Having friends outside your partnership - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

tres · 06-01-2005, 05:52 AM

I've always been in the line of thought that a person has to be happy with many aspects of their own life, before they can be happy in a relationship. Additionally, when a couple gets together they should continue their happy lives both seperate and apart. Meaning... I have my friends that I hang with, she has her friend that we hang with, we have mutual friends, and every now and then she can hang with me and my friends, and I with her and her friends.

Since I have been with my fiance, only since I moved back to NY, where when I came back, most of my friends had gone on with their lives forcing me to find new ones. I found her first. All along I've promoted the idea of her going out with the "girls", and me with the guys, but for one reason or another be it finances, or whatever, neither of us really had "apart" time. Fast forward a year, and I'm making friends and hanging out maybe once a week, she thinks that something in the relationship is lacking if I need to have friends outside of her. Automatically she thinks that I'm gonna meet some girl and think the grass is greener and leave her. I'm not that type of person, and I think that by not she should know that. Mostly I think its insecurity because of the lack of her sex drive due to her BC, but there will be another topic on that soon enough...
Should I not need my friends outside of our relationship? I encourage her to go out with hers. but she doesent.. I have the job I love, and the women I love, all the aspects execpt for friends... I dunno.. What do you all think?

Siege · 06-01-2005, 05:56 AM

Well, it sounds to me that she's pretty insecure about this relationship. I suppose you could always take her with you when you go out (she is your fiancee afterall) once in a while and you both can have a good time, and she'll see that nothing goes on aside from having some fun.

Personally, I don't think I, myself, could be in a relationship where everything was focussed on my s/o and I had nothing outside of the relationship. Kinda reminds me of one of my buddy's s/o, she gets all pissed with him just being NEAR other females!

tres · 06-01-2005, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seige

Well, it sounds to me that she's pretty insecure about this relationship. I suppose you could always take her with you when you go out (she is your fiancee afterall) once in a while and you both can have a good time, and she'll see that nothing goes on aside from having some fun.

Personally, I don't think I, myself, could be in a relationship where everything was focussed on my s/o and I had nothing outside of the relationship. Kinda reminds me of one of my buddy's s/o, she gets all pissed with him just being NEAR other females!

I have no problem taking her out with me SOMETIMES, but when she is there with me and my friends, I feel like I have to keep her entertained, and when she is ready to leave, then I have to be... I wanna be able to chill..leave what I want, etc........

Squishor · 06-01-2005, 07:11 AM

I believe that you absolutely have to have interests and activities outside your relationship if you want it to be healthy and long-lasting. Try talking to her in a way that sincerely conveys your feelings for her and see if that helps her insecurities. Maybe there is something else you can do to demonstrate your feelings that will convince her. It could be the hormonal birth control too - wacky hormones can cause women to feel insecure, since they mess with your emotions. Don't marry her until you get this worked out.

One thing I noticed, though, is that you said, "...I have...the women I love...." You did mean the woman, as in her, right? Otherwise if you're out there loving more than one woman that could be the root of the problem right there.

tres · 06-01-2005, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squishor

I believe that you absolutely have to have interests and activities outside your relationship if you want it to be healthy and long-lasting. Try talking to her in a way that sincerely conveys your feelings for her and see if that helps her insecurities. Maybe there is something else you can do to demonstrate your feelings that will convince her. It could be the hormonal birth control too - wacky hormones can cause women to feel insecure, since they mess with your emotions. Don't marry her until you get this worked out.

One thing I noticed, though, is that you said, "...I have...the women I love...." You did mean the woman, as in her, right? Otherwise if you're out there loving more than one woman that could be the root of the problem right there.

OK...SO I made a typo

woman

Sage · 06-01-2005, 06:01 PM

Repeat after me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET HER OFF OF BIRTH CONTROL!!!!! If she is having ANY issues with it at all she needs to get to the gyno and try to figure out which one would work for her. The purpose of birth control is so you can fuck like bunnies and not have babies, SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF TAKING BIRTH CONTROL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW LIKE BUNNIES???
/rant

Anyway, Martel and I have been so wrapped up in each other that we haven't felt the need to have friends. Not saying that we don't have ANY friends, we have some very close friends that we went to high school with and get up with any and every chance we have, but we're not the type to go out and make a bunch of friends. We're hermits.

If she's got issues you need to address them BEFORE you get married. Also, you need to get her off of BC- When I was on BC I was a psycho and didn't know it, because the BC made me think that how I acted was normal. Once I got over the BC I was like "holy crap, Martel, thank you for not leaving me because I was acting like a PSYCHO."

Beccarain · 06-09-2005, 02:52 PM

It's healthy to have friends outside of the relationship . . . and I've found that intimate relationships take on a personality all their own. IMO, it can be a huge strain on the relationship if one of the partners is trying to get all of their happiness from the relationship.

And of course the BC could be an issue; I've had friends over the years that reacted very strongly and it altered aspects of their personalities big time. Just a thought, is her personality different from pre-BC? It does sound like there's an insecurity issue with your woman . . .

Bottom line, cheers from me for having friends outside of the relationship.

ShaniFaye · 06-09-2005, 03:09 PM

having a S/O does not mean you become siamese twins...You should both most definately have time with friends of your own, you dont need to live up each others butt like a suppository.

*Nikki* · 06-09-2005, 05:23 PM

LOL Shani what an excellent analogy

Jesus Pimp · 06-09-2005, 06:02 PM

Good luck! I wish most of my long time friends would grow some balls like you and find time to hang out with friends outside of their SOs.

Martel · 06-14-2005, 06:45 PM

All of these people saying "of course you shouldn't/don't/mustn't need to spend all/most of your time with only your s/o, if you don't have apart time you'll hate each other" are missing something: everyone is different.

Different people have different needs, and the same people can have different needs at different stages in their lives.

Don't treat people like they should all be the same (this is what your s/o needs to understand as well). Some people get along just fine focusing everything they've got onto one other person, and some people need to have people with whom they can hang out and shoot the shit and not have to see them for more than an hour or three.

When a person is with an s/o, they are both concerned with each other (or at least should be), but I think some people (guys more so than girls? I dunno) need some kind of interaction that involves being with people but not really CARING all that much (I'm not saying that people don't care about their friends, but there's a big difference between being out with your s/o and paying full attention to each other and sitting around watching the game with your buddies and just sort of marginally acknowledging each others presences).

Some people just can't (or don't want to have to) handle being fully emotionally invested in all of their company, all of the time.

But the main point is that there is not some "right way to do it" that everyone needs to follow.

tres · 06-15-2005, 04:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martel

All of these people saying "of course you shouldn't/don't/mustn't need to spend all/most of your time with only your s/o, if you don't have apart time you'll hate each other" are missing something: everyone is different.

Different people have different needs, and the same people can have different needs at different stages in their lives.

Don't treat people like they should all be the same (this is what your s/o needs to understand as well). Some people get along just fine focusing everything they've got onto one other person, and some people need to have people with whom they can hang out and shoot the shit and not have to see them for more than an hour or three.

When a person is with an s/o, they are both concerned with each other (or at least should be), but I think some people (guys more so than girls? I dunno) need some kind of interaction that involves being with people but not really CARING all that much (I'm not saying that people don't care about their friends, but there's a big difference between being out with your s/o and paying full attention to each other and sitting around watching the game with your buddies and just sort of marginally acknowledging each others presences).

Some people just can't (or don't want to have to) handle being fully emotionally invested in all of their company, all of the time.

But the main point is that there is not some "right way to do it" that everyone needs to follow.

I don't think I could have said it better myself...

toxic515 · 06-15-2005, 05:26 AM

My wife and I enjoy each other's company greatly. During the day we are seperate, as needed due to jobs, etc. (on weekdays) In the evenings, we are together, normally with the kids. We have friends, most of which are couples, and all of them can be"divided" out in many ways, whether it's guys or girls or those who drink vs those who do not, etc. We are always free to go out without the SO, but after 13 years of marriage we tend to prefer to go out together. We simply don't get the time to be alone together all that often. We always maintained, and still do, our relationships outside the marriage, and after this much time invested, neither gets at all jealous or concerned if the other wants to go out with one or more of those friends alone. (though we do normally wind up wishing that the other was there.)

ShaniFaye · 06-15-2005, 05:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martel

All of these people saying "of course you shouldn't/don't/mustn't need to spend all/most of your time with only your s/o, if you don't have apart time you'll hate each other" are missing something: everyone is different.

Different people have different needs, and the same people can have different needs at different stages in their lives.

Don't treat people like they should all be the same (this is what your s/o needs to understand as well). Some people get along just fine focusing everything they've got onto one other person, and some people need to have people with whom they can hang out and shoot the shit and not have to see them for more than an hour or three.

When a person is with an s/o, they are both concerned with each other (or at least should be), but I think some people (guys more so than girls? I dunno) need some kind of interaction that involves being with people but not really CARING all that much (I'm not saying that people don't care about their friends, but there's a big difference between being out with your s/o and paying full attention to each other and sitting around watching the game with your buddies and just sort of marginally acknowledging each others presences).

Some people just can't (or don't want to have to) handle being fully emotionally invested in all of their company, all of the time.

