Sugar&Spice

Last night my boyfriend of a year and a half decided he no longer wanted to be with me. I was blindsided by this. I never saw it coming. We are separted during the summer, but attend the same university. We would talk on the phone everyday. Whenever we would hang up we both said "I love you" to each other. Then last night he broke my heart.

He said we were too serious. I didn't want to get married now or even in a couple of years. We are young and having fun together. He said he will always love me in a certain way and I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. He has no complaints. But, despite all that, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me any longer.

I don't know what to do. How do you stop loving someone? I keep thinking about all the good times we had together. I'm still going to see him because I am friends with some of his roommates and they told me I better still hang out. We are both 21 by the way. I still want to be friends, but its gonna be hard seeing him with other girls. I have about another month before I see him. Does anyone think he will change his mind once we see each other? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I cried all night, I'm tired of it. And friends with benefits good or bad?

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Supple Cow

Oh, honey. The only advice I can give you is to look inward, not outward. You're not going to find answers in anybody else, and only you can make yourself happy. It will most assuredly hurt for a while, but think of it like breaking your arm. If you throw it against the wall now, it may never heal. Once the bones set, it will be entirely up to you to decide what to do with your arm.

The crying will probably continue no matter how tired of it you are. As time passes, though, you'll spend more of your time being tired of it and less of your time actually doing it. Hang in there.

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brinkn1

I'm really sorry to hear that, and I hope that you will be able to cope healthily with the situation... I know it can be hard to do that. I would advise against the 'friends with benefits' situation. From my experience, 'friends with benefits' means one person desperately wants a relationship, the other just wants an easy lay, and it always ends up hurting the nobler party.

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MSD

He's just hit the point at which he realized that he's been with you for a long time and only has one year left at college in which to screw around, get drunk and fuck people he'll never see again, and do all that great college stuff. He doesn't think you'll understand that, so he's trying to give you what he thinks is the easiest way to let you down with minimal emotional pain. He probably fully intends to get back together with you after graduation as long as he can make sure that none of his flings and two-week relationships consisting solely of time spent together in bed turns out to be more emotinoally satisfying than loving you. He sees your relationship as indestructible, and therefore has no qualms about putting it on indefinite hold while he goes around and has fun.

Is putting out because you're sure that your unreciprocated love will convince the other person to love you back really nobler than admitting that you just want physical needs satisfied? At best, you're lying to yourself and setting yourself up for a bigger disappointment.

MEAD

I'm sorry to hear about that, very much so. I won't tell you how this is going to happen or how you might feel in time, or how it will only take time for you to feel better. The only advice I can give you is that, you have to act in a way that you know is best, even if you heart is telling you something else, that little voice way back in your head is the right one. And if you want to cry, cry, you are a good person for crying, it shows you can love and care enough to feel a loss so strongly. Everything you feel is the right thing to feel so dont worry about being a mess.

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exizldelfuego

I'd suggest trying to avoid contact with him for a time while you're on the mend. Hang out with the mutual friends by all means, but try not to put yourself in a situation where you're seeing him all the time. You can still be friends with him, but not while you're still pining for him. Wait until you've moved on with your life to re-engage him platonically.

Sugar&Spice

I highly doubt that is his plan. If that was the case, I would've wanted him to just tell me that. I understand we are young and he needs to experience more than just two girls..but it still hurts a lot.

Hanging out with friends has helped a lot. My friend made me leave my house and hauled me to the lake. And it just so happens I met a cool guy who is taking me out sometime this week to this awesome restaurant here and then Saturday we are going out to the lake to go waterskiing and ride on his wave runner. That gave me a little boost of self-esteem. I feel like I still have a good personality and guys still find me attractive. That doesn't mean that when I go to bed tonight I won't cry for what I have lost.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

ratbastid

You know, as somebody who was in a serious relationship in college, I can sort of relate to where he's at. There were times that I really questioned whether having one serious relationship in college was the right thing, given all the opportunities and people and etc, etc. I know lurkette wondered the same things sometimes. I never did act out on that--a bird in the hand being worth two in the bush, and the devil we know, and all that.

I think this is pretty normal young-man-expanding-his-life stuff. It would be a mistake to take it too personally. All that stuff you're probably saying to yourself about yourself is just that... stuff you're saying to yourself about yourself. So fine, okay. You're saying stuff to yourself about yourself. No biggie.

Minx

You don't/can't. Just as you cannot force yourself to fall in love with someone, neither can you just hit a switch and turn it off even if you want to. Trust me, I know this to be a fact. Unfortunately time is your only healing power. It appears that you are already doing one thing that will help, which is to get out and do things and try to meet new people. It will hurt for a long time I'm sorry to say but eventually you will neet someone who can make you smile again.

As far as the "friends with benefits".....I wouldn't do that if I were you. It would be a one-sided relationship with you still caring and him just reaping the benefits. Don't even try to be "friends" with him until you are over the breakup completely, you'll only be more hurt in the long run if you try this tactic. Again....speaking from experience here.

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Bill O'Rights

I can't even begin to describe, to you, the value of the statement that Minx has made above. I could've, and should've written it, verbatum,... myself.
Whereas you will be "making love"...he will just be "gettin' some". That ain't a fair trade. Now, don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with a "friends with benefits" situation. I've been in a few myself. But...we were both just "gettin' some".

As far as the pain that you're feeling right now? I know that it doesn't help...but, trust me...it will get better. Right now, I imagine that you feel as if he has just torn your heart out, taken a bite out of it, thrown it on the ground and stomped on it...right? Yup...thought so. Trust me...even that pain...will heal. Time. Time is the only cure for a broken heart. Life kinda sucks that way...don't it? But, know this...we're here for you.

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Redlemon

I gotta agree with Ratbastid, and to some degree with MSD. In college, you get to a certain point in a relationship and realize that it has become "serious". For me, it was around the 1 year mark. At that point, you have to ask yourself if this relationship is what you really want for the rest of your life. This is a healthy reaction; if you don't ask yourself this, you are just running blind. To continue in a relationship once it hits "serious" if your heart isn't in it is wasting time for both of you.

He may come back if he realizes that you were the right thing. You might take him back, you might not. I hope that whatever happened and happens is for the best.

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StormBerlin

I'm so sorry I know how it feels and I have to be honest, there's really nothing anyone can say to you to make you feel better. You just have to wait it out. Expect up and down mood swings, like one minute you'll be like "fuck him, i'm better off" and then you'll be so depressed you can't even see straight. Just give it time and it will be better. Don't think you can replace him with someone else, I made that mistake and it doesn't help with the lonliness. Keep busy with friends, immerse yourself in a hobby, or take a vacation somewhere that doesn't have any memories of him. You'll feel much better in a while and you'll wonder why you ever thought it was so hard not to be with him. You're in my thoughts

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snowy

Thought I would second that one.

Seriously, take some time for yourself--walk away for a few months. If, after six months (at the minimum), you can be friends, good. But don't be afraid to just walk away for your own self-preservation.

A lot of us around here have been in your shoes. You will recover, but as Bill says, it just takes time. Sorry, sweetheart. Feel better soon.

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Cynthetiq

you can't so don't try.

love shouldn't be like a faucet you can turn on and off. If you can do that, then maybe we're not talking about the same type of "love".

good advice above my post... good advice, time heals all wounds, it may not be next week, next month, or even next year. Your heart will heal when it's finished mourning this relationship and ready for the next one.

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Sugar&Spice

I think I am slowly coming to terms with the breakup. I've been so busy that I haven't really had any alone time. I try to push it to the back of my mind. I have been going out to the lake almost every single day and hanging out with friends. That has definitely lifted my spirits. I'm worried that when all this fun stops I'm going to be back where I was a few short days ago..crying all day, not wanting to do anything.

On a happier note, I've been hanging out with a guy who has gone through almost the exact same thing. We talk a lot and it helps me to understand how my situation could have been so much worse. I know now that I can get through this. My boss gave me three words to live by, "I Don't Care." Apply that to any situation you don't have any control over it he said it should help.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

StormBerlin

the "I Don't Care" bit could work, but it's always been my experience that it wont. It's good to realize that you shouldn't really stress about things you can't control, but try not to cross into the "I don't care" attitude, it just makes you bitter.

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"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

tiltedbc

I saw this situation play out with a couple I know. They're both about 22 and had been going out since they were in highschool. Over time, the guy decided he wanted to breakup and see other girls. His girlfriend was crushed like you are now.

6 months later... they've been back together for a couple months and are now moving in with other before getting married in the next year or so. I guess he realized that she really was "the one" for him afterall and came back on his own.

ryborg

Beware of "I don't care." I believe that accepting your pain and letting it surface makes it heal faster than burring it behind apathy and never truely resolving it.

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Sugar&Spice

I'm starting to realize that I'm not dealing with it. I'm doing everything I can to keep busy and be with other people so I do not have to think about how bad it hurts. Right now it helps me, but in the long run I think it's only going to make the situation harder.

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-Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

Cynthetiq

and sometimes that is the right course of action, because you are too emotionally attached to it to make a rational decision. It took me 3 years of drinking and debauchery until I was finally really able to deal with the issue without the emotions welling up inside and overtaking all rational thoughts.

you'll properly deal with it when you are emotionally ready to do so.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Robaggio

The same thing happened to me in February. It ended a 3 year long relationship.

It hit me pretty hard simply because it didn't make sense. There is no on/off switch for that sort of stuff. I attribute a lot of it to distance- she was living in Hawaii for a year and I hadn't seen her since August. Even today though, things still don't make sense. And because of that things are still tough when I'm alone and have the time to think.

I'd say the best remedy is to keep busy. But really, I think that being busy ends up being a distraction at best :/ Things will come full circle eventually. Don't forget to smile!

pinkie

Love doesn't end...

It just wasn't love, so move on.

The worst mistake you could make would be not to.

Sweetpea

breakups are always incredibly diffuclt. i'm sorry

You are both young and it sounds like he is in a different place in his life than you are and probably cannot handle a true serious committment.

Do move on and start dating again, keep things light with him when you see him, but chances are, with a little time, you'll probably see that you've outgrown him.

If he isn't ready to commit, there's nothing anyone can do to change that, not even himself, it seems he's just not on that path And you'll certainly be better off without him. Cherish the relationship you had with him and learn from it, but give your heart a chance to mend and move on.

My heart goes out to you Also, take this time to focus on yourself and start thinking about what you want out of life and what path you wish to take. And pamper yourself too!

Sweetpea

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The.Lunatic

I’m the guy that broke up with Sugar&Spice…

All true.

This would help, but I think it would be counter productive in the end.

I’m convinced no amount of advice can really remedy a situation like this, and that people will have to learn to fix things their own way. I’m just trying not to screw with her emotions any further.

PS. Debauchery - Extreme indulgence in sensual pleasures; dissipation (maybe take it down a notch or two, but not the worst way to get over someone) I think drinking is dangerous if you’re sad as it turns into an escape I don’t think she’d have a problem with that, but I should be noted.

I agree

I’m all but convinced this is a bad idea, she’s good looking and amazing at sex, but I think that kind of intimacy would make this much harder on the poor girl.

Cliffs: Quoting a few of the posts that I thought were good. She’s bound to go through a hard time with this, and I’m trying to make it easier by not sending conflicting messages and screw around with her head more than i already have, she’s strong and will be fine however, I’ll probably see her again in a month and I don’t think that will be enough time for her as it sure as hell wasn’t enough for me the first time I got my heart stepped on.

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