TheWalkinDude

Hi all. Anyway, my girlfriend has been having some fairly serious problems with her health lately. Also, lately she has been putting a hell of a lot of distance between us, saying she needs space, all the while seeing her friends as much as usual.
So tonight she dumps me, saying she just can't handle the pressure because of her health problems and exams.
So of course I'm stunned. I can't understand how I add pressure instead of take it away. I've always been there for her, I've never been selfish in our relationship. I'm sure that I've always put her first.
Now I'm heartbroken because the girl I was completely in love with doesn't love me anymore, as well as bitter that she pushed me away while staying just as close to everyone else around her, and I'm also very worried about her health issues.
What does everyone think? Should I be more understanding of her situation; a boyfriend is too much too handle on top of bad health and pressing exams? Or should I be angry because she doesn't have a good enough reason to end something that I thought was so important to her? I just don't know how to feel at the moment. I had pictures of her on my wall and I couldn't look at them, so I took them down and the bare wall just looks worse. I've become a complete wreck in the last two hours.
If anyone has any experience or advice I'd be really grateful.

C4 Diesel

1) Accept it. Move on. Trying desperately to cling to someone who doesn't want you there is just going to add stress to your life and be emotioanlly taxing.

2) From the way you made it sound, either you were smothering her, she has emotional problems, or she wanted to be with someone else (perhaps even cheating). You can probably figure out which of these it is. You're the best gauge to whether she's crazy or not. If you don't think she's emotionally unstable, then were you always pressing to be with her or talk to her or be doing things together? If yes, then you could have been smothering her and drove her away. If neither of these are true, then she's likely after someone else. If you don't think any of these are true, then you probably don't know enough about your relationship.... unless someone else can think of something.

edit: These three possibilities that I mentioned were assuming that you and her were mutually compatible in the first place and you were a good partner.

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C4 to your door, no beef no more...

Hardknock

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of health problems has she been having? Did she go to her doctor recently? Has the complaining of health problems started recently? Were they non-existent before she went to the doctor? (Assuming she recently went) If she still has time for her friends like she always does and just cuts you off point blank then that makes me suspect something to be honest.

Maybe she doesn't want to tell you something. Try and talk to her about it and see if she'll tell you.

maleficent

Having serious health issues is a lot for a person to handle, add on to that the pressures of exams -- it's a lot on a person.

If you care about this girl, be her friend and give her some space right now while she gets her health problems sorted out. It may not be you or anything you've done --it's just if her health status is unsure... then she might not want someone else to worry about.

If it were me, with some heath problems, I wouldn't want to deal with a boyfriend -- yes they could be supportive and all, but I don't want a boyfriend to take care of me, so until I was able to take care of myself, I'd rather go it alone...

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TheWalkinDude

The health problems, in short, mean she'll possibly never have children. Which she desperately wants.

And as for smothering her, she did ask me to give her space a month ago because she felt I was too serious. And I did give her space, she told me she was happier with the space I was giving her and I kept it like that.

I know I'm only giving one side of the argument, but this only happened a couple of hours ago and I'm in a pretty bad state, not the kind where I can make rational judgements.

C4 Diesel

Holy crap... Okay, yeah... I could see why this would take all her sexual/relationship -type emotions and mash them up into little pieces and launch them into orbit. That's probably why she dumped you. She's probably an emotional train wreck right now.

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C4 to your door, no beef no more...

Manuel Hong

All you can do is handle it with grace and maturity and live your life as well as you are able. You can't make someone feel something that you want them to. I know it hurts, I'm sorry. Maybe you will be friends eventually, but give her what she wants now, what choice do you have? If you need closure, send her a note wishing her well and leave the door open if she needs to talk (if you want to). If you need to vent, then write another letter and let it fly, but whatever you do, DON'T send it!!

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Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

soundmotor

Not much to add here except comment that this is very good advice. Take the high road as suggested and whatever happens, you were a gentleman.

soundmotor

TheWalkinDude

I am of course going to be her friend, I do love this girl a great deal. I guess I'm just hurt that she pushed me away instead of wanting me to be there for her.

I'm also worried about a male she recently became friends with. He is very infatuated with her, as evidenced by the fact that he asked her out, knowing full well she had a boyfriend. If he sees this as an oppertunity and tries to get close to her, she's just going to get even more hurt. Or worse, she's going to see him as an oppertunity for a fresh start, what with all the emotional history she has with me. I'm probably being very immature about this, but as I said, I am completely in love with this girl, and this came up very suddenly. I just didn't see it coming, I'm still in a state of shock.

dksuddeth

you can't do anything about a persons state, physical, mental, or emotional, if they won't let you. The only two things you can do in this situation is a) let her have what she wants and be there IF she decides she made a mistake in dumping you, or b) you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with living your own life and let her find out her mistakes on her own.

It sucks, i've been there, and sometimes people have to learn the hard way that doing things on an emotional upset swing has major consequences. In the end, after you've gone on with your life, she may figure out that she screwed up........a lesson learned the hard way but such is life.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

MoonDog

Well, when I was a senior in colleg, my girlfriend dumped me. After 4 years of dating, she "got sick of the long distance relationship". Needless to say, I was devastated, since graduation was 6 months away, and I was planning on life after college, a marriage proposal, etc.

Well, by the time 4 months had gone by, she called me and we met up. Got back together a few weeks later.

Moral of the story - if it's meant to be, it will be. I was crushed, but - with the help of my friends - got back out in the scene and made sure that my life didn't stop.

soundmotor

Then it was only a matter of time anyway. Relationships have a funny way of finding the right course even if the other person did not see the inevitable coming. Time to steel yourself to the fact that it may be over & there is nothing you can do to change that. This is the crossoroads that those who get on with their lives & those who become stalkers find themselves at when dumped.

soundmotor

analog

If it just happened, then it might not even be final- in the sense that you just need to let her be and see where things go. She may just think that's what you want because of her "health problems".

Just sit back, clear your mind, and don't let the tears drown you out. Been somewhere very similar... just don't lose touch with what's really going on, and maybe this will resolve itself.

TheWalkinDude

Ah. A week later and she divulges the real reason for dumping me; it allows her to go out with this other male. Good thing she told me over MSN, it reduced me to a blubbering wreck, a sobbing shadow of my former manly self.

Worst of all, she doesn't seem to feel bad at all. How can you trust and love and respect someone so completely only to find out they never really loved you at all, they were just waiting for something better to come along. Her comforting words: "You'll get over it" may have some validity as she certainly seemed to get over it pretty quickly.

Sorry to sound so bitter, but I know there's people out there who know how I feel and it feels good to get it all out. This really got to me. I honestly thought she was the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds a bit naive but it's true. I loved her and am still in love with her and don't know how to even begin getting over her. As always, your replies are welcomed

dksuddeth

i've been right where you're at. This will hurt for a long time unfortunately. I can tell you that calling, harassing, stalking of any sort will only confirm in her idiotic mind that she made the right decision. Do not give her that satisfaction.

Karma is a bitch and she'll learn that lesson the hard way.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

soundmotor

Objective anger is usually the best way. Not the "I'll tear your fucking heart out & cook it on my stove with fava beans, bitch!" kind of anger, but the kind that comes with cold assessment about the situation.

You were a nice guy, you loved her unconditionally, you gave her her space, & she flips you so she can go out with Justin/Jared/Troy. In other words, she sucks as a person & you don't. The next 3 weeks are going to feel like ass so keep yourself busy with new activities, not ones you used to do with Cruella. Leave music out of your life for awhile because everytime a song comes on that has a connection to shithead, it will pull you right back.

Fear not, eventually you'll be able to say "Eat me!" and move on. Lastly, and this is the most important, in a month if by chance she crawls back, so sorry about how awful she treated you, do not meet her for coffee, do not go over to her place, do not see her. Just say goodbye. She did it once, she'll do it again. (& by doing it now, she did you a favor, you just don't know it yet.)

soundmotor

TheWalkinDude

And the plot thickens. It seems she was going out with this other guy long before dumping me. There's no point to this post, just venting a little. Posting on this site always eases my mind.

Anyone out there ever been cheated on by someone they were completely in love with?

timalkin

Dude, can you honestly say that you were in love with a fucking cheater? A fucking dirty liar who didn't give enough of a shit about you to even tell you the truth?

She did you a serious favor. You should thank her for it. She deserves her man whore boyfriend. They'll swap STDs for the rest of their lives.

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Sue

I was dumped by a bf/fiance of 6 years. No reason, just that he told me had been feeling a certain way the last couple months of our relationship.

So I said fine, fuck you, and left. moved back to Florida (was in massachusetts) last August. I've since met a wonderful man who lives in CO. I went to see him last November, hit it off great, and now he's coming to see me in the end of March =) I couldn't be happier.

Sorry to hear about your misfortunes. Take your time to get through it, and it'll pass eventually.

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Teg yw edrych tuag adref.

TheWalkinDude

Sorry if it seems all I'm doing is whining about my problems.

It's just that I don't really have any close friends to whom I can talk about this.

I just want to say I really appreciate the support everyone's given me. It's made this a whole lot easier.

Now I'll quit my whining and start acting like a man.

flamingdog

There are lots of things to focus in the times when you feel bad about this. She cheated on you. She dumped you with a half-truth. She gave you the beans over MSN, rather than to your face. All of these are low, low ways to behave. What you had will, before long, be tomorrow's distant memories, and the pain will fade and harden to experience.

You have my sympathies.

hossified

dude I've been there too, and it sucks, but you know what in the long-run, you are so much better off. Simply because this girl had no repsect for you. So the next time you see her or talk to her on MSN, call her a useless bitch, that can't even have kids, and move on. Don't take the nice guy route too far, cause she'll get screwed over by this guy, and try to come back to you....seriously. So shut her down before she even thinks about it!

flamingdog

Don't resort to name-calling, you're better than that.

dksuddeth

yep, it happens to the best of us. Some things for you to concentrate on during this.

1) Never, ever, blame yourself. Don't sit around and think 'why did she do this' or 'how could she do this'. This will only perpetuate the downward spiral to depression.

2) To avoid that downward spiral, go ahead and grieve a bit. You gave your heart to someone who then disrespected a great gift. Let out the hurt and then go on with life. It's not easy, mind you, but there it is.

3) The surest way to make yourself seem desirable to your ex is to be seen with another woman......and quickly. Now, by this I don't mean go out there and USE another woman to try to get her back into your life. What I AM saying is that if you have a female friend who is willing to play the game with you, ask her to. Show up in unexpected places where the ex can see you with her. But above all, use this NOT to get the ex back in to your life, but to get back at her. Show her that you've accepted the fact that she behaved entirely in an infantile way with your emotions and that you've gotten over your folly in giving your heart to someone as undeserving as her.

NEVER, EVER, let her think that she is responsible for breaking your heart, but that you were responsible for trusting someone that wasn't worthy of that trust.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

TheWalkinDude

Well, I was just thinking I would be able to cope with it eventually, when her new man decides it's funny to sign onto MSN messenger with her password and rub my face in it, taunting me for losing her and thanking me for giving him the chance to get in there, all the while pointing out how she's happier with him that she ever was with me.

Knowing she left me for this complete cocksucker really isn't what I need. What is with this guy? Is he somehow threatened by the knowledge that she used to love me? Or just a complete wanker? Anyone know people like this?

dksuddeth

as far as this guy goes, this is the male primordial competition crap that he thinks he's gods gift to women now that one left another man for him. Blow it off. relish in the fact that, like she did to you, she'll leave him for someone else she finds more exciting. In the meantime, block her damn MSN name. Theres absolutely NO reason anymore why she should be on your list.

__________________
"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

TheWalkinDude

Oh, she's off my list now alright. It just bugs the crap out of me that I've seen what a complete prick this guy is and she never may.

Averett

Block her name on your MSN list, delete her email from your list, just erase her basically.

Move on with your life. You don't need these two in your life at all.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

soundmotor

It is not often that you get to see indentical male & female counterparts so closely and observe their scurrilous & tawdry behaviour firsthand! This is behavioural anthropology at its finest, 2 shitbags getting on with each other!

So, Loser #1 (showing both immaturity as well as poorly developed social skills) takes up w/ Loser #2 (showing -coincidentally- both immaturity as well as poorly developed social skills) and has (choose 1):

1) a long-lasting & fulfilling relationship based on the prinicipals of mutual respect, trust, common values, ideals, interests, & committment.

2) a platonic relationship filled with long discussions about devoting oneself to the betterment of mankind as well as acting on those desires.

3) cheap monkey-sex for a few weeks that quickly degenerates into boredom, petty squabbling, lack of common ground, intolerance of the mere sight of the other, possibly an STD or two, and generalized dissatisfaction with life. Possibly guilt, perhaps even regret, and years later a return to the singular thought "Why was I such an immature little shitbag back then?". Although, most likely, neither will ever become self-realized enough, lacking the basic & innate sense of morals integral to most vertebrates, to have that insight & will continue as a spectator in life wondering why, oh why, they always have such bad luck? You however will have moved on!

Hang in there kid, you are nearly to the threshold of seeing your way through. Don't give up, get out & do something. Don't worry about making her jealous. That is a natural response & the wrong one too. You don't want her back, she is, as you are seeing firsthand, beneath your station. Use the opportunity to propel yourself forward as clearly, had you stayed together, she would have held you back!

You, young man, have just been released from a potential life-long prison!

soundmotor