Roommate Issue: Need Advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

snowy · 02-21-2005, 06:37 PM

It seems that I dole out a lot of advice here on TFP and I figured it was about time I asked for some.

Here's the background on the issue at hand: I live in a house with three other people, two girls and a guy (so three girls and a guy total). We are all 22-4 years old. Usually we get along pretty well, but one of the female roommates, over the course of living with her, has shown us she is an unstable, emotional mess.

By mess I mean that breaking up with her boyfriend of four months nearly drove her to suicide, by unstable I mean that her temper goes from 0-60 with no in between. We have had to consistently deal with her mood swings. She is entirely unpredictable--this last summer she told us she was okay with us having a few friends over to drink, and when the friends did show up she threw an enormous temper tantrum, slamming doors, screeching and threatening to call the cops. A friend finally managed to calm her down AFTER she ripped the doorknob off of her door. So we've known for some time we're living with a bomb waiting to go off.

This last Saturday the bomb went off. We all agreed last week to clean the house on Saturday morning. We agreed ahead of time that we would ALL pitch in and get it done no matter what. When Saturday came, however, she thought that because she was hungover she got a free pass out of cleaning the house. My male roommate knocked on her door several times to get her to come out and help us. When she did finally come out, she screeched at him, called him a fucker, and told him she was hungover and wanted to be left alone. He kept after her to come out and help us. The second time she came out screeching she knocked a vase full of water all over our mail. The third time, however, was the worst: she came out with a tennis racket and threatened to destroy his stereo, which we had on in the living room so we could clean to music.

Now it's been agreed between the other three roommates that she HAS to go. But the problem is that she obviously has some issues, and if we try to approach this like normal, rational adults we can pretty much expect that she will not react in kind. Our main problem at the moment is that she IS on the lease and paid a portion of the deposit. Obviously we're examining our options but trying to keep it very quiet because if she gets wind of this...boom. We have an appointment with the campus attorney for later this week. I'm hopeful she can give us some ideas.

In the meantime, though...do you guys have any ideas? (Wow, it also felt really good to just rant.)

The_Dunedan · 02-21-2005, 07:14 PM

Other than "Gaurd yourself for true" if she ever comes after you with a tennis-racket again, I'm afraid not. It sounds like you're doing the only sane, workable thing in this circumstance.

la petite moi · 02-21-2005, 07:18 PM

Seems like she is VERY bipolar. I would suggest leaving some pamphlets (should be available on campus at the health centre) on bipolar disorder and depression on her bed with a note that you all three are worried for her (and your) safety. That is, if you have time. This girl is not your responsibility, but she may have some genuine problems she doesn't know how to cope with.

Sage · 02-21-2005, 10:03 PM

i say be very quiet until you speak with the campus attourney. i don't know the legalities of this situation, but you need to figure out EXACTLY where your rights are and how far you can toe the line. if she's on the lease, and you want her out, and she REFUSES to leave (which, given her mental condition, is definitely plausable) there are things you can do but you HAVE to do them right, because she technically, in this sue happy generation, could take you to court (at least civil court). PROTECT YOUR ASS AND YOUR ASSETS! good luck

snowy · 02-22-2005, 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by la petite moi

Seems like she is VERY bipolar. I would suggest leaving some pamphlets (should be available on campus at the health centre) on bipolar disorder and depression on her bed with a note that you all three are worried for her (and your) safety. That is, if you have time. This girl is not your responsibility, but she may have some genuine problems she doesn't know how to cope with.

