The long distance email and the art of laying the cards down. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

~Lucian~ · 05-11-2005, 02:18 PM

Okay, how's this for a "i'm ready to break up with you" email? Keep in mind we were.. (are?) in a long distance relationship, and this version is slightly edited for her sake. I always thought though, if anyone, i'd be able to make it work, but apparently not. Ah well, time to move on if it comes to it. Great thing is, despite all the absolute crap I've gone through, i'll come away a lot less bitter than i thought would be. And it hardly lessens my resolve and faith in love. Rock on.

Hey ---,

Hmm, so i finally think I know what's going on. Got this totally random call from your mother last night on my way home from uni that's pretty much got me torn in two. On the one hand, I could believe your mother and everything she said and that it truly is off between you and I, and on the other, maybe she's just frustrated about things you say about us. Basically i've chosen to go along with what she's saying, but still want to talk to you personally about all this.

Firstly, she said that you're not telling be because you're scared that I can't take it or something.. Well, how many fricken times have i told you that it's up to you and that i'm not forcing you to be with me. Every time you break my heart, use me, cheat on me and treat me like shit I tell you this and i've had enough. You've had this choice for a long time and look, if you don't want me and any of my qualities, I'm not gonna just roll over and die. I tried all I could.. I put my heart and soul into this relationship.. more than you could possibly imagine. Believe it or not, I actually do still have a life outside of us and one that quite frankly is going fine, work's fine, band's finally up & running again starting next week next, i've been spending a lot of time out of home (with mates), i've got a few uni paths which i'm thinking of pursuing and I have hell of a lot of trips i want to organise. Speaking of which, I wanted to come visit on the queens birthday weekend before our 2 year anniversary and i've got the money, money's not the issue, it's finding a time when you're free and a way I can avoid my parents and all their crap and questioning but now that's not happening, i might as well go and buy me a shiny new effects pedal for the guitar.

I wanna hear your side, because from calling me "babe" in your last email on sunday, asking what to expect from me this year, to it being totally off has really got me wondering and yea the obivous thing came to mind and i'm guessing that you've done the dirty on me once again over the weekend or over several weekends. Whatever, it's been wouldn't surprise me at all. I just want you for once in this relationship to be absolutely, completely honest about the way you feel and what YOU want out of this relationship.. because all you're making me feel like is like some random 2 year rebound boy, and to be honest, I know I deserve better than that. I think you know what I had planned for you before for the end of this year, it's pretty obvious, it's been 2 years now.. and I had the perfect way to show you exactly how much you meant to me, but whatever, don't look at that as a reason to stay with me please. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Another thing your mother said is that you were scared that even if you broke up with me, I'd say yes and go along with it, but still be into you, attached or not get over you.. or something along those lines, but baby, when you're gone, you're gone. That's it. No I don't really wanna lose you right now, and of course I do have and will have feelings for you for a long time. But unlike other guys, who come back at the click of a finger, once you've lost me. I'm not coming back, and when I said, that if I had a wife and kids later on and i'd cheat on her and them for you, well somehow, I don't ever see that happening. To have kids with someone is something major and there's no way i'd throw it away for an old flame. Nor would I cheat on any future girlfriend with you, it's not my style and you know that.

The last thing I remember her saying is that it's hard for you seeing all your mates together with each other.. I dunno.. How about this for hard, at least 6 people I know, 4 of which are really close to me are getting married.. then there's jord, tim, bev, sam, a lot of my close mates have girlfriends that they can see all the time. How do you think that makes me feel half the time. It's goddamn hard but I just deal with it without cheating on you.

After saying all that, if this is all because you couldn't get hold of me over the weekend, then i'm really sorry, I had no money on my phone and a good 14 hours work on saturday. I've got money now though and I will call you tonight regardless so we can talk. I also promised to be there for you if you needed someone to talk to after we've broken up, and I'm keeping my word.. if you need someone to talk to i'll listen and be supportive, just don't think it'll be anything more than support, and if I say "love you" at the end of a conversation, it's a totally different "love you", like the kind i'd say to elle, nate after a phone call or to ashly at the end of an msn conversation. And if your mother was right and not exaggerating things or you have cheated on me again with someone, anyone. Then fuck yea, i'm good to go move on and find someone else when i'm ready. But for the love of god, don't take me as some clingy idiot, who's gonna be constantly asking for another go or to have sex with you, I've got a lot more self respect than that.

[Edited] There are or were 2 people in this relationship and sooner or later you'll have to learn to take responsiblity for your actions. After I stop being your boyfriend, instead of just kicking yourself mentally and hurting yourself over things, you have to take life by the balls and be what you wanna be, ignore your mother's pressure, social pressure and listen to your heart, don't even listen to me if you feeling i'm pressuring you in a certain direction. If i can at least help you to become the awesome girl inside, gentle, confident and intuitive. That's one less dream i have to worry about. Roxxor.

Love -------

I probably shoulda said, "if ya did cheat again, i'm outies" Because i'm not going through that all over again.. The issues in this email are about 1/10th, the issues we've been though.. and that's in the last 6 months

Still, there are reasons why I want to be with the girl and strong ones at that, but the more i read this email, the more everything steers towards no. Ask away, with questions or any criticism, i'm ready for it and open to it. I don't think i'll go into all the specifics for her sake, besides, each of our issues would take a separate post on it's own. Finally, to all the bleeding 15 year old hearts out there who feel the world ends when their girl or guy is dumped them.. just get over it.

RCR · 05-12-2005, 03:52 AM

Nice one, i think you held yourself up well in the mail.

However i would try and find out if she did try and call you over the weekend, because if you were unavailable....

slimshaydee · 05-12-2005, 03:58 AM

sometimes its just best to cut your losses before you get hurt even more ay. Short term pain for long term happiness vs short term happiness for long term pain is deffinately the way to go.
Good on you for not putting up with it...I've made the stupid mistake of staying too long in the past.

~Lucian~ · 05-12-2005, 06:04 AM

Yea, i've pretty much been informed of a great deal of cheating which she's been doing. HAHAHA!! What cracks me up is apparently, she's even got a reputation in her hometown. I think just the level of her cheating, it's so ridiculous, it strikes me as humorous. Either way, we're done and i'm damn thankful for that. I did everything I could do, so in the end it's her loss. She'll realise that some day after she's been abused by someone who didn't treat her right. As for me, well, i'm just gonna go find a girl who can appreciate me and fact I like to make an effort to look after a girl.

RCR · 05-12-2005, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Lucian~

I did everything I could do, so in the end it's her loss. She'll realise that some day after she's been abused by someone who didn't treat her right. .

Thats correct, at the end of the day, you cant do anymore.

ophelia783 · 05-12-2005, 06:30 AM

I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you, but it seems to me that if she cheated on you while you were LD, she would've done it if you hadn't been in a LD relationship anyway - a cheater is a cheater.

~Lucian~ · 05-12-2005, 06:36 AM

Quote:

I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you, but it seems to me that if she cheated on you while you were LD, she would've done it if you hadn't been in a LD relationship anyway - a cheater is a cheater.

Totally true. I should have listened to what people around me were saying and from now on endevour to be a lot more realistic. Sometimes, you really can't change people.

Mondak · 05-12-2005, 07:00 AM

Well - I have a policy that I try to live by - professionally and personally - Always deliver bad news in the most personal way possible. Couple benefits:

It makes you a stronger person
allows you to experience your emotions
gives you little room to hide
makes you really think out your position (since you might have to explain it or face objections)
It builds integrity

If you can't do it in Person, do it over the Phone

Never email, never voicemail

You will find it is tough to do, and you will like yourself a great deal each time you do it

~Lucian~ · 05-12-2005, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Well - I have a policy that I try to live by - professionally and personally - Always deliver bad news in the most personal way possible.

For sure. and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last almost 2 years now. Butyea, if you knew the relationship I came out of, she's already made me do all of the above several times, and i've felt every emotion under the sun with her. So for me, i don't really find it tough confronting her at all and always attempt to call her to get the bad news out of her. The one thing i can say out of all this is that, i've definitely gone through major character building and even if I can't get these final words out with her for a while, I feel I've gained a lot already. As I said, her loss. Not mine.

Mondak · 05-19-2005, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Lucian~

For sure. and that's exactly what i've been doing for the last almost 2 years now. Butyea, if you knew the relationship I came out of, she's already made me do all of the above several times, and i've felt every emotion under the sun with her. So for me, i don't really find it tough confronting her at all and always attempt to call her to get the bad news out of her. The one thing i can say out of all this is that, i've definitely gone through major character building and even if I can't get these final words out with her for a while, I feel I've gained a lot already. As I said, her loss. Not mine.

Well then, good for you! I mean these situations can be very difficult, but you are still doing better than what MOST people do; most people settle. They worry about finding someone else, they worry about being alone, they second guess their relationship needs and hope / wish that things will get better. After it is over, be sure to take inventory. I mean this may seem silly, but think about all the aspects of the relationship and write them down. If you look at what was positive and negative - no matter how small or silly, it can help you make smart decitions in the future.

~Lucian~ · 05-20-2005, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mondak

After it is over, be sure to take inventory. I mean this may seem silly, but think about all the aspects of the relationship and write them down. If you look at what was positive and negative - no matter how small or silly, it can help you make smart decitions in the future.

Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely take it. It also pissed me off the way she used to snub this site, because it was "too intellectual". This place is far better than any forum i've come across. Go intelligent conversation!!

hahaha ok, so we're totally over now, no doubt about it.. I do feel sorry for her however, i mean, she's done the following in the last week:

- Found a new guy (before we officially broke up)
- Is having dirty sex with him in bathrooms and letting the whole world know about it via her msn screen name (she has serious issues with sex, basically it's not good for her emotionally and after a month or so, her new boy will realise this)
- Is now engaged to the same guy.
- Lost her two best friends.
- And is quitting her job to move to a small town called hawera with this guy. Despite the fact, she can't handle small towns.. ah and they can't handle her.

sounds to me like she's trying to make a statement... she's kinda futile with her statements though, i mean, if noone gives a shit, then what's the point? and if she's using him to get back at me.. well

it ain't working too well.

diddagirl · 05-23-2005, 06:12 PM

Wow....Good for you for picking up the pieces and moving on the way you did. Looks like it didnt take you long to realize that you should never settle for anyone...or any of their shit. And impressive that you arent bitter about love.....

Mondak · 05-25-2005, 03:39 PM

Looks like you made a healthy choice. Now take this time to work on yourself for a while before jumping into anything and you will be all set.

05-11-2005, 02:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
~Lucian~ Tilted Location: New Zealand	The long distance email and the art of laying the cards down. Okay, how's this for a "i'm ready to break up with you" email? Keep in mind we were.. (are?) in a long distance relationship, and this version is slightly edited for her sake. I always thought though, if anyone, i'd be able to make it work, but apparently not. Ah well, time to move on if it comes to it. Great thing is, despite all the absolute crap I've gone through, i'll come away a lot less bitter than i thought would be. And it hardly lessens my resolve and faith in love. Rock on. Hey ---, Hmm, so i finally think I know what's going on. Got this totally random call from your mother last night on my way home from uni that's pretty much got me torn in two. On the one hand, I could believe your mother and everything she said and that it truly is off between you and I, and on the other, maybe she's just frustrated about things you say about us. Basically i've chosen to go along with what she's saying, but still want to talk to you personally about all this. Firstly, she said that you're not telling be because you're scared that I can't take it or something.. Well, how many fricken times have i told you that it's up to you and that i'm not forcing you to be with me. Every time you break my heart, use me, cheat on me and treat me like shit I tell you this and i've had enough. You've had this choice for a long time and look, if you don't want me and any of my qualities, I'm not gonna just roll over and die. I tried all I could.. I put my heart and soul into this relationship.. more than you could possibly imagine. Believe it or not, I actually do still have a life outside of us and one that quite frankly is going fine, work's fine, band's finally up & running again starting next week next, i've been spending a lot of time out of home (with mates), i've got a few uni paths which i'm thinking of pursuing and I have hell of a lot of trips i want to organise. Speaking of which, I wanted to come visit on the queens birthday weekend before our 2 year anniversary and i've got the money, money's not the issue, it's finding a time when you're free and a way I can avoid my parents and all their crap and questioning but now that's not happening, i might as well go and buy me a shiny new effects pedal for the guitar. I wanna hear your side, because from calling me "babe" in your last email on sunday, asking what to expect from me this year, to it being totally off has really got me wondering and yea the obivous thing came to mind and i'm guessing that you've done the dirty on me once again over the weekend or over several weekends. Whatever, it's been wouldn't surprise me at all. I just want you for once in this relationship to be absolutely, completely honest about the way you feel and what YOU want out of this relationship.. because all you're making me feel like is like some random 2 year rebound boy, and to be honest, I know I deserve better than that. I think you know what I had planned for you before for the end of this year, it's pretty obvious, it's been 2 years now.. and I had the perfect way to show you exactly how much you meant to me, but whatever, don't look at that as a reason to stay with me please. I just needed to get it off my chest. Another thing your mother said is that you were scared that even if you broke up with me, I'd say yes and go along with it, but still be into you, attached or not get over you.. or something along those lines, but baby, when you're gone, you're gone. That's it. No I don't really wanna lose you right now, and of course I do have and will have feelings for you for a long time. But unlike other guys, who come back at the click of a finger, once you've lost me. I'm not coming back, and when I said, that if I had a wife and kids later on and i'd cheat on her and them for you, well somehow, I don't ever see that happening. To have kids with someone is something major and there's no way i'd throw it away for an old flame. Nor would I cheat on any future girlfriend with you, it's not my style and you know that. The last thing I remember her saying is that it's hard for you seeing all your mates together with each other.. I dunno.. How about this for hard, at least 6 people I know, 4 of which are really close to me are getting married.. then there's jord, tim, bev, sam, a lot of my close mates have girlfriends that they can see all the time. How do you think that makes me feel half the time. It's goddamn hard but I just deal with it without cheating on you. After saying all that, if this is all because you couldn't get hold of me over the weekend, then i'm really sorry, I had no money on my phone and a good 14 hours work on saturday. I've got money now though and I will call you tonight regardless so we can talk. I also promised to be there for you if you needed someone to talk to after we've broken up, and I'm keeping my word.. if you need someone to talk to i'll listen and be supportive, just don't think it'll be anything more than support, and if I say "love you" at the end of a conversation, it's a totally different "love you", like the kind i'd say to elle, nate after a phone call or to ashly at the end of an msn conversation. And if your mother was right and not exaggerating things or you have cheated on me again with someone, anyone. Then fuck yea, i'm good to go move on and find someone else when i'm ready. But for the love of god, don't take me as some clingy idiot, who's gonna be constantly asking for another go or to have sex with you, I've got a lot more self respect than that. [Edited] There are or were 2 people in this relationship and sooner or later you'll have to learn to take responsiblity for your actions. After I stop being your boyfriend, instead of just kicking yourself mentally and hurting yourself over things, you have to take life by the balls and be what you wanna be, ignore your mother's pressure, social pressure and listen to your heart, don't even listen to me if you feeling i'm pressuring you in a certain direction. If i can at least help you to become the awesome girl inside, gentle, confident and intuitive. That's one less dream i have to worry about. Roxxor. Love ------- I probably shoulda said, "if ya did cheat again, i'm outies" Because i'm not going through that all over again.. The issues in this email are about 1/10th, the issues we've been though.. and that's in the last 6 months Still, there are reasons why I want to be with the girl and strong ones at that, but the more i read this email, the more everything steers towards no. Ask away, with questions or any criticism, i'm ready for it and open to it. I don't think i'll go into all the specifics for her sake, besides, each of our issues would take a separate post on it's own. Finally, to all the bleeding 15 year old hearts out there who feel the world ends when their girl or guy is dumped them.. just get over it. __________________ Dream like there are no limits. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been fucked with. Die sans regret. Last edited by ~Lucian~; 05-11-2005 at 02:25 PM.. Reason: Grammar

05-12-2005, 06:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
~Lucian~ Tilted Location: New Zealand	Yea, i've pretty much been informed of a great deal of cheating which she's been doing. HAHAHA!! What cracks me up is apparently, she's even got a reputation in her hometown. I think just the level of her cheating, it's so ridiculous, it strikes me as humorous. Either way, we're done and i'm damn thankful for that. I did everything I could do, so in the end it's her loss. She'll realise that some day after she's been abused by someone who didn't treat her right. As for me, well, i'm just gonna go find a girl who can appreciate me and fact I like to make an effort to look after a girl. __________________ Dream like there are no limits. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been fucked with. Die sans regret.

05-12-2005, 06:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
ophelia783 Insane Location: West Virginia	I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you, but it seems to me that if she cheated on you while you were LD, she would've done it if you hadn't been in a LD relationship anyway - a cheater is a cheater. __________________ ~~ He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat ~~

05-12-2005, 07:00 AM	#8 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	Well - I have a policy that I try to live by - professionally and personally - Always deliver bad news in the most personal way possible. Couple benefits: It makes you a stronger person allows you to experience your emotions gives you little room to hide makes you really think out your position (since you might have to explain it or face objections) It builds integrity If you can't do it in Person, do it over the Phone Never email, never voicemail You will find it is tough to do, and you will like yourself a great deal each time you do it __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)

05-23-2005, 06:12 PM	#12 (permalink)
diddagirl Addict Location: Calgary, AB	Wow....Good for you for picking up the pieces and moving on the way you did. Looks like it didnt take you long to realize that you should never settle for anyone...or any of their shit. And impressive that you arent bitter about love..... __________________ "Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done." -Matthew Arnold

05-12-2005, 03:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
RCR Crazy	Nice one, i think you held yourself up well in the mail. However i would try and find out if she did try and call you over the weekend, because if you were unavailable....

05-12-2005, 03:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
slimshaydee If you've read this, PM me and say so Location: Sitting on my ass, and you?	sometimes its just best to cut your losses before you get hurt even more ay. Short term pain for long term happiness vs short term happiness for long term pain is deffinately the way to go. Good on you for not putting up with it...I've made the stupid mistake of staying too long in the past.

05-25-2005, 03:39 PM	#13 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	Looks like you made a healthy choice. Now take this time to work on yourself for a while before jumping into anything and you will be all set. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)