Long-Distance, why? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lindseylatch · 05-03-2005, 03:12 PM

So, there's lots of threads about long distance relationships, but what I'm curious about is what's keeping you apart?
School, work, etc., and why do you not want to just up and move closer to each other?
I'm not suggesting that LD relationships don't work, or that you SHOULD quit your job and move to a totally new place with no prospects...I'm just wondering why people don't.

abaya · 05-03-2005, 03:56 PM

Ready for some long stories, Lindsey?

I'd have to say that in mine and ktspktsp's situation, it's both school and work. We met while he was finishing his MA and I was in my first year of graduate school (basically, I was a year behind him). Due to his status as a foreign student, the only possibility of us staying together in the same town would be if he got a viable job in the area. And by "the area," I mean a VERY small and limited college town with few opportunities for foreigners who require a work visa in order to stay in the country. So from the beginning we knew that even if he could stay in the country and work after graduation, we'd be at least a few hours apart (if he was lucky enough to get a job nearby).

Luckily, that's what happened... so instead of us having a super-LD relationship (which in fact, I felt would not have happened at all because I would have broke it off, out of not being able to handle it), he is a few hours' drive away and we are able to visit each other on most weekends. He needed to get a good enough job that they would take care of the visa situation, and so that he could get valuable work experience on his resume.

Some of you (and my mother) might say: "Why not just get married?"... but it wasn't that easy, he really needed to get a good job, not just a local, mediocre one (and we looked into that, too), and I understood that. He also understands that I am pursuing my own vision of getting a PhD, which was a decision I needed to re-evaluate this year when he moved away (and have since decided to stay, at least for one more year while I have funding). We are also both rather young (25), and feel that we each would benefit from spending time alone and exploring our own interests before "settling down" (which we see happening in a few years). I saw so many of my friends get married in their early 20s, and while some of them are happy, many of them have sort of melded into their partners and I never got to see them as independent people.

So basically, for where each of us is at right now, being apart is something we have grudgingly chosen to do. It is the lesser of many evils, and in fact there is much good to it... but yeah, we sure are looking forward to being in the same place for an extended period of time again.

ophelia783 · 05-03-2005, 06:38 PM

Plain and simple - majik_6 and I met online.

We were actually on the same body-modification site, and became friends. We became really close this summer after my ex-bf passed away, and since August, the longest we've gone without talking is 3 days.

I'm applying for a student visa, and hoping to move down there this winter. Oh, and we're engaged, but don't want to get married yet (we're both 21, and want to wait until we're 25).

la petite moi · 05-03-2005, 06:59 PM

nwlinkvxd and I are in a LD relationship, but soon I'm moving up with him. It has been that I haven't had the money or bravery to move up with him. He's living four hours away for school. I'm moving this June, though.

~Lucian~ · 05-12-2005, 06:30 AM

For me I had university and I guess she was too scared to move up and didn't want to give up work.. haha apparently she had a lot of other action on the side, from what I know and from what I have heard to boot. I think ultimately, it was best that we didn't move in together, we just had too much pressure and by the end of our relationship we both had totally different and separate lives. I tried my hardest but I was sick of being used and cheated on. So I quit.

Sage · 05-12-2005, 04:28 PM

Martel was going to college 2&1/2 hours away when we started dating, and it was at the end of the fall semester, so it wasn't like he could transfer immediately. We spent spring semester with him commuting every weekend to see me, and then he transferred up to Asheville for the summer semester

chickentribs · 05-12-2005, 04:58 PM

My situation was unusual because my ex and I lived together for 4 years prior to having to go Long Distance. I received a really nice job offer out in Los Angeles that was my first big career move, and she was just getting going in a job she really liked. Her friends and family were all in Ohio as well and I was a bit unsure of how I would like living in LA, so we decided I would move out and see how it went before she uprooted everything and started all over in her career.

