Strange Famous

The scene was the UK MTV Europe awards. I was working for a sub contractor named Polish Steve to put together the stage and so on to make some extra cash over the weekend. The work was ok, but heavy going - and I was fairly knackered after a few hours and decided to go get a glass of water.

I walked round the corner to where I knew the water cooler was, and was confronted by the following situation.

Rachel Bilson, who I knew for a fact was guest presenting one of the awards, was standing against the wall, looking kind of pissed off and uncomfortable. It is a known fact that I have a slight crush on Rachel Bilson and therefore I was quite nervous and decided to go back and get a glass of water later due to my shyness. But then I heard in a man's voice, and my curiousity took over.

"Yeah, Im fucking famous, like, do you know what I mean?" said the guy who I couldnt see from the angle I was at. He sounded like a complete prick.

"um.. ok, but..." Rachel began, but the ass, who spoke with a pussy accent cut over her

"You are beautiful... lets go back to my place. I was in the army once" the buffoon continued

"I, um... I actually have to..."

"I saw you smile, like across the room, and I knew that you would be mine. Come on baby. Give yourself to me"

Rachel seemed to be torn between laughing out loud at the guy and being creeped out. I was kind of frozen to the spot, and suddenly became conscious of this fact, and started to back off... from my angle I saw a scrawny guy walk toward Rachel and grab her arm.

"Hey!" she cried, and pulled away from him

"Don't deny it, sugarlumps" the jerk, who I could now see was some lank haired pillock wearing a business jacket over a tee shirt.

Rachel backed off from him, towards where I was standing, and she caught my eye. Straight away she called out

"Hey! Hey, there you are"

"Um" I replied, literally speechless.

"There you are. Ha Ha! Where have you been?"

Intelligently, I grasped the situation immediately.

"I was just getting a drink. Um... whats up?"

"Haha" Rachel laughed nervously "well, I got to get going.... nice speaking to you James"

I looked over and saw that the creep who had been hitting on Rachel in such a sleazy manner was none other than celebrited musical c*** James Blunt.

Blunt stared at my levelly, with idiot eyes

"Who the fuck is this fat wanker?" he address Rachel directly, clearly considering me beneath his contempt/

"Hey, now look..." Rachel began, genuinely angry at this unprovoked and hurtful comment directed at me

"Nah, forget him... come back with me to my room now. This piece of shit here is not worthy of you. He is nothing."

Despite the strangeness of the situation and my general bewilderment, I felt my warm heart start to go cold. James walked towards us, and tried to grab Rachel's arm again, she pulled away and stood behind me. I sensed immediately what was required. I stepped forward, squared up to Blunt.

"Excuse me... I think the lady would like you to leave"

Rachel nodded vigoursly

"Bollocks mate" spat Blunt, literally fuming. "Who the fuck are you? I was in the fucking army mate, you better not start anything"

I spoke calmly "Im not trying to do anything, I am asking you to leave. Nobody wants any trouble. Why will you not go?"

"I'm James Fucking Blunt mate, and I can have any fucking bitch I want, including these cheap American tart here. Now come over here sweetcheeks, before I get really angry. Forget about this fat sadsack, I'll give you the shagging of your life"

I felt Rachel bristle in anger at his rudeness behind me, she clench my arm hard with both her hands.

"You're making a fool of yourself" I said quietly. "Just go back to your room"

"ah, fuck off fatso" he dismissed me and spoke again to Rachel "now come on, hooker. Come with me and get what you know you want, you slut!"

My anger level was now close to breaking. I gave the long haired tosspot one more chance

"If you speak to her like that again I will be forced to knock you down" I said, in an even voice.

"Fucking try it, mate... I was in fucking Yugoslavia!" he yelled back "as for this bitch... I'll say whate..."

He did not finish the sentence before a right cross had deposited him on his arse in the middle of the floor.

"Thank you!" Rachel whispered. I could feel her pressing into my back.

"um, its ok..." I stammered a little.

Blunt pulled himself uneasily to his feet.

"Go back to your room. Stop this before you get hurt" I ordered him. I could see genuine fear in his eyes as he finally noted me, saw the figure of a man that he had insulted and baited unthinkingly... I was a big man, rugged and grizzled, my full beard bristling with machismo. But this joker had one more trick up his sleeve.

"lets go" Rachel said "her voice full of contempt for the flash in the pan pop ballad singer"

"ok" I replied, keeping one eye on him, I lead her away. I saw him make a move... saw him pull what looked like a gun, had time to push myself in front of Rachel before he squeezed....

Not a gun, a tazer! 300,000 volts and 3000 amps coursed through my body causing utter agony and paralysation. I hit the floor helpess and gasping.

"Now!" Blunt cried, his eyes mad and deranged, his lip bloody from my punch "I'm gonna take you for my own!"

Rachel was still in shock from the wicked attack that had been aimed us, but didnt hesitate to hurl her mobile phone straight at the sex pervert.. knocking him sideways. But he recovered and started to move towards her.

I had takem a shock powerful enough to probably kill a bull elephant. It had hurt me bad for sure, but I pulled myself up. Blunt was so assured of his power that he didnt even look and I groggily got to my feet.

Rachel was backed up against the wall as Blunt madly lurched forward on unsteady legs (still half out from the force of my right cross). At the last moment Rachel saw what Blunt did not... the big man moving from the side, a sudden movement... one arm round the neck the other hooked round the jaw, a single wrench... a horrible crack... a corpse left on the floor.

"Oh shit!" I said finally, realising that Blunt was dead.

"Oh God! Oh God!" Rachel gasped! "What are we going to do?"

"Um... I didnt, I just..."

"Thank God you killed him!" Rachel cried, rushing to me, into my arms. We embraced and for a few seconds both forgot about the body of James Blunt, laid out on the cheap function centre floor like so much trash

"But... what are we going to do with the body?"

"Its ok" I said certainly "I'll take care of it"

I new for sure that I had a bag of lime and my trusty shovel in the back of the Peugeot. I knew that there was plenty of deep, clay red soil in the woods behind Kesgrave to bury the body in.

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That night, I didnt catch the awards show, didnt see Rachel present the award for best rap artist to my personal favourite rapper Sage Francis. I was busy feeding a double bagged sack of garbage to the worms.

I got back to my flat late. Saw a strange car parked outside. I moved cautious, out of instinct... but within a nanosecond I saw her. Small, ever so small she seemed, against the sillouette of the flood lights from the rail station carpark. I stood up tall and moved towards the front door... soon she saw me too... walking fast, then running, she came to me. An embrace, in the courtyard of my building, my hands still smudged with dirt. I held her close, feeling like my hearts was everywhere at once, neither of spoke - not then. She reached up, kissed me slightly, world fillingly, and then buried her face into my broad muscular chest again. I held her her, kissed her hair once or twice... after a while we went inside together.

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re-reading this, yes there are some basic errors of English - typing, spelling and out of sync grammar, but it is utterly superb.

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas