lindalove

I just broke up with my boyfriend of seven months. The deal-breaker was money. She maintains that I don't share my income with her - I don't offer income support to her because I am miserly and she is unemployed, and not really looking for a job. She wanted me to devote my minimal take-home pay to her support, I want to support my life-style, which might be slightly extravagant, but it is mine and I want to maintain it.

Is money the biggest deal-breaker?

What about infidelity? What about simply needy and dependent SOs who wear out their support? Is money often a factor? What about 'growing out of one another', moving on and all that?

What are some major relationship breakers for you?

little_tippler

money couldn't be it for me unless he was spending all of it on shit and never helping out and spent it all on himself and acted irresponsibly with it to the extent that it harmed us. Infidelity, could be. Physical and emotional abuse, definitely. The main deal breaker for me, within a relatively normal relationship, would be completely not understanding each other on the deepest level, i.e. values and future goals.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

tecoyah

Respect/trust.....by far the highest priority. Money will always be an issue (not bieng rich), and so I cannot allow it to become a damaging aspect in life.Infidelity falls back to trust, as cheating requires a lie. Communication and honestly have an amazing ability to remove the hurdles before we ever get to them.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Johnny Pyro

I agree. Respect and trust are the most important factors of a relationship, along with honesty. Money is almost always a problem when two people live together. It starts arguements and fights. It is sad that money becomes a breaker in a relationship.

She should start looking for a job. (Sounds co- dependent to me.)

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"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

Xazy

Only major breakup for me, is catching my girlfriend was cheating (and with someone who i thought was a friend)!

Yakk

Linda, I'm confused. I'll admit this is tangental, but your post doesn't make sense. I have problems paying attention when things do not make sense.

and

Your boyfriend is a she?

I'll admit this isn't that important, but when I get confused, my brain refuses to let go. =)

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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

SiN

for me, right now, most anything is a dealbreaker.
Tolerance feels pretty low.

granted, I'm coming out of a relationship, and it was too much of a waste of time, so I'm kind of bitter

Anyways, aside from the big obvious ones (money, cheating, abuse, trust, respect) ..

I would say compatibility.

because, how one is, in terms of what they like, how they function, on a more superficial level, make up who they are.
neither partner should expect that to change.

how one is, in terms of interpersonal skills, provided it's not one of the Big Ones noted above, that can be worked on.

In other words, a person can and should always try to be a better communicator and so on ... but if someone likes the color pink and is pretty set in their taste in music and movies and is extremely independent, .... that may be just how they are, and that may not work in the long run.

mis-match, could-be-better-match.

whatever. go fishing.

I've learned, it takes a lot more than love to glue a relationship together.

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guthmund

Respect.

I can work around, compromise, give away all the others, but if I don't respect them or they don't respect me, I can't be with them.

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No signature. None. Seriously.

Sugarmouse

selfishness...which can mean in terms of money.but also other things..it takes empathy and compromise to have a good relationshipand this should not be an effort selfishness is a killer for me

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Sugarmouse=Festered

Jesus Pimp

respect, low confidence, too clingy, not being able to tolerate my crazy parents, smoking, bad at sex.

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Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

Sugarmouse

ifwere talking niggles..then yes...low confidence..lack of genuinity, disrespectful ppl...

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Sugarmouse=Festered

lindalove

Sorry. He's a he. I was tired and upset last night. Lots on my mind.

genuinegirly

College Football.
Nothing destroys a relationship more than some obession or another. The bain of this girl's existance happens to be college football.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

mandy

i'll have to say trust plays a major role in breaking up a relationship.along with that, not being in tune with your partner and not communicating efficiently and effectively with them.

i think communication is vital in a relationship and closely related to that, honesty.you cant communicate properly if you're not honest.

Comprehend

Obsessions, definitely. Drugs, drinking, and smoking all play an important part for me in looking for a partner. I can't put up with smokers so I consider that a 'deal breaker.' Binge drugs or booze is another thing I can't tolerate. I think these things say alot about a person.

ruggerp11

Honesty, openess, trust and communication.

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Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
--Me
BUT!
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

maleficent

expecting to change me and be something that I am not
Making assumptions about what you THINK I am thinking...

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Blonddie

Cheating, of course, is a major deal breaker. Financial issues are the leading cause of breakups (I heard), but I feel people can work those out. However, you have to be with someone who is willing to make changes to keep realtionships going. I think people can grow apart also. Seven months in a relationship-- you are just getting to find out what that persons all about-- you may find out you don't like them as much as you thought.

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"There's one in every family...two in mine actually.."--- Zazu

abaya

SiN, I'm in total agreement. This was something that I realized in my first real relationship (and in every relationship since), and it was a sucky lesson to learn. I was reminded of it again last December, which was really painful.

One thinks (at least I did, many years ago) that love is all you need... but then you try your damndest to make it work based on that, ignoring subtle incompatibilities (including that of being in different life stages, which is a kind of incompatibility), and the shit still hits the fan. I think that has been my only big relationship breaker, really. Everything else was just a smaller part of that.

I believe love is a very powerful thing. But if it's done right, it shouldn't trump one or both people's individual personalities (and even if it looks that way, it will fall through in the end if done wrongly). Instead, it should nurture them each to grow as whole people, simultaneously. I'm still learning what this is all about... wonder if I'll ever get it.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Supple Cow

Different expectations. That's all it takes.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

superredhead

lack of ambition. a guy who thinks that youre going to carry him through life because he lacks any sort of self-motivation. guys who make you feel unintelligent because they want to feel superior.

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*yawn*

Sugarmouse

ITA

throwing me arond rooms dont get them high in the good books either........

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Sugarmouse=Festered

eMOTIONal20

Infidelity is probably among one of my main reasons for breaking off a relationship. I would have to also agree that compatability is a big thing. Moving forward and being at a different place in my life than my ex was a major factor in our break-up.

I have found in few relationships my friends have had that a lot of the time one person in the relationship (usually the guy...) seems to get "comfortable" or something and just gives up on the relationship. I've been in this position before as well, giving and trying to make things work, taking back a boyfriend that said he wanted to make things work and was going to try... but didn't. That, would also be a relationship breaker for me. To basically be the only "giver" and be taken advantage of because of it. I can only give someone so many chances....

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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

snowy

This is my number one dealbreaker. I had a guy presume to know my feelings for him. He was way off-base, I told him so, and he won't be making that mistake or presumption again (he's my best friend, so I forgave him after chewing him out REALLY well).

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Seeker

Loss of respect is a breaker for me. If I lose faith in someone, or they lose faith in me... for whatever reason (money, infedelity, lies, expectations etc.) then it can be very difficult to reinstate that respect, however not impossible.

It's not very often that people are willing to work through a loss of respect...

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

diddagirl

For myself, I could see jealousy, trust and being overly possessive as major deal breakers.

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"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

StephenSa

Infidelity. If my wife cheated on me I would leave. There is no reason for that sort of betrayal. Another would be major changes in life goals. For instance my wife has a daughter and I knew going in I would have to give up a lot of my lifestyle so this girl could live in a suburban home and go to a good school. However it was agreed before we got married that once she graduated high school we could move to a much larger variety of areas. If my wife for instance changed her mind and wanted to stay here in suburban Texas hell, after much pleading and negotiation I would have to leave. I love my wife but Texas will eventually kill me. Another would be lack of trying. Most problems in a marriage I think can be fixed with time, understanding, and effort. Some problems you forgive, let go or live with. Other propblems you have to fix. Regardless it takes effort and compromise. When those things are gone so am I.

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martinguerre

anything that causes me to loose trust in them.

i'm willing to give people a lot of line. some people do good things with that, some folks tie nooses for themselves. unfortunatly, i've found that most of the people who were willing to decieve me had decieved themselves first. they tell me that they're not in to someone else, and when they're talking to me, they believe themselves.

it's made for some hard landings, but i'd rather get burned for trusting someone i care about then to not give them the freedom to be who they're going to be.

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For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16

analog

trust. respect. fidelity. maturity.

Break any of those, i'm done.

Also, suddenly deciding you want to have kids when we'd always said it was a common opinion that we both NEVER EVER wanted any. It would take a hell of a girl to make me change my mind on that.

StuckinRow

Trust is the big one for me. One girl thought I was constantly looking at other girls and thinking that I was going to leave her. Eventually I did because she never trusted me enough. I just broke up with my girlfriend the other day. She cheated on me and I cannot trust her not to do it again. Easiest break up I have had to date.

The (condensed) conversation went something like this.
"I had sex with so and so"
"Really.... Reason?"
"Drunk."
"Ok bye"
Havent talked to her since. Better off this way.

777

I would have to say waking up and mysteriously have black-eyes and brusies and stuff. I heard that happened in a movie. Not sure if it was based on a true story.

And axe murders, watch out for those

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

Willravel

Infidelity would be the most taxing on a relationship because it represents such a fundamental breaking of trust and respect on so many levels. Inability to control anger would be another. I've seen other couples scream at each other before and even get violent. I can't understand it, but if I encountered it I would consider ending the relationship. I would kill myslef before I'd lay a hand on my wife or yell in anger.

bad jane

if my partner ever hit me (outside a context that was appropriate), my first move would be going to the cops, second would be packing up my shit and leaving. it's honestly the only thing that i know a person could do and i would immediately call it quits.

there are lots of other things that may or may not be a deal-breaker for me...i imagine i would leave if he cheated, but i've never been in that situation so perhaps i would be willing to try to work it out. i guess the only thing i've got aside from the hitting me, is if he gives up and isn't willing to do the work to repair what's not working in the relationship. i won't give more than i'm given--if he isn't willing to meet me half way in the relationship, he's not worth my effort.

Daniel_

Trust - every time it's trust.

Money is immaterial in the grand scheme of things - but if you can't rely on people you're screwed.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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Inquiring Mind

Things I've done to break relationships: lose my self respect, not be clear about the ground rules going in, being inflexible of mind, be in love with the idea of being in love, getting into a new one before getting out of the old one (fucked them both up!), focussing on the wrong priorities.

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But why??

questone

Financial issues are the leading cause of breakups (I heard), but I feel people can work those out. However, you have to be with someone who is willing to make changes to keep realtionships going.

Lucifer

Money is driving a big rift into my current relationship, mainly cause I make a good salary, and my woman makes zippo, doesn't want to earn any money, constantly bitches about how little money she has, and basically wants me to support her, do the cooking, the dishes, etc.
Sorry if I sound bitter, but i'm getting to the end of my rope...

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

tec-9-7

Money is a tremendous deal-breaker for me. I WILL NOT support someone else. I'd also say that Republican would be a deal-breaker (I can't imagine having enough in common with a professed Republican to have a relationship), and being hard-core Christian (or hard-core any religion really) would be a deal-breaker.

Furry

Any kind of breach of trust.

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Poppinjay

Gunplay.

Other than that, not much.

I'm pretty much a doormat.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet