Spritebox

I've been dating this girl for over a year and four months now, and I'm really starting to get frustrated beyond relief.

1) We can never talk about important issues regarding the relationship. Everytime I bring something up, she gets mad at me and suddenly "has to go" and hangs up. If the conversation is in person, she immediately asks for me to take her home.

For example, I was home on Saturday night hanging out with some friends. I woke up Sunday around 1 pm and had planned to drive back to college. She calls me and said she wanted to do something around 7 pm. I say ok, and I wait around for 6 hours. She calls me again around 7 and tells me she's at the movies with her father and sister and that she'll see me tomorrow. I tell her that I am dissapointed I didn't get to see her (not letting her know I am angry about it) and she has the nerve to get angry at ME. "I'm not choosing you over my family! Don't ask me to!".

She called me later that night and I tried to talk to her about the situation. I mentioned that it wasn't right for her to blow me off like that after I had waited around just for her. Well, she got mad again. I told her there was no reason for her to be upset and that I was just trying to talk things out. She got angrier and suddenly "had to go".



2) She doesn't appreciate me. I drive home nearly everyday (35 minute drive) to see her. She's never shown any appreciation for this. No "I'm so glad's", no "I love seeing you", no nothin'.

Example: For our one year anniversiary, I took her to the spa for a day of relaxation. 6 hours of nothing but massages, facials, etc, etc. The next day, she got mad at me for something rediculous and illogical, and acted like I had never done anything nice for her.

3) She is rediculously illogical. As you can probably tell from what's written above, she doesn't have a reason to be angry with me 99% of the time.

4) Relationships are supposed to be 50/50. I feel like ours is 99/1, with me doing 99% of the work needed to make things work.




I'm fed up. I'm going to start working on taking some of my eggs out of the basket instead of having them all in one. I realize that I can't depend on her for happiness, which I admit I have been doing. But lately, it's like betting on a lame horse to win a race.


I just need to find other things I enjoy doing so that when the day comes when she just gets too crazy for me, I can drop her and move on with my life comfortably.


Bleh. Argh. Perils.

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it's all nice on ice alright
and it's not day
and it's not night
but it's all nice on ice alright

kurty[B]

Ummmm, I don't know how old she is, but it sounds like she is still in high school (/me shudders). Ummmm.

Find something else to do so you aren't driving back everyday to argue with her, and have her "Have to go". If she doesn't listen to you and gets angry with you when you try and talk about relationship problems, well, give her the cold shoulder. Don't go visit her, don't give her a call, do this for how long it takes her to call you, and ask "why haven't you talked to me?", and then maybe say "well, you HAD TO GO, so I figured you would call back when you were done." Don't know, maybe I'm being snide, and you should wait for other people's advice, but if she doesn't appreciate you, then maybe when she doesn't hear from you for a few days she'll realize she should.

Ignoring her can also backfire. She might go about thinking "Oh, he's not calling me, so that must mean he wants to break-up".

Guthumba

Take it from one who has been there:

Kick her ass to the curb

Don't waste your time with someone who does no give you what you need...by doing so you torture yourself. Don't let a bad relationship blind you to other possibilities out there.

Kick her ass to the curb

If she wants you she can make the effort later, after you've left and begun looking around. If it really means something to her than she can take a little time and, after her epiphany, come back and apologize...

...but she won't.

Do yourself a favor...move on.

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Locusts and honey ... not since John The Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness. ... Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash -- Bono.

maleficent

Is this the same girlfriend as this one?
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=69494

What are you getting out of the relationship? Why stay in it?

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pig

Guthumba, Mal : I ditto. If the relationship isn't cutting it after a year and four months, chances are....

I personally believe you don't stay involved with people hoping that they'll drastically change to suit you better. What you're looking at is what you've got. Particularly if she never has to realize that there are repercussions for treating others in inconsiderate ways. If you can't talk about the relationship, it ain't a relationship. My opinion.

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Redlemon

Probably what Guthumba said. Is there anything good about her? The entire post was negative; there wasn't even an "I like her, but..." in there.

EDIT: 2 posts came in while I was still writing, I didn't ignore them...

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

kurty[B]

Reading the link maleficent posted I wonder why you are still with her? Is the sex that good?

Move on... That's that.

TheWalkinDude

I've been going through the same thing with my girlfriend. It has seemed like she's being completely unfair and unappreciative. I think this may be a reaction to my getting too serious and dependent on her. The harder I push, the more distant she gets from me.
I've finally decided that I'd rather be with her and put up with the occassional being ignored or hurt than not be with her at all. I do love her and think she's worth any hurt she might cause. I think maybe you have to make this decision too.

dksuddeth

how many times in the last 16 months has she done something like this to you?