When I left we were both floored by how hard it was. After being together for 6 years and living together for 4 it was like losing an arm or leg not having her around. Of course I had to work a LOT and wasn't able to get back as much as we planned and days would come and go when we would miss each others calls. One afternoon she called me and told me she had been in a car accident and had to stay overnight at the hospital. Nothing serious but it shook her up. Looking back that was the day she quit counting on me to be there for her no matter what.

I eventually even moved back to Ohio to try and salvage things but for a lot of reasons it was too late. That was 2 years ago and we still can't even get back to being friends.

So - I think the one thing I would really try to do better is more of the small things. Unexpected gifts with personal meaning. Less monetary and more thoughtful gifts to keep a level of personal connection alive.

Live and learn...

scott_p_1 · 05-12-2005, 04:59 PM

I voluntarilly moved away from my girlfriend. It was tough, but it was something that I thought I had to do. I moved from Halifax to Ottawa (~1500km) a couple weeks ago after graduating university. I'm here looking for work, since the job market for Computer Science graduates is quite a bit better up here than Halifax. (BTW: Still looking for work if anybody wants to hook me up

)

She actually is planning on moving up here closer to the end of the summer, which I am anxiously waiting for. She isn't enjoying the east coast right now either, and was planning on moving away too. So it was only time until one of us moved away...

It should be a good test of the relationship and I really do hope it works out.

Lead543 · 05-12-2005, 05:05 PM

I live an hour away from my boyfriend. Not exactly long distance, but it is distance!
We don't live in the same area because:
a) We each still live with parents and
b) We're too poor/don't have the education/training to get good jobs and live on our own.
4 MORE YEARS!!

abaya · 05-12-2005, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chickentribs

So - I think the one thing I would really try to do better is more of the small things. Unexpected gifts with personal meaning. Less monetary and more thoughtful gifts to keep a level of personal connection alive.

ribs... wow, thanks for your story. The lines above struck me the most, and I have some questions for you that might apply to this thread.

Do you think that it was really the distance that killed you guys, or was something else up? What were the things you did that weren't "small" and that lacked personal connection? What made you come to the conclusion in your quote? What if you had been married beforehand, would that have made a difference (if nothing else, in your individual choices for work)?

They always say that distance is sort of the proving grounds for a relationship... that it's not really about the distance, that it only reveals what's really there (or not there). Agree or not??

chickentribs · 05-13-2005, 01:34 AM

Hey abaya,
She would definitely tell you that it was the distance because we really were a pretty tight couple when I moved. I wonder though if it is that easy. On my side I noticed pretty quickly that there were some trust issues that she had that began to eat at her and that was tough for me to take. I should explain… R was very outgoing and social with many friends both guy and girl. (She was in university when we met) In 6 years there was never any question between either of us as we watched many friends cheat and lie to each other, and we both loved that were “above” those games.

After only a couple of weeks out there our conversations started to feel interrogational and it made things seem less special between us – for me. I felt that my integrity earned over years was discounted pretty readily. So I wonder, did the distance create this thing or did it expose it? I still couldn’t tell you today. I was working a lot and after long days at a tough job and lonely I just wanted a friendly voice. Instead it was thinly veiled accusations and demands about wanting me to fly back to visit a lot. I am sure R thought that it showed how much she missed me, it can be a thin line…

Fortunately at least the work came with decent money and after paying my way through school and living literally pizza to pizza for a long time it was hard to believe that my work had paid off. (this is weird to talk about $ but bear with me…) I am sure this would make sense to many guys – I never felt bad for myself because I didn’t have money, but dragging somebody you love alongside you through the rough spots is gut wrenching. I wanted to show-off a bit I suppose and started to send watches and jewelry instead of myself when I had to work. It sounds horribly tacky, but I truly thought she would be excited for my success. In her mind I had become the typical LA asshole who figured presents in lieu o love. Maybe I had?

Back in the lean years I would steal ugly ashtrays for her – it kind of became a game between us. I saw a great one on Venice Beach, snagged it went back to Ohio and found out she was already sleeping with some broke glass blower. Point. Set. Match.

