WhoaitsZ

I swore off doing a "Z's poetry thread" and those "Ask Z"....... it seemed silly

so now i'm posting a lot and figured i'd post them all here.. make the site a lot cleaner. soooooooooooooo this is where i shall post my drivel. comments not only appreciated, comments wanted.

now remember. i am no poet in any fundy way, i write what i write when i write if i write how i want.

so anyhow. let's do this.

here is something i did on an old BBS in 2k. i have cross posted some from here so now i'll do the reverse. here goes


long ago god sent his seed to earth
deep inside mom's womb I came forth
pissed off, then smiling, then blue
how I lived with the attacks god only knew

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god never cares to tell you of your doom

at age 9 I got around
but a decision I did make
50-50 chance to live
I lived.

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god didn't see the need to speak of doom

at 12 I freaked and had pneumonia
I got so sick I almost went in a coma
I really never understood how you could only be awake one hour a week
but I made it

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god decided to ignore my doom


around fourteen I lost a nephew to SIDs
got my heart broken and a grandfather dead
to this day I don't know how it felt
too numb

god sent his to seed to my mother's womb
god held his breath, mentioning not my doom

16 years old
was doing well
had a job and part of my heart back
then off to trachville

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god sighed and shushed me, speaking not of my doom

22 years old
a few material possessions and a name
I am seeing the light
I want that flame

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god didn't even know if I was doomed

god looked down
saw a family of four
but my parents wanted one more
so god sent me to be adored

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god just kinda smiled and said ‘day by day, son, you'll get there soon”

9 years old I met my best friend
god held my hand too
50-50 chance to live
I did

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god said no one should know his doom

at 12 I almost died
but the whole time the supernatural by my side
my parents and best friend there too
I didn't let the demons claim my doom

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god blinked and never mentioned doom

at 14 I lost a lot
but it opened my eyes
reality hit me
I learned to fight

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god whispered to us that maybe there is no doom

age 16 I beat every odd possible
and got through hell
I listened to the pumpkins
got my head going
met Lacinda
and learned who my friends were

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god wanted me to shut up, bent on my doom

now I see
after years and years
if you dwell on a movie's credits to hurry up, you miss the big picture
if you watch your die or chips you loose the joy of the gamble
if you wait for the last breath you miss the millions that mattered

god sent his seed to my mother's womb
god then told me to live and to hell with doom

-Lynn (aka Z) Matheny 9-28-00


more to come later.

TanteMegs

Makes you think about whatever you have been through in a whole new perspective. You've done a really good job on this poem. I enjoyed it very much.

Megs

J.R.V.A.

Nice..
Thanks

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

WhoaitsZ

i say i write what i feel. no regrets
in honor of my own self i post this:

I am so angry
I am way too tired to shout
To tired to destroy

I am depressed
I can’t break it and its cutting me
My mind shredded

I am sad
There is no real justice
Nobody is held accountable

I am tired
And I am sick
I simply fucking exist

I am hiding
Hoping to not be found besides my words


I am a fighter
I have proven enough
I’ve put down enough issues

I am a man
Hoping to see my theories of justice and love work
I, as a man, know it will not be so

I am ashamed
My fellow humans oftentimes make me embarresed to be human
It hurts me to see people hold someone else back

TIO

I like that bit...

Nice work, Z!

WhoaitsZ

[b]Note: I sign my name two ways when I type. –Z if it is a normal or philosophil post and –Lynn when I am in a passionate, real mood.

And yes my name IS Lynn and I am a dude!

Hmm. What is exactly is love? I know it is a clichéd, beat down into the dirt, rhetoric question since man’s crush on a woman or vice versa. (unless you’re a sheep fucker….. anyway)

To me love is many, many things.

So. Let me explain my love in general, then the deeper.

To me, love is:

A baby parrot or puppy walking over to you and cuddles up silently saying ‘daddy!’.