LPM, she's actually on pretty heavy medication already for depression IN ADDITION TO medication for anxiety. Yeah. She goes to a therapist on campus already. So I don't think that's going to be helpful...which is unfortunate.

dksuddeth · 02-22-2005, 02:59 AM

how much time is left on that lease?

raeanna74 · 02-22-2005, 07:29 AM

Talk to the attorney of course but also talk to the landlord. If she ripped the doorknob off and threatened to destroy the stereo she's a danger to the property. A loandlord may be glad to get a heads up on the dsetructive behavior that could cost him money. Ask him if he would please let her out of the lease so long as the remaining roommates stick around and are responsible for her part until you find another roommate if you choose to do so. Lay it all out for him to understand the whole situation I have a feeling you might get some help there. Also you could perhaps talk to a campus counselor who might be able to advise you of a way to approach her about her leaving. If she's so much trouble you might need to give her a deadline to leave. Your landlord could potentially help you out with that. A tenant who is destructive and disturbs the other tenants - often it's in a lease that those types can be asked to leave so that the other tenants aren't forced to move out to avoid the problems and potential physical dangers.

Just quietly explore all your options.

Good Luck - It sounds upsetting and scary.

braisler · 02-22-2005, 07:40 AM

I used to rent out rooms in my house to other college students. Seeing as I was the landlord and roommate, I had a few more options than you do. I only had the occasion to kick out 2 of the maybe 12 roommates I had over the years. But as a former landlord, I would definitely recommend that you talk to your leasing company or landlord. If the three remaining roommates want to stay and can afford to split the rent 3 ways instead of 4, then it will a lot easier to have her taken off the lease. You can add another person back on when and if you decide to. Heck, your leasing company might even know a single renter that is looking to move in with 3 others.

In my opinion, I would not confront her about her potential mental issues. I would just say that the rest of the roommates have met and agreed that she is not pulling her weight and needs to leave. Don't make it too complicated, just give her any easy out. Say that we've talked with the manager and he has agreed to take your name off the lease, here is your portion of the deposit, see you around.

StephenSa · 02-22-2005, 08:06 AM

I think Braisler hit the nail on the head. With multiple people on the lease then the landlord will probably be willing to remove her name as long as the rest of you can cover the added expense. Find out from them. You should have any money you might owe her (deposits,pro-rated rent etc.) on hand when you talk to her. Try not to go into her emotional issues as that will surely be a hot button. Just explain that it has been decided that it would be best if she left. You need to give her a reasonable time to find a new place, a couple of weeks at least but don't let her stay past the agreed upon exit day.

ShaniFaye · 02-22-2005, 08:07 AM

Is she actually taking her medication?

snowy · 02-22-2005, 10:21 AM

She says she is...

Yeah, I'm going to have to talk to my dad about fronting some cash to get her out of the deposit and pay for her portion of the last month's rent ($325 total) because that's going to be the sticky issue about getting her out. Dealing with the landlord is kind of a wishy-washy matter as we have a single landlord and he's so very laid-back that he will probably just tell us to do as we see fit (which is a good thing).

The other thing that makes this complicated is that she has a mother who is just as crazy as she is. She also has no idea that we're taking this this far this time. Boy, she is in for a rude surprise when it all goes down.

Demeter · 02-22-2005, 08:27 PM

Man, if the roommate & her mother are so volatile, you may think of getting the cops involved...just in case.

BTW, if she is drinking while taking her medication (usually a big no-no) its probably not doing her any good at all.

snowy · 02-24-2005, 09:41 AM

So we had the discussion last night. She seemed to expect it. She was very calm about it, so we were just waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

Turns out that my other female roommate had already kind of talked to her about it and told her that she would move out with crazy roomie if we did make that move. Now the two of them are trying to pull me into it to kick out the male roommate.

I won't stand for this kind of bullshit. In fact, I'm half-tempted to tell them that I don't want to live with people who think we're on some kind of reality TV show where we must create the maximum amount of drama available. Another possible solution is to point out to the other female roommate that her name is on the lease and she is therefore obligated to pay the landlord rent through June. Yet another solution would be to send the three of them to some kind of peer mediation and tell them to sort it out on their own. I'm really sick of feeling like the only adult in this household.

This is exactly what happens when you live with three passive-aggressive people.

pig · 02-24-2005, 10:37 AM

I know this isn't funny, but I kind of can't help but laughing after reading that last post...do you know where everyone stands in terms of their desires to move out? How close are you to any of these three people? Any chance you could just bust out and let them keep the fun? Otherwise, female roommate #2 may have just bought you an obligation to hang on to the original problem roommate. Any discussions with #2 about why she changed her position and softened up on the crazy? Hell, I'd say let 'em both go as soon as you can find two more people to move in.

edit: I'd also suggest checking with your local tenant's union. I can guarantee you this isn't the first time this situation has occurred.

snowy · 02-24-2005, 10:43 AM

There is no local tenants union. I live in a college town with some major housing issues.

Finding roommates shouldn't be a problem. However, it's close to finals and I'd really rather not deal with all the bullshit.

dksuddeth · 02-24-2005, 10:53 AM

what a tangled web we weave.........

seriously, while your issue can suck theres only one way out of it that I see. If the two ladies wish to move out on their own, let them. Start making preparations to interview new roommates.

SitizenVZ · 02-24-2005, 12:30 PM

Talk to your landlord, they deal with situations like this all the time. Also there isn't a whole lot you can do until you find out what your landlord will let you do in regards to your lease.

yster · 02-24-2005, 12:35 PM

Hide all your expensive stuff, like stereos and computers, move it to a friend or parents. If Crazy wrecks it, you'll never get compensation.

snowy · 02-24-2005, 01:04 PM

See, that's part of the problem--the landlord is really laid-back and he will just tell us to figure it out on our own.

As for my stuff...I keep my room locked.

pig · 02-24-2005, 01:06 PM

Madame de La Owl,

In that event, I would suggest following some analogue of yster's idea - if you don't have time to deal with the bs right now, then you should prepare for any whacky-ass fall out, then get ready for fun fun fun after finals. (quarter system?). as one who has been in similar situations, i found that in the end it was easier for me to cut and run than to force someone else out -ended up eating a few months of lease, but that's another story. if you've got enough of the power base to keep you and the dude (odd man out, apparently) in the house, maybe you can work it out. good luck.

02-21-2005, 06:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Roommate Issue: Need Advice It seems that I dole out a lot of advice here on TFP and I figured it was about time I asked for some. Here's the background on the issue at hand: I live in a house with three other people, two girls and a guy (so three girls and a guy total). We are all 22-4 years old. Usually we get along pretty well, but one of the female roommates, over the course of living with her, has shown us she is an unstable, emotional mess. By mess I mean that breaking up with her boyfriend of four months nearly drove her to suicide, by unstable I mean that her temper goes from 0-60 with no in between. We have had to consistently deal with her mood swings. She is entirely unpredictable--this last summer she told us she was okay with us having a few friends over to drink, and when the friends did show up she threw an enormous temper tantrum, slamming doors, screeching and threatening to call the cops. A friend finally managed to calm her down AFTER she ripped the doorknob off of her door. So we've known for some time we're living with a bomb waiting to go off. This last Saturday the bomb went off. We all agreed last week to clean the house on Saturday morning. We agreed ahead of time that we would ALL pitch in and get it done no matter what. When Saturday came, however, she thought that because she was hungover she got a free pass out of cleaning the house. My male roommate knocked on her door several times to get her to come out and help us. When she did finally come out, she screeched at him, called him a fucker, and told him she was hungover and wanted to be left alone. He kept after her to come out and help us. The second time she came out screeching she knocked a vase full of water all over our mail. The third time, however, was the worst: she came out with a tennis racket and threatened to destroy his stereo, which we had on in the living room so we could clean to music. Now it's been agreed between the other three roommates that she HAS to go. But the problem is that she obviously has some issues, and if we try to approach this like normal, rational adults we can pretty much expect that she will not react in kind. Our main problem at the moment is that she IS on the lease and paid a portion of the deposit. Obviously we're examining our options but trying to keep it very quiet because if she gets wind of this...boom. We have an appointment with the campus attorney for later this week. I'm hopeful she can give us some ideas. In the meantime, though...do you guys have any ideas? (Wow, it also felt really good to just rant.) __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-21-2005, 10:03 PM	#4 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	i say be very quiet until you speak with the campus attourney. i don't know the legalities of this situation, but you need to figure out EXACTLY where your rights are and how far you can toe the line. if she's on the lease, and you want her out, and she REFUSES to leave (which, given her mental condition, is definitely plausable) there are things you can do but you HAVE to do them right, because she technically, in this sue happy generation, could take you to court (at least civil court). PROTECT YOUR ASS AND YOUR ASSETS! good luck __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi Last edited by Sage; 02-21-2005 at 10:04 PM.. Reason: left out a word