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"no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything. You cannot conquer a free man; the most you can do is kill him."

skier

You should see if you can arrange a friends with benefits (ie. Fuck buddy) relationship with her. And then get a real girlfriend that actually cares about your feelings.

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Spritebox

Yes, same girl.

What am I getting? Well, from time to time I get happiness. But that time is becoming shorter and shorter between episodes of irrational anger toward me.

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it's all nice on ice alright
and it's not day
and it's not night
but it's all nice on ice alright

lurkette

Move on, dude. It's not like you're saying "she's the love of my life but...." and then describing some bad habits that get on your nerves. It doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship at all, really, so what's keeping you there? Move on already.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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RCAlyra2004

PUT HER ASS ON THE CURB!

You sound like you can easily do a lot better...

If you are attracted to her because of her looks... remember that they will leave... and that annoying personalty will linger on for the rest of you life.... ARRRRGH

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Living on the edge of sanity

maleficent

Happiness from time to time doesnt sound like it's a win win situation for you. The good times should far outnumber the bad times, not the other way around, and being the brunt of someone else's anger is just wrong.

If you were a woman, and a man was treating you like this, most folks here would say you were involved in an abusive relationship, and you should save your sanity and get out now. You can do a lot better, and you don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you.

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Untitled

Just a point, which may be applicaple to Spritebox as well....

If she loves you, she wouldn't be causing you this hurt.

Also, have either of you mentioned this to your girlfriends??

Spritebox

I'm waiting for my girlfriend to get home from school before I spew at her.

__________________
it's all nice on ice alright
and it's not day
and it's not night
but it's all nice on ice alright

maleficent

Spewing at her isn't the best approach, all it will do is put her on the defensive, but sit down with her and honestly tell her how her behavior makes YOU feel. Have her take a look at your posts here...

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TheWalkinDude

I talked to her about it. It seems she does love me but wants some space. I have been very serious about our relationship, so I guess I can begin to understand that. She values her friends more than me, which is something I had a problem with, and she needs to spend time with them. I try not to bring my problems up too much because she, like Spritebox's girlfriend, gets very angry when I do so.

So I'm just trying to accept that I might not be appreciated as much as I possibly should be, but that's not going to stop me from appreciating her.

Spritebox

Haha. She'd be super pissed at me for letting others know about our situation. She's already gotten mad at me for that because I told my best friend about some problems we were having a while ago.

__________________
it's all nice on ice alright
and it's not day
and it's not night
but it's all nice on ice alright

Guthumba

Don't put her on the defensive...approach her and initiate a conversation about this topic with a determination to remain calm and logical. No yelling, screaming, name-calling.

Talk about the problem and if she can't talk to you about the situation and your relationship than consider the inability to discuss this as the answer itself.

Repeat after me:

If she can't talk, I gotta walk.

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

__________________
Locusts and honey ... not since John The Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness. ... Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash -- Bono.

drakers

If everything of what your saying is true, then dump, she doesn't respect you and for that alone you should dump her. For another, if she can't talk about the serious issues in your relationship than she doesn't really care much for staying in the relationship. Well good luck. I'm sure you have a lot advice (probably one-sided to the dump side) to go off on.

la petite moi

Sounds like your girlfriend and I have a little in common. Although I never blow my fiance off to go to the movies with my sister and dad (or for any real reason besides very very important events), I don't appreciate him enough. When I am level-headed, I know I should be because he drives home 4 hours to see me every other weekend.

Maybe your girlfriend has problems expressing her appreciation. Next time you are both having a serious talk (maybe you don't have those), you should just say: "Hey, I just wanted to ask you if you appreciate when I drive home for you." If she gets pissed off, YOU should say you have to go, so she isn't the typical conversation hacker.

When you are angry with your girlfriend, you should calmly tell her so. "Janie, I am really unhappy that you went off with your dad and sister, because I was going to drive back to college." Then back it up with "I was unhappy because you mean a lot to me and I love spending time with you" before she interrupts with angry words.

Although you may get into a lot of arguments and fights, TRY to communicate as best as possible. Communicate your feelings without completely hurting hers- and if she still doesn't get the message, dump her and then she will.

bing bing

First of all inconsiderate people suck, and she definitely sounds it.

It sounds to me that you’ve invested more in this relationship than she ever will. My recommendation is to get out of there.

braindamage351

I think the biggest problem here is that you think it's "family first". No, not at all. If it were family first when you first asked her to do something she would tell you that she had to be with her family. Instead here she is agreeing, and then cancelling the plans on a whim. She's being a bitch.