Love is when my nephew pissed me the fuck off, and then smiled at me. He is autistic-savant, Rain Man style and its like god told me “He doesn’t understand.’ And I felt so shamed. He gave me a beautiful pure innocent smile as if to say ‘I dunno what your problem is but I love you.’

Love is the guy who goes out of his way to help strangers because he can.

Love is somehow gentle, sharp, cruel, and cold. True love can hurt because you may be making a dreadful err and someone loves you so much they risk your wrath to open your eyes.

Love is everywhere… we’ve let go way too much. It depresses me.

……

now. Love as in boy and girl (or whatever your lifestyle deems) is when your soul connects. You know love when you’ve been single for decades and frown at the empty bed, leaving you hollow; your mind lingers on ‘her’.

You know love when your soul mate’s music makes you wish a plane would crash if only to knock out the noise a few hours but you tolerate it and are not bitter.

Love is what I seek and pray to never abuse. But it is worth the wait.

… yes. I think that sums up what love is to me on a very simple bases.

-lynn

WhoaitsZ

J.R.V.A.

Love....

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

h2ogo69

why do i get the feeling u and me would really get along

SaltPork

good thoughts Z, helps to get this stuff out.

__________________
It was like that when I got here....I swear.

GakFace

Am I missing something, cause you sure seem to be quite the poet to me... and it flows.. so uh

"whatchu talkin' about Willis?"

__________________
RoboBlaster:
Welcome to the club! Not that I'm in the club. And there really isn'a a club in the first place. But if there was a club and if I was in it, I would definitely welcome you to it.

WhoaitsZ

laugh. i just don't really believe myself to be a good poet/ that's all.

WhoaitsZ

------------------- not happy

GodDAMN how did I manage to give people advice when needed, how did I assure them that they are good to go, they just need a friend, they really shouldn’t hang out with or love losers when I fucking do?!

Spinning. Tisting, turned up, over, upside down, backwards and inside out.

Why am I so fucking stupid?

Some poisons just can’t be resisted! But if im this stupid I hope I choke. I’m so tired of this going nowhere love interest and their infernal ‘I’m depressed so hey! I’m back’

Know what? FUCK YOU!
YOU DESERVE TO BE SAD! YOU – ARE – A – FUCKING – LOSER! You suck, bitch

And know what?

I still fucking love your ignorant self destructive ass.


- Lynn

WhoaitsZ

i have the strangest feeling i was pissed last night....

WhoaitsZ

a chant.

I lay me down in hopes of rest
And make myself believe I’m blessed
I close my eyes for a moment to reflect
All of the blessings I’ve come to neglect
I see now that what I do is just right
I open my eyes in hope see the light
Strive so hard to what’s right
But sometimes life drains my might
But I remember to keep myself in check
Try to remember what I shouldreject

I am not painting a false picture
Or pretending to be having an eye awaking moment.
Its just that I’m focusing, focusing focusing on the the positive

Hmmmmm….

WhoaitsZ

i couldn't think of any certain thing at the moment to describe how i felt and this rolled through my head straight to the fingers, making me feel like a possessed man with an idea.

enjoy: i did

if i ruled the world
everyone would feel this
if i ruled the world
i'd break all of the rules

now go out and play
and don’t hurt anything
just enjoy the ride, baby doll
take off and feel free

if I ruled the world
I’ve hope people would feel this
Cuz if I ruled the world
The rules would not exist

So enjoy the sun or the shade
Get inside or out
Play together peacefully
And know without doubt.. that

If I ruled the world
I could feel what you feel to keep my hand in check
For after I broke those rules
I need to remember why they were shattered

Now go play
And don’t hurt anything
Just be free and play all day
While I sweep and wash these rules away

SaltPork

That's very Shel Silverstein -ish Z. Very nice and thought-provoking

__________________
It was like that when I got here....I swear.

WhoaitsZ

Another moment of lust and desire…. And not totally invisible this time.

warning some friends may feel queasy if they readt his




To see
To hear
To wait

Sometimes patience flees me
This ache and throb between the legs grows almost impossible
But I must wait