I held onto that damn ashtray for a long time. It made me chuckle. So that’s about it – I don't know if it helps you, but it felt good getting some of this out. Thanks -

You asked about marriage and if it would have made a difference. I don’t see it. We spent too much time watching other couples get married after 1 year /divorced after 1

Mid-late 20’s I referred to my Dicken’s years:
Friend’s Wedding in morning, Friend’s Divorce in the afternoon.
(These were the best of times, these were the worst of times.)

05-03-2005, 03:12 PM	#1 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	Long-Distance, why? So, there's lots of threads about long distance relationships, but what I'm curious about is what's keeping you apart? School, work, etc., and why do you not want to just up and move closer to each other? I'm not suggesting that LD relationships don't work, or that you SHOULD quit your job and move to a totally new place with no prospects...I'm just wondering why people don't. __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

05-03-2005, 03:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Ready for some long stories, Lindsey? I'd have to say that in mine and ktspktsp's situation, it's both school and work. We met while he was finishing his MA and I was in my first year of graduate school (basically, I was a year behind him). Due to his status as a foreign student, the only possibility of us staying together in the same town would be if he got a viable job in the area. And by "the area," I mean a VERY small and limited college town with few opportunities for foreigners who require a work visa in order to stay in the country. So from the beginning we knew that even if he could stay in the country and work after graduation, we'd be at least a few hours apart (if he was lucky enough to get a job nearby). Luckily, that's what happened... so instead of us having a super-LD relationship (which in fact, I felt would not have happened at all because I would have broke it off, out of not being able to handle it), he is a few hours' drive away and we are able to visit each other on most weekends. He needed to get a good enough job that they would take care of the visa situation, and so that he could get valuable work experience on his resume. Some of you (and my mother) might say: "Why not just get married?"... but it wasn't that easy, he really needed to get a good job, not just a local, mediocre one (and we looked into that, too), and I understood that. He also understands that I am pursuing my own vision of getting a PhD, which was a decision I needed to re-evaluate this year when he moved away (and have since decided to stay, at least for one more year while I have funding). We are also both rather young (25), and feel that we each would benefit from spending time alone and exploring our own interests before "settling down" (which we see happening in a few years). I saw so many of my friends get married in their early 20s, and while some of them are happy, many of them have sort of melded into their partners and I never got to see them as independent people. So basically, for where each of us is at right now, being apart is something we have grudgingly chosen to do. It is the lesser of many evils, and in fact there is much good to it... but yeah, we sure are looking forward to being in the same place for an extended period of time again. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-03-2005, 06:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
ophelia783 Insane Location: West Virginia	Plain and simple - majik_6 and I met online. We were actually on the same body-modification site, and became friends. We became really close this summer after my ex-bf passed away, and since August, the longest we've gone without talking is 3 days. I'm applying for a student visa, and hoping to move down there this winter. Oh, and we're engaged, but don't want to get married yet (we're both 21, and want to wait until we're 25). __________________ ~~ He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat ~~

05-12-2005, 06:30 AM	#5 (permalink)
~Lucian~ Tilted Location: New Zealand	For me I had university and I guess she was too scared to move up and didn't want to give up work.. haha apparently she had a lot of other action on the side, from what I know and from what I have heard to boot. I think ultimately, it was best that we didn't move in together, we just had too much pressure and by the end of our relationship we both had totally different and separate lives. I tried my hardest but I was sick of being used and cheated on. So I quit. __________________ Dream like there are no limits. Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never been fucked with. Die sans regret.

05-12-2005, 04:28 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Martel was going to college 2&1/2 hours away when we started dating, and it was at the end of the fall semester, so it wasn't like he could transfer immediately. We spent spring semester with him commuting every weekend to see me, and then he transferred up to Asheville for the summer semester __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

05-03-2005, 06:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	nwlinkvxd and I are in a LD relationship, but soon I'm moving up with him. It has been that I haven't had the money or bravery to move up with him. He's living four hours away for school. I'm moving this June, though.

05-12-2005, 04:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	My situation was unusual because my ex and I lived together for 4 years prior to having to go Long Distance. I received a really nice job offer out in Los Angeles that was my first big career move, and she was just getting going in a job she really liked. Her friends and family were all in Ohio as well and I was a bit unsure of how I would like living in LA, so we decided I would move out and see how it went before she uprooted everything and started all over in her career. When I left we were both floored by how hard it was. After being together for 6 years and living together for 4 it was like losing an arm or leg not having her around. Of course I had to work a LOT and wasn't able to get back as much as we planned and days would come and go when we would miss each others calls. One afternoon she called me and told me she had been in a car accident and had to stay overnight at the hospital. Nothing serious but it shook her up. Looking back that was the day she quit counting on me to be there for her no matter what. I eventually even moved back to Ohio to try and salvage things but for a lot of reasons it was too late. That was 2 years ago and we still can't even get back to being friends. So - I think the one thing I would really try to do better is more of the small things. Unexpected gifts with personal meaning. Less monetary and more thoughtful gifts to keep a level of personal connection alive. Live and learn... __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-12-2005, 04:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
scott_p_1 Crazy	I voluntarilly moved away from my girlfriend. It was tough, but it was something that I thought I had to do. I moved from Halifax to Ottawa (~1500km) a couple weeks ago after graduating university. I'm here looking for work, since the job market for Computer Science graduates is quite a bit better up here than Halifax. (BTW: Still looking for work if anybody wants to hook me up ) She actually is planning on moving up here closer to the end of the summer, which I am anxiously waiting for. She isn't enjoying the east coast right now either, and was planning on moving away too. So it was only time until one of us moved away... It should be a good test of the relationship and I really do hope it works out. __________________ <Insert witty and profound statements here>

05-12-2005, 05:05 PM	#9 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	I live an hour away from my boyfriend. Not exactly long distance, but it is distance! We don't live in the same area because: a) We each still live with parents and b) We're too poor/don't have the education/training to get good jobs and live on our own. 4 MORE YEARS!!

05-13-2005, 01:34 AM	#11 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	part 2... Hey abaya, She would definitely tell you that it was the distance because we really were a pretty tight couple when I moved. I wonder though if it is that easy. On my side I noticed pretty quickly that there were some trust issues that she had that began to eat at her and that was tough for me to take. I should explain… R was very outgoing and social with many friends both guy and girl. (She was in university when we met) In 6 years there was never any question between either of us as we watched many friends cheat and lie to each other, and we both loved that were “above” those games. After only a couple of weeks out there our conversations started to feel interrogational and it made things seem less special between us – for me. I felt that my integrity earned over years was discounted pretty readily. So I wonder, did the distance create this thing or did it expose it? I still couldn’t tell you today. I was working a lot and after long days at a tough job and lonely I just wanted a friendly voice. Instead it was thinly veiled accusations and demands about wanting me to fly back to visit a lot. I am sure R thought that it showed how much she missed me, it can be a thin line… Fortunately at least the work came with decent money and after paying my way through school and living literally pizza to pizza for a long time it was hard to believe that my work had paid off. (this is weird to talk about $ but bear with me…) I am sure this would make sense to many guys – I never felt bad for myself because I didn’t have money, but dragging somebody you love alongside you through the rough spots is gut wrenching. I wanted to show-off a bit I suppose and started to send watches and jewelry instead of myself when I had to work. It sounds horribly tacky, but I truly thought she would be excited for my success. In her mind I had become the typical LA asshole who figured presents in lieu o love. Maybe I had? Back in the lean years I would steal ugly ashtrays for her – it kind of became a game between us. I saw a great one on Venice Beach, snagged it went back to Ohio and found out she was already sleeping with some broke glass blower. Point. Set. Match. I held onto that damn ashtray for a long time. It made me chuckle. So that’s about it – I don't know if it helps you, but it felt good getting some of this out. Thanks - You asked about marriage and if it would have made a difference. I don’t see it. We spent too much time watching other couples get married after 1 year /divorced after 1 Mid-late 20’s I referred to my Dicken’s years: Friend’s Wedding in morning, Friend’s Divorce in the afternoon. (These were the best of times, these were the worst of times.) __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.