Just stop talking to her, and fill up your time with other activities. If she makes an attempt to contact you, then try to patch things up. If she doesn't, then move on.

Vincentt

Before I read your post I was thinking "dumb her."
But that is a easy thing to say...

My advice:
Stop driving home everyday.
Start looking at new girls on campus.
Don't cheat, but keep looking if you find someone better breakup and enjoy.

Sounds mean but, if you marry her it will not last. So keep looking and good luck.

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DDDDave

The older you get the more you realize real relationships are about respect.

She does not respect you. If you have to try to make her, she never will.

Sorry, time to move on Grasshopper.

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Amnesia620

I am going through a similar situation, myself. I was with my boyfriend for 14 months when I decided to bring it to a dead halt for 3 to 3 1/2 months. During the first 14 months he proceeded to break every relationship rule/standard I have...The biggest one: Respect. He ignored me, mooched off of me, disrespected me, took advantage of me and my hard-earned possessions (car, apartment, furniture, food, money, cigarettes, etc.) Out of the 14 months, he held a job for less than 3 of those months (two different jobs) - I worked for 11 months and ended up going on employment strike because he wasn 't looking for a job. It didn't solve much. I had to take it to the extreme...

What finally brought it all to a screeching halt was a few days before our 1 year anniversary (we were fighting A LOT) he told me he didn't want to be with me and had "fallen out of love with me". He still loved me, yes, but the rest was gone. We slowly patched it (stopped fighting = minimum communication) and made an attempt but it was the same sh*t, just delivered differently. One night, I had enough. I cut him off...small fight: I'm done. It's over. I stuck to my decision. When he realized I was dead serious, he pulled his act together. We're back together - there's still work to be done but he made the improvements I asked for: Respect me, my things and get a job, help with housework.

If she cares for you and values you, she has to SHOW you. Not tell you, not promise it. Make her show you!
Calmly bring up in conversation (details of where, when, etc. up to you) how you feel about her and care for her, but that you don't see the feelings being reciprocated and would like her to take a little bit of time to think about and be sure of how she feels about you and when she's ready - both of you work on the problem areas. Communication is the first one I would tackle - she can't run everytime you want to talk; she cannot expect you to remain calm and listen to her reasons for being upset with you when she easily "has to go".

Put out what you want to receive. Give respect, communicate, sacrifice - expect it back! If you don't receive it, look elsewhere when ready and don't look back. If nothing else, she needs to learn to grow up on her own.

Take a break from her. Let her know this. Explain to her, calmly, that you both need to take some time to think and she needs to decide how she feels about you. If she really wants the relationship to work - she MUST respect you in EVERY way. Let her know that you're having difficulty seeing what you put out come back to you.

She really needs to learn to communicate with you, if she doesn't or makes no attempt to improve then move on. She'll only hurt you further if she doesn't wake up and realize what she has...her loss if she's too blind or chooses to avoid the situation.

Be sure to let her know that an unequal and unbalanced relationship is unfair to the both of you and that you both deserve happiness. It's up to both of you to pick which path will lead you to just that.

Hope I helped.

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For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

ironmaiden7o7

I am truly sorry that you have to deal with such a girl. She seems very immature. Also, you should never depend on someone else for happiness, that is temporary, should they ever leave one day, then, you'd be starting all over again. You should always seek and find happiness within, you are the only person that can make you happy.
When in a relationship, both parties has to work, everything falls apart if just one person is doing all the work. Most of the time we aren't appreciated when we do something, and that is just wrong, you shouldn't be treated that way after you've been so kind to her.

It's a decision for you to make, and make sure you go with your heart.

monkeysugar

If you're not getting what you need out of a relationship, why stay in it?
If your needs and feelings are not being addressed, why stay in it?
Are you in love with her, or are you in love with what she represents?
Are occasional droplets of happiness amid a sea of frustration and anguish enough?

I've been in a similar relationship before, and didn't know any better. I thought the way she was treating me was normal. Let me tell you from my experience that it isn't healthy, it isn't normal, and it feels really good to be out of that relationship.

You're in college, and the selection is bountiful. Personally I'd find someone who is a bit more mature and wants to return what you have to offer.
Good luck with everything, and listen to those lingering thoughts in the back of your head. They tend to be right.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

saints17

Ditto. I made this mistake with my ex-girlfriend of four years. She decided to end it.... completely shocking me as we were making plans of things we'd do during Christmas break just a few hours earlier.

I did nothing but mope after that. Luckily my parents were on my side, as was one of my very best friends. My mother constantly stressed that I need to make myself happy. I guess I never really realized that---and the way that America is today (music, tv, movies)... it makes "love" really seem to be something where you NEED that person to be happy... which isn't true. That person should enhance that happiness (greatly) that you already have within.

Sorry about the little rant there.... kind of off topic. But as others have said, she sounds very immature. If you're not getting anything out of this relationship, I'd say get out. Perhaps.. if she won't listen to you when you want to seriously discuss the relationship, write her a letter about it.. tell her everything.. about how you feel when she doesn't want to discuss things, etc.

That's my advice.. and good luck.

Amnesia620

Of course she would be all pissed off, Spritebox, because people would "open your eyes" to the shitty way she treats you and Oh MY God!! She would not have control of you and this relationship.

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For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

Guthumba

Okay, Spritebox...give us an update.

Did you put your foot down or did she bat her pretty little eyes and wrap you back around her finger?

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Locusts and honey ... not since John The Baptist has there been a voice like that crying in the wilderness. ... Every man knows he is a sissy compared to Johnny Cash -- Bono.

DJ Happy

My wife is starting to behave like that too. I'll tell her she looks nice 9 days out of 10, but not doing it on that 10th day will cause an argument and an accusation that I NEVER compliment her.

I'd be interested to hear how your situation resolves itself (if at all).

soundmotor

She's not the one making you unhappy. You are allowing yourself to remain in a situation that makes you unhappy. Big difference. As so adroitly stated earlier, kick her ass to the curb. This immature feeb is not worth the angst you are allowing her to inflict.

soundmotor

irateplatypus

what bothers me most out of this situation is how controlling and secretive she appears to be. by refusing to talk about it and trying to keep you from discussing it with your friends, she is trying to dictate the terms of your relationship. she KNOWS she is being a crappy girlfriend. but instead of changing herself, she is manipulating the situation so you have as little external advice as possible. what she would like least is for you to fully realize the imbalance. she is, in effect, using you and dictating the relationship in order to keep it that way. it isn't really that she is immature, she is just on a powertrip and is exploiting your affection for self-satisfaction.

my advice: ditch her. don't call her later, don't hang out as friends. you'll probably be thinking about her a lot, it's in both of your interests not to let her know you even care anymore. it will feel strange and painful because you're used to getting crumbs from her table. she will whine, bitch, and perhaps do something drastic to force you back into her terms. don't fall for it. until it's an equal relationship, neither of you will be happy. she may never grow out of it... move on.

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If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.

~ Winston Churchill

DasButch

I was in a 7-month relationship with a girl like that. Take it from me man, DON'T waste anymore of your college experience with her. I pretty much lost all of my freshman year and I regret it like hell. Do yourself a favor. There are a lot of wonderful girls at college. Just beware of the ones lookin for the MRS degree....

Amnesia620

Hey now...the MRS degree isn't a bad one to have as a goal, as long as you've found the right girl to "graduate" and receive that degree. There are good women out there, it's a bit of a search, sometimes, but one day it may be well worth it.

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For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

bermuDa

sounds to me like sitting her down and telling her about your feelings or even bringing up the situation will only prompt her to make an exit. She's clearly unwilling to confront any problems you have and is unwilling to see the situation from your perspective.

maybe you should tell her that you aren't driving to see her anymore and she can come and see you for a change, then tell her after she gets there that you're spending time with your family and that she shouldn't ask you to choose between them.

or maybe you should just tell her that she is selfish and that you're tired of being unappreciated when you're doing everything you can to make the relationship work.

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duke_alive

I'm going through a breakup right now. My girlfriend after 6 months ditched me out of no where. The situations you are going through sound familiar.Thats scary I didnt think anyone else would put up with the same shit. My ex (god it hurts saying that) was very(and still is) immature. I felt taken for granted. She ended it and i think it was because of her refusal to even try to make things work. She said "No matter what problems we have we can talk them out and things will get better".Hell I would talk and she would listen ... she wouldnt say much back. I thought that "hey everything will always be ok as long as we talk it over and spend time together". Well she would just listen and then wouldnt spend time with me because nothing had be resolved..causing more problems that we wont talk over....it was a never ending cycle. But through all that shit there were good times ... i dont regret a damn thing...but moving on is hurting me more than i had ever imagined.

itch vaccine

Didn't read all the previous posts.

I had girls like that. It's bullshit. They don't treat you like their boyfriend. You're just their call-"guy". And that's hard. It's hard to leave. But it's best.

You feel taken for granted. You feel that everytime she does at least SOMETHING for you, you would be in heaven. But it never comes.. and you feel bad. You hope for it to come, and you try to hold on to the relationship, because you feel there is something there.

But is it worth it?
Ask yourself =)

I hope you make a wise choice.
These people are never worth your efforts. You deserve someone who appreciates you.

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"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."
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