To see
To hear
To wait

If the day ever comes
When two friends become lovers
The wait will be worth it

To see
To hear
To wait

The agony of now must pay off
And the desire to cover you will not likely disappoint
I’ve never walked but I intend to show you how to dance, baby
To see
To hear
To wait

I don’t mean to be obscene
Or to pretend to be Don Juan
I am just a man – a disabled man – but a man on fire

To see
To hear
To wait

So I can taste your salts and oils
To hold in my mouth the first thing a new babe needs
To gently, yet surely explore the tunnels

To see
To hear
To wait

If fate plays the cards that way
If you end up in my arms
Then finally heaven I shall know since an angel will be present
To see
To hear
To wait

I want to reach bliss so high we need hours to recover and talk and love before another round
No half way fucks or quickees
To inhale you, enter you in many ways
To no longer wait.

To see
To hear
To wait

To melt
To mold
To mate

I will be your man
And if fate’s cards hold true, my only girl
To no longer just hear and see and wait
But to merge, intertwine and mate. Oh God help me I ache.

I see you and hear you and wait…..

mml

To both Z and Lynn - you are a poet. I love the tenderness, the anger and the wisdom. I think someone else said it, but your stuff just flows, sometimes in a choppy manner, but it almost always works.

By the way, my son was born extremely premature with numerous complications and I hope that as he grows older he has the strength to handle the challenges he will face with the courage you appear to have. I am sure there have been dark times, but your spirit really seems to have carried you through. I hope you don't mind, but I copied the first poem to keep for him to read some day. Thank you very much

__________________
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams

WhoaitsZ

mind? naw. i'm fucking thrilled to have touched not only you but possibly encouraging another guy doomed to some real pain.

by all means. thanks for the words and i hope you and he have peace

make sure you bring him up with love - my parents did the best they could, nothing short of godlike ability with more love than i deserve. if not for that kindness i believe i would be outrageous cruel man.

take care.

WhoaitsZ

lately i've been in my own mental war and this flowed to my keyboard. not totally accurate, but it fits

Falling and falling
Plummeting at godly speeds
Hitting every single stake and snare

Hearing
Voiceless
Helpless and miserable

Falling deeply in a mental abyss
Screaming to loud to be heard
Not able to produce a single meaningful word

Why did it turn out this way
Where did it go wrong
Falling into a mental abyss far from a place I never belonged

Fallen so far my hate is gone
Now I see straight I know I had no home
Falling and falling, even here I don’t belong

The outsider, the loner
The wannabe goner
Not a faller

Falling and screaming kicking and bleed
The hooks have snared me and are slowing my fall
I doubt this abyss ends at all

Falling and fallin, how far have I fell?
Always the outsider, unwanted
Falling inside of my self made hell

J.R.V.A.

Great stuff. I like the way you put emotions to paper and make the reader feel... Yes, I agree you are a poet, even if you dont know it hehe. I really enjoyed To see To hear To wait

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

Double D

You have such a fountain of creativity, Lynn.
I'm so very impressed.
God-given talent rendered by the most human of men.

WhoaitsZ

No poetry. Just a few thoughts similar to journal, but I have been getting messages from people requesting more… heh… um. I’m trying!

The fiction died for awhile but is picking back up. I should hopefully post a few pages to the –take…- thread. It is my pride and joy, my baby of words. It’s a bit jarbled due to no editing but I think it is coharrent. That’s all I worry about until I am finished. I am pretty positive it’ll be no less than 100 pages um paperback size…. (guesstimating) but I have lots of ideas….. if I could keep focus more I’d be set.
I know I am most likely going to receive heartbreaking pain when my fiction is over and denied publication, but I love it. The bad news is…. Getting published in nigh impossible from what I’ve heard. The good news is.. I feel like I have the knack for the one story. And honestly I’ve read worse….. it will most likely be a novella, but who knows for sure? When I try to fill in the blanks it’ll add a lot of content and pages but it is what I look least forward to besides waiting for a publisher’s word.

I write for me. I am content. #1 goal is all good. But holy fuck I need $$$.

Ohh can someone give me a few heads up to inquire on… magazines or such that take short stories? There are so many that I get overwhelmed and I get anxious…

Later!

WhoaitsZ

lingering thoughts of supernatural beauty

To fall, to dive
The only way to know
Adrenaline pumpin
The heart stars thumpin
And I dive deep in

Blink my eyes so I get no haze
Like a demon headen to hell I flow through the maze
Dove down deep and still divin
This dreadful possibility of dyin proves I’m alive and
I dive deeper

Into a heart, past a soul
I dive deeper and remember to gain control
So complex, so surreal
Diving deeper is the only way to feel

So to fall, to dive
Going deep until I hit the bottom
I pray I get no concusion but if I do it won’t be the first

To dive is my way
Pierced straight through your soul
I see your heart and this diver is amazed

I never knew such beauty
Ever
In my whole life
I am smitten, smoted, slaped and chagrined
And I’ll enjoy this ride to the fuckin end.

MacGnG

Z's all like deep an shit. haha nice dude

WhoaitsZ

ummmmmmmmm

thanks?

i've always overthought and got too deep about anything. gift and curse.

or i'm totally silly.

or my other personalities take over

WhoaitsZ

... fury


i have tried thrice this night to say it right
nothing can quite flow right so here goes in simple terms

my life is too fast and I can’t slow down
I body aches and my mind breaks and I can’t get it out right anymore

For one moment I allow a time of woe is me and totally take down the persona Z

I am a man who just can’t tolerate this burden anymore
I’ve been told I’d not be given too much to bear

I fear they are liars, and I’m fucking pissed
I think you’ve tried to breake me too many times but I will not curse you and I still love you
But I hope your conscience wounds you deeper than the thickest nails. For I feel you deserve
How dare you make me broken and suffer to be alone?!

I never put you to a goddamned tree!
I never turned my back on thee!
I never spat or threw water in your face!
Yet I suffer and am the one disgraced.

I may have it wrong, Lord
I could be angry for wrong reasons. But if not you deserve a slap.

Your rules I’ve sorted
Your rules I believe
But I still never nailed you to that fucking tree!

Don’t further punish me
Don’t leave me on my own
Take responsibility and show the devotion even I’ve shown

I love you, Christ. No other gods, ever
Yet you wound me…. If there is no reason I hope the conscience cuts deeper than any spear
Cuz right now your amusing toy needs someone and she is not even close to being near.

-Lynn, highly pissed

WhoaitsZ

something on the fly and something i rarely do..... this is 100% pure freestyling. what images i saw in my head of a place i'd like to visit for rest are written below. a type of mental slide show... a shadowy world but enough light to see.

we can hope

Inspired by Disgaea: Hour of Darkness


Safety in beauty
In Darkness and in Light
Cover me is the prayer I bring to you

Hold me close
Please do not let me fall
Engulf me in your clouds of shadows

A little rest, a tad of respite
I walk through your hallways miles for miles
And I am in neutral territory and am cotent

Darkness above, Light below
Forgetting the rules of my earthly prison
Hold me longer in the embrace of state of simple conciousness
Between life and death

Rock me
Hold me
Warm me up

You garden died
And being reborn, I fear
I don’t want to leave the Twilight

But the Fates never asked
Dice have been cast
It is time to return to Hell, or earth…

Sadness envelopes me and I cry
Your garden now has moisture to once again bloom
Maybe Death will be swifter this time and I’ll see you soon

WhoaitsZ

i am having series of three different mind altering pains at once, a fatigue attack, my hip has me almost in tears and my depression has peaked.

once again i experiment on self. wrote my thoughts and this is what came out

Why am I so goddamned sad?

Over the hill and down he road
Walking and dying
Existing and denying

A road once walked where cowards strode
Knowing and guessing
Looking for truth is why they are questing

Once again, I ask: why am I so goddamned sad?

