dualman7

Let me just start off by saying that I try to surround myself with great people. When we're around eachother we'll do pretty much anything for one another and etc. The one thing that really bothers me, whcih seems to be an issue in almost all of my relationships with friends is that it's a one sided friendship. I've thought that maybe I was being to overbearing by inviting them to hang out and etc..so i took the laid back approach. Well I didn't receive a single call from them for a very long time and finally called them. Why is it like this? I am genuinely a very curtious guy and really make sure that everyone is having a good time. I always have my friends' back. Still for some reason...over the last 5 or 6 years I am like a ghost where is it's not a big deal whether I am at a certain place or not. I am feeling really lonely realizing that I am not someone people think of when there's a get together.

Let me add that a lot of my "friends" are from different areas of my life and don't know one another...yet the relationships are eerily similar. I play alot of sports...and no matter how much we bond on the field I've NEVER had anyone invite me to hang out outside of it. I think because this fact is always in the back of my mind, I try to be extra nice to people and maybe it rubs them the wrong way...I don't know. Ever since I was real young I've either been really really nice or a complete jerk off if you walk all over me. Basically here's how it works...I always start out being genuinely very nice to people...most for some reason take it the wrong way and try to walk all over me. I then have to get into a defensive mode and don't feel like i can be myself around people. There are two or three people in my life who just make me feel at ease...other then that I'm walking on egg shells trying to make friends and failing miserably.

lurkette

Chances are if all of your relationships are like this, there's something you're doing to contribute to the situation - either choosing people as friends who let you take care of them in this way, or just being so pro-active that they have become "trained" to let you do all the work. It might help if you talk to the ones you're most comfortable with and ask them to be honest about why they don't call you, or what you do that invites people to walk all over you.

Good luck!

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- Anatole France

Schwan

People are like that. They take for granted the fact that you invite them over, but the real point is that they just don't notice the need to return the favor. It's not that they do this on purpouse.

I've had a similar problem for a long time, and got so fed up with it, that I just stopped calling them. After something like three months they finally called and this is when I told them how I feel about our one sided relatioinship. Things got better since then. I just got fed up with being disrespected, and rspected is something important. Sometimes it pays to tell people that if they won't start respecting you, they can go hell. Most of the time it works. When it doesn't, it pretty much means they weren't true friends in the first place.

thatoneguy

I've had a similar problem as well, and it's just as Schwan said, they may not even realize that they're doing anything that could be construed by you as unfair or one-sided, but it happens.

When I got that same feeling about some people that you have, I did what Schwan did, just stopped calling them, they didn't call me and I didn't see them for quite a while, and you know what? I feel like I'm much better off for it. I don't need "friends" who don't really seem to care whether I'm around or not, I'd rather not have them around, and take my chances finding friends that value my friendship, and don't just take me for granted or use me for whatever they need.

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Jinn

Oddly enough, I had this revelation yesterday when I saw a friend who I was VERY close with.. we hung out all the time, we drove 10 hours to meet her parents, etc.. etc.. and she hasn't called me in 10 years.

After a little bit of thought, the two things I realized were:

1) Most people are less intelligent and/or considerate than me, and likely don't realize they haven't called me.

2) If I really want them as my friend I have to call them, because they're obviously
not going to do it themselves.

I'll probably revisit this thread just to remind myself of these things, but thats the policy I will be following from now on..

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dualman7

Do you find yourselves walking on egg shells basically trying to be accepted by people around you? Ofcourse it comes off as pathetic, and those people who you try to be super nice to, simply take your kindness for weakness. The next process is for you to get upset and you basically withdraw yourself from them and eventually there is no friendship or respect. Those of you who have an easy time with this...how do you do it? Maybe I should try being a stone cold person around people I feel uncomfortable around instead of trying to be nice, and them not responding in the same manner, and then i feel like a total fool.

Cynthetiq

having realized that some of our relationships are like this Skogafoss and I had to re-evaluate just what our friendships really are. Since we like to be in control of our situtations we usually are the ones that do alot of legwork for our activities and then inviting other friends. But we did get tired of doing all the planning etc that when we started allowing others to make the plans we had to sit and squirm knowing that we're not the ones in control.

It was an adjustment period but it did happen and our friendships are stronger for it because we KNOW what our friends are willing and capapble of doing instead of just talking like they will. We've seen it demonstrated in various capacities and now we know who really "has our back" because those that said they would. Didn't.

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abaya

Cyn, this was a really interesting perspective, and it's one that I share (but didn't realize until you said it). I tend to be the more aggressive one in any friendship/relationship, until I realize that I'm taking all the initiative and then I slack off. Then I start hoping that the other person will take up the baton... some do, some don't.

Those that do, I feel much closer and more trusting of; those that don't, I've learned not to feel guilty about. I also don't put as much effort into keeping up with them. As a result, I feel much less socially drained than I used to. Sometimes these little tests show you who your true friends really are (it's not a conscious test, but sometimes I just get tired of keeping up both ends of things).

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for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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