But the main point is that there is not some "right way to do it" that everyone needs to follow.

but all of us are answering his question

Quote:

Should I not need my friends outside of our relationship?

and its very hard to answer that without it reflecting how YOU (as a fellow poster...not YOU as in martel) see it.

of course we are all different, thats why people ask advice....to get a vision of all different sides of it.

Its real easy for person A to say...NO you shouldnt need it, there's something wrong with you and person B to say (heh, insert my own comment) "you dont need to live up each others butt like a suppository".

Asking a question like that in a group like this IS asking us to answer from our own belief's and how we as seperate people view things.

besides any relationship counselor is going to tell you that yes, you do indeed need time away from you S/O, even if its just an hour once a month.

I'm on benadryl...I have no idea if this came out the way I meant it too

Cynthetiq · 06-15-2005, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

Repeat after me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET HER OFF OF BIRTH CONTROL!!!!! If she is having ANY issues with it at all she needs to get to the gyno and try to figure out which one would work for her. The purpose of birth control is so you can fuck like bunnies and not have babies, SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF TAKING BIRTH CONTROL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW LIKE BUNNIES???
/rant

Anyway, Martel and I have been so wrapped up in each other that we haven't felt the need to have friends. Not saying that we don't have ANY friends, we have some very close friends that we went to high school with and get up with any and every chance we have, but we're not the type to go out and make a bunch of friends. We're hermits.

If she's got issues you need to address them BEFORE you get married. Also, you need to get her off of BC- When I was on BC I was a psycho and didn't know it, because the BC made me think that how I acted was normal. Once I got over the BC I was like "holy crap, Martel, thank you for not leaving me because I was acting like a PSYCHO."

as far as the birth control comment, we like our lifestyle and don't want children to complicate things at all (almost to the point where I'm willing to get a vasectomy), not fuck like bunnies all the time.

Skogafoss and I are very inseperable as we have similar interests and activities, rarely will you catch one without the other.

eMOTIONal20 · 06-20-2005, 07:16 PM

Honestly, if I couldn't have time outside of my relationship to just spend time with my friends, I'd go crazy... I love being with my SO, but sometimes I just want to be with other people doing other things. Besides, there are things that I'm pretty sure my SO wouldn't want to do with me. We have a balance though: I have my close friends, he has his, we have mutual friends, and we have eachother.

I think the need for friends should be there even if you're in a relationship. There are probably things that you and your buddies would want to do that she may not be interested in, and I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to go out and do them with people who would want to.

I guess it just sounds weird to me that she doesn't feel the need to have freinds outside of you... or thinks that there's a problem if you want them outside of her.

06-01-2005, 05:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	Having friends outside your partnership I've always been in the line of thought that a person has to be happy with many aspects of their own life, before they can be happy in a relationship. Additionally, when a couple gets together they should continue their happy lives both seperate and apart. Meaning... I have my friends that I hang with, she has her friend that we hang with, we have mutual friends, and every now and then she can hang with me and my friends, and I with her and her friends. Since I have been with my fiance, only since I moved back to NY, where when I came back, most of my friends had gone on with their lives forcing me to find new ones. I found her first. All along I've promoted the idea of her going out with the "girls", and me with the guys, but for one reason or another be it finances, or whatever, neither of us really had "apart" time. Fast forward a year, and I'm making friends and hanging out maybe once a week, she thinks that something in the relationship is lacking if I need to have friends outside of her. Automatically she thinks that I'm gonna meet some girl and think the grass is greener and leave her. I'm not that type of person, and I think that by not she should know that. Mostly I think its insecurity because of the lack of her sex drive due to her BC, but there will be another topic on that soon enough... Should I not need my friends outside of our relationship? I encourage her to go out with hers. but she doesent.. I have the job I love, and the women I love, all the aspects execpt for friends... I dunno.. What do you all think? __________________ "Its better to be hated for who you are, then loved for what your not" --Van Zant "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

06-01-2005, 05:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
Siege is a tiger Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada	Well, it sounds to me that she's pretty insecure about this relationship. I suppose you could always take her with you when you go out (she is your fiancee afterall) once in a while and you both can have a good time, and she'll see that nothing goes on aside from having some fun. Personally, I don't think I, myself, could be in a relationship where everything was focussed on my s/o and I had nothing outside of the relationship. Kinda reminds me of one of my buddy's s/o, she gets all pissed with him just being NEAR other females! __________________ "Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek" --Kevin Smith This part just makes my posts easier to find

06-01-2005, 06:01 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Repeat after me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET HER OFF OF BIRTH CONTROL!!!!! If she is having ANY issues with it at all she needs to get to the gyno and try to figure out which one would work for her. The purpose of birth control is so you can fuck like bunnies and not have babies, SO WHAT'S THE POINT OF TAKING BIRTH CONTROL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW LIKE BUNNIES??? /rant Anyway, Martel and I have been so wrapped up in each other that we haven't felt the need to have friends. Not saying that we don't have ANY friends, we have some very close friends that we went to high school with and get up with any and every chance we have, but we're not the type to go out and make a bunch of friends. We're hermits. If she's got issues you need to address them BEFORE you get married. Also, you need to get her off of BC- When I was on BC I was a psycho and didn't know it, because the BC made me think that how I acted was normal. Once I got over the BC I was like "holy crap, Martel, thank you for not leaving me because I was acting like a PSYCHO." __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

06-09-2005, 03:09 PM	#8 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	having a S/O does not mean you become siamese twins...You should both most definately have time with friends of your own, you dont need to live up each others butt like a suppository. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

06-09-2005, 06:02 PM	#10 (permalink)
Jesus Pimp The Original JizzSmacka	Good luck! I wish most of my long time friends would grow some balls like you and find time to hang out with friends outside of their SOs. __________________ Never date anyone who doesn't make your dick hard.

06-01-2005, 07:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	I believe that you absolutely have to have interests and activities outside your relationship if you want it to be healthy and long-lasting. Try talking to her in a way that sincerely conveys your feelings for her and see if that helps her insecurities. Maybe there is something else you can do to demonstrate your feelings that will convince her. It could be the hormonal birth control too - wacky hormones can cause women to feel insecure, since they mess with your emotions. Don't marry her until you get this worked out. One thing I noticed, though, is that you said, "...I have...the women I love...." You did mean the woman, as in her, right? Otherwise if you're out there loving more than one woman that could be the root of the problem right there.

06-09-2005, 02:52 PM	#7 (permalink)
Beccarain Upright Location: Right here, right now	It's healthy to have friends outside of the relationship . . . and I've found that intimate relationships take on a personality all their own. IMO, it can be a huge strain on the relationship if one of the partners is trying to get all of their happiness from the relationship. And of course the BC could be an issue; I've had friends over the years that reacted very strongly and it altered aspects of their personalities big time. Just a thought, is her personality different from pre-BC? It does sound like there's an insecurity issue with your woman . . . Bottom line, cheers from me for having friends outside of the relationship.

06-09-2005, 05:23 PM	#9 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	LOL Shani what an excellent analogy

06-14-2005, 06:45 PM	#11 (permalink)
Martel Insane Location: Sage's bed	All of these people saying "of course you shouldn't/don't/mustn't need to spend all/most of your time with only your s/o, if you don't have apart time you'll hate each other" are missing something: everyone is different. Different people have different needs, and the same people can have different needs at different stages in their lives. Don't treat people like they should all be the same (this is what your s/o needs to understand as well). Some people get along just fine focusing everything they've got onto one other person, and some people need to have people with whom they can hang out and shoot the shit and not have to see them for more than an hour or three. When a person is with an s/o, they are both concerned with each other (or at least should be), but I think some people (guys more so than girls? I dunno) need some kind of interaction that involves being with people but not really CARING all that much (I'm not saying that people don't care about their friends, but there's a big difference between being out with your s/o and paying full attention to each other and sitting around watching the game with your buddies and just sort of marginally acknowledging each others presences). Some people just can't (or don't want to have to) handle being fully emotionally invested in all of their company, all of the time. But the main point is that there is not some "right way to do it" that everyone needs to follow. __________________ Anamnesis

06-15-2005, 05:26 AM	#13 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	My wife and I enjoy each other's company greatly. During the day we are seperate, as needed due to jobs, etc. (on weekdays) In the evenings, we are together, normally with the kids. We have friends, most of which are couples, and all of them can be"divided" out in many ways, whether it's guys or girls or those who drink vs those who do not, etc. We are always free to go out without the SO, but after 13 years of marriage we tend to prefer to go out together. We simply don't get the time to be alone together all that often. We always maintained, and still do, our relationships outside the marriage, and after this much time invested, neither gets at all jealous or concerned if the other wants to go out with one or more of those friends alone. (though we do normally wind up wishing that the other was there.) __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

06-20-2005, 07:16 PM	#16 (permalink)
eMOTIONal20 Crazy Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado	Honestly, if I couldn't have time outside of my relationship to just spend time with my friends, I'd go crazy... I love being with my SO, but sometimes I just want to be with other people doing other things. Besides, there are things that I'm pretty sure my SO wouldn't want to do with me. We have a balance though: I have my close friends, he has his, we have mutual friends, and we have eachother. I think the need for friends should be there even if you're in a relationship. There are probably things that you and your buddies would want to do that she may not be interested in, and I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to go out and do them with people who would want to. I guess it just sounds weird to me that she doesn't feel the need to have freinds outside of you... or thinks that there's a problem if you want them outside of her. __________________ "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi