I. People will either get what im trying to say or not either way the rambleings I create are just that rambleings.

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Beauty can be found in the darkest day and on the darkest hour and even in the darkest mind

tecoyah

Constructive criticism is meant to be just that......constructive.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

CoachAlan

I trust you mean that my criticism was constructive. The advice would be sound for most poets. Editing takes virtually no time, and in a medium where every word is vital, and the rhythm of those words is equally vital, a small correction can go a long way.

Consider if Kilmer had left the last line of "Trees" with a typo like "Poems are made by fools like me, / But only Good can make a tree." A small error changes the meaning in a big way.

That's not to say that it did in yours, Lassus. I'm just saying that it's worth considering.

__________________
"If I cannot smoke cigars in heaven, I shall not go!"
- Mark Twain

Lassus

I know an i didnt mean to sound abrupt but most days my poetry bothers me lol i will think on tweaking my poems if i post many more here thank you for the kind comments an the critizim

__________________
Beauty can be found in the darkest day and on the darkest hour and even in the darkest mind

tecoyah

Indeed....that was my intent

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha