Rlyss

Hey everyone. I live in a flat with four others. Four of us work full-time, the other works three days a week. I was unemployed when I first moved in here so I spent a lot of time at home playing video games and stuff with the guy who works 3 days.

These days I work seven days a week for weeks on end and never get enough sleep. My job involves helping people with special needs and I'll often do 12 hour shifts without a break. I'm also about the most solitary person you could ever meet, but I enjoy my job.

Anyway, the days of video games and hanging out meant that a closed door just meant 'Knock and come in after a second' in our flat/apartment. These days when I come home from work I want to grab a beer or two, sit on my ass in my room and check my e-mail, the forums, maybe watch a DVD and then go to bed. If I'm not working on a weekend I'm up for going out, but if I'm working the next day I'd rather just have those few hours to myself.

Since this guy only works 3 days a week he is usually home alone. When I come home I have enough time to go to grab a beer and sit down at my computer, then the knock on the door, he comes in and sits down and wants to chat. It's like clockwork - the beer is opened and so is my door.

My question is, how do I go about changing the door policy, to one that says 'A closed door means don't bother me', and how do I explain that I just want the evenings to myself without coming across as an asshole? I'm all for chatting if we're in the loungeroom or kitchen, but if I'm in my room I'd rather be left alone.

(Please don't say I shouldn't have moved into a flat with four other students and not expected this, I like it here and the flatmates are cool, location is great, etc.)

Daniel_

Try telling him that you're beat, and need some "me" time.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
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maleficent

Ok - so try this -- when you get home.. get the beer -- get nekkid.. and well switch over to the TB and do what comes natural- when he comes in ask if he wants to join in the fun?

Or invest in a lock on the door?

Or even better still tell him that when you get home from work, you need an hour or so of alone time to unwind and well, you'd be happy to chat with him later when you've decompressed

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Daniel_

hey - never thought of that - let him think you're in there "pleasuring" yourself, and he'll lave you perfectly alone.

Or offer to join in..... :S

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Cynthetiq

speak your mind... tell him that you need space.

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cj2112

If you're a private person, having roomates is difficult at best. The key to having this living arrangement be successful is open, honest, adult communication. You gotta tell him you need some time alone and that if you're in your room, with the door closed, it means you wish to be left alone.

skier

Yeah... not really the sort of plan you want to backfire on you

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soma

From reading your post, it doesn't sound like you are SUPER frustrated by what your room mate is doing, which will make confronting him easier for the both of you. You probably know very well that adding angry emotions into the equation would only make things worse.

Let him know that he hasn't done anything wrong, but you would like some space. I don't know your room mate, but I have a good feeling he has no idea what he's doing is bothering you. If you confront him in an neutral, clear, and respectful way, I think it would end your problem and perhaps strenthen your relationship with him.

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brinkn1

Sounds like he's just trying to be friendly. Would keeping the knock-wait-enter policy really cramp your style? You could make good friend, and get some good social interaction at the same time. Going to work and coming home then going to work the next day without any type of interaction might not be the healthiest thing.

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Rlyss

He's generally a nice guy, but he can be quite arrogant fairly often, and is never, ever wrong. He will not accept any criticism at all and has extremely back handed comments to anyone he perceives has any negative thoughts about him. That's why I find it hard to just tell him politely that I need some space - he takes stuff like that extremely personally.

For example, a flatmate and good friend moved out yesterday to live with his long-term girlfriend and he has taken it personally and is now very bitter, saying he's "abandoned" us and generally has nothing nice to say about the one who has just left. (There is nothing sinister behind his moving out.)

But basically he's a nice guy and chatting and hanging around is a lot of fun, I'd just rather leave that to when I'm in the kitchen/common areas or out at the pub. When I come back from work I just want time to myself and to have my room as mine instead of somewhere he feels he can hang out no matter what I might be doing. It doesn't sound like a healthy thing, but it's not as if I'm trying to be a recluse, I just want a few hours where I can do my own thing.

Suave

If your door has a lock, just lock it. Otherwise you will have to tell him politely. If you REALLY want to lighten it, blame yourself. Say something like "I need privacy to do some work" or "I recently discovered nudism and would appreciate it if you 'normies' would allow me my space while I'm swinging my dick around in my room".

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avernus

My flatmate does the same thing. I work more hours than him and come home to find him in his dressing gown, the washing up not done, snack food scattered all over the place, his shoes in the middle of the living room and no milk or bread. He starts to follow me round telling me how boring his day was. No subtle hint, like ignoring him, will work - all I want is five minutes to myself when I get in.

From the sound of it you won't be able to ask him to leave you alone without offending him.

Its an age thing, as I'm nearing my late 20s I feel more and more strongly that I don't want to live with anyone else, apart from my gf who will at least have sex with me. Maybe I'm turning into a grumpy old man like she tells me I am.

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StephenSa

First, get a lock for the door. Then start a tradition wherein you "take a nap" when you get home from your hard day at work. When (or before) he starts bugging you just say your're beat and are going to take a nap then close and lock the door when he exits. Then just quietly amuse yourself for the evening. You could wear headphones for music/television/video games and the like. After this guy gets to know your routine you probably won't even have to keep up the ruse as he'll just expect you to come home and immediately take your "nap". Its admittedly a drag to have to resort to subterfuge to get some alone time but I've had mates like the one you're talking about. If you're honest with them they get bent out shape or have hurt feelings so you find ways to work around their issues to avoid more grief.

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Sugarmouse

what else can i say?i find it anoyin not to mention disrepectful when ppl are like that.

when i was in university halls,, i was the only one that workd and inevitably on my return someone would be outside my door wanting to come in and askme to do ssomthing cos they had been 'stuck inthhe hals' all day(stuck how?!?!)lol
i used to just tell them i was off to get a shower or make an excuse.the nap is a good idea or tel them are goint to make a personal phone call..then only emerge when/if yu want to.relaxation is the best bit of leaving work..u dnt want someone else spoiling it..lol
if this int possible...sneak into the house and into your room,..and hope he dnt notice...

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bobillydylan

Very annoying, i used to share a house and shared a room with my mate, due to the shifts i worked sometimes i just wanted to go to bed early but he would come in the room banging around and wake me up
I would just tell this guy that you want to be on your own after a long day at work and just want to enjoy some quality time to yourself, if he's half decent then he should understand, if not lock your door he will get the message eventually

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Bagezio2

well you never know about some people...