02-22-2005, 02:59 AM	#6 (permalink)
dksuddeth Junkie Location: bedford, tx	how much time is left on that lease? __________________ "no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

02-22-2005, 07:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Talk to the attorney of course but also talk to the landlord. If she ripped the doorknob off and threatened to destroy the stereo she's a danger to the property. A loandlord may be glad to get a heads up on the dsetructive behavior that could cost him money. Ask him if he would please let her out of the lease so long as the remaining roommates stick around and are responsible for her part until you find another roommate if you choose to do so. Lay it all out for him to understand the whole situation I have a feeling you might get some help there. Also you could perhaps talk to a campus counselor who might be able to advise you of a way to approach her about her leaving. If she's so much trouble you might need to give her a deadline to leave. Your landlord could potentially help you out with that. A tenant who is destructive and disturbs the other tenants - often it's in a lease that those types can be asked to leave so that the other tenants aren't forced to move out to avoid the problems and potential physical dangers. Just quietly explore all your options. Good Luck - It sounds upsetting and scary. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

02-22-2005, 07:40 AM	#8 (permalink)
braisler Addict Location: Midway, KY	I used to rent out rooms in my house to other college students. Seeing as I was the landlord and roommate, I had a few more options than you do. I only had the occasion to kick out 2 of the maybe 12 roommates I had over the years. But as a former landlord, I would definitely recommend that you talk to your leasing company or landlord. If the three remaining roommates want to stay and can afford to split the rent 3 ways instead of 4, then it will a lot easier to have her taken off the lease. You can add another person back on when and if you decide to. Heck, your leasing company might even know a single renter that is looking to move in with 3 others. In my opinion, I would not confront her about her potential mental issues. I would just say that the rest of the roommates have met and agreed that she is not pulling her weight and needs to leave. Don't make it too complicated, just give her any easy out. Say that we've talked with the manager and he has agreed to take your name off the lease, here is your portion of the deposit, see you around. __________________ --- You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein ---

02-21-2005, 07:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
The_Dunedan Junkie	Other than "Gaurd yourself for true" if she ever comes after you with a tennis-racket again, I'm afraid not. It sounds like you're doing the only sane, workable thing in this circumstance.

02-21-2005, 07:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Seems like she is VERY bipolar. I would suggest leaving some pamphlets (should be available on campus at the health centre) on bipolar disorder and depression on her bed with a note that you all three are worried for her (and your) safety. That is, if you have time. This girl is not your responsibility, but she may have some genuine problems she doesn't know how to cope with.

02-22-2005, 08:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
StephenSa Psycho Location: Dallas, Texas	I think Braisler hit the nail on the head. With multiple people on the lease then the landlord will probably be willing to remove her name as long as the rest of you can cover the added expense. Find out from them. You should have any money you might owe her (deposits,pro-rated rent etc.) on hand when you talk to her. Try not to go into her emotional issues as that will surely be a hot button. Just explain that it has been decided that it would be best if she left. You need to give her a reasonable time to find a new place, a couple of weeks at least but don't let her stay past the agreed upon exit day. __________________ Thousands of Monkeys, all screaming at once. Pulling God's finger.

02-22-2005, 08:07 AM	#10 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Is she actually taking her medication? __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

02-22-2005, 10:21 AM	#11 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	She says she is... Yeah, I'm going to have to talk to my dad about fronting some cash to get her out of the deposit and pay for her portion of the last month's rent ($325 total) because that's going to be the sticky issue about getting her out. Dealing with the landlord is kind of a wishy-washy matter as we have a single landlord and he's so very laid-back that he will probably just tell us to do as we see fit (which is a good thing). The other thing that makes this complicated is that she has a mother who is just as crazy as she is. She also has no idea that we're taking this this far this time. Boy, she is in for a rude surprise when it all goes down. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-22-2005, 08:27 PM	#12 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	Man, if the roommate & her mother are so volatile, you may think of getting the cops involved...just in case. BTW, if she is drinking while taking her medication (usually a big no-no) its probably not doing her any good at all. Last edited by Demeter; 02-22-2005 at 08:30 PM..

02-24-2005, 09:41 AM	#13 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	So we had the discussion last night. She seemed to expect it. She was very calm about it, so we were just waiting for the shit to hit the fan. Turns out that my other female roommate had already kind of talked to her about it and told her that she would move out with crazy roomie if we did make that move. Now the two of them are trying to pull me into it to kick out the male roommate. I won't stand for this kind of bullshit. In fact, I'm half-tempted to tell them that I don't want to live with people who think we're on some kind of reality TV show where we must create the maximum amount of drama available. Another possible solution is to point out to the other female roommate that her name is on the lease and she is therefore obligated to pay the landlord rent through June. Yet another solution would be to send the three of them to some kind of peer mediation and tell them to sort it out on their own. I'm really sick of feeling like the only adult in this household. This is exactly what happens when you live with three passive-aggressive people. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-24-2005, 10:37 AM	#14 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	I know this isn't funny, but I kind of can't help but laughing after reading that last post...do you know where everyone stands in terms of their desires to move out? How close are you to any of these three people? Any chance you could just bust out and let them keep the fun? Otherwise, female roommate #2 may have just bought you an obligation to hang on to the original problem roommate. Any discussions with #2 about why she changed her position and softened up on the crazy? Hell, I'd say let 'em both go as soon as you can find two more people to move in. edit: I'd also suggest checking with your local tenant's union. I can guarantee you this isn't the first time this situation has occurred. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

02-24-2005, 10:43 AM	#15 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	There is no local tenants union. I live in a college town with some major housing issues. Finding roommates shouldn't be a problem. However, it's close to finals and I'd really rather not deal with all the bullshit. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-24-2005, 10:53 AM	#16 (permalink)
dksuddeth Junkie Location: bedford, tx	what a tangled web we weave......... seriously, while your issue can suck theres only one way out of it that I see. If the two ladies wish to move out on their own, let them. Start making preparations to interview new roommates. __________________ "no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

02-24-2005, 12:30 PM	#17 (permalink)
SitizenVZ Tilted	Talk to your landlord, they deal with situations like this all the time. Also there isn't a whole lot you can do until you find out what your landlord will let you do in regards to your lease.

02-24-2005, 12:35 PM	#18 (permalink)
yster Tilted	Hide all your expensive stuff, like stereos and computers, move it to a friend or parents. If Crazy wrecks it, you'll never get compensation.

02-24-2005, 01:04 PM	#19 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	See, that's part of the problem--the landlord is really laid-back and he will just tell us to figure it out on our own. As for my stuff...I keep my room locked. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

02-24-2005, 01:06 PM	#20 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	Madame de La Owl, In that event, I would suggest following some analogue of yster's idea - if you don't have time to deal with the bs right now, then you should prepare for any whacky-ass fall out, then get ready for fun fun fun after finals. (quarter system?). as one who has been in similar situations, i found that in the end it was easier for me to cut and run than to force someone else out -ended up eating a few months of lease, but that's another story. if you've got enough of the power base to keep you and the dude (odd man out, apparently) in the house, maybe you can work it out. good luck. __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style