Paved this road with tears and scorn
Displaced and disowned
We continue to bleed and moan

Down this road too many have lost and mourned
Cracked with no healing
No new skin and what is left is peeling

I still do not know why I’m so goddamned sad.

WhoaitsZ

it has been awhile and at the moment i feel good and human... so i wrote this. nothing big and it's simple, but god is it true!

I lay again in bed, the darkness comforts me and holds me well.

The darkness has always been my friend ever since I conquered the fear of other entities that may roam.

I feel better at night, I relax, I calm, I get into my element. The geckos get active and fellow cyber denizens join me into conversations or I look around and feel a sacred moment that tells me ‘you are mostly unhappy, but you’re walking the correct path.”

So, since all ladies I care for are far away I take comfort in the pitch.

ARTelevision

You're on a roll here.
keep rolling on.
it's good for the soul and good for the mind's ear.

Thanks!

__________________
create evolution

meff

Your stuff rocks Z, keep em coming!

__________________
Toy-like people make me boy-like.

WhoaitsZ

the following brings me tears but i fell compelled....... my life in a nutshell. i will finish it tomorrow. i am currently exchausted.

I was born
Placed in a needy shell
And I was forced to grow way too fast

People always wonder:
‘Why is he so down?’
and I walk past
too bad pretending they don’t exist helps me none

So I had life and death decions to make by age nine.
These things plant seed of maturity and madness
Many time while my friends were out on a recess break at school
I was getting stitched pulled out while I sobbed from my nack to buttocks.

Yes, I was forced to grow up too fast.

The wounds of yesteryear still haunt me. The demons that are not spiritual
Forced me to grow up too fast

Right now as a type this I fight weeping
I am surprised I’m keeping it at bay
Right now my past hurts.
And I’ve not yet of the truly traumatic experience

My dad was in the Air Force
You always move from the ones you love
There is no way to find sheer stability

In ’92 we moved to Hattiesburg and I’ve been here since

One day I met someone at my church who was so different you could say she was an angel
I was a ver, very shy boy at age fourteen but I told myself to get ready because my mouth was going to produce speech if I was prepared or not.

We spoke and talked and made friends.
She commented on my not-so-dull ties. . . black and neon yellow or the Incredible Hulk
They made her smile. My insides got warm.

A few weeks later I had talked her into sitting with us (‘us’ being a few friends who lingered in the back pews)
Her mom managed to fuck that up, but that night I had her.

Her friends knew we were connecting and I just had this –not quite evil- smirk on my face.

She sat next to me and her friends sat by her.
We conversed a short while then church began.
To my mass amusement and her embarresment, her friends had lay a trap for her. As soon as church started, they stood up and hauled ass alllllllll the way to the front.
I laughed. She grinned and acted like she didn’t know why they left.
I read her like a book. . .
That night my hand had been placed on her heart and she kissed it while folk were praying.
We were perfect for each other.

I remember vividly walking with her and she stopped me and said she needed to go to her van.

We went and I reclined in my chair, enjoying life, stretching out.
She walked up to me with a small smile but very serious look.
‘I want to kiss you’ said she, and before I could even comment her tongue hand entered my own mouth.
Ecxstacy.

Not long after we were official and, if one of us were there, we were both found. Period.
But, like all things, there was odd and terrible things, too.

Her dad was an alcoholic and her mom was simply a bitch.
She raised four siblings.
Two were twins, one had bad leukemia.

We had some turbalence but it mostly worked out.
I recall vividly us getting into a big argument over the phone.
I finally hung up and dialed into USM’s modem so I could kill chances of future rings.
I saw a truck drive by. Odd. Looked like a friends… uh oh.

The truck was leaving and I went into the hall to see her approach.
We went into my room, close the door ad fixed every woe the world had.

As in all things great, they fall.
We had some issues and her mother could fuck up anything.
We broke up.
I died.

We tried again a few weeks later but I ended it this time.
It was just not working.

I had been in the hospital a few times due to pneaumonia.
She didn’t get to see me much (she lived far, far away) but one night she did.
Everyone left us alone.

We go cozy… then quite active. Her shirt was unbuttoned and I was pushing the sheets down between our leg when I noticed something odd.
A goddamned nurse strode in. . . and watched.
Fury.

Laterr we were interrupted again, just a little.. uh.. more prepared..

Sigh.

I scored a job at a highschool library and enjoyed it a bit.
One day I felt bad, so I went home.
Was in the hospital the nex day. . .

Doctor told me without the tracheotomy I would die. Soon. my ruled went from major dark depression to pitch dark hell.

God the anguish in my soul right now is so high. OUT you fucking demons. Out, out, out!

I got the trach… a quart of fluid a day out of lungs for two weeks and pain I never new imagined.

My trach was changed like four times.
The original was too big. The next way too small.

I remember the doctor changing trach size four to a siz six.
No numbing meds, no sedation, just Demerol ad a held breath.

The doctor I love now but he did a fucking dumbass thing.
He didn’t realize my flesh had mended, that the tissue was growing back.

Mind I am so weak I can’t open a coke.

A nurse took my hand out of kindness. It was time.

He pulled it out and all of the healed tissues and flesh we ripped out.

I had not talked for two weeks. I screamed loud enough that the nurse from the opposite wing flew in. the nurse hlding m hand was in immense pain. I let go and I buried myself deep into a grave of despair ad no hope.

Rhw only thing that helped was the Smashing Pumpkins mellon collie cds. I cope. I lived ny ‘despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage’.

About ten percent of my friends remained with me.

Finally, six weeks after I went in, I came home and suffered through a recovery. My ex boss sent me a smiley balloon ‘get well soon’ bit. Never heard once again. Fuck them.

…..

meff

That's way deep, Z.. I teared up
Glad to have you around.

__________________
Toy-like people make me boy-like.

WhoaitsZ

Sometimes in life you eat shit
No matter what other options are at hand

Sometimes in life you must watch friends get fucked
No matter how many ‘adults’ are around

Sometimes in life you have to balance out the good and evil
No matter what mask either shall where

Sometimes in life I have to accept I am no savior and I can’t right all wrongs
No matter how I bleed or what I do

I just hope giving a fuck can be enough this once.
Sometimes in life I wish I would never cry or sigh in pain from injustice
No matter . . . no matter at all.

WhoaitsZ

w3rd. i live

not my best, but it is something

--------------


One thing about true romantics
Is true romantics never die
Regardless of the darkness or the bleak surrounding
True romantics never die

Sometimes, I think, that they sort of should
Romantics are simply fools who are stubborn for ideals
If you told us we had an impossible deed then we’d die trying to finish it
We are few and far between, but we exist

The romantic in me craves someone I’ve never even met
But I am captured just as well
It is fucking annoying, in a way, yet reality never asked
So I will keep walking toward the goal

True romantics never die
True romantics often cry
True romantics won’t leave your side
This true roman will never lie

Esen

I really really liked this one Z that you wrote..

Originally posted by Z

I am so angry
I am way too tired to shout
To tired to destroy

I am depressed
I can’t break it and its cutting me
My mind shredded

I am sad
There is no real justice
Nobody is held accountable

I am tired
And I am sick
I simply fucking exist

I am hiding
Hoping to not be found besides my words


I am a fighter
I have proven enough
I’ve put down enough issues

I am a man
Hoping to see my theories of justice and love work
I, as a man, know it will not be so

I am ashamed
My fellow humans oftentimes make me embarresed to be human
It hurts me to see people hold someone else back





__________________
-Z

I really enjoyed it

__________________
~Esen
What is everyone doing in my room?

WhoaitsZ

why thanks, chauncey.

someone fucked with a friend of mine if memory serves.

i get a little ill when people mess with my buds

Angel

Z....
A wonderful compilation of work you have placed here. Thank you for opening the door to your world for us. You share a deep and personal you for all of us to learn, to know, to like.
Thank you!
~Angel~

__________